To All The Ghosties Out There Looking For Something To Do This Spooky Season

To all the ghosties out there looking for something to do this spooky season

I will be renting out my physical form! If you wanna experience being alive and do my job for a day or so y’all are welcome to apply. You can do whatever just promise not to do crimes while using my body. I will be taking Moments of Peaceful Oblivion, minor haunting fulfillments, and Omens(tm) as payment as I suspect you may no longer have access to traditional funds.

Your daily dose of fluffy animal content ♡

I’m not well, but I am trying to get better.

I spent months pushing bc through it and disconnecting and emptying myself and pushing everything aside and it didn’t work. It never works. Instead my chest hurt from the emptiness and my stomach turned and my head ached. Instead of progress I got bloody nails from picking away at every flaw in my skin and instead of finding peace I found myself curled on the couch day after day wondering why the only thing I could feel was dread.

I have found myself sitting at the bottom of a well with water trickling in and I found myself wondering if it was worth it to begin the climb back out, to let the rain carry me to the surface. It’s going to be hard. But at least I’ve started.

I have a therapist now, and space to heal, and people who love me, and shoulders to cry on. I went to the gym today for the first time in months. I baked a cake just because. I took a long nap and looked out my window at the sky and let my mind wander, no distractions. Just the silence of my apartment and the chaos of my mind.

Being alive is quite something. But living? That takes work. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like working on it.

Let me be remembered for my love

Please

Ten minute Write day 4/? (Or day one again)

(Notes on prophecy)

I am plagued by visions. It’s always been an aspect of how my anxiety manifests itself. Nightmares are just how I process. It’s like my subconscious builds the worst scenario for me, so that when I wake up I can almost hear it chastising me: “Don’t you see how much worse it could be? Get over it. At least it’s not like *that.*”

It is not that hard to imagine all this myself, though. I could easily create and suffer through all the worst-case scenarios on my own. I just choose not to, which is something I can do now after years of therapy and a prescription that works. And maybe that’s a victory, but it still hurts to wake up twisted in my bedsheets, my jaw sore from clenching in fear and frustration all night long. It’s still hard.

Once you have imagined a thing, it’s hard not to expect it. Once you have seen yourself pushed over the edge, it’s hard not to find yourself tiptoeing to the precipice and peering over. Once you have the worst-case scenario burned into your mind, it’s hard not to imagine it as the only scenario. And acting out of fear is so, so different than acting on faith.

What is it, then, that keeps me from acting in fear? What remaining shred of faith stands between me and becoming my own worst-case scenario? When I rub the sleep from my eyes and swing my legs over the side of the bed, what is the difference between faith in myself and fear of being my own prophecy?

I’m still spiritual, but not particularly religious anymore. Still, as I was meditating on this, a phrase from my childhood came to mind. “If you had faith as small as a mustard seed, you would move mountains.” And I think, instead of the feeling of inadequacy it instilled in me as a child, what it means to me now is that even the tiniest shred of faith buried deep in my gut, twisted around by churning fear, is enough to hold me up and remind me that though there is fear, there is nothing that is inevitable. There may be mountains of fear between me and the end of it all, but my faith in myself will move them. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed.

My brain is an angry toddler today and it’s absurd

I was feeling awful and then I spent like an hour going “what do you want? Do you have to pee? Are you hungry? Do you want to go for a walk?”

Turns out I was thirsty, because I drank half a bottle of water and calmed down immediately. Even got some good work done.

So yeah, your brain is a stupid toddler that doesn’t know what it wants sometimes so just be gentle and try things