It Will Be Okay - Tumblr Posts
Positive things today:
- took my meds
- talked to my sister 🤍
- wrote a great amount of my seminar paper that has a due date on Tuesday (I really hope I will finish it tomorrow)
- my aunt told me it feels like I'm doing so much better than I did last week
There were negative things too, ofc, but I don't want to talk about those right now.
P.S.: Two of my favourite artists, Frank Carter and Patrick Stump share the same birthday, which is today, so Happy Birthday, lads! 🤍
- Reni
Everything will be okay. I can do this. I will heal. This suffering is only temporary. I will be happy again.
Every morning is the hardest with this anxiety disorder. I always cry and I want to go home to my hometown and I miss my parents and my sister...
But I always survive these mornings somehow. If you are in the same shoes, keep going! Until now, you've survived 100% of your mornings and tomorrow will do just the same.
In other news, positive things in my day today:
- I almost finished my seminar paper (only needs some polishing that I hope I can do tomorrow morning)
- My dad called me and even though he is struggling too, he gave me so much strength and I can, after years of lack of emotional affection from him, finally feel how much he loves me. It means a lot that he tries to help and doesn't abandon me in these dark days of mine
- I also talked to my mom and my sister and they made me laugh, and I finally haven't felt that laughing while struggling is a crime (it's not!! Please, laugh as much as you can, you need those happy chemicals)
- I talked to my grandma too, she is my ray of sunshine, I love her so much 🤍
- I had to take my meds, but I finally accepted they are a source of help and I need them now, until I can be strong again
- I washed my clothes, my hair and I will ask God to help me next week, as I will have to encounter a lot of stress again (cardiology, psychiatrist and I also have to read a book by Tuesday and write something about it)
- I feel like my hands aren't trembling all day anymore and my heart rate is more okay too (I almost stopped checking my pulse all the time, nowadays I only do it once or twice a day)
I am trying really hard to tell my subconscious we will be alright. I believe we will.
- Reni
My morning, as per usual, was horrible, I had a meltdown before going to the cardiologist, but ultimately I could somewhat overcome my fear and told my brain that I aknowledge that we are scared but we will do it anyway. I did it. I'm wearing a 24-hour EKG monitor right now at home, but I feel like everything is okay and I can handle it so much better than I thought I could. I also finished and sent in my seminar paper and I finally finished the new chapter of my The Umbrella Academy fanfiction, so here's to that. I talked to my best friend at home, she was a sweetheart as always, bless her pure soul, a living angel I love her dearly 🤍 Talked to my dad, my aunt, my grandma and on chat with my sister and my mom... basically I talked to my whole family almost. This day was kind of chill and I am greatful for that. Tomorrow I am going to the psychiatrist, wish me luck!
(I am still fighting. I am not giving up hope. I feel like I am doing better.)
- Reni
24-hour EKG: ✅ survived
Psychiatrist visit: ✅ survived
My psychiatrist was a very nice woman. She gave me another medicine, told me everything will fall into place and that I shouldn't worry about my heart because it's just my anxiety lying to me and we'll need to erase the unhealthy thoughts from my brain and rewire it with healthy ones. She told me the medicine will help, but I also need to work on myself while taking them. I might be going to a group therapy too, I'm still waiting on them to answer my email though, but I will update you on the matter ASAP. The point is: I came out of the psychiatry visit with so much hope and a new perspective! I have to believe that things will work out in my favor. And I know God is with me on this journey.
As a reward for my struggles and wins, I also bought myself this beauty:
(I really really love The Umbrella Academy!)
The only thing I can say is: keep going, guys! Even if you're not in therapy (yet) or everyday feels like a burden, you must do everything in your power to overcome your fears. It might not be an easy or fast process, but every tiny step you take is in fact huge and a part of something greater; every little progress matters, every single one. You have to take the power back over your life. You've got this!
We've got this!
- Reni
Back to the good old crying today again ✌️ Healing is NOT linear. I took my meds, went to my aunt's place for lunch and after that we went out to a park full of people and loud noises. I did not panic, but I did not enjoy it at all, except being outside in the Sun, in nature. So I came home, talked to my sister for like 2 hours on videochat, cried, and later cried some more while talking to my mom... I e-mailed my teacher last night, told her that I've been dealing with a lot lately and if she could maybe forgive me if I only upload my presentation on Teams and not actually present it in front of the class would ease my anxiety a bit... She was fortunately very understanding and told me not to worry about it and also not to worry about the fact that I won't finish this semester because I surely will. I was very touched. Also friends and family keep checking on me all the time... what can I ask for more? Everything else is on me. This is my fight. And although it's a rough path, I know I can deal with it. Healing does not look graceful. Healing is ugly and bumpy, but there's a certain kind of beauty in this too, isn't it? Even healing is teaching us that perfection is only a stupid concept created by mankind. Healing is messy. And that's perfectly okay.
- Reni
I just remembered the time when I was depressed (not diagnosed with it, but I'm sure I was depressed) and could not feel a damn thing. I was empty. I remember saying "It would be better feeling ANYTHING at all, rather than this constant numbness". Now I'm here a few years later and the feeling I feel every day is fear, especially in the morning as soon as I open my eyes. And I'm not sure it's better than emptiness. I could say "be careful what you wish for", but instead all I'm going to say is: be brave. Be bold. You have to take back your life. It's not going to happen in one night. You will cry a lot. It's going to be hard. It's a constant fight where you have to show up for yourself every day. But you absolutely have to keep going and challenge yourself.
This statement involves every type of fight with any kind of mental illness, not just anxiety. You are valid. Your feelings are valid.
We got this!
- Reni
Today I could enjoy life for a brief hour, as I went out on a walk with my aunt and cousin, I used the swings in the park, petted a cat on the street... I'm dealing with a lot lately, so it was nice to feel okay for a bit. I am so tired and so unsure about what I want to do with my future now... But I'm trying to take it day by day.
- Reni
Today I went out to the mall, bought a bubble blower (I have no idea what's the correct english phrase for that xd) and I did not die, yay ✨ It was a mentally challenging day again, I'm not going to lie, I cried the whole day and I felt tired, but I desperately want to get out of the loop of spiraling and catastrophezation I got myself into again, so yeah, cheers to the fact I survived another day I felt I couldn't. I talked to one of my friends who's also struggling, we haven't talked in months, so I'm glad we were able to chat for a little bit. I also owe infinite thanks to my aunt though, for the patience she has with me. I would've not made it this far without her.
- Reni
I made this page so I could have a "place" where I would collect positive things even in the middle of the pain and terror I feel every day. But I feel like there is hardly anything I can enjoy anymore. I am terribly homesick at this point. All I can focus on again are my rapid heartbeats. Every day a new anxiety symptom appears and I obsess over it, even though I know I shouldn't. I cannot convince my brain that this is only anxiety. My health anxiety is suffocating me and it goes hand in hand with thanatophobia. I have so many doctor's appointments again that I am terrified of. I don't even want to go to uni anymore, even though there are two weeks left. I just can't enjoy it, and it's terrible, because I loved studying this major and I loved going to classes with my friends. Generalized anxiety took SO MUCH from me in just a short span of a few weeks. It took so much from me to the point I cannot find myself inside these bones anymore. I don't recognize myself, I identify with this disorder now, even though I'm well aware I shouldn't. I know I need therapy but the psychiatrist did not assign me to a therapist and I can't afford a private one. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel sick. I am afraid I won't see my family again. The only thing making me a little bit happy are thight hugs, petting cats and talking to my sister (the latter also makes me cry, though). I am so sorry for this post, I just needed to vent somewhere.
P.S.: Not to mention I desperately try to finish uni while battling this Hell and I have no idea if it's worth it.
- Reni
I'm so sorry for the previous venting post, I was feeling really low mentally and my hypochondria got the best of me. I'm feeling better today, although it took a lot of courage, mental strenght and my meds, to get to this state. I went out to shop today, though! Read half of the novel I need to do a seminar paper on, changed my sheets, drank tea on the college dorm room yard, listened to Queen, talked to loved ones and even colored a coloring book too! Yesterday I washed my hair and my family found a little kitten back home 🥹 I can't wait for the time I will get home and meet him/her (we don't know the gender yet). For my fellow hypochondriacs, I recommend the Instagram page of both @honsetlyholistic and @cherellethinks on Instagram, they help me tremenduously every day!
As Queen would say: "Just keep on trying!"
Even if some days are extra hard, I'm still here. Not giving up the fight.
- Reni
Positive things I've done today:
- washed my clothes
- read some more for that seminar paper
- went out to a meet-up for relax group therapy
- went to the post office to send a birthday card home to my best friend
- talked to my loved ones
- not done yet, but I'll wash my hair too later
I'm really stressed about tomorrow as I have to go back to the cardiologist for heart ultrasounds and the thought of even going there makes me shake with fear. But I'll do it anyway 🥹
- Reni
I had the most awful morning ever; I really thought I won't be able to go to the cardiologist to have my heart ultrasound, but I took my meds, my grandma talked to me on videochat until I got there and somehow, I managed, even though my heart was beating so fast the whole time. But it went well, there's nothing wrong with my heart! (although I'm still waiting on that 24 hour EKG results)
I came home, I cried happy tears, I drank tea, made pasta, finished the book AND the seminar paper I had to finish and even watched 3 episodes of a reality TV-show with my roommate which is a HUGE HUGE step as I couldn't even watch a YouTube video in a long time. Maybe the new meds are starting to take effect, dunno, but I'm glad I had a good day. I even laughed!! I can only repeat myself: HUGE milestone!
- Reni
Sorry for not updating in a long time. I've been feeling better in the last couple of days and I'm really glad, seems like the new meds work just wonderfully. I've been able to watch Eurovision on Saturday (Nemo is a sweetheart, but Baby Lasagna would've deserved that win, I'm absolutely in love with that man), I was on a family gathering on Sunday and today one of my teachers told me that my writing is really beautiful and clear, it made me so happy! I still have some symptoms that drive me nuts during the day, but overall I feel more capable of existing now and I can do things in an easier manner. I know 80% is thanks to the medication but I also needed to change my mindset regarding some things, so yeah, learning that now.
Don't give up, guys, it's worth fighting, I promise!
- Reni
Haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry. The truth is, I've been feeling better and I'm kind of learning how to live again and how to have trust in myself and my body. The meds are working just fine, I'm also done with the cardiology visits and my heart is very very healthy, I only have problems with my big pulse which is a result of the anxiety, but I take meds for that too, so everything is okay. I can't wait to go back to my hometown still though, unfortunately I won't be able to do that until the end of June because of university duties, but oh well, that's life I guess. I am still afraid of certain bad things happening, so the negative thoughts did not suddenly leave my mind, but I'm trying very hard to re-gain confidence, because I know deep inside that I am capable of so much more...
I can only repeat what I've said a thousand times before already: healing is a process, a wave, stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can with the resources available to you. And it will get better.
- Reni
Ten minute Write day 4/? (Or day one again)
(Notes on prophecy)
I am plagued by visions. It’s always been an aspect of how my anxiety manifests itself. Nightmares are just how I process. It’s like my subconscious builds the worst scenario for me, so that when I wake up I can almost hear it chastising me: “Don’t you see how much worse it could be? Get over it. At least it’s not like *that.*”
It is not that hard to imagine all this myself, though. I could easily create and suffer through all the worst-case scenarios on my own. I just choose not to, which is something I can do now after years of therapy and a prescription that works. And maybe that’s a victory, but it still hurts to wake up twisted in my bedsheets, my jaw sore from clenching in fear and frustration all night long. It’s still hard.
Once you have imagined a thing, it’s hard not to expect it. Once you have seen yourself pushed over the edge, it’s hard not to find yourself tiptoeing to the precipice and peering over. Once you have the worst-case scenario burned into your mind, it’s hard not to imagine it as the only scenario. And acting out of fear is so, so different than acting on faith.
What is it, then, that keeps me from acting in fear? What remaining shred of faith stands between me and becoming my own worst-case scenario? When I rub the sleep from my eyes and swing my legs over the side of the bed, what is the difference between faith in myself and fear of being my own prophecy?
I’m still spiritual, but not particularly religious anymore. Still, as I was meditating on this, a phrase from my childhood came to mind. “If you had faith as small as a mustard seed, you would move mountains.” And I think, instead of the feeling of inadequacy it instilled in me as a child, what it means to me now is that even the tiniest shred of faith buried deep in my gut, twisted around by churning fear, is enough to hold me up and remind me that though there is fear, there is nothing that is inevitable. There may be mountains of fear between me and the end of it all, but my faith in myself will move them. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed.
The ocean is alive.
I realised that when i saw it breathing, i felt horribly bad at the beach today.. yet as i sat there looking at the furious waves, focusing on them with my heart behind my eyes, i saw it breathing.
I saw it rise and fall and retract and expand, i saw the foam i saw it dissolve, i heard it inhale i heard it sigh, all in its own way, each of these i witnessed the ocean do in its own unique way.
There was loud music and gossipy people, yet when i looked into the endless blue i didn’t hear anything else whatsoever,
I don’t think theres really a way to describe it, but the sea is alive, i have no way of proving it, you can only love it enough it opens up to you, too.
🫧🐠🪸🐙🪸🦑🪼🫧🦈🌊🏖️🐚🩴🦀☀️🕶️🧴👒
in a constant enemies to lovers kinda relationship with myself