Im Not Well, But I Am Trying To Get Better.

I’m not well, but I am trying to get better.

I spent months pushing bc through it and disconnecting and emptying myself and pushing everything aside and it didn’t work. It never works. Instead my chest hurt from the emptiness and my stomach turned and my head ached. Instead of progress I got bloody nails from picking away at every flaw in my skin and instead of finding peace I found myself curled on the couch day after day wondering why the only thing I could feel was dread.

I have found myself sitting at the bottom of a well with water trickling in and I found myself wondering if it was worth it to begin the climb back out, to let the rain carry me to the surface. It’s going to be hard. But at least I’ve started.

I have a therapist now, and space to heal, and people who love me, and shoulders to cry on. I went to the gym today for the first time in months. I baked a cake just because. I took a long nap and looked out my window at the sky and let my mind wander, no distractions. Just the silence of my apartment and the chaos of my mind.

Being alive is quite something. But living? That takes work. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like working on it.

It should be sunny today, but the wildfire smoke is clogging the sky and my lungs. I feel like I should be able to reach up and wipe away the smoke in the air like dust off a dirty window.

Now approaching, says the automated voice on the train, and for once I almost dread getting off. The train, for all it’s failures, has some kind of air filter that does a number, at least, on the smell of burning. I get off anyway, and pass a man reading Crime and Punishment. I almost laugh. You can’t read that book in English. Or so says my Russian best friend. And so says high school me, drowning in the depression and consequence and the bitter regrets they forced upon us before we even were considered adults.

I walk up the platform, and maybe it’s just my imagination, but my eyes sting. Or maybe I’m just crying. Things rose and fell and burned and died before any of us were around to see it, but now we are. Now I am, and seeing things die just reminds me I’ll have to see so many other things to their grave, regardless of whether I got the chance to love them.

I needed a break, so now I’m on the train back from my parent’s house in the woods. It’s sunny for the first time in a long time and even though it’s cold and windy, the blue sky is a relief and the sun on my face is helping me to feel real again.

I’ve got things to do when I get home, and I’ve missed my husband, but for now I share this in-between space with the people around me.

Maybe it’s the space I’ve had so far, or the meditating, or the breakfast I had this morning, but today, the sky looks bluer than it has in a while.

ten minute write day 2 (yeah i know i took a 2 week break)

ive been trying to find a liminal space that feels like the ones from my childhood

you know, how it felt being at school at night when everyone had gone home

or how it felt to stand in the church sanctuary when everyone had left

or the elementary school playground on the weekends

and i used to feel a certain holiness in those spaces, in the places that we built for togetherness now full of emptiness and only my own voice echoing against the walls. Keeping me in. i never dreamed that the opposite: an inhuman place suddenly filled with me, would feel anything but uncomfortable and interrupted.

I climbed a mountain last weekend. It was raining on and off, so the air was still, and the birds were hiding, and it was too far up for the large, whistling, singing, strumming bugs. the fragile alpine zone, they called it. my family walked off down the slope to look over the ravine. I stayed behind.

it was so quiet. I've never been in such quiet. I could hear my breath and my heartbeat and if i had stayed still enough, for long enough, I would have heard the blood moving through my veins.

This is the opposite of what I had found in those spaces humans had built. Staring out at the pristine, preserved mountainside, i found myself feeling so tiny, and so huge at the same time. I looked down at the sweeping valley below, and down at my feet in boots that i dragged out of the darkest recesses of my closet for this, and out into the sky, shrouded with clouds that I was now standing inside.

it was so quiet. so quiet. no rushing of machinery. No hum of electricity. no one upstairs rattling around, no children down the street shouting. All things i usually find comfort in. all things i realized i might not miss.

i get it, now. why people just disappear into the mountains. that silence is addictive. that sense of peace leaves an ache in your soul the moment your family comes back around the cairns, rattling keychains and crunching boots. that is the holy silence i will be looking for forever, that is the liminal space i will stand in for as long as i am allowed.

OI LISTEN UP YALL

THE LEFT SIDE OF THE ELEVATOR IS FOR PEOPLE WALKING UP

THE RIGHT SIDE IS FOR STANDING

IF YOU TAKE UP MORE SPACE AND CANNOT REASONABLY CLEAR THE LEFT SIDE THAT IS FINE

BUT IF YOU STOP ON THE LEFT SIDE IT HAD BEST BE TO MOVE TO THE RIGHT

Today’s pet peeve brought to you by “my train comes once every hour and I don’t have time between interchanges to tap twelve people on the shoulder when they’re clogging the only accessible walkways”

Also we should have more escalators in general, they’re a good happy medium for people who have limited mobility but don’t require elevator space and want to get places on their own time

Also we should have side escalators just for the people who wanna make out all the way up. One that is shielded from my view and frequently disinfected.

What does E = mc^2 actually mean?

Let's start at the very beginning, A very good place to start. When you read, you begin with A-B-C. In science, you begin with E and MC:

E, a quantitative property.

M, the mass of something there.

C, a speed as fast as light.

2, that stands for something squared.

So, if mass and light combined-

Square, and equal energy,

Then, in relative spacetime-

That will bring us back to E equals MC (squared).

That's all in a musical by Rodgers and Einstein of course.