New Stream Archive, In Which I Can't Tell Which Player I Am. Am I 3? Am I 1? Am I 7? Based On How Well

new stream archive, in which i can't tell which player i am. am i 3? am i 1? am i 7? based on how well i can play mario strikers, i'm probably about that old.

today i decided to start posting some of my favorite twitter threads from over the years on my blog, backdated to when i first posted them. why? because they should've been blog posts in the first place, full stop. time to fix that!

i'm tagging them all #backdated so you can view the collection at any time, but i'll update the front page with each new batch too. speaking of which, here's today's batch, loosely sorted by category:

Creative

The Missing Sketchbook, a piece of my childhood and drawing history that i thought i lost

Long Desk

spontaneous creation with toys

Gender

how my oc Rivers helped smash my own gender identity

a reflection on repression, from just days after i came out

Gaming

Mari0 10th Anniversary: how the game and its community changed my life

beating Twilight Princess for the first time and putting it in the broader context of the Zelda series evolution

100 followers!

wow, this is something i'm legitimately surprised about! i certainly didn’t think when starting out that so many people would like my posts so much ✨ it's an honor to provoke thought in and entertain such a large—

wait a sec. what? am i in some kind of time loop?

nah, here's what happened: tumblr had a big account purge sometime in the last year or two! a bunch of old, deactivated, or (mostly) bot accounts were purged from the system all at once, and with it, follower counts dropped across the board – so i dipped back below 100 followers again. that's okay though, considering the circumstances; the new number is more accurate!

i don't have any proof of this because at some point i stopped celebrating follower milestones, but i peaked at 249 followers just before the purge – and dropped all the way back down to 87. that's a lot of bots!!

i know i shouldn't obsess over numbers too much but there is one weird thing: just 3 years ago i was hovering around 240 followers here, and barely holding 100 followers on my twitter. now i'm hovering around 240 on my twitter, and i just made it back to 100 here!

anyway it doesn't really matter where or when people follow me, i'm just happy that so many of y'all like what i say enough to stick around. thanks for reading my nonsense 💖

100 followers!

Wow, this is something I’m legitimately surprised about. I certainly didn’t think when starting out that so many people would like my posts so much! It’s an honor to provoke thought in and entertain such a large–

WHOOPS. I might be a little late to the party ^^; Then again, the other day I checked and had 98, but today after I was notified of a new follower, it’s 103? That makes no sense???

The Story So Far

if i had five minutes to tell my life’s story, what would that look like? what are the common themes and threads? what details are most important, most effective? this was just supposed to be a thought exercise, but i find it makes for a nice blog post! it functions as a tidy summary of all of my life updates both here and on twitter. most of it is focused on the last ten years or so, but in truth, that’s where the most growth lies... as well as some stuff that i’ve kept mostly private until now, which is equally pivotal to my growth. so, without further ado: the story of my life so far.

i had a rather sheltered childhood. i was homeschooled, so i rarely made any friends; the few i did make lived far enough away that i rarely saw them, and i never got too attached since we moved roughly every three years. the only constant people in my life were my family - my dad, my mom, and my brother - who all struggled with their own issues. so, over time, i built a shell: when i was around others, i did what they wanted to do, because their happiness made me happy too. then when i was alone, i recharged with my own solitary interests, like drawing and video games. and for a while... it worked, and i found my own happiness.

then i left home for gifted school at 16 years old. it was essentially college level work with high school level socializing! of course, i was not ready. the course load and social load both shattered the fragile balance i had found as a child, leaving me with frequent panic attacks and low grades. but it wasn’t all bad; it also helped me chip away at my shell. i made more friends than i ever had before, and i went online for the first time - where i started this blog and found spaces to be more myself. ultimately, gifted school was two years of highly accelerated growth, both painful and rewarding.

i barely graduated gifted school, but still somehow went to college with a full scholarship. by comparison, college slowed to a crawl - it was both less social and less work. i fell behind in classes as i wasn’t sufficiently challenged, and did more online as my socializing fluctuated... causing me to procrastinate even further. as my grades dropped i lost my full scholarship, and had to go on student loans plus a state-funded scholarship. then the state cut its scholarship funding during my senior year, and i could not justify taking out more loans to keep going. in truth, i only went because i thought i had to; i didn’t really know why i was there!

...but i figured out why the moment i got home: while i was away, my family was falling apart. my brother left and we didn’t know where he was, my mom was sleeping in the garage and having her own frequent panic attacks, and my dad had exactly two emotions left - raging mad, or dead tired. within a few months my dad divorced and disappeared, shattering my family for good... leaving just me and my mom. she was highly unstable, but i still had a strong conviction to care for her. she’s my mom! she’s the only family i have left!

with the divorce hanging over us, neither i nor my mom had a place to go. so i took the first job i could find and the first place i could find, hoping to take care of her. instead... she took advantage of me, by vandalizing the house i was renting. she flipped breakers and water mains on a whim, DIYed the wiring of outlets and light switches, unplugged the fridge overnight - spoiling all of our food! - and nearly got us both kicked out of my lease. all while complaining that i should be doing more for her! then the pandemic struck, and i felt bad about the idea of kicking her out... but i needed an escape. i was still doing what she wanted so that she wouldn’t hurt me; i was fawning to survive.

all the while, i was still extremely online - and it paid off in spades. one day, i realized one of my mutuals lived in the same city! so i drove somewhere that i didn’t “have to” go for the very first time, and met the person who would soon become my partner: Melody. her love and genuine kindness cracked a hole in my shell, leading me to come out as genderfluid and rethink my life choices. i realized that the fawning i was doing for my mom has always been my shell; that i primarily did what others wanted or expected of me, and made few choices of my own. all for little crumbs of love and acceptance that Melody gave so comparatively freely!

i told Melody about the situation with my mom; i had barely scratched the surface before Melody broke down crying. i realized she was the first person i had told about it, that i had kept it bottled up all this time. so with Melody’s help and support, i finally took steps to combat my mom’s behavior. i locked the breaker box and limited what my mom was doing around the house as she continued to escalate her rampage. finally, i gave her a date to move out by; she didn’t pack or find another place, but only left when i threatened to call the police. she left behind her cats, most of her stuff... and a lot of the “DIY” work she did on the house.

finally, we reach the present day: Melody moved in with me, and we work together daily to build each other up (in stark contrast to my mom). my dad reached out, and we’re working on repairing our relationship; i learned that he divorced because mom did all the same things to him, from the moment i left home for school. i still live in the same “first place i could get” working the same “first job i could get” - which is both a blessing and a curse, as mom’s memories still live on within. and i am actively seeking therapy and medication to heal from the last ten years... and to take more of my shell off.

in the end, i always knew taking my shell off would be my lifelong journey. but i never knew what that shell looked like... much less how much it was hurting me. now that i know, i can truly embrace my journey: to relinquish the naïve comfort of following someone else’s choices, and fearlessly lead myself on my own path.

remember Cartridge Tilt? i vectorized the logo for a series of icons i'm doing. once all the icons are done, i'll post them in a big colorful showcase!

cartridge tilt never really got the love i hoped it would, from players or from myself – but i still haven't forgotten about it. one day i'd love to come back and rewrite it in Rust, if i find the time and energy... we'll see if that ever happens~

still working on extra bits for that links page. here's a tumblr one where the tumblr logo turns into a reblog.

could i do this with a gif? yeah, sure. did i do this with pure css? you bet i did.