The Way That I Am Tired And How I'm Going To Be Tired, I Should Sleep But..... No.

The way that I am tired and how I'm going to be tired, I should sleep but..... No.

“I saw you in my dream the other night You couldn’t move, but you spoke. Made a joke I don’t know what it was I just remember laughing. You loved to make me laugh Maybe tonight you’ll come back with another joke. And leave out the punchline Or you could tell the same joke, again and again, I promise I’ll laugh every time (you know I always laugh. You loved to make me laugh.) I saw you in my dream the other night. Woke up with a belly-full of it So much like you, to leave With a fucking joke.”

—

I realised today how much we put ourselves into our own writings, be it a mere fascination of something we once had, be it our most rational fear or traumas, but I'm in love with the saying "we put a piece of ourselves into our works." Our works resonates us, in every sense of these words. We actually put too many pieces of ourselves, fragments of our past in every character we write, in every action of a role into our works and it amazes me because more often than not we don't realise just how much we do that. We know in the back of our heads that it is exactly how we'd do it but we never learn the courage to say it out loud if not embodied in someone else in writing and the whole time we end up looking for pieces of our own selves. We leave shreds into our works because maybe a part of us is afraid to let those things out because we're afraid what would happen if we did say it out loud.

It's that we leave homes in what we write, we create home in every story/fiction/fanfiction/book/art we've ever written or worked on and even if we may never look back at it again, we know it's still there, that home still exists. The idea of our works being our first home is one of the most beautiful thing ever.

The fanfic you never realised was actually your journal?

Remember everything

Word 2: Church

He softly grazes the top of the wooden bench as he breathes deeply.

There's always been some sort of peace he finds in sitting inside the church after hours when nobody comes inside, when it's almost closing down and the bell starts ringing for midnight. He thinks maybe it comes from being brought to church when he was a little boy and would sit quietly. Even as a little kid, he knew it was the most peaceful place in the world and today, he could use some peace.

Somehow the war was not ending. It was growing incredibly harder and harder to stay inside the manor with Voldemort practically living in one of the quarters making all of their lives miserable but what option did he have. He couldn't run away, he couldn't step back, he couldn't fight back, he was pretty much helpless and out of all of this, he was worried sick about Harry.

The ministry was very stuck on trying to find Harry, no.1 wanted criminal but wherever Harry was hiding, it was better that way.

But tonight Draco felt lonely. He remembers the last Christmas he had with Harry and he wishes he could go back in time and live that day over and over again, just because it was the last perfect moment they had.

"I bought you something." Harry said giving a calming smile.

"You really didn't have to, Harry." Draco insisted. Harry had already given him 2 gifts and he was worried Harry might just never stop.

"This is the last one, I promise." Harry said.

Draco sighed and then nodded, "Show me then.".

Harry smiled again and he fetched a small box from his pocket and opened it.

It was a small locket of a snitch.

"This is a replica of the snitch we followed in our first match. I couldn't think of anything but we both love quidditch and we do have some weird recollection of trying to catch the snitch against each other the first time. I want you to have this, as something to remember me by." Harry explained.

Draco was immediately about to cut Harry off and say something like, they don't need remembering or anything but Harry cut him off to that.

"I don't want to be negative but just look at my history. There's somebody inside the castle who's trying to kill Dumbledore and have me for Voldemort. It's always been clear that one day I'll have to face voldemort and I have a feeling that it'll come sooner than I imagined. I always get in trouble every year and you say I have survival instincts of a cat but I'm not trying to be funny- it's just, we both know that this relationship is not bound to be forever, you and I have always been aware of it but I don't want either one of us to forget this. So, this locket represents that I won't forget you and I hope you won't forget me either." Harry said almost too sadly at the end.

Draco felt overwhelmed, a lot. He wasn't a man of many emotions but right now his heart felt so heavy that he wanted to cry. It deeply saddened him because he was firstly betraying Harry and he could never find the courage in himself to tell Harry the truth but also because he knew that he would be the reason why the relationship would end and it would end very soon.

He looked at Harry for a moment then shook his head, "Harry, no matter what, no matter what goes down, I want you to know that I will always remember you, always love you."

But he knew it'd be their last Christmas.

"I love you too, Draco. I'll always remember you and always remember how you loved me."

Draco smiled sadly at Harry then turned away for a moment to discard his thoughts about telling him the complete truth but he knew the damage it'd do to Harry, so he chose not to. He finally said, "Put it around my neck."

And Harry did and they laughed a bit about how it ruined Draco's aesthetics but also fit quite right in but they enjoyed the last few moments in that forest, the togetherness, the warmth, the embrace before the fall.

Until Draco finally touched the locket and said, "I'm never taking it off, ever. I'll carry it with me forever."

And he meant it.

Sitting in that Church in silence, exactly a year after it happened, he traced the locket in his hand, ran circles around it and shed a tear. He rested his head against the bench and whimpered wishing Harry safety and comfort and he just hoped that Harry was still alive. He wanted Harry to win the war so badly. He needed Harry to win the war so they could finally be together again. He needed Harry to win the war for the whole wizarding world, for past, present and the future, for everything.

He stayed there a while until it was too late and the lights were starting to turn off and he knew he should leave but he needed to do one last thing.

He took out his wand and cast a patronus.

"Find him and tell him to be safe. Tell him, I miss him tonight the most and that I love him more than life itself. Tell him, I still remember everything and I always will."

And the patronus went right through the window and the final lights shut off casting darkness inside the whole church. Draco stood up as he heard Christmas Carol going off somewhere and thought about approaching those voices. It came from behind the streets and he looked at the choir sing from the far corner, not to be seen by anyone. He was about to leave and go back to the manor when a bright blue flamed stag patronus came in front of him and said nothing but went right through where Draco's locket rested and Draco needed no other words.

He walked back home holding the locket close to his chest, "I remember everything."

Projecting my little sadness into this

Tagging some of y'all for a boost, don't hesitate if you're uncomfortable with the tag <3

@phoebe-delia ​ @chinike @elenaxoxo22 ​ @thecornerofbelu @nv-md ​ ​ @cissa-bee @missdrarrydawn @littlebodybigheartttt @harryandginnydeservesbetter @draco-lucious-potter @textrovert-01 @inflation-of-mind @dearly-devoted-dawdler @drarrywords @loves-to-read-fanfic

Brb, I'll go and cry 😭

Okay no, over the span of 2 years I've been on this place, I didn't know what I expected but having 1k followers was far from it. So, there are no words but thank you for each and every single one of you who still follows me, who still chooses to read my work even though I may not express it all that well but it means the absolute world to me 💜