You Watched My Video?

“You watched my video?”

“I always watch your videos.”

“… you know that’s a little creepy, right?”

“Bro,” *deep sigh*, “you only post videos at 2 am after you leave Arby’s having fed your munchies and being sufficiently high not to care about the fact your ex, who cheated on you with your best friend, in still your Facebook friend.”

“… it’s even creepier you know that.”

“I work at Arby’s. At 2:15 am there’s pretty much nothing to do but watch your videos or my great aunt Mrytle’s cat birthday party video. And while Mittens gets banger presents she doesn’t share all her deepest secrets to the random Arby’s employee like you do.”

“Oh.” “Is that why you tripped Kevin?”

“Absolutely. Your life is better than reality TV. I’m invested.”

“… sorry about the whole ‘trapping you in a death labyrinth thing.”

“Sorry about finding out your ex and your best friend are now engaged in the worst way possible.”

“Ugh, why do they even watch my videos?”

Horror isekai where Perceiving the Weird Eldritch Thing gets you catapulted into a nightmare labyrinth of puzzle-solving.

I.e Those Who Perceive The Hunt of the Goblin King Must Partake In The Labyrinth and Can Only Be Freed If They Complete It In One Day and One Night. By Fae Law. For Reasons.

But the definition of “perception” clearly needs to be updated because some normal guy simply films the Hunt of the Goblin King Behind Arby’s, and puts it on Facebook -

No, not instagram or TikTok, it’s important that it be Facebook -

Because the rules are pretty clear, “the rules are the rules” as is carved ominously in elvish runes above the grim gate, and the Contract is Sealed. and so therefore the guy and 25 of their most random real-life acquaintances must run the gauntlet together. It’s Some Guy, their immediate neighbors, their first partner’s mom, their friends from hobby Facebook groups (oh this poor guy and their hobbies; the elderly birdwatchers from Facebook and the young up-and-coming drag king community), their random teen kid niece, college friends, a dog who also watched the video, a couple consisting of a woman who is the guy’s Facebook friend and showed her husband the video, and the husband doesn’t even know Some Guy, so he’s in the labyrinth and absolutely furious about being forced to be involved, and they proceed to break up over the course of the puzzle.

It’s important that the narrative keeps trying to be a sexy dark horror isekai! but within this the comedic reality of Catherine, 52, the guy’s horse-riding instructor, being passionately involved in escape-room-style puzzle solving and grappling with minor goblins. They are in fact speedrunning the gauntlet.

The Goblin King finally has to say: all right, actually, I only really set all this up to fuck with one (1) guy at a time, thanks for your willingness to participate, but I think all 25 of you can consider the gauntlet fully run.

And the group would be quite hurt by that. The rules are the rules. We have a contract, actually. Let Catherine cook.

I got a laptop with Windows 11 for an IT course so I can get certified, and doing the first time device set-up for it made me want to commit unspeakable violence

Windows 11 should not exist, no one should use it for any reason, it puts ads in the file explorer and has made it so file searches are also web searches and this cannot be turned off except through registry editing. Whoever is responsible for those decisions should be killed, full stop.

Switch to linux, it's free and it's good.

Now with Yelena’s (possible) thoughts.

Kate: so, I heard you like bad girls

Yelena: (you heard wrong. Natasha said it was bad after I confessed to being a morosexual.)

Kate: well *laughs* I’m bad at everything

Yelena: (oh god, oh god, I’m going to marry this idiot one day, aren’t I?) *looks down*

Yelena: you’re standing in wet cement (fml, she’s perfect)

Kate: so, I heard you like bad girls

Yelena:

Kate: well *laughs* I’m bad at everything

Yelena:

Yelena: you’re standing in wet cement

Natasha: We’re just gonna

Yelena: take you with us.

Kate (almost excited): Am I being kidnapped?

Natasha: No

Yelena: no, no

Natasha: no.

Kate (curious): Can I leave?

Natasha and Yelena (softly in tandem as they gently grab Kate’s arms): No.

Kate (willingly going along): Feels a bit like kidnapping.

Yelena: Yes, well,

Natasha: if this was a kidnapping you’d probably be unconscious

Yelena: from my thighs around your neck.

Kate (hopeful): Can it become a kidnapping? Asking for a friend.

Natasha: You were asking for yourself.

Kate (sad): Am I not your friend?

Natasha and Yelena to werewolf Kate after their initial plan went to shit and the red rooms are now onto all three of them

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSY5E7Veu/

afgdshfd accurate af bahaha

Kate: ok i will stay behind to ward them off Yelena & Natasha: bitch u thought

some of my favorite replies to this tweet. happy lesbian visibility week!

Alright, but I feel we’re all sleeping on cultural miscommunication (but not the way you think). Lena creates something to help Kara against kryptonite in an emergency but for science reasons it can only be either a necklace or a bracelet. Given bracelet’s are easier to hide as Kara she makes it that. Lena knows about the Kryptonian marriage customs so double checks it’s okay before gifting it to Kara. Happiness.

Fast forward a few months and Supergirl uses her new protective bracelet publicly. The public collectively gasps. They know as much as they could learn about Kryptonian culture including about marriage bracelet’s. Assumptions are made and one bold reporter asks where Supergirl got the life saving bling. Kara’s always happy to talk about her bestie and goes into a loving rant about Lena’s awesome design skills and isn’t it cool how she’s keeping Supergirl safe. It’s very *hint-hint* *nudge-nudge*. Kara thinks she’s subtly saying Lena is good, not bad, and please stop saying bad things about her. What the public hears is ‘doesn’t my wife love me so much’.

The cultural miscommunication was ‘actually, that is my culture but we were going by yours’.

So now everyone and their dog assume Lena Luthor is married to Supergirl and has been for months. Which Lena is fine with but she’d really like to know how Mrs. Morrision’s dog can talk. The news has said much worse things about her after all. Kara’s all “oh no! I caused this, I’ll fix it!” And proceeds to do everything to make it worse.

Including denying very vocally they aren’t together and when asked if she doesn’t find Lena attractive turning into a beat red stumbling mess and accidentally breaking the studio. Explaining the Kryptonian marriage customs they did not do (because they are not married) and causing a public outcry about how Supergirl and her wife are being prevented from honouring her cultural customs. There’s a vote to turn the sun red for a day. Lena’s vastly amused about how people are petitioning to let her do what Lex is in prison for.

Kara’s increasingly flustered leading to even more horrible attempts to fix things. Lena’s just going with the flow and living the dream. Culminating in Supergirl giving Lena a cheek kiss goodbye absentmindedly (because Lena’s been teasing her about how wives say goodbye) and it getting caught on camera. Alex starts dropping ‘subtle’ hints about how it’s be okay if Kara and Lena were actually together. (Kara may have learned her subtly from Alex).

Then the envoy from the galactic counsel arrives to congratulate Kara Zor-el for wedding into the ruling House of Earth. Kara’s all ‘just shoot me now’ because this means her mother knows. Alex’s all ‘why, you wouldn’t even feel it?’ Lena steps up to correct the assumption finally (but she really is kinda the ruling House of Earth). Kara’s mom immediately goes “but would you like to?” And proceeds to attempt negotiating the marriage between Kara and Lena. Only for Lillian to rush out of where she’d been watching with a counter offer.

The betrayal! But really, exactly who they’d want for their beloved daughter completely with sound business reasons for a merger. Plus they adore each other. Kara and Lena share a look because they know they just went from ‘fake’ married to accidentally courting/married in two seconds flat.

i would kill for a supercorp fake dating/married fic but like, not an au. canon compliant. like can you imagine