Secrets And Candor

Secrets and Candor

Chapter 2 : Emerging Love

Pairing: Laindrin Sedai x Reader

Word Count: about 1400

Warning: none, really

Summary: You're helping Laindrin's son and realise some things Chapter 3

(Also made a playlist for Liandrin)

A/n: Hope you liked the first Chapter, here's the second one. There'll be one more!!

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You were in the middle of getting dressed when someone knocked. You turned to the door and bid her in. Liandrin hesitantly stepped in, it nearly seemed like she was unsure of herself. Of how to act.

"Could you help me? I'll just need the corset tied and then I'm ready." You asked and turned your back to her. You heard her slowly approach and without a word she tied your corset and stepped back again.

When you turned around you looked at her properly. She was in her usual red attire, red dress with a dark corset. Her lipstick was darker than usual, her hair even stricter than other days. It felt harder, like a defence mechanism, to hide vulnerability and seem stronger.

"Lead the way." You gently said and smiled, as you realised that she didn't move a bit and just stared at you. Your words seemed to have pulled her back to reality, her features hardened, her eyes grew colder and she turned to leave the room. You followed.

You walked in complete silence. Liandrin walked fast and didn't once turn to look for you. It felt like she wanted you to loose her, but you kept up with her and never lost sight of her.

The streets were still empty, most shops were still closed and little people seemed to even be awake. It was apparent why Liandrin had chosen this time to visit her son.

Just around the corner of her sons room she stopped walking so abruptly you nearly walked right into her. She turned around sharply and stared at you. Her eyes were threatening you more than words ever could have and yet you saw fear in them. She still didn't really trust you.

"It's okay, Liandrin. I know." You simply said and nodded slightly. And it was the truth, you knew her fear and her vulnerabilities but also all the threats on the tip of her tongue, all the insults and the rage.

You slowly pushed past her and approached the door. Just as you wanted to open the door she was next to you and slapped your hand away from the door handle. You looked up at her surprised.

Wordless she opened the door and entered first. It was incredibly fascinating to see her whole demeanour shift. Her features softened, her whole body sank a little. She looked less proud, less cold.

She approached the bed and gently sat down on the side of it, just like she had the first time you had seen her here. She took her sons hand in hers and stroked it.

"Hello, my love. Wake up, my darling. I'm sorry I didn't come for so long. I brought someone with me. She wants to help you, ease the pain a bit. I'm so sorry I didn't do this before, I didn't want to leave you in pain. I'm sorry." Her voice cracked slightly at the last words, you didn't comment on it. You didn't say anything, just patiently waited by the door. Her gentleness and tender care for him amazed you, never before had to seen this side of her.

She stood up and came over to you. She stood beside you but didn't look at you.

"Be quick about it." She said, voice harder again. But by far not as cold as usual. You nodded and stepped to the bed. His hand was spasming again and you wished to reach for it, but didn't dare to. Afraid that Liandrin would immediately throw you out.

You closed your eyes and reached out, your hands hanging in the air above him. You concentrated and felt the source, felt the power run through you, felt the weaves building around you. You opened your eyes again and watched the weaves weave around the man and do their work. You concentrated them mostly on his heart, because that was where he had the most pain.

It only took a couple of minutes and as you were finished the effect was immediately apparent. He relaxed into the bed and his hand stopped spasming. His features stoftened. You turned to look at Liandrin, smiling gently. You opened your mouth to say something, but she was faster.

"Leave." Her tone was hard, cold. But her eyes were fixated on her son. You wanted to stay, be there for her. Something inside you screamed at you to talk back. Everything in you felt a need to comfort her, be close to her. You nodded and left her alone with her son.

Without ever talking about it a routine had settled. Every week, the same day, the same time -always at dawn- she came to your room and together you visited her son. She never left you alone with him, always observing you, looking over your shoulder like she feared you'd hurt him if did ad much as blink.

You would ease his pain and the second you were finished she would throw you out. Though week by week, she let you stay a little longer. Not much, just mere seconds, but she seemed to accept your presence more and more. Her son seemed much more relaxed and, though you didn't know for sure, you were sure Liandrin did as well.

Week after week you observed more and more of her time alone with her son. Where she had sent you out immediately the first time, she send you out when she had already approached the bed in later weeks. Though always with the same hard and icy tone. Out of her mouth it almost sounded like you had insulted her, not helped her.

You had finished weaving and Liandrin approached the bed, she gently sat down again and leaned closer to her son, taking his hand. She hadn't ordered you to leave yet, so you took that opportunity and stayed. Silently standing next to the bed.

"My darling..." She whispered and smiled. You weren't sure if you had ever seen her genuinely smile. It immediately made you smile as well, your heart fluttering. You realised you always wanted to make her smile. You wanted to be the reason for her happiness. As the realisation settled in your mind, Liandrin looked up and scoffed.

"Why are you still standing there? Haven't you learned by now to leave?" She nearly spit the words out. You were pulled out of your thoughts and opened your mouth to say something but thought better of it. You turned on your heel and left.

The next week, everything went by as usual. Liandrin was outside your room at dawn, you walked in silence, she entered the room and talked to her son very quickly. You channelled to ease his pain and stepped back as you were finished. She sat down on the bed and took his hand. You turned to leave, not wanting to upset her again like the week before. But before you could leave the room she spoke up.

"Stay." You felt a spark inside of you and tried to hide a smile. Slowly you turned around again and looked at her patiently for an explanation. Her eyes were fixated on her son, and she didn't look up even as she spoke.

"Why? Why do you do this?" The question surprised you. You could hear that she had tried to sound like her usual confident and icy self but failed miserably. Her voice was thinner than usual and she sounded vulnerable. You wanted to step closer again but she ordered you to stay back. Her voice having regained some of its coldness. So you stayed back.

"Liandrin, I'm part of the yellow ajah for a reason. I have always wanted to be a healer, help people..." you wanted to hide the actual reason you were doing this. The reason that had always been there since the beginning but had just grown over the weeks. But Liandrin interrupted you sharply.

"Cut the shit. Why do you do this?" Her voice cut sharply through the previous gentleness. You sighed.

"I'm not sure you're ready for that conversation." Was your simple answer, and it actually made her look up. Her eyes widened and she looked nearly offended. No one ever dared to talk to her like that. You could see she wanted to say something but you didn't give her a chance. You left without another word. She looked after you and kept her eyes on the empty spot where you had stood just mere seconds ago for quiet some time after you had left. Her eyes filled with deep betrayal.

Outside the building you leaned against a wall and took a deep, shaky breath. It was a dangerous game the two of you were playing.

Left Behind

Pairing: Moiraine Sedai/Reader

Word Count: 2020

Warning: implied sexual activity

Summary: Moiraine left for the Dragon Reborn without saying goodbye or an explanation. Three years later she's back in the Tower.

A/n: I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but a lot happened. In Uni and my personal life, so I didn't have too much time. I'm sorry. I hope you like it. Request: @lovequinnin (I hope its kind of like you wanted it <3)

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You rounded a corner in the Tower and suddenly stood right in front of Lan. For a dreadful second you just stared at him before slowly walking backwards around the corner and fleeing.

If Lan was here, Moiraine wasn't far.

Everything inside of you screamed to go to her. To ask how she'd been, hug her, kiss her. But she had hurt you once, and you didn't want her to do it again. Even after three years, it still hurt. Every day. Every moment. You wouldn't be able to live through that a second time. It would break you, completely and irrevocably. So you just kept your distance.

Which was harder than it sounded. The Tower was big, but not that big. And being a part of the brown Ajah, sitting in the library all day definitely didn't help, when Moiraine needed something from the Library every day.

The first day it was inconvenient, but it wasn't unusual. Everyone needed to go to the library sometimes. The encounter was awkward but bearable. She left as fast as she had come. You barely looked at her, politely but coldly giving her the book she needed. Politely but coldly asking if she needed anything else. And politely but coldly saying goodbye, turning around and going back to work.

The second day it was simply annoying. You dreaded seeing her more often just because she needed a book. You didn't really look up, but just the way she walked, her voice, her presence was enough to make your heart ache.

The fifth day you started to get suspicious. She had come every day for the past five days and everyday it seemed as if she needed a different book. All on topics, that weren't related in any way. It was unusual for Moiraine, she was organised, structured. It didn't fit her way of working.

On the morning of the seventh day you decided to talk to her about it. It was absolutely silly. This game made you go crazy. It was like she wanted to see you hurt. But on this day, for the first time in a week, she didn't come.

Not in the morning, not in the afternoon and not in the evening. It was already dark outside when you left the library, you had stretched your work, secretly hoping she would still come. But she hadn't, and that nearly hurt more than seeing her.

You strolled through the tower absent-mindedly, thinking about Moiraine. You were fighting with yourself. Your heart longed to see her, your brain screamed at you to stay away. To protect yourself, protect your heart.

Apparently the wheel decided to make that decision for you.

As you strolled down the corridor, on your way back to your room, you bumped into someone. You looked up and started an apology, that immediately got stuck in your throat as you saw the face of the person you had run into. It was Moiraine. Of course it was, who else would it be?

You stuttered out a few words, more like sounds, before taking a step back, as you suddenly realised how close you were. You pulled yourself together and straightened up a bit. You dared to look at her, but avoided her eyes. You knew that her eyes would always break you.

"Moiraine." You simply said, voice steady even though you felt your hands tremble slightly.

You saw the corners of her lips rise slightly, her eyes searching for yours.

"(Y/n)." She said softly. You could hear a hint of hope in her voice, a hint of...longing?

"Can I help you?" Your voice was icier than you had intended, but you couldn't pull back anymore. Her smile faded and her shoulders sank just a little bit. Gently she sighed.

"Please, can we talk?" She asked you, voice steady as always. Like it didn’t mean anything to her, at all. You stared at her, speechless. Her voice was steady, so steady she had nearly fooled you. But, just nearly. You sensed how desperate, how helpless she was. Even though she had no right to be. She had no right to be hurt, when she had been the one who had hurt you.

Your mouth opened and closed, your eyes widened a little. You couldn't find the words. So you grabed her arm and pulled her a few metres down the corridor, opened the door of your room and pulled her inside. Thinking about it now, she had probably went to your room earlier, hadn't found you and had just been leaving when you had bumped into her.

"You want to talk? Ok, let's talk." You said, voice filled with rage. Rage that you desperately hoped would hide your pain, would shove your tears down. It was a thin line between rage and hurt.

"(Y/n)..." She started but you harshly cut her off.

"No, you have no right to talk right now. Even coming to the library every single day is just outrageous. You just left. Three years ago, you left. You were just gone one day and never said a word. No letter, no message, no explanation." The words burst out of you, they'd been hidden inside of you for so long. All the hurt, the confusion and the anger just spilled out of you.

You could see the surprise on Moiraine's face, she steped back a little and tried to say something, but you just rambled on. Giving her no room for answers and explanations.

"You left me behind, like all those times together meant nothing to you. Like I meant nothing to you." You abruptly stopped talking as you saw Moiraine's eyes getting wet, her cheeks redden slightly, and her whole body slightly collapsed in on itself.

You wanted to go on, wanted to shout at her, wanted to make her feel everything she had made you feel. But your stupid heart betrayed you, it still beat for her. No words left your mouth. You simply stood there, like you were petrified. After a second you moved again, took a few steps back and sank into a chair.

You rest your head on your hands and looked down, trying hard to keep the tears down. In vain. Just a few slipped out and rolled down your cheeks, but you didn't let Moiraine see them.

You heard her getting closer, slowly, carefully. She stopped, and sighed. As she started to talk, her voice was soft like honey and strong. But it was wavering a bit, just a tiny bit. But you noticed. You'd always notice.

"I'm sorry. I had to leave, it was for your own safety. I couldn't say anything, the Amyrlin Seat forbid me to-..." you cut her off again, though not nearly as harshly as before.

"Since when do you listen to the Amyrlin Seat?" It sounded bitter, but teary.

"Since it meant protecting you." She said. It's raw, full of emotion. Different to what she usually sounds like, and it made you look up. As if to check, if it's still Moiraine who's talking. But it was.

You sighed, the exhaustion of the day and the tears stronger than your rage. For the first time in three years you thought, that maybe she really hadn't meant to hurt you. That maybe she never stopped loving you.

Your voice is quiet, thin as you speak. It's wavering and doesn't sound like your voice. Even to you, it's foreign. You looked down again, not having enough strength to look at her while talking.

"I didn't need your protection. I needed your love. When you left, you took a part of me with you. A part of me I never got back." Your eyes were glued to the floor and a tear falls to the ground. You felt her before you saw her.

She had kneeled down in front of you and gently grabbed your chin between her fingers to lift your head. You tried to turn away, to not lock eyes with her, but her grip was strong. It held you in place, it forced you to look at her.

You saw hurt, pain, regret but most importantly love. Love, like you hadn't seen in three years. Her hand wandered to your cheek and cupped it, softly stroking your skin, wiping a few tears away.

"(Y/n)" she quietly breathed your name. Her name on your lips had always sounded like a promise. Until she broke that promise.

"I'm so sorry for the way I hurt you. It's never what I wanted. Lan had said I shouldn't...but I couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk your safety." The words sounded sincere, like the truth. It sounded, which almost hurt the most, a lot like something Moiraine would do. She had always estimated the value of love far too low. Even if it was her own love, maybe especially when it was her own love.

"Don't you think that should have been my decision?" You asked sadly, smiling bitterly, nearly accusing. She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, there was determination in them, strength.

"I knew that you would have wanted to come with us. But that wasn't possibly, I couldn't have forgiven myself if... If you'd been hurt." You tilted your head to the side a little, like a curious puppy. Didn't she know? That you would have died for her. You blinked a few times, trying to find fitting words.

"I would have," you replied softly, "I love you."

The tense surprised you both. Of course, you knew that you still loved her, you just hadn't meant to admit that. But she looked at you like she had expected you to hate her. To never feel anything good for her again. Didn't she know? That you'd always love her.

No one dared to say anything, as if it would break the spell. As if it would catapult you back to reality, like this was a dream. You felt her hand still on your cheek, warm and tingling. She doesn't acknowledge it, but she doesn't move it away either.

"Still?" She asked with a thin voice, not much louder than a whisper. Didn't she know?

"Of course. Nothing you could do would ever make me stop loving you."  You saw a tear slowly roll down her cheek. She sucked it up and looked away, fighting against the tears. She slightly shook her head in denial.

"I do. I'll always love you, Moiraine." You gently directed her face back to look at you and dry her tear. Your thumb softly stroked over her lips and slightly parted them. Moiraine's eyes closed and she breathed in shakily.

Slowly, carefully you leaned forward and captured her lips in a kiss. It's a soft kiss, short and careful. It's a question. And Moiraine answerd.

She pressed against your lips, more desperately than you, it nearly felt guilty. Like she wanted to apologise, make up for lost time. Show you, that she cared. That she loved and longed.

You're a little startled by her kiss, but soon you pulled her closer, held her and forgave her. You started taking of her clothes, stood up and draged her to the bed. It was messy, hastily and chaotic. But it was all you needed. Her. By your side.

"I'll come with you." You breathed out quietly against her hair. You were intertwined, under the sheets, arm in arm.

"No, you don't even know where I'm going or what I'm doing." She protested, her voice almost sounded desperate. Desperate to protect you, to keep you safe.

"You won't leave me here again. I'm coming with you." Your voice is steady, calm. You knew you would win the argument, you usually did.

"It's dangerous."

"I don't care. If you'd asked, I would have come with you three years ago." The blunt truth hung in the air. She hadn't left you a choice back then, she had decided for you. You wouldn't let her do that again, and she knew it.

"I'm sorry. We lost so much time together." She whispered softly, and you pulled her closer into your embrace. You placed a soft kiss on her head.

"We'll make up for it."

Ahem-

Lover to Lover

Chapter 1: The Arches

Pairing: Liandrin Sedai x Reader , Alanna Sedai x Reader (platonic)

Word Count: about 3300

Warning: character death, rape, vomiting, choking, bleeding

Summary: You're a novice in the tower and are ready to go through the Arches. You face your biggest fears, past, present and future and have a talk with Liandrin afterwards. Chapter 2

A/n: So, yet another Liandrin fanfic, I'm just absolutely in love with her!! Obviously, she isn't part of the Black Ajah here. Next, I'll probably write a Moiraine fanfic again, which is already in the making. Hope you like it <3

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Alanna stepped forward and helped you take of your dress and your shoes. You stood in front of them in nothing more than your chemise. Before Alanna stepped away with your clothes she leaned a little closer.

"You can do this, don't doubt your ability." You smiled at her weakly and turned around to look at the Arches again. Your hands were trembling, and your heart was racing. There was no doubt about it: you were scared even before you had to face your greatest fears. This is going to be such a disaster, you thought.

"Whatever awaits you, you must face it with nothing but your wits. Not even the one power will be available to you inside the Arches." Sheriam Sedai softly spoke, and you looked at her over your shoulder. All three of them looked like they were just as scared as you, which didn't really lift your spirits.

You saw them close their eyes, concentrate and start to channel. Your eyes found their way back to the Arches.

"The way back will come but once." Sheriam Sedai said behind you and you saw their weaves flow around you and activate the Arches. The ornaments started to glow blue, and it looked like a blurry mirror had replaced the empty air of the first Arch.

You looked over at Alanna, who nodded reassuringly and slowly walked through the Arch. The first thing that you saw was darkness, presumably the ground that you had just fallen onto face first.

Slowly you stood up and knocked the dirt off your clothes. You weren't wearing the white chemise anymore. In its place was a dress in sage green with a white apron tied over it. You recognised the clothes immediately. You had worn them only once, when they had been freshly bought and never again after that day.

You started to panic, you had an idea what you would have to experience again. And you definitely didn't want to. You looked around you, immediately recognising the forest you were in. It was the forest just by the village you had grown up in. It wasn't particularly big but beautiful to walk through, with a little clearing to sit in the grass.

You and your sister had loved exploring the forest when you were little. Looking at all the different plants and flowers, learning what they could do, what they could heal. Observing the birds and animals.

"Faile! Where are you?" You started to scream for your sister, hopeful that it wasn't too late yet. That, with your knowledge, you could still save her. Like a maniac you started to run through the woods and screamed her name again and again. You couldn't find her and secretly thought that maybe you had been wrong about the day. About what was going to happen.

You weren't. Just as you wanted to leave the forest you heard a scream, high-pitched and most definitely from your sister. Your heartbeat increased immediately, and you turned to the direction of the sound. Another scream, and your name. You started running rather uncoordinated and nearly tripped over a stone.

The screams became louder and suddenly you saw her. She lay on the ground between leafs and wood, a hooded man bent over her. His hand was on her throat and Faile was gasping, she obviously couldn't breathe. Her dress was shoved up, and the man moved between her legs. Faile tried to kick him away, but the man held her down. You felt sick, like you had to throw up. Turning away, you tried to tell yourself it wasn't real. But it looked real, it felt real, it was real.

"Don't touch my sister." You shouted, and the man's head shot around, he stopped moving though his hand still strangled Faile. You approached him and tried to get him off of your sister, but he just shoved you away. You felt grown up, but that day in the forest you had just been nine years old. Small and easy to shove away for a grown man. You fell backwards into the mud, tears streaming over your face. A streak of blood flowed down your arm where you had cut yourself on a stone.

Your sister was turning pale, she didn't gasp as much anymore, and you knew what was happening. You had seen it before. Her whole body was trembling, though not for much longer. You screamed for her, for your mother, for your father, hoping they'd hear you. But no one came.

"The way back will come but once." Sheriam Sedai's voice faintly echoed through the woods and you shot around. A few feet behind you an Arch appeared. It was a little translucent and looked like it could disappear any second. The edges glowed blue just like they had in the tower, when the Aes Sedai had activated it. With a panicked look back at your dying sister you stumbled over wood and mud through the Arch and fell onto the stone ground, crying.

Not a second later you felt cold water fall on you. Looking up a little, you saw Leane Sedai through tears. A big stone jug in hand and looking down at you, she spoke.

"You are washed clean of your sins and the sins committed against you. You come to us pure in heart and soul." Leane stepped away, a sob escaped you, and you whispered your sisters name into the cold. She was dead, and dead she would stay. Forever.

Alanna was at your side and helped you stand up. Her eyes conveyed pure sadness and understanding, but her mouth spoke something else.

"You're brave, you have to go on. Through the next Arch." You stared at her, like you had forgotten there even were more Arches. Slowly you looked behind you and saw the other two. Could you really do this again? Tow more times?

"Was it real? Could I have changed something?" You whispered to her, voice still thin and quivering. She gently shook her head.

"No one knows." She let go of your arm and stepped back to her sisters again. You turned to face the second Arch as it started glowing just like the first had done and Sheriam spoke.

"The way back will come but once." The second Arch was ready, and you bravely stepped through it against all your instincts.

For a moment all you saw was light and suddenly, like it hit you right in the face, you knew where you were. You were standing at your sisters grave. Although it was not closed and decorated with flowers like usually, it was open.

Carefully, hesitantly you took a look inside. There wad nothing but dirt. No corpse, that was good. Wasn't it? But why was it open then? You turned and looked around you, there was no one. No one on the whole graveyard. So you started walking in the direction of home. Of your parents, of presumed safety.

You left the graveyard and walked up the little hill that separated the graveyard from the village. It was just a little trail in the grass that people had used for decades. On top of the hill you had a good view of the village, it looked just like always. Just like the last time you had been there. Nothing seemed to have changed at all.

Last time you had sent a message home, your parents had told you everything was fine. Everyone was well. Your brother's apprenticeship with the baker was going well, and he liked the job. Your grandma hadn't gotten any sicker. The village was just like you had left it. Though that last message had been three months ago. A lot could happen in three months, you knew that.

You slowly started walking down the hill towards the village. Half way there you spotted someone. No, not just someone. Your grandmother. She was walking slowly, head down and heavily leaning on a walking stick. You wanted to shout, let her know you were there. But the words got stuck in your throat as you realised who followed her. Six people, one of them your little brother, carrying a wooden board. It was filled with flowers that were overlapping at the sides. Most of them were chrysanthemums, your dads favourite flowers. Between the flowers you could faintly make out the form of a person. It didn't take a lot of hard thinking to understand who that was.

A scream escaped you as you fell to your knees. At that your grandmother looked up and from behind your brother, your mother looked at you. As she saw you, she came running towards you, falling to her knees at your side. She pulled you into her arms rocking you gently as you cried. Her hand softly stroked your back, she didn't ask questions. She didn't ask how you had come here, why you had come, she simply held you.

A few minutes later, your grandma, the six carriers and the rest of the village that followed them walked by you. On shaky legs you stood up, your arm linked with your mother's. Together you followed them to the grave. Your brother and the other five men let the wooden board down and set it next to the grave. In mere seconds your arms were wrapped around your brother. He was crying, you were crying, and suddenly you felt nine again. Taking your big sister to her grave with your little brother by your side. He had been just two at the time, not really understanding anything.

You felt for your grandmother, taking her only son to the grave. That's not how it was supposed to. But, her son had taken a child to her grave as well. Maybe that curse just ran in your family. Maybe that would happen to all of you one day. She stood bravely, didn't cry, didn't complain. She simply embraced you and told you everything would be alright.

"We missed you, little bird." She whispered into the hug and more tears found its way down your cheeks. You freed yourself from the hug and turned to your father's corpse. Just as you wanted to kneel down, say a farewell you heard something.

"The way back will come but once." It was faint, like a whisper in the wind. And yet you understood. You had to leave. And you would never see your father again. You blew him a teary kiss and whispered a goodbye, before walking towards the glowing Arch. You heard your brother asking where you were going, why you were leaving again. You didn't dare turn around, or you would have stayed.

Stumbling though the Arch, you came to an abrupt halt as you saw Alanna. She noticed the tears on your face and her features softened, smiling sadly before she washed you clean with water, just like Leane Sedai had after the first Arch.

"You are washed clean of your sins and the sins committed against you. You come to us pure in heart and soul." She spoke and checked you for injuries but found none. Stepping back she put down the jug and stood back in line with Leane and Sheriam.

"My father-... He..." you croaked out, desperately wanting to tell someone. Desperately wanting to hear that it wasn't real, that he was still alive. But you remembered Alanna's words. No one knows.

Alanna gently shook her head to silence you and, just like her sisters, turned to the last Arch. The middle one. You wiped away your tears and turned to the Arch as well. Taking in a deep breath you tried to straighten yourself up. I didn't quiet work.

"The way back will come but once."

This time you walked through the Arch slowly, tired of the pain, tired of seeing your loved ones die around you. Again light hit you, and you blinked a few times to see your surroundings. A little surprised you realised that you were sat on a horse. You looked down, and saw that you weren't in clothes of a novice anymore. Your sleeves were embroidered with the colours of the different Ajahs. You were an Accepted.

A look around told you that you were on some sort of mission. You could see Alanna and her warders, Maksim and Ihvon. Next to her on a horse was Moiraine followed quietly by Lan. A few Reds and a yellow sister also accompanied you. The Reds of course didn't have any warders. One Red in particular caught your eye. It was Liandrin. She looked ahead proudly, picture perfect posture and didn't talk a word with anyone.

You wanted to ride a little faster and catch up with her but at that moment you heard an awful sound somewhere between the trees. It sounded very close and yet you couldn't see anything. Everyone's heads snapped around and stared into the direction of the sound. The sound was easily recognisable as Trollocs. Panic rose in you, you had only ever heard of them, and that had been enough for you. You had no desire to actually meet them.

The sounds got louder and there was most definitely something coming towards you. All the Aes Sedai got ready to channel, and their warders pulled out their weapons. You faintly heard Alanna say something and a second later Maksim was at your side.

"I don't need your protection. You're Alanna's warder. Not mine." You snap at him, you hadn't meant to sound so mean. But you were scared and probably did need his protection, though you didn't want to admit that. Her looked at you and grinned, he looked right through you. In all the time that Alanna had taught you, Maksim and Ihvon had spent a lot of time with you as well and you had become close.

"Sorry, maybe I do." You mumbled a little sheepish and he laughed. Before he could say something a Trolloc roared through the woods and shortly after that you also saw it. It was a horrible sight. It was huge and had tusks like a boar, just three times that big. It was partly covered in fur, which looked like it was covered in blood in some parts. You practically felt your pulse and heartbeat quicken. Behind the first Trolloc you could see many more that all ran towards you. The earth seemed to tremble under their steps. Your horse instinctively took a step back, but you didn't complain.

Everyone around you had started to channel and use their power to protect the group. Lan and Ihvon had jumped off their horses and stood in front of you with their swords in hand, ready to fight. You closed your eyes and concentrated on your weaves, everyone else was fighting, why not you? As you opened them again and expected to see weaves around you, you were momentarily dumbfounded when you couldn't see any weaves of your own.

You tried again, nothing. Why the hell couldn't you channel? You looked around again, everyone else was doing it. You straightened up and concentrated very hard, but not even a single spark appeared. You looked at Maksim, who raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I can't channel." You stated, as if that wasn't obvious even to him. He just wanted to answer as your head shot a little further to the side, and you looked past him. It was Liandrin who had caught your eye, she had just been in the middle of channelling as a dagger hit her right in the stomach. A dagger full of Trolloc poison. She gasped and fell of her horse backwards. In mere seconds you had jumped off your horse and ran to her. Maksim was shouting something but you ignored him.

You fell to your knees at her side and stared at her bleeding wound. You didn't know what to do so you just pulled the dagger out, hoping that the poison would maybe not become too much then. She groaned as the dagger once again moved through her flesh.

"I know, it hurts. Someone'll help you, I'm sure. Hold on, Lia." You felt hot tears run down your cheek and your hands were covered in blood, the blood that kept soaking Liandrin's clothes as it left the wound.

"I've never learned how to... I can't help you." You desperately sobbed, while Liandrin tried to speak. No words came out, she was choking on her own blood that seemed to make its way up her trachea. Maksim stood behind you, you could feel it. He kneeled at your side and put a hand on your shoulder. You violently shook it off.

"Help me, get Alanna or the yellow sister. Please, Maksim." You stared at him, completely panicked, but he just shook his head. The battle was still going on, though you didn't notice any of it. It felt like the world had stopped around you. The only thing you saw and heard was Liandrin, her blood, her choking.

"You stupid Reds, if you had warders this wouldn't have happened." You snapped at her, though your heart wasn't behind it. The words came out rather wobbly and full of tears. You could practically see Liandrin slip away in your arms, by now not just her clothes were covered in blood but yours as well.

"Maksim, do something. Please, I know you don't like her but..." you sobbed but Maksim just gently held your arm. He knew it was too late for Liandrin, and deep down you knew it as well. You just didn't want it to be true. Someone interrupted you and you looked up confused.

"The way back will come but once." Sheriam Sedai's voice rang out. You slowly looked ahead and again saw the glowing Arch. You looked down at the dying Liandrin and, leaning down, you gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. As you stood up Maksim's eyes followed you, but he didn't say anything. You felt sick as you fell through the Arch and immediately threw up on the stone ground. Luckily the water that hit you washed the vomit away.

"You are washed clean of your sins and the sins committed against you." Sheriam Sedai spoke and stepped back. Alanna helped you stand up again and looked you up and down, a shocked expression on her face. You looked down as well. Your chemise was completely covered in blood, as were your hands and arms.

"It's not my blood." You croaked out and nearly didn't recognise your own voice. Relief washed over her face. Though you weren't relieved at all. You felt like someone had pulled all your organs out and had left you completely empty.

Sheriam stepped forward and Leane stood by her side. You had the faint idea that Alanna was probably supposed to step away from you and stand at Sheriam's side as well, but she didn't move one millimetre. And you were thankful for it.

Sheriam smiled, for you there was nothing to smile about. You had just seen three of the most important people in your life die. And it had felt as real as this moment right now. Still you tried to look a little more confident, straightening up and wiping some tears away.

"You come to us pure in heart and soul. You are (Y/n) (L/n), Accepted of the White Tower." Sheriam Sedai spoke and reached out to you, holding a great serpent ring in her hand. It was still empty, without any sort of indication to an Ajah as you yet had to choose one.

"You may wear the ring on the third finger of your left hand, and only there." She spoke, and your trembling hand took the ring from her and put it on. You looked at it, it seemed to small, so banal compared to what you had just been through.

"Thank you, Sheriam Sedai and Leane Sedai." You spoke quietly. And looked over to Alanna. All you wanted right now was to leave. Thankfully she understood.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." She softly spoke, got your dress and shoes and led you to her own room. Soon you would get a bigger room as well, all the Accepted had bigger rooms. But right now you still had the small room of a novice, which meant no bath. And Alanna understood that you weren't in the mood for a public bath. Luckily she had her own bath.

For you, everything just happened in a daze, and suddenly you felt yourself being covered by clean and soft linen and your head hit a pillow.

Tracy Chapman and Luke Combs performing Fast Car at the Grammys

When you finally get to the scene you’ve been waiting to write