I'm Trying This Climb. It's A Mountain. Kilimanjaro Like. It's Called Life Though. Been Climbing For

I'm trying this climb. It's a mountain. Kilimanjaro like. It's called life though. Been climbing for a long time. I'm not giving in to the self hate. All the forces working against me in this realm and the unseen, fuck off. I hate cursing, but fuck off for real.

Poem: people think I'm selfish and I care for no one else/ truth is I isolate because I'm trying to kill myself/ I just ain't built up the courage think I still love myself/ just a constant tug of war between I me and myself/ emotionally I crumble/ spiritually I fumble/ no lashing out at others/ I continue to stay humble

Second poem of self hate. Don't know why I decided to upload these now while I'm in my state of healing.. maybe it's the troubled me trying to fight for the spotlight even though I've entered a new and more positive phase in my life. I don't know. I'm doing better though. I guess it's just to give people an idea of how I felt and what I was going through. These phones were written while I was away in the mental hospital. Again, I'm not trying to glorify the suffering of Mental Health, I'm just simply displaying how I felt. Sometimes there's nothing greater then simply being understood when you were in a state of mind where you barely understood yourself, but you were trying to express how you felt in the best way you could. I just want to be understood. Like I said I think I'm on an upward hill of healing now and I hope it will remain that way; it's still surprises me to say this but I think if I remain taking the medication it will help me. I was a medication denier for years. Maybe it is helping me. But a part of me wants to say it's just placebo. But I don't really know I haven't been on the medication long enough but.. yeah I feel it's important for me to talk about all this because I don't often get to talk to anybody about it I only write in my journal my thoughts.. my deep thoughts. Sometimes my deep thoughts are overwhelming to other people and they lose interest quick but I have a lot to say. But yeah again I would like it to be known that I'm not glorifying the suffering bad mental health, it is simply how I used to feel as of 3 weeks ago. Prior to me being forced to stay in a mental hospital. Again thanks for listening for those who actually listen and who care it is highly appreciated.

I feel very alone in my way of thinking, at least with people I know. No one around me thinks like I do. I can hold deep conversation with others, but I always hit an intellectual wall with certain individuals as I also understand not everyone is well versed as I myself am not as well versed as others; as I also understand that humans are not all the same and have different levels of strengths, with many, varying interchangeably. Whether it be physically, intellectually, or (ambiguously) spiritually. However, It's just the small circle I do hangout with (mostly family, as I was always an outcast and had no friends that lasted up to today) doesn't think like I do (no disrespect to my family whatsoever as I love and care for them so much and my thinking is a conglomerate of their thoughts and feelings meshed with (mostly) my thoughts and feelings). I am not perfect, as no one is, but no one (in my circle) is a deep thinker like I am because they are scared of getting lost in thought. I've even had people say basically that they love their ignorance. Though I also know and respect that no two individuals are alike. But I also would agree that ignorance is blissful and very peaceful, as when you're ignorant you are happier than others as you have not so much of the world to worry your mind. Sort of like the mind of a child who hasn't fully discovered the world yet. A child who hasn't had much rigid world experience like your average child of today who's mind has had experience in nearly everything thanks to the internet and it's readily availability. Unlike a child that was pre-internet and fully protected by their parents and didn't have to grow up early like a child with an uneasy upbringing. Sort of like a child ( for example) who had to get a job early or (for example) a child who was forced to experience adult activity due to maybe irresponsible adults that were around them or (for example) a child experiencing irresponsible neighbors' unruly activities or (for example) a child growing up watching the news. Such things makes a child "more experienced" with life in a sense, but it also comprises the peace/ bliss which was essentially written into their DNA. Our DNA as humans. I think about these things often and when I try to talk to others about it, I hit an intellectual wall. Which ultimately leaves me feeling lonely. "Broaden your circle" they say. But many don't realize it's hard to find people who don't fall to the easy temptation of the ego; a big turn off for me which lives within all people, even in myself at times. Which makes me even unique and alone, as I recognize such a flaw in myself; ultimately making me my own worst enemy. With that, I may also consider my younger mind to have been compromised by worldly preoccupation; which I also believe contributes to my internal conflictions. My early morning thoughts.. Can't sleep

Life is b****** in a half shell I swear it is

So wanna post a song but I feel like someone's gonna steal it. Lol

Watch "Trust Nobody- Tupac" on YouTube

YouTube

Trust Nobody- Tupac

I hate this...but I agree because this is what's happened to me and how I feel. I feel alone I have NO friends. I trust no one because everyone's betrayed me. I guess it's a major human flaw like many other human flaws. It's a fair and real but terrible truth, that humans are not perfect. To be perfect and human just doesn't exist. To have to hold perfection would be a heavy burden. Even, whether you believe it or not, some of Jesus's closest friends (disciples) turned on him. We as a collective, us as humans, have been/can/ hopefully not but probably will/ be betrayed. Like I said this betrayal has been done to me by coworkers, friends from elementary and family (we don't forget the way people treat us). It's hard to recover from it. ESPECIALLY when you finally decide to open your heart again and it happens AGAIN. I forgive, but I cannot forget and that hurts even MORE. Not the forgiving, but it's the feeling of remembering and knowing I may not be able to open my heart up fully ever again is what hurts.