Deep Early Morning Thoughts - Tumblr Posts
I feel very alone in my way of thinking, at least with people I know. No one around me thinks like I do. I can hold deep conversation with others, but I always hit an intellectual wall with certain individuals as I also understand not everyone is well versed as I myself am not as well versed as others; as I also understand that humans are not all the same and have different levels of strengths, with many, varying interchangeably. Whether it be physically, intellectually, or (ambiguously) spiritually. However, It's just the small circle I do hangout with (mostly family, as I was always an outcast and had no friends that lasted up to today) doesn't think like I do (no disrespect to my family whatsoever as I love and care for them so much and my thinking is a conglomerate of their thoughts and feelings meshed with (mostly) my thoughts and feelings). I am not perfect, as no one is, but no one (in my circle) is a deep thinker like I am because they are scared of getting lost in thought. I've even had people say basically that they love their ignorance. Though I also know and respect that no two individuals are alike. But I also would agree that ignorance is blissful and very peaceful, as when you're ignorant you are happier than others as you have not so much of the world to worry your mind. Sort of like the mind of a child who hasn't fully discovered the world yet. A child who hasn't had much rigid world experience like your average child of today who's mind has had experience in nearly everything thanks to the internet and it's readily availability. Unlike a child that was pre-internet and fully protected by their parents and didn't have to grow up early like a child with an uneasy upbringing. Sort of like a child ( for example) who had to get a job early or (for example) a child who was forced to experience adult activity due to maybe irresponsible adults that were around them or (for example) a child experiencing irresponsible neighbors' unruly activities or (for example) a child growing up watching the news. Such things makes a child "more experienced" with life in a sense, but it also comprises the peace/ bliss which was essentially written into their DNA. Our DNA as humans. I think about these things often and when I try to talk to others about it, I hit an intellectual wall. Which ultimately leaves me feeling lonely. "Broaden your circle" they say. But many don't realize it's hard to find people who don't fall to the easy temptation of the ego; a big turn off for me which lives within all people, even in myself at times. Which makes me even unique and alone, as I recognize such a flaw in myself; ultimately making me my own worst enemy. With that, I may also consider my younger mind to have been compromised by worldly preoccupation; which I also believe contributes to my internal conflictions. My early morning thoughts.. Can't sleep
The medication is either strengthening or weakening something or somethings. It's a double edged sword with one edge being destructive and the other being constructive.
Anyone ever said anything to you, and you are so angry by the way that they said it like if a person annunciated the "a" in the word roaches and said it like "rōwăchiz" and in your mind you feel like they said it that way just to tick you off but it's actually just their accent or there dialect from a certain part of the country and I'm just a angry piece of s*** like my father. Hope I die in my sleep
Watch "Trust Nobody- Tupac" on YouTube
I hate this...but I agree because this is what's happened to me and how I feel. I feel alone I have NO friends. I trust no one because everyone's betrayed me. I guess it's a major human flaw like many other human flaws. It's a fair and real but terrible truth, that humans are not perfect. To be perfect and human just doesn't exist. To have to hold perfection would be a heavy burden. Even, whether you believe it or not, some of Jesus's closest friends (disciples) turned on him. We as a collective, us as humans, have been/can/ hopefully not but probably will/ be betrayed. Like I said this betrayal has been done to me by coworkers, friends from elementary and family (we don't forget the way people treat us). It's hard to recover from it. ESPECIALLY when you finally decide to open your heart again and it happens AGAIN. I forgive, but I cannot forget and that hurts even MORE. Not the forgiving, but it's the feeling of remembering and knowing I may not be able to open my heart up fully ever again is what hurts.
I'm trying this climb. It's a mountain. Kilimanjaro like. It's called life though. Been climbing for a long time. I'm not giving in to the self hate. All the forces working against me in this realm and the unseen, fuck off. I hate cursing, but fuck off for real.
Love is a lie. People only love you in the event that you can give them something.
I know of those that will disparage me in my demise.
Ever see jealousy in a person that you love?? It's a scary experience and realization of the fragility of the human heart. Even when the jealousy is subtle but still noticeable. It's screams loud! Like it is the worst site for me because I don't carry jealousy as strongly as others. We are all different and carry human weaknesses, but for me to see it in a family member, so much so, to the point it has you sitting and feeling perturbed and watching there helpless self raging at another person they claim to love???!!! Humans, WE ARE FRAGILE. In one way or another we are. But loving others is my true way. I just don't, of all I deal with, carry jealousy. It just does not exist in me anymore. As a child it did (in all of us I'm sure of it). But I don't know. We all fall short in many MANY different ways. I'm working on loving myself more. Most others lash out in person. We are all different. But I can't help thinking that if we all treated eachother the way we want to be treated, it would solve ALOT. But humans will NEVER adopt that very simple rule. I THINK, I DONT KNOW, but I think that's the MAIN reason we can't come to peace. I think if people loved people the way that they are, we wouldn't suffer as much as humans. I think that's why I am the way that I am. Ithink the people around me forced myself into myself to be a loner because I, something in me, sees that people are very VERY cruel. No matter how nice we are to them. Big human flaw, amongst many others.
WHAT IS LOVE IF GOD ISNT IN IT?
The heart is deceitful...Everybody wants the truth but can't handle it/ everybody tells lies and can't manage them...... our society suffers from a bad case of cognitive dissonance....people will stay claiming that they're really real but when the truth hit they deny it disregard it dont question it or dont know how to feel/ people will stay claiming that their love is really real but let's be real they dont even know how true love really feels/ LOVE HURTS!/ Or atleast what we think is love hurts... especially if it wasn't how you expected to experience it!/ It shows up uninvited and presents itself as serious! I THINK IT'S FIERY PASSION! ITS LUST THAT IS THE WOLF IN LOVES CLOTHING!..Im starting to learn that If God wasn't put first in it then it don't matter/ I've seen it myself relationships around me always got shattered/ or get a bit hasty/ start off good then end crazy/ although that depends on the type of bond but failure never ceases to amaze me/ with how love last nowadays my thought is, "Will it last??"....MAYBE/ I want relationships for people to workout but they never do/ Im fully convinced that love today is rare, a narrow point of view in the eyes of only few..a lack or an absence of Gods point of view/ took a painful fall from grace/ I made some misguided decisions and big mistakes/ finding out it wasn't love shook my world, a cat 7 earthquake/ through Godless endeavors/ I crippled my own feathers/ I flew straight into the devil's DECIETFUL stormy weather/a trap that I thought was love was my lifes biggest error. I didn't ask for this...The heart is deceitful.
"It's Lust that is the wolf in Loves clothing!"
Don't fall for the lies.
My situation is literally when someone knows or realizes too much... hyper awareness. Then when I try to shine light on certain things that certain people aren't aware of, it's like they cut me off or call me crazy; when I'm simply opening, or trying to open, their eyes about well known patterns and things in the world. They still choose to ignore it instead of realizing that truth and preparing. This isn't about "religion". This is however about factual things happening in our world and happening around us and happening to us that reflect in scripture that was written thousands of years ago. But the people who claim to love me ostracize me. They do not and will not listen. I don't go about preaching to them in a chastising way either. I simply inform them, or try to inform them, and they don't and won't listen; if anything they ignore me and label me crazy. That's what I meant by there is no real love here on Earth. It really isn't. Only God is the one that truly loves and listens and cares. God will never forsake or ostracize you. Only if you aren't faithful then will God have absence. God has the ability and power to truly forgive and forget your transgressions as long as you keep faithful.
I didn't understand what was happening to me for YEARS. I was self-harming and having thoughts that I hated and didn't agree with. I was having issues of loneliness of not wanting to be alone and yet, when people (or other kids when I was a kid) would try to invite themselves into my life, I would always push myself away. I never truly fit in ANYWHERE WITH ANYBODY. But I understand now that it's not because I'm better than anyone or anything like that, but I am chosen and what I mean by that is that I am the only deep thinker around me and not one else ever resonates with me. I say that in the least boastful way possible. I'm not here to boast. But it's something I just really notice, on top of the fact that no one can connect with what I'm going through, I'm single, no children, always been alone truly, always have been attacked spiritually; whether it was seeing things as a child or even as an adult, whether it was being forced to do sexual things when I was younger or whether it was my dad humiliating me or beating me, or whether it was constant bullying and being an outcast by cousins or school friends, whether it was my uncle who constantly got away with bullying or hurting me or whether it was having confused thoughts that I didn't understand. I FORGIVE ALL OF IT🙏. It hurt me, alot of it lead me to a crippling porn addiction, which lead me to turn against myself even more by suicide attempts cutting myself and in recent past years a major sudden, UNEXPECTED, drug addiction🤔😳. It still baffles me because anyone who knows me, drugs were NEVER and were always the furthest thing from anything I ever wanted to deal with. I feel like this all occurred because not only was I not in touch with God earlier on and consistently, but God was calling me and I never gave God the focus that I should have. I'm an only child and barely survived, a premature child. My mother and I almost passed away while she was in labor, She CANNOT have anymore children, I stayed sick as a child, my mother has had constant health issues ever since I was born. With all of this it can't be ignored. I survived alot of deadly suicide attempts. Someone, SOMETHING, wants me here alive for a purpose. I give that up to God. God kept me here and alive for a reason. I can't ignore that. There are many others like me that are HEAVILY tested. I'm not saying that I'm special or better than anyone else. But I do believe, along with MANY others, I am chosen. God bless, and just know, if you feel alone it's because God chose you to be alone and is preparing you. I'm here to listen as well. I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. I understand the greatly misunderstood. Feel free to talk to me if you feel no one in the world will listen. No matter what it is. God bless
Honestly it's just being around people truthfully. I just want to live alone and be alone, but I don't want to be alone. somewhere where the breeze is beautiful and the sun shines bright where grass is green and the air is clean where all I can hear is birds chirping and the rustling of the leaves in the trees. Where I feel like I'm loved and not judged. Where I'm not tested or tempted or hated. A place where I can breathe infinite breath and feel like I don't have to hold my breath. A place where love outshines all uncertainty and all malice and all void and all Darkness. A place where I can feel free. That's where I want to be, in a world where I know love(God) exists in its(His) purest form. In a world where no mind or Spirit can be corrupted. Where nothing but love and happiness thrives and peace exists. That's where I want to be. I find this peace in my mind every once in awhile, which is the only way that I can be able to express it how I am doing now. With a fully sober and aware mind I can feel what it's like to have true peace. I just want 100% of it all the time, not just in moments of deep thought. Like I said I'm cool right now, but I know this sort of Peace doesn't exist here on Earth. But I do know that there's a place where it does exist. I will survive and thrive.