Thaunknowndreadhead - Tumblr Posts
"through Godless endeavors/ I crippled my own feathers/ I flew straight into the devil's DECIETFUL stormy weather"
Imagine falling for someone unexpectedly and someone you didn't expect and being confused and being left with that feeling and there is nothing you can do but just deal with it painfully and cry because you're so confused. That's when it's time to fall in love with God and let God bring someone appropriate into your life. Or have nobody..just God. Emotions and the heart are..TERRIBLE. The heart lies emotions suck, they do. So it's time to just give it all to God, everything. The best way you can. Give it all to God because God loves us more than ANY human ever will. Humans are unforgiving and harsh.
If you haven't fallen in love with God first, then don't fall in love because there is no real love here on Earth.
~Thaunknowndreadhead~
My situation is literally when someone knows or realizes too much... hyper awareness. Then when I try to shine light on certain things that certain people aren't aware of, it's like they cut me off or call me crazy; when I'm simply opening, or trying to open, their eyes about well known patterns and things in the world. They still choose to ignore it instead of realizing that truth and preparing. This isn't about "religion". This is however about factual things happening in our world and happening around us and happening to us that reflect in scripture that was written thousands of years ago. But the people who claim to love me ostracize me. They do not and will not listen. I don't go about preaching to them in a chastising way either. I simply inform them, or try to inform them, and they don't and won't listen; if anything they ignore me and label me crazy. That's what I meant by there is no real love here on Earth. It really isn't. Only God is the one that truly loves and listens and cares. God will never forsake or ostracize you. Only if you aren't faithful then will God have absence. God has the ability and power to truly forgive and forget your transgressions as long as you keep faithful.
I didn't understand what was happening to me for YEARS. I was self-harming and having thoughts that I hated and didn't agree with. I was having issues of loneliness of not wanting to be alone and yet, when people (or other kids when I was a kid) would try to invite themselves into my life, I would always push myself away. I never truly fit in ANYWHERE WITH ANYBODY. But I understand now that it's not because I'm better than anyone or anything like that, but I am chosen and what I mean by that is that I am the only deep thinker around me and not one else ever resonates with me. I say that in the least boastful way possible. I'm not here to boast. But it's something I just really notice, on top of the fact that no one can connect with what I'm going through, I'm single, no children, always been alone truly, always have been attacked spiritually; whether it was seeing things as a child or even as an adult, whether it was being forced to do sexual things when I was younger or whether it was my dad humiliating me or beating me, or whether it was constant bullying and being an outcast by cousins or school friends, whether it was my uncle who constantly got away with bullying or hurting me or whether it was having confused thoughts that I didn't understand. I FORGIVE ALL OF IT🙏. It hurt me, alot of it lead me to a crippling porn addiction, which lead me to turn against myself even more by suicide attempts cutting myself and in recent past years a major sudden, UNEXPECTED, drug addiction🤔😳. It still baffles me because anyone who knows me, drugs were NEVER and were always the furthest thing from anything I ever wanted to deal with. I feel like this all occurred because not only was I not in touch with God earlier on and consistently, but God was calling me and I never gave God the focus that I should have. I'm an only child and barely survived, a premature child. My mother and I almost passed away while she was in labor, She CANNOT have anymore children, I stayed sick as a child, my mother has had constant health issues ever since I was born. With all of this it can't be ignored. I survived alot of deadly suicide attempts. Someone, SOMETHING, wants me here alive for a purpose. I give that up to God. God kept me here and alive for a reason. I can't ignore that. There are many others like me that are HEAVILY tested. I'm not saying that I'm special or better than anyone else. But I do believe, along with MANY others, I am chosen. God bless, and just know, if you feel alone it's because God chose you to be alone and is preparing you. I'm here to listen as well. I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. I understand the greatly misunderstood. Feel free to talk to me if you feel no one in the world will listen. No matter what it is. God bless
People will judge you and make you feel bad about how you turned out. Even if they've been through what you've been through and even if they haven't, they still haven't seen what you've seen. The fact that they don't empathize with you is simply because no one will love and understand you like God does. People, no matter who they are, can claim all day that they love you but you know it doesn't feel like love. You dont know what it feels like, but you know it doesn't feel legitimate. They don't understand, they don't relate or resonate and they WON'T. It is simply because they don't have the love that God has for you. You are not alone, no matter how the world treats you or casts you out or "cancels" you or ignores you. God is not casting you out God is not "canceling" you, and God is not ignoring you. God loves you and that is truly what matters. All you need is to understand that God is the only one that truly cares. Everyone else sees you and holds you to your past or how you look or how you dress. But God sees that you are a loving passionate caring person. No one else but God will see that. No one else but God needs to see that. No one else but God can see that. You matter, so don't give up. No matter what you've been through or done, repent and know that God won't hold you to your past. It is written in Isaiah 43:25, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”
God loves you and it is important to show that love back by changing and leaving certain things alone. My new saying is, "If it doesn't serve God, it doesn't serve me. Just know that you are loved. God bless.
I think back at the skinny narrow brace face kid with the mini afro that I used to be..and I am just glad that that kid didn't take his life away. Keep going no matter how hard it gets. Even if suicide feels like the answer. It never is. It seems like it in those moments, I cannot deny that. You may hate yourself you may be hopeless or scared or ashamed or feel worthless, but give God time to work on you. To Him you are not worthless. He can and will change you. Please don't give up. Find peace in His word and about Jesus in Mark Matthew Luke and John in the Bible. God bless
If anyone feels in danger of hurting themselves call 1-800-273-8255 suicide hot line or ↓↓↓
Honestly it's just being around people truthfully. I just want to live alone and be alone, but I don't want to be alone. somewhere where the breeze is beautiful and the sun shines bright where grass is green and the air is clean where all I can hear is birds chirping and the rustling of the leaves in the trees. Where I feel like I'm loved and not judged. Where I'm not tested or tempted or hated. A place where I can breathe infinite breath and feel like I don't have to hold my breath. A place where love outshines all uncertainty and all malice and all void and all Darkness. A place where I can feel free. That's where I want to be, in a world where I know love(God) exists in its(His) purest form. In a world where no mind or Spirit can be corrupted. Where nothing but love and happiness thrives and peace exists. That's where I want to be. I find this peace in my mind every once in awhile, which is the only way that I can be able to express it how I am doing now. With a fully sober and aware mind I can feel what it's like to have true peace. I just want 100% of it all the time, not just in moments of deep thought. Like I said I'm cool right now, but I know this sort of Peace doesn't exist here on Earth. But I do know that there's a place where it does exist. I will survive and thrive.
Some people realize that they are screwed up (me) so they stay away from people because they love them so much. Makes sense to me, not so much to most...I'm working on things and while I do so i don't want to ruin others....so I keep my brokenness away from others...like I said I'm working on myself and I really miss my life and the way things were but...life has gotten dark in ways that I cannot believe. Things have been dark ..but God is the light in my life and He is leading me..no matter how much crap satan throws at me
Im an empath and I don't do crowds, too many different energies and its just plain too loud. People rude just because never following the golden rule to life but looking for the answer like "what is love?". People wild, thats why I stay away in hopes that the distance will create healing for a union on a later day. But some wounds dont heal properly, it leave a scar for life we bent but not broken......probably
Kindness is like gold from God. Its a treasure thats hard to find amongst the dirt and dust but indeed does exist. Whether found or given, it brings a joy like no other.🙏
Overthinking exists on a scale that equates it as a curse and a blessing. Which can lead to unmitigated mental madness. But the latter, if the madness doesn't crush the individual, leads to powerful discernment; a blessing which increases with time.
Jesus has fought too hard for me to live and I have fought too hard for me to live. Stress equals death and I WILL NOT condone death in my life while I'm trying to live. PERIOD. In Jesus name AMEN.
Me: (painfully crying while alone on my day of birth)
My mind: Chill out bro. God is with you
Me: (painfully crying while rocking back and forth to comfort myself from the darkest of memories while alone in my apartment)
My mind: Jesus said time will heal all wounds
Me: I don't know if I will ever heal. Life's been a lonely rollercoaster of highs with very LOW downs and whiplashing turns. Healing seems far off even impossible. (Scary intrusive thoughts of my past selfharm, seemingly from nowhere suddenly)
My mind: Satan is trying to get the best of you on a day that you are supposed to be celebrating the life that He gave you.
Me: (feeling guilty for being ungrateful of life and for past thoughts of the same likeness ie: "life is unfair" "I was dealt an ugly hand in this game of life" "I should have died years ago" "I died years ago" "You could have saved your grandfather's life" "Your a failure" "YOUR A WEIRDO" "You don't deserve friends or life or family" " you don't deserve happiness"...[just a few, the list of thoughts are endless].
My mind: those thoughts are from Satan who seeks to steal kill and destroy. Don't give him that sort of power over your mind. You are loved whether you believe it or not.
Me: not true. I don't feel loved...possibly because in a way I don't love myself.
My mind: psalm 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths."
Me: .......😑🥲😌
My mind: relax..God is a loving God and loves you. You are are here for a reason you're just not sure why yet. You're not alone. You made it to see another birthday when many times you almost didn't...relax. You are loved and blessed even if you dont think or believe so.
Me: I believe so. It's just often times I don't feel so because the way life turned out. The dark moments of confusion self hate selfharm suicideattempts or depression.
My mind: Those tribulations are only in place to make you lean more on God's word. They are dark feelings, thoughts, moments and situations ; but God's Word is a SWORD and the Word cuts through all of the lies that the world tries to throw in our faces. Don't believe the lies. You are loved whether you believe it or not. Your demise would hurt others, particularly if you hurt yourself like your grandfather did to himself. You loved and still love him dont you? Well how do you think it would make others feel if you were to take yourself away from here? It would hurt them; no matter how much you feel you "deserve to die"..you don't deserve to die. You are loved. Don't believe the hype of satan. He's approached you in many forms and has made you lose battles you never thought you'd lose. But you haven't lost the war. God is in charge. This may be satans terrain, but this is ultimately God's DOMAIN. You are loved. Try your best not to forget that. You love heavy, your heart is big, and when that big heart hurts it hearts bad; but it's ok. You are meant to love the way you do. Satan may have you confused about love and who does or doesn't love you, or who does or doesn't care about you. But one thing that is certain is that God loves you still whether you believe it or not.
I just wanna find peace. Amen
(Original work written/performed by Thaunknowndreadhead)
...recorded on a mashed potato😆...I needed that laugh. Practicing a song I wrote. I just wanna find peace. Stuff has been..better, praise be to God..but things have been😮💨..it's ok though. God will see us through the darkness. Whether we, or I, believe it or not.
And can't lie it's hard as heck not to fold, like for real. Life can be ugly, and I mean very ugly. But I feel like a higher power has it this way for a reason🤔even though it's super hard to comprehend as to why. I mean I've had life smack me in the face in some evil and dark ways. I've tried to play right and honestly it's just lead to loneliness. Isolating because of certain circumstances/ trust issues, overworking just to not be homeless again and I walked in on something I never thought I'd see. I promise my life has been ugly, there have been moments of beauty and peace and thank God for the comic relief in this life of horror, but the bad is ugly and it hurts for real. But I feel like God chooses certain people who He feels is strong enough to deal with this world's nonsense. When the world attacks us or our mind or the people we love how do we flip it to love and help others. Maybe that's why life is this way maybe it's about ministering to others. But I'm not always so certain. But God is good.
Writing, creating, praying
My major 3 ways to help me heal from turmoil and depression.
Whatever it takes and I mean whatever it takes, don't give up on life. In the darkest moments cry out to the Lord for peace and healing. Don't isolate too much thats what satan wants, dont give him the pleasure. God bless🙏🙏🙏
Love is hard to grasp for those who don't carry it in their heart. Revenge doesn't exist in a heart of discernment and love.