Ive Always Had The Felling Id Be A Good Dragon Master.
I’ve always had the felling I’d be a good dragon master.
More Posts from The89thangel
Dilemma
Another story with “Petit Monsieur”.
Last Saturday morning we planned to visit a museum and have launch together that same evening. He´d go first to a class of skateboarding and we´d meet again latter.
It was a good plan. I had time to do some chores and other stuffs. Evening came and he texted me saying there was a change of plans: his friends invited him to have lunch and skate some more. So, we´d see latter, maybe until night. Plans got canceled.
Here is where the problem (my problem?) started. Generally, I don´t know how to react at first when plans changes, probably disappointment or discouragement comes first, but I immediately start to rationalize my feelings (overthink, you know). Pride and ego also play a role: “If this is your decision, a decision you made by yourself without consulting me, if this is what you want, it´s fine, I´m not going to beg you, I´m not going to show this makes me sad. You´re missing it”.
I know, this might sound extreme, and this is why I try to control my feelings. In that moment I just replied that I hoped he´d have fun and we could plan something for that night when he´d come back.
Was it extreme? Am I immature? Am I throwing a tantrum? Am I right and I´m the victim of this careless and ruthless guy? I move like a pendulum from sufferer to toxic guy. And I still don´t know how to react: either try to forget this incident and move on or complain.
In the meantime, my pride and anxiety are still there: I´ll do my own plans and have fun by myself. I´ll go out, I´ll go for a stroll and try to distract myself (perhaps a cigarette might help). I get tired of too much thinking.
This helps, but it doesn´t solve the dilemma. Petit Monsieur called me, and we met that night. I asked him how his day was, I told him what I ended up doing (walk around some bookstores). Finally, I expressed how his decision made me feel (calmly and a bit of sadness on my voice). He didn´t realize how all this made me feel, so he hugged me and promised me a candy (<3).
I think I always knew what to do since the beginning, but this huge wave of feelings (anxiety included), plus the overthinking, makes always hard for me to handle this kind of situations. I cannot control what I feel, but I can control how I react on those situations.
Love letter
This is part of the letter I wrote: "May the day come when all our fears and insecurities become so small we barely notice them and we can gaze into eachother eyes."
