Plus rien n'a de sens, plus rien ne va. Tout est chaos à côté.
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The89thangel - I Am No Angel - Tumblr Blog
Looking through the window at the Mississippi river. Baton Rouge August 2024
It´s one of those things: it´s good when you do it by yourself, it´s better when you go with someone, and it´s the merriest when is with Petit Monsieur.
With a single meow kitty got what she wanted, this lady scaped reality for a moment and I found myself smiling :)
Hipnos has gotten so good at playing TFT he wins first place eyes closed.
Dilemma
Another story with “Petit Monsieur”.
Last Saturday morning we planned to visit a museum and have launch together that same evening. He´d go first to a class of skateboarding and we´d meet again latter.
It was a good plan. I had time to do some chores and other stuffs. Evening came and he texted me saying there was a change of plans: his friends invited him to have lunch and skate some more. So, we´d see latter, maybe until night. Plans got canceled.
Here is where the problem (my problem?) started. Generally, I don´t know how to react at first when plans changes, probably disappointment or discouragement comes first, but I immediately start to rationalize my feelings (overthink, you know). Pride and ego also play a role: “If this is your decision, a decision you made by yourself without consulting me, if this is what you want, it´s fine, I´m not going to beg you, I´m not going to show this makes me sad. You´re missing it”.
I know, this might sound extreme, and this is why I try to control my feelings. In that moment I just replied that I hoped he´d have fun and we could plan something for that night when he´d come back.
Was it extreme? Am I immature? Am I throwing a tantrum? Am I right and I´m the victim of this careless and ruthless guy? I move like a pendulum from sufferer to toxic guy. And I still don´t know how to react: either try to forget this incident and move on or complain.
In the meantime, my pride and anxiety are still there: I´ll do my own plans and have fun by myself. I´ll go out, I´ll go for a stroll and try to distract myself (perhaps a cigarette might help). I get tired of too much thinking.
This helps, but it doesn´t solve the dilemma. Petit Monsieur called me, and we met that night. I asked him how his day was, I told him what I ended up doing (walk around some bookstores). Finally, I expressed how his decision made me feel (calmly and a bit of sadness on my voice). He didn´t realize how all this made me feel, so he hugged me and promised me a candy (<3).
I think I always knew what to do since the beginning, but this huge wave of feelings (anxiety included), plus the overthinking, makes always hard for me to handle this kind of situations. I cannot control what I feel, but I can control how I react on those situations.
Hobbies. August 2024
Do you pray?
I pray. I pray almost every night before falling asleep. It might be because of a custom. My grandma was a very religious woman (Christian), she educated my sister and me when we were children. We studied the bible daily, we prayed before lunch, and we went to congregation meetings twice a week. So, I get used to pray.
I´m not a religious person (indoctrination stopped when I grew up and I was able to choose for myself), I really don´t practice any religion, and I´m not sure if I believe in God. But praying is one of those things I keep doing.
Of course I have analyzed why I keep praying (overthinking, again). My theory up to now is that I pray as a way of meditation (was it not the origin of praying?), I use it to organize my thought, my desires and dreams. As a mean to examine what bothers me, my struggles, my concerns. For sure, I pray to ask for favors or in case of necessity. Although I still can´t figure out whom I pray to: my grandma´s God? The Ether? My own God? I guess I pray to whomever wants to listen… and hopefully wants to help as well.
In memory of Matilde Magdaleno, who showed me the bright and dark side of faith.
Love letter
This is part of the letter I wrote: "May the day come when all our fears and insecurities become so small we barely notice them and we can gaze into eachother eyes."
One year
So there´s this guy… You can say he´s my boyfriend, but that sounds a bit odd to me, so let´s call him “Petit Monsieur”.
A couple of days ago we celebrated one year of relationship, and I gave him a present: a book. I had been planning this gift for months. I found this book one day in June while I was wandering in a book shop with some friends. It was there, in the new release section. “Forbidden Plants” was the title and I immediately thought of him (who am I kidding? I´m always thinking of him <3) because he loves plants, and I knew it was a perfect gift.
Next, it was the book dedication. I wanted to say “I love you” but it sounded too plain. So, I took my time (I still had several weeks) to think on a better text... and I did, or at least I think I did. I ended with a letter rather than a few lines. I liked it, and I thought he would too. I wrote it in the first page of the book. I added a black origami kitten (I love cats).
The day came, and I gave him the book. I always overthink so I imagined hundred of different scenarios: what would I say, how he would react to the present, what he would say about the letter, kisses, words of love…
Of course, things didn´t happened as I would imagine, but it was pretty good. I was surprised he remembered the anniversary was near (he didn´t remember the exact day, but that’s how he is). The book didn´t impressed him that much, but he browsed the book and find the pictures and poems interesting. He skipped the first page, so I had to mention the letter… he said he would read it latter, alone. He didn´t know how he would react or that was the reason he gave me. It was OK, I guess.
It´s been four days since I gave him the book, I don´t know if he already read the letter, and if he did, what he thinks of it. Of course, I already overthought another hundred different scenarios: he didn´t like it, he thinks I´m pathetic, that I have poor writing skills, I made him cringe, or maybe he really loved it and doesn´t know how to react… Anyway, I guess waiting is the only thing I can do by now, right?
Introduction letter
I´ve always been afraid of showing myself: showing my appearance, showing my thoughts, showing my feelings… It´s always been a safe place for me to remain in the anonymity (not exactly hiding in the shadows, though). Over time, I´ve realized this might have multiple reasons: I´m an introvert, I´m a very shy and anxious person, this way I can avoid feeling ashamed and to be judged. This last not because I misbehave (…all the time :P), but mostly because I´m very insecure (I know I have a lot of defects, that there is a lot of things I don´t know; I don´t need people to make it explicit all the time).
I´m starting this blog as an exercise for me to record the things that I like, my desires, my dreams, my fear, the thoughts that cross my mind often or rarely (but that certainly represent the way I perceive the world) … in general to use it as a diary.
Why here where literally anyone with internet can access this blog and get to know me? Well, this is part of the test (game?). I´ll try to show only pieces of me, of my life that either might or might not be interconnected. Nevertheless, I promise myself to always write and post the truth or at least my most sincere thoughts. Let´s see how it goes… hopefully no one will get to read this.
Let me give a first clue: I´m not a native English speaker (it was not obvious yet? :P).
I hope this blog brings entertainment and certain joy. May this journey enrich the way I perceive myself and help me to build a better me.
To be continued… M.