Petit Monsieur - Tumblr Posts

One year

So there´s this guy… You can say he´s my boyfriend, but that sounds a bit odd to me, so let´s call him “Petit Monsieur”.

A couple of days ago we celebrated one year of relationship, and I gave him a present: a book. I had been planning this gift for months. I found this book one day in June while I was wandering in a book shop with some friends. It was there, in the new release section. “Forbidden Plants” was the title and I immediately thought of him (who am I kidding? I´m always thinking of him <3) because he loves plants, and I knew it was a perfect gift.

Next, it was the book dedication. I wanted to say “I love you” but it sounded too plain. So, I took my time (I still had several weeks) to think on a better text... and I did, or at least I think I did. I ended with a letter rather than a few lines. I liked it, and I thought he would too. I wrote it in the first page of the book. I added a black origami kitten (I love cats).

The day came, and I gave him the book. I always overthink so I imagined hundred of different scenarios: what would I say, how he would react to the present, what he would say about the letter, kisses, words of love…

Of course, things didn´t happened as I would imagine, but it was pretty good. I was surprised he remembered the anniversary was near (he didn´t remember the exact day, but that’s how he is). The book didn´t impressed him that much, but he browsed the book and find the pictures and poems interesting. He skipped the first page, so I had to mention the letter… he said he would read it latter, alone. He didn´t know how he would react or that was the reason he gave me. It was OK, I guess.

It´s been four days since I gave him the book, I don´t know if he already read the letter, and if he did, what he thinks of it. Of course, I already overthought another hundred different scenarios: he didn´t like it, he thinks I´m pathetic, that I have poor writing skills, I made him cringe, or maybe he really loved it and doesn´t know how to react… Anyway, I guess waiting is the only thing I can do by now, right?

Dilemma

Another story with “Petit Monsieur”.

Last Saturday morning we planned to visit a museum and have launch together that same evening. He´d go first to a class of skateboarding and we´d meet again latter.

It was a good plan. I had time to do some chores and other stuffs. Evening came and he texted me saying there was a change of plans: his friends invited him to have lunch and skate some more. So, we´d see latter, maybe until night. Plans got canceled.

Here is where the problem (my problem?) started. Generally, I don´t know how to react at first when plans changes, probably disappointment or discouragement comes first, but I immediately start to rationalize my feelings (overthink, you know).  Pride and ego also play a role: “If this is your decision, a decision you made by yourself without consulting me, if this is what you want, it´s fine, I´m not going to beg you, I´m not going to show this makes me sad. You´re missing it”.

I know, this might sound extreme, and this is why I try to control my feelings. In that moment I just replied that I hoped he´d have fun and we could plan something for that night when he´d come back.

Was it extreme? Am I immature? Am I throwing a tantrum? Am I right and I´m the victim of this careless and ruthless guy? I move like a pendulum from sufferer to toxic guy. And I still don´t know how to react: either try to forget this incident and move on or complain.

In the meantime, my pride and anxiety are still there: I´ll do my own plans and have fun by myself. I´ll go out, I´ll go for a stroll and try to distract myself (perhaps a cigarette might help). I get tired of too much thinking.

This helps, but it doesn´t solve the dilemma. Petit Monsieur called me, and we met that night. I asked him how his day was, I told him what I ended up doing (walk around some bookstores). Finally, I expressed how his decision made me feel (calmly and a bit of sadness on my voice). He didn´t realize how all this made me feel, so he hugged me and promised me a candy (<3).

I think I always knew what to do since the beginning, but this huge wave of feelings (anxiety included), plus the overthinking, makes always hard for me to handle this kind of situations. I cannot control what I feel, but I can control how I react on those situations.

It´s one of those things: it´s good when you do it by yourself, it´s better when you go with someone, and it´s the merriest when is with Petit Monsieur.

Petit Monsieur and I went to this piano concert to hear John Kofi Dapaah.

I like piano music, but I love to hear it next to him <3. September 2024.

Tu me manques. Est-ce que je te manque aussi?

Is he talking to me or just replying?

Among all the things I´m always overthinking one frequent question is whether Petit Monsieur ever thinks of me; if he really misses me (he said he would); if he often talks about us, about the relation he has with me. Or if it´s completely the opposite: he detaches and forgets everyone and everything he left at home; he´s focused on meeting new people; he avoids talking about himself in an attempt to experience his surroundings as pure as possible.

Yes, I know… all this sound extremely complicated and intricate (almost like taken out of a mystery novel :P). This is what overthink feels like. So, I ended up trying to comfort myself thinking it´s something in the middle: of course, he sometimes thinks on me, but he´s also focused trying to take the most of his trip.

But I need proves, I know I cannot rely on my thoughts, lol. Generally, I´m the one that text him first and share memes with him, so I wonder (yeah overthinking!) if he is actually texting me or just responding. Then the phrase on the image above pops up on my Tumblr´s feed, what kind of sign is this?

I wanted to validate this idea, and I stopped texting him.  It´s been two days and he hasn´t written me anything. Well, it´s not that much time, right? But if he has time to post on Instagram and chat on this dating app (another big issue for me), he should have time to send me a message, shouldn’t he?

I´m a very proud man (I don´t say this with proud lol), it´s not a virtue but it helps me quite often. I´m determined to wait until he reaches out to me, I won´t do it before. If he doesn´t right now, I´m sure he´ll miss me. I´m one of a kind… I know, but I need something to hold on to.

Des cartes de tarot

As you probably noticed, last week I had this (small?) crisis. Overthinking and the lack of an external assurance were the perfect combination for my anxiety to rise, and Anxiety brings headache, stomach problems and dizziness.

We´re not even at the half of this phase and I couldn´t stand it anymore, I needed something to help me take control of the situation and make this process bearable. So, I took the most mature, logic and reasonable decision I could: get a tarot reading, lol.

I never had one reading before, I´m not sure either I believe in those things, but I was desperate for a sign to guide me and control the overthinking, to confirm whether all was fine, or I should have started to prepare for the worst.

I contacted this guy and had the remote session confirmed for the next morning (I was really in a hurry to minimize this crisis). The tarot reader was a nice, friendly man. We started the session with me asking the questions I want to consult.

I started with some general questions about money and health, I didn’t want to look to desperate about my heart issues, hahaha. When Petit Monsieur came to the conversation, I tried to ask my questions about the near future (one year from now): Will we be together after he come back from his trip?  Is this relation going anywhere? Is he sure he wants to be with me? Will we accomplish all the plans we have made?

I didn´t get the happily ever after I wanted to hear, but I got confirmation of some things I already knew like that this trip is something he needed to clarify his mind. Of course, that I´m not the only or most important thing he´s struggling with (I needed to hear that: I´m not the center of the universe). But most importantly, that there will be US after his trip, that things will be very slow, and I must be patient, and this pace would make the bonding stronger at the end.

I know I shouldn´t rely my hopes and mental health on something so ambiguous. That I need to talk with him and clarify our feelings together. But while he returns, and I grab some courage to do so, this palliative has helped me to reduce the anxiety.