Sometimes We Tend To Do Things Either Knowingly Or Unknowingly Whether We Want To Or Not. The Mind Is

“Sometimes we tend to do things either knowingly or unknowingly whether we want to or not. The mind is funny like that.”

“One way or another we have to face them, and deal with the aftermath after it’s all said and done,” She added. All of this is a lot to take in for her, but it’s important for him. So she doesn’t react or say anything. Even though she also shared her experiences, at the end of this conversation she was going to take a nap.  A long one at that.

But she does tilt her head in question. “Yeah, I guess you could if you want. Depends on how comfortable you are about it. But either way I’ll be happy to listen. What is it?”

Whatever it may be she honestly hopes it isn’t as heavy as what she’s had to hear.

She kept running until she tripped over a dead trunk. Her speed and the sudden tripping forced her body to slam to the ground. It knocked the wind out of her lungs and her heart felt like it stopped. It hurt, really bad. She looked back and saw no one at the moment, but that scared her. She knew Michael was silent, and there was the chance he could pop at any moment. Provided she knew where he was at the moment. Providing she even knew where she was as well.

She struggled to get back up, but it was hard having the heart pumping at the speed of light and a lack of air in the lungs.  She gripped at dead branches desperate to pull herself back up as the fear still continued to take her mind over.  

It was only until she started to take deep breaths did she slowly start to calm down, steadily crawling, continuing to try and cover as much as she could, with the rock in her hand. Calmer now she can stand up, wondering if JD was faring better than she did right now, aside from the wounds.

Part of her does feel bad, for being here and not there trying to help any more than stopping blood flow and evacuating those people in the diner.

She keeps her eyes on the road, but even at night with her scars covered in all that makeup and her eye hidden by a contact lens, it’s starting to become difficult to keep a clear focus. 

But she keeps driving even if they zoomed past the cops. They had more pressing matters over at the dinner, that focusing on them would be a waste of time. Sometimes she inspects JD, making sure that he doesn’t pass out. She peers over from her shoulder checking on Jason. 

She doesn’t know how to worry for herself, and cannot stop worrying for the two with her now. She hasn’t been able to do so in a while even with her. Part of her is hopeful she’ll learn to one day. But the other part of her feels so stuck in in this habit of hers. But she’s hopeful.

Eventually in the dead of the dark night, they eventually made it to a hospital. Pulling up to the parking lot, she stops the truck. Unbuckling her seat belt, she walks around the front of the truck, preparing to help take him to the ER, despite feeling so drained and exhausted herself.

Her eyes shifted in surprise and realization, so overwhelming that tears start to flow unknowingly. Part of her is in denial, that there was no way this man standing before her was the same little boy she knew only for a brief time. But those eyes were so blue, vibrant with clarity. The same ones that caused her to care for someone other than herself for the first time were here before her now.

Such eyes she could never forget until the day she died, for they were the only ones of their kind.

Overwhelmed by her emotions, she has no words for him. Only one action. A sudden shift of movement, she wraps her arms around him. She pulled him into a close embrace. Equating into a gentle but overjoyed greeting between two lost souls, this is all she can do to make up for her loss of words.

Thread:: Reclaiming A Monster’s Lost Treasure

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The buried feeling reminded her of Jean. How much she loved her, but always keeping that hidden, even to a point of disguising those feelings in the form of providing the support to not only her squadron, but to others that weren’t even related to her missions. All for her, never for herself. She’ll never see her smile, or her vibrant red hair. Never telling her how strong she was, or how kind she was.

All that time she never told her how she felt. And now she’s dead and now Shima’s forever burdened with them. 

“Even though it may seem easier, it’s not. Take it from someone who constantly helped someone so different from her, that it was only because she had feelings for them. But she never told them because not only was she scared, that person ended up dying without ever knowing. It eats you up and kills you slowly until there’s nothing left.”

“Do you ever think that what happened at the Hammer of Dawn was a culmination of that?”

She’s told him about Jean but never to an extent like this, and this whole venture as the Magpie is part-culmination, part-determination to never let this happen to anyone else

“But I think instead of letting it eat you up, you decided that was enough, and you told someone like me. Doing this now and telling me, is a  good step if anything. To have had enough of hiding it.”

“With my experiences, I don’t know how to fix anything. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fix it. At least not by yourself,” She offers, reaching out to place a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.