FFXIV Writes 2023 - Day 2 - Bark

FFXIV Writes 2023 - Day 2 - Bark

Spoilers for the start of Shadowbringers and some minion flavor text. This is set before my canon WoL fantasias himself into a Viera, so he's a Hyur for this.

Gods, there are so damned many of them. Xander thought, horror coiling like a freezing-cold serpent around his gut.

Ahead of him, the mysterious Crystal Exarch (who'd momentarily earned his trust, if not yet discharged his suspicion) charged forward, driving conjured sword and shield deep into a feathered cocoon before it could hatch to birth a new monstrosity. Selene flew close behind the Exarch, tethering herself to his aether to keep his wounds from getting too severe. Wind tore a few stray hairs from Xander's well-kept bun as Lyna, the captain of the Crystarium Guard, dashed past him with chakrams in hand to tear apart what looked like it might once have been a Gremlin limb from limb before its taunting could dampen her lord's resolve.

"Are you all right back here?"

Alisaie's voice startled him momentarily from his contemplation as she skidded into place next to him, having backflipped out of the way of the former bull, now Sin Eater that broke through the fence before them. She wiped the sweat from her brow and readied her rapier before looking to him once more for an answer.

"So far, yes. My shielding spells haven't broken, and it looks like the Exarch is well on his feet, thanks to his more measured pace. If it'd been Celeste leading the vanguard, she'd have charged through every single foe and dragged them behind her to reach that thing we fought back in the clearing."

"I heard that, you arse!" his one adventurer ally mired in the First with him snarled back from the fields over the fence, her sword dripping with Darkness as she tore yet another newborn Sin Eater apart.

As his eyes swept over both the road (his immediate battlefield) and the fields beyond, now laden with Sin Eater cocoons instead of sheep and livestock, a small tendril of anxiety crawled up Xander's spine. All these sheep and no shepherd. Did he manage to escape, or...?

His unease only grew as a familiar sound carried over the chittering noises of their foes and the distant crackle of flames and echoes of screams ahead. Sharp, repetitive, high-pitched, and utterly terrified barks cut through the din.

There's a dog near here, but where-?

He got his answer a moment later, azure eyes widening in dawning horror as he saw the horse-human-winged abomination that most people became when turned into these monstrosities hovering before a dog about the height of his knees. A black dog with white brindle markings and a red collar around its neck that snarled and snapped and barked at the uncaring creature before them.

Xander received cries of alarm from his companions when he vaulted the fence to enter the fields, but he paid them no heed. The dog. He had to protect the dog from becoming one of those monstrosities. He threw a shielding spell around the both of them, clutching both book and animal to his chest as he knelt over it, feeling the Sin Eater's claws rake at his back. Enough to rend his shield and his clothes, but not his skin.

He held the glyphs for his most powerful offensive spell using arcanima in his mind's eye, holding his hand away from both himself and the now-squirming dog as fiery aether coalesced around it. When the spell was done charging, he twisted up to face his foe and blasted it right in the face with broiling hot aether that forced it to withdraw, covering its eyes. That made it an easy target for both Lyna's charkrams and Alisaie's magic, dissipating its essence into nothing.

The dog in his arms no longer squirmed, but poked their head over his shoulder, barking and whining right in his ear and pawing against his back as if reaching for the retreating form of their attacker.

In that moment, Xander reached a terrible understanding: That eater must have been the dog's former master. The poor thing must have thought they were playing at first, then gotten scared and confused when something that smelled like their master but didn't act like them emerged from that feathery cocoon.

"That was decidedly reckless! Are you all right?"

The Exarch's voice broke through Xander's thoughts, forcing him to stand, carrying the surprisingly hefty dog with him. All things considered, the furry one tolerated being carried rather well, in sharp contrast to when he first found his dog Gestahl wandering the streets of Ishgard on the Source.

Clambering over the fence without the aid of his arms took longer than Xander would have liked, given the emergent nature of the situation, but he managed, and soon reunited with the others on the main road.

"That's a black hayate." Lyna noted, a hint of awe coloring her voice. "I've only ever seen them in books that a few refugees from the eastern lands managed to bring with them. One of them must have taken up residence here in Holminster Switch and used it as a guard dog."

Alisaie's face twisted in sympathy. "Oh, then that Eater we just killed must have been its master, the poor thing..."

Xander sighed, rubbing the dog's incredibly fluffy back. "I thought so too. Obviously, I can't just carry our new friend with us, but I worry that if I let them go, they'll just get themselves into trouble again..."

He looked behind him to discover that Alphinaud and Celeste had gathered on the road to see what was going on. Alphinaud's Carbuncle sniffed the air as Xander leaned down to hand the dog off to the smaller elezen. "Can you hold him and look after him while the rest of us take care of the threats on the road?"

Alphinaud stammered, but did not complain as he took hold of the dog. "I- well, of course, if that's what you want, but how am I supposed to heal those in need of succor if my hands aren't-?"

The tell-tale swish of aether around someone who'd just taken hold of a different Job Stone filled the air, and where once Celeste stood in armor torn from the chassis of Omega with forged moonlight greatsword in hand, now an icy tree branch chilled the air around her, layers of flowing white and red cloth draping across her tall and slender form. "I've been getting back into practice with white magic, love, leave the healing to me. You just focus on keeping our four-legged friend here well in-hand."

Celeste scratched one of the Black Hayate's ears, and it let out another bark, this time of happiness. The sound made Xander let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't realized he was holding. There would be time enough to get to know the dog and enjoy their company back at the Crystarium. For now, he had to get back on the road.

He gave the dog one last scratch beneath the collar before returning at last to the vanguard, sprinting to keep up with them as they made up for lost time and charged for what once might have been the main planting area for the farm. An area over which a suspiciously and horrifyingly familiar shadow now loomed, wings beating erratically as it descended.

Alisaie's dull "So this is where you went..." confirmed his worst suspicions: They'd have to put down Tesleen to advance any further. Xander set his mouth in a grim line and pulled his codex from his hip, readying himself for what would surely prove a trying battle.

it's been said before and i'm sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making "i'm going to kill myself" jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.

anytime something goes wrong, say things like "ah well at least i'm beautiful and charming and everyone loves me." when you forget something, try "my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn't even understand." when you're frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you're in My Immortal. "Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did."

just... try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.

i know it's tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like ... i was kind of "making light" of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.

when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that's what makes it so fucking funny.

but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we'd both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i've heard of you.

i was 19. i hadn't noticed i'd been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it's incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they're okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?

most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don't want to make anything worse. they don't want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they're scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it's not because they don't love you. it's because they do.

now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn't my brain saying you're a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.

and the thing is - what's kind of funny - is that you'd be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i'm too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you're the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don't know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become... the love they want to give you.

go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you.

FFXIV Write 2023 - Day 6 - Ring

Shadowbringers spoilers, set post-6.2, and GSM questline references. Tooth-rottingly sweet.

When Serendipity called M'hana on her linkpearl, she knew it was an order of the utmost importance. When she got handed a sealed letter that supposedly contained instructions or inspirational material for the piece- an engagement ring, the pink-haired young woman had told her with a wistful, somewhat envious sigh- she knew that the client was going to be a stickler for the details.

And then she opened the letter and found Thancred's familiar scrawl staring back at her. She skimmed over the letter, then looked back at her guildmaster. "And yer sure I should be the one on this project?"

Serendipity shrugged. "The man came in person, and he was insistent that I put this project in the hands of only the finest artisan in the guild. That's you, still! I know you're proud of your students, but they haven't quite surpassed you just yet."

"Huh... Well, if ye say so, then I'll take on the project. He wanted it done by next week, ye?"

Serendipity nodded. "Yeah, he did. I know that's a major rush for something this intricate, but you can handle it, right?"

At this, the Sun Seeker couldn't help a cocky smirk spreading across her face. "That's why I'm the best, y'know. I'll make sure I've got it done and hand-deliver it meself when he comes to pick it up."

Serendipity leapt in place as she celebrated the commission. "Thank you! Oh, you really are the best, I'm so glad I can count on you even with all your other obligations."

As the aether warped around M'hana to carry her towards her residence in the Goblet, she had to stifle a laugh. Honestly, did Than forget that I'm a part of the Goldsmith's Guild? Did he not know I'm their top artisan? I could have sworn I told him both of those things... But then again, he's mentally had about five years out from home and I probably told him before he got whisked over to the First, so...

Dwelling overmuch on how much time Thancred had stolen from him by their third-newest ally, G'raha Tia, made her want to punch him in the shoulder, so she put that thought from her mind as she opened Thancred's instructions to peruse in greater detail. He'd found drawings of several wedding rings intended for royalty and the like and folded them neatly in with his instructions for the look of the ring. Something that seemed to swirl with nascent magical potential, but something cheery and whimsical and fun, almost fae-like in nature.

That sentimental bastard. She thought, rolling her eyes with a good-natured chuckle. Of course he'd want to propose with a ring that encapsulated all of me. Well, ye know what? Two can play at that game.

And so, she set aside her beloved's ever-so-detailed instructions and grabbed a piece of paper to draw her own concept for the ring.

If she just took his idea and masculinized it, she'd have a fantastic engagement ring to give to Xander for Urianger- Whenever they managed to get back on the same boat again, because dammit, they're a great match even if they don't see it right now. she thought, tail swishing in mild annoyance- but not one fit for Thancred.

Something the color of gunmetal seemed like the best fit for the base of the ring. A silver-black tone reminiscent of the parts of a gunblade. Maybe some gold detailing along the sides? Diamonds or small chunks of aetheryte crystal were the most common for wedding rings to allow the beloveds to move to one another's side at any time, but given Thancred's inability to travel with ordinary aetherytes, that seemed gauche.

Although... A diamond could work if I carve it in the right shape and make it a sort of smooth, large square shape. Mm, he'll probably have to take the damn thing off anyway if he's going into hostile territory, but still.

Her thoughts circled this same drain for hours before she finally settled on a design with which she felt satisfied. Then, after scouring her current resources for materials- and calling in a favor with her dear friend Iori to mine some ore for her- she set to work.

It took every single moment of that week to complete her 'commission' for Thancred. Now, she just had to present it to the man. She stood to the side, her jaunty Goldsmithing hat pulled down over her face to conceal her identity as Thancred breezed into the Guild to pick up his order.

"Got it for ye right here, Than!" she called, crossing the guild to his side when she heard him ask for the order at the counter.

Thancred blinked several times in rapid succession as confusion, then bafflement, then realization, then amusement crossed his face. "I- Well. Gods, now don't I look a fool? Placing an order for the best artisan in the guild when- that's right, you did tell me you did Goldsmithing work. Gods, I can't believe I- Well. I suppose the coeurl's out of the bag with the question I wanted to ask, then."

M'hana shrugged. "Ye, it kind of is, but don't worry. I still intend to make good on my delivery. And I've a question for ye as well."

She took a knee before Thancred, whipping the black box containing her altered vision for the ring out from her pocket and clicking it open. "Thancred Waters, will ye make an honest woman out o' this mess of a miqo'te?"

It wasn't often that Thancred got struck speechless, but he spent several long moments in silence, studying the details of the ring. "Gods, you didn't have to- did you seriously go through all the trouble of designing this especially for me?"

M'hana beamed. "Seemed only fair, since ye went all out on yer plans for my ring. And ye still haven't answered me question. People are startin' to gather 'round, like."

Thancred fanned himself in that endearing way he did when all the attention of the room suddenly focused in on him to diffuse the tension. His eyes crinkled in amusement as he said, "Doubt anything I could do would ever make an 'honest' woman of you, kitten, but to answer your question... Yes. I will. If you'll have this grizzled old gunbreaker in return."

M'hana leaped up from the ground and wrapped her arms tight around Thancred, standing on tiptoe to kiss him while the patrons and artisans in the guild around them clapped. She tousled his hair as she pulled back with a breathy giggle of, "Yer not that grizzled or old yet. But I'm sure I'll see ye get there. Now, what say we lose this crowd and find ourselves somewhere a bit cozier to celebrate our engagement?"

Thancred grinned wolfishly in reply. "I know just the way to slip away."

And with a breath, both rogues seemed to vanish before a confused and delighted crowd.

D&D has become so much more fun since it clicked for me that I'm not the character, I'm the writer in charge of the character

FFXIV Writes Day 4 - "Off the Hook"

End of ARR spoilers, messy friendship dynamics, and relational drama.

Finding himself at the epicenter of a dwindling circle of friends was, unfortunately, not a new experience for Xander. He'd been through it many times before, especially before the Calamity, before he had the courage to live as his true self. The names and faces of those old friends had faded into the fog of memory, but the hurt their abandonment and betrayal seared into his heart remained. Remained and flared as he watched Iori stalk off in the middle of the night, proclaiming that he would focus on the true threats the star was facing- the primals- rather than allow himself to become distracted by petty geopolitical maneuvering.

Xander couldn't help but take offense at the auri man's description of the Crystal Braves. Yes, the organization was in its infancy and needed a lot of refining, but the idea was born of pure intentions and was not simple, petty politics. It wasn't, Alphinaud had grander ambitions than that.

Celeste's abrupt departure just after the conclusion of NOAH's investigation into the Crystal Tower hurt even more. When Iori left, Xander had been expecting it- he'd never seen eye-to-eye with the man. But Celeste, his ally, his confidante...

All the elezen left behind was a note.

"I think it's best if I go my own way for a while. Be able to help more people that way. Sorry. -C"

No direct words of confrontation, no litany of reasons why she left. Just an apology and silence. Now, M'hana was the only one left at his side as things in the wider world kept worsening. Rumors of dragons swarming the skies above Ishgard filtered to the Scions, prompting action.

Yet, they still had moments to breathe, moments of levity. Which is why, within the crystalline wastelands Mor Dhona had become, he and his miqo'te companion had set up camp beneath the stars.

After assisting the locals with some rampaging hippogryphs, Xander wandered back towards their campsite with weary step and heavy breath. The only thing that gave him some pause was the familiar sunny chattering with which M'hana filled the air. That she was talking to someone via linkpearl was obvious, but who...?

"...Oh come on, he's really not that bad."

Xander lurched behind a convenient crystal to keep himself out of sight, his heart dropping in an icy pit to the depths of his stomach. He didn't want to assume, and yet he couldn't help the inescapable suspicion coiling around his gut that she was talking about him behind his back.

A suspicion confirmed moments later when M'hana continued, oblivious to her eavesdropper, "No, seriously, Xan is fine. I get why ye left Elly, I really do, I know he was sort of shoving ye out of yer main 'thing' for the group. And- okie, I'll admit yer right, he can be a bit of an arrogant prick just like the Leveilleur boy can, but it's not that bad hanging out with him."

His heart squeezed, an old, familiar dread settling into the marrow of his bones. Dread, followed swiftly by seething resentment. So, Celeste answers HER linkpearl calls but refuses to answer MINE. And M'hana stays in touch with her behind my back, likely PRESUMING that I wasn't like to take it well if I found out...

"..and to be honest, Celeste? I feel kind of bad for the man."

Thump.

"I mean it's pretty obvious he never had many friends growing up."

Thu-thump.

"And it cannae be easy for him right now, handling all this shite on his own. I sort of pity him, y'know?"

Dread and festering resentment seared into rage. Xander's veins and eyes both felt ablaze as that ever-familiar word, 'pity', dropped once more from the lips of someone he trusted more than any other. Pity, sympathy, oh-don't-you-just-feel-so-bad-for-them, look-I'm-a-good-person-for-befriending-them. That's what it was. That's what it always was, never that they valued him, never that they enjoyed his company, oh no. It was always pity and usefulness that drove them.

His fists clenched at his side, his teeth grinding as he tried his damnedest to keep treacherous tears from falling down his cheeks. He stalked over to their shared campfire, M'hana's blithe and cheerful wave only stoking the fires of his fury.

"So. So. You pity me, huh? Is that why you stayed?"

The Sun Seeker's smile shrank by several molars. "...ye were listening in on the linkpearl call, then?"

"Answer the question."

She rubbed the back of her neck, tousling silver hairs at her nape. "I mean, no? Kinda? Not really? Look, it's sort of complicated-"

"Do. Not. Lie. To. Me."

M'hana shrank back as he stepped towards her, brows furrowing in a pained expression as she replied, "I wasn't! I'm not. I- fuck's sake, Xan, I didnae mean it like that-"

And there it was again. The same gormless, spineless excuse. Xander could practically feel the venom in his words as he spat, "Oh, I'm so sorry to have misinterpreted you, then. Pray, tell me then, how exactly did you mean it when you told Celeste you 'felt bad for me'? That you 'pitied me'?"

M'hana worked her mouth wordlessly for several moments before settling into a defeated pout.

"What's the matter? Coeurl got your tongue, Hana? Or are you just scared to admit the truth?"

She sighed, her expression uncharacteristically serious as she rose from her seated position and set about gathering her things.

"Oh. Oh, so you're just going to leave too? Too much of a coward to even bother answering me? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, coming from the woman who hid behind the mask of her dead husband for moons and ran away when the world needed her most after the Calamity."

M'hana's body tensed, and Xander felt a lash of regret strike against his heart for those unspeakably cruel words as soon as they left his mouth. He recoiled, expecting for her to lash out in return, to shout with all the fire and fury he deserved for such a comment.

Instead, she kept her voice level. Annoyingly serene. "Look. I tried to give ye more of a chance than the others did, all right? But ye've clearly got some stuff that needs sorting out in yer insides, and ye know what? I'm comin' to realize it en't my job to help ye with it. I'm lettin' meself off the hook. Best of luck with the Braves, Xan. Ye and Alphie are gonna need it."

And before he could say anything else, the aether around her warped to whisk her away, leaving him alone by the campfire.

"...You're 'letting yourself off the hook' from helping me?" Xander murmured, incredulous for a moment before his voice rose to an echoing scream. One that he knew had no chance of ever reaching its intended target. "Well that's FINE! I never needed you! ANY of you! Filthy, parasitical leeches, the lot of you, riding the coattails of the Warrior of Light until he was no longer of use to you! That's just fine, I'm letting all of you off the hook from ever dealing with me again! I don't need you! I don't need ANYONE!"

His last scream echoed for what had to be malms for a moment before he collapsed to his knees, burying his face in his hands and letting out the sobs he'd been holding in. Bravely as he proclaimed it, with as much cruel certainty as he spoke those words, Xander knew himself for a liar.

He couldn't do this alone. He couldn't. Not when a confrontation with the Father of Dragons laid ahead of him. And so, when he'd finally managed to wrangle his emotions back under control and obtained a fitful night's sleep, he made a quick call in to the Scions for some adventurer backup. He would need the assistance to scale the wreckage of the Agrius. He could only hope that they would prove competent enough to handle the threats before them.

It just kills me when writers create franchises where like 95% of the speaking roles are male, then get morally offended that all of the popular ships are gay. It’s like, what did they expect?