Liam Breaking Out The Caleb Voice To Answer The Mind Condom Question Has Given Me The Hilarious Headcannon

Liam breaking out the Caleb voice to answer the mind condom question has given me the hilarious headcannon that when adventurers in Exandria have questions about magic, they are randomly answered by Caleb.

Orym grabs his rope, leaps into the air, and commands the rope to tangle in the Slug Mother’s stinger.

He lands and drops the other end of the rope into the spinning drill!

BITCH GETS PULLED INTO THE MACHINERY

Let’s fucking go Orym!

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

Elden Ring Spoilers(Idea for an AU)

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Man what I would give for an AU where every time the Tarnished gets a Great Rune the boss just acts like the Ranni Doll and just starts talking to the Tarnished whenever. Like the comedy of just beating Godrick’s ass then activating his Rune then sitting down and hearing some insecurely delivered old english lines which equate to basically “YOU FUCKER I’M STILL BETTER THAN YOU, BdhajsjDJDJFUCK YOU” and just dealing with that until you get another rune like Rykard’s and Godrick just immediately shuts up about Grafting, like seriously just imagine like

Right after the Rykard fight

Godrick: Ah, a fellow Shardbearer! How are yo-

Rykard, in the most ridiculous snake voice: I shall become one with all, and I shall overthrow the GODS

Godrick, realizing how much that sounds like Grafting:……..Oh fuck did I sound like that?

Then Radahn joins and it’s just Godrick being scared because remember: Godrick literally hid in his castle like a bitch to avoid fighting Radahn. Also Radahn just being like

Radahn: So…. How’d turning into a snake go for ya, Ryke?

Rykard: …This is why Mother didn’t love you Radahn

And then it just GOES FROM THERE

Then Morgott and Mohg join and it’s just turns into Family Time with these fuckers with them ribbing on their nephew a bunch and the Tarnished just has to listen in, then Malenia joins and it’s just a clown car full of these fuckers with one(1) singular brain cell in the form of her which completely goes away in one sentence

Radahn:…. So does running to the other side of the continent not count as defeat in your books orrrr.

And just CHAOS from there.

Then there’s Godrick freaking out when he sees Godfrey is still alive and nerding the fuck out, Morgott and Mohg watching their father mourn for one of them, realizing that he actually did love them, Radahn turning into a WWE fan when Godfrey becomes Hoarah Loux. and all 3 sides of the family(Radagon+Rennala/Marika+Radagon/Godfrey+Marika) all realizing that they all had at least one parent in common when Marika literally turns into Radagon, all of them freaking out when their parent turns into a GODDAMN ELDRITCH BEAST WHICH WIELDS A FLESH SWORD… and then all of them just debating which ending to pick when the Tarnished just gets married to Ranni lol