Food Isnt The Answer, Food Is The Question And The Answer Is No

food isnt the answer, food is the question and the answer is „no”

everyone talks about getting skinny with an ed but nobody talks about how much easier it is to get your life together, your room being cleaner, skin being clearer, and life just overall being better

like rn im just reorganising my room and then going on the treadmill and doing silly little workouts?!? life is soo much better

too fat for it to become a problem

(I AM NOT PROMOTING EATING DISORDERS)

When the fat girl loses weight, it’s a success story. Everyone suddenly starts acknowledging her, and suddenly she exists. She finally fits in the society, the constant pats on her back, the congratulatory messages, “girl, you have lost weight, very good, you should continue”, she feels happy, maybe after a very long time she’s satisfied with herself, BUT, it is not enough, it is never enough. She is obsessed, she counts every calorie and she has this pink diary in which she writes everything down, she has written the rude comments made by people earlier, she remembers how she used to get body shamed and she makes sure to never forget them, so she writes each and everything down. She wants thigh gaps and collar bones and she wants to count each and every rib, that’s utopia for her. Everyone sees how much weight she has lost and how pretty she has become, but they never look beyond that. Cause, she’s too fat for it to become a problem. No one sees how she stands on the weight machine, cursing at herself cause, she needs to lose more. No one sees how she shivers, no one notices her dark circles and pale complexion, no one really sees that she is losing a lot of weight in very less time.(22kgs?) NO ONE KNOWS THAT SHE HIDES HER FOOD, THROWS THE FOOD AWAY AND COMPLETELY STARVES HERSELF, NO ONE BLOODY KNOWS THAT SHE HASN’T EATEN A SINGLE CALORIE FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS. No one thinks that she is sick, CAUSE SHE IS TOO FAT FOR IT TO BECOME A PROBLEM. She wants to shout and cry for help but she won’t, cause NOT EATING gives her something to be proud about, a purpose, she feels good when she is hungry, her stomach asking for food cause it’s too empty, so she places her cold hands on her tummy and ‘shh’ she says! She knows that whatever she is doing is not right, but she refuses to believe it, cause she’s fat and she can never have a problem, right? She knows that she might die doing this, but at least she will die thin! It’s not like she avoids food, the thing is, she avoids eating. After all this, it’s under control, isn’t it? She can be all skin and bones, but the fat girl is thin, that’s all that matters, right? (This is MY personal experience, fuck haters)

ed-things nobody talks about

(some things I experienced when my ed was really bad when I was 16-17. It’s not all fun and it’s not like the cute thinspo-posts you see here everyday)

hiding food in your pockets, shoes, socks… while eating with others

forgetting that you were hiding the food in these places (oh the smell)

friends, family … finding the food you were hiding

trowing away the food someone you loved gave you

making people cry and constantly worry about you

being upset when people give you the bigger portion (do they think you eat that much????)

being upset when people give you the smaller portion (do they think you are fat and that you should eat less????)

drinking to much water before a doctors weight in so you feel like you are peeing your pants

the pain after the laxatives kick in

being afraid to put chapstick on (because you know, it’s made out of fat lol)

not going out with frieds, because there is food everywhere (you will regret it later, because everyone went clubbing and now that you are healthy they are not into that anymore, aka missing out your youth)

freezing when people around you wear a bikini

not being able to get pregnant, although you recovered

heartproblems, although recovered

struggling with hormone-production, although you recovered

having bad teeth, although you recovered

having problems with your bones, although you recovered

having problems with your nails and hair, although recovered

the need to take medication your whole life because of a few years of having an ed

loosing your sexdrive

being afraid to fall asleep and never wake up again

not being able to stop, even if you want to

Edit: I didn’t want to make you guys feel bad about using chapsticks. I thought it was obvious that, unless your eat your chapstick, you don’t consume calories by using it. Calories need to enter your mouth, not just sit on your lip. Your skin just absorbs the moisture, you can’t gain weight by putting calories on your skin. Me thinking that was a thing and so many of you now thinking that’s a thing should make you think about how absurd this illness is. You are here to live and experience this earth. You are not on this planet to worry about calories absorbing your body through your skin.

A quote that has stayed in my mind since I saw it went like-

“You already know what it tastes like, so why’s it so hard to not eat it?”

Really helps me 🤭

maintaining feels like gaining :/