Walked Outside Without Noise Cancelling Headphones Today And What A Wild Sensory Experience That Was

Walked outside without noise cancelling headphones today and what a wild sensory experience that was

This is gonna be a vent/traumadump/emotiondump post because I don’t have a therapist and I have a bit too many feelings to not share with someone right now and for the majority of my 21 years of existance that someone has been the internet so scroll away if you don’t give a shit about my personal issues. This is in no way a coherent post either this is literally just dumping thoughts into words.

When people talk or write or make art about loneliness, it’s so often about romantic relationships and having a life partner that’s your person. I have my person. I’ve had my person for 9 years and I’m infinitely grateful for my person. But one person is never, ever going to be enough to fulfill someone’s every emotional need. That’s literally why I think mono people should actively seek out other close interpersonal relationships and why I’m personally poly.

Let’s take a little look back at the shit before the read more on this lovely post. Hmm. How exactly does someone end up spilling their guts on the internet to strangers instead of reaching out to a friend repeatedly for years?

I’ve built myself a life where people rely on me, I don’t rely on them, and it is a fucking amazing feeling to not be depending on anyone. But it’s also really, really lonely.

Like, I rationally know that I have a lot of people in my life who would listen and support me if I went out to seek help, but everyone expects me to handle myself because I’ve always handled myself before. And anyway, I wouldn’t feel good going to them for help because they have enough on their plate without me bothering. And on top of all that, it’s not exactly that anything’s wrong. If something was wrong, I would fix it, and be fine.

I want someone who actually wants to spend time with me and talk to me and makes an active effort to do so. I’m so fucking tired of always having to be the one to initiate conversation or organize a meetup. Even when someone else gets the ball rolling, it’s always me setting a time and a place and making sure everyone’s invited and available. It’s a fucking exhausting way to socialize.

And it’s not like I don’t get along with people. I’m prickly and a large personality and ruffle some feathers but that also means I find my people in any group really well and can make myself important (in all the wrong ways) really well. I’ve fallen into far too many volunteer jobs because people trust me and respect me and appreciate me as someone who get’s shit done. But that’s very much who I am in any social context. Just the person who get’s shit done so everyone else can have their fun.

No one: …

Absolutely no one: …

Me (reading fanfiction): umm actually, that’s a set of combinations and not a chemise, I will now need to entirely reorient what happened in what I was reading

Tbf I, too, bring up any and all trauma I’ve gone through at the slightest inconveniance.

nobody:

nothing at all:

edwin payne: i spent SeVeNtY yEaRs in HeLL

I want a boyfriend so bad :((((((((

oscar wilde in the afterlife watching n*tflix turn dorian and basil into siblings: