*spoilers For One Day*

*spoilers for One Day*

For people saying ‘it’s tragic, Dex and Em only got 3 years together’ no. They got 15 years together.

Glossing over the span of their life together to sum it up as ‘only 3 years together’ misses all the love and time they had together that wasn’t solely romantic.

Why is their relationship only ‘important’ or ‘counts’ when it’s a romantic one? Maybe there was always romantic love buried in there or growing steadily but there was a whole lot of platonic love there too.

For 15 years they were the most important person in the world to one another, they described each other as their ‘best friend’ and the person they reached out to at every high and low moment. And for the last 3 of those years they were also a couple.

There are loads of examples of Dex reaching out to Em when he’s at his lowest: the last birthday with his mum, then he’s reeling from his divorce, when he’s scared people will hate him on TV. And you *could* read that as pathetic and Em being his emotional crutch, with Dex latching into her. But you could *also* see that as when you’re struggling and low, you just want your best friend. Because they *get* you. And part of being a best friend is being there in those low moments.

And Em has done the same with Dex, just in different ways. That first year out of uni Em had no idea what she was doing; in a job she couldn’t wait to leave, a relationship that didn’t make her happy, not sure where she was going in life or what she was doing. Em writes to Dex often, and doesn’t need him to reply to her, just to read her letters and be *her* emotional crutch and person to vent to.

Even at that breakup-dinner, Em has things she ‘needs to talk about’ and she’s reached out to Dex to do it. We don’t see her discussing it with Tilly, we see her trying to talk about it with Dex. She’s at arguably her lowest moment (hates her job, hates her partner, hates her home) and she wants her best friend to listen to her. Just like he did when she was 24 and thinking about giving up and leaving London, and Dex convinced her to stay and keep going.

So they are emotional crutches *to one another*. That’s also part of being someone’s best friend.

And for all the low moments Dex also wanted to share his best moments with her too: when he’s excited about the TV pilot he calls Em to say ‘the only person I want to share this with is you’, and begs Em to find a way to be there. Yes this is also him dismissing and ignoring her achievements, yes this is self absorbed and rude and at the height of his egomania, but in that moment of triumph he only wants his best friend there with him.

When they see one another again at Tilly’s wedding Em is brave and self assured when she reveals she’s ‘thought of you every day, missed you every day’, and that even though they are friends again now the fact that Dex will have a wife and child ‘feels a bit like loosing you all over again. Because people with families have different priorities…’ That’s how close they were before.

The sentiment that ‘we grew up together’ is really true, for the both of them. They were very different people throughout their lives, and if they had tried to be a romantic couple earlier there is no guarantee that version of them would have lasted the course.

Would Emma have stayed with a peak-of-his-tv-fame Dex, partying and living life ‘to the full’? Or would they have explosively ended and decided they were too different for one another for it to ever work?

Would Dex have even tried for a career in TV or a full year of travelling if he’d become a couple with Emma after Uni? Or would he have done something else but grown resentful of what-could-have-been?

If they had sorted out their issues and apologised after their fight and Em had left Ian, would Em have found the strength to turn rock bottom into a spring board and finally write her book? Would she have even hit that bottom at all? Or would the hook have remained a pipe dream while she continued as a teacher, happy with Dex but professionally unfulfilled?

We will never know what could have been, and that doesn’t necessarily make those alternatives the ‘better’ option that they ‘missed out on’.

Maybe they would only ever have had 3 years together as a couple and getting it in their mid 30’s the way they did was their most mature and peaceful version.

So yes at times their relationship feels like it’s moving toward the inevitable conclusion of a romantic partnership. But the time before they get there wasn’t wasted or unimportant or unnecessary. And they were always together.

Just finished The Fall of the House of Usher and wow I have thoughts.

……….

Verna is fascinating!

My interpretation (I have read literally NO Poe so sorry if this is obvious) if that Verna is a personification/demon/something for Choices and Decisions.

When she first meets the Ushers she offers them a choice: here is a possible outcome of the decisions you’ve already made, which might well happen on its own, but would you like to *ensure* that it happens? What would you choose to give up to get what you want? I don’t think she’s *creating* this outcome (as it’s literally what Madeline said would happen while they bricked the CEO into the wall) but she’s saying she can make sure certain possible outcomes are the only ones that happen.

Death and killing might be part of her powers but at least in the case of the Ushers she’s only killing the children because the deal was none of them survive Roderick.

I think her deal with Madeline and Roderick is a mix of be careful what you wish for as you’ll get it in unexpected ways, and exposing their own hypocritical choices. The Ushers believe they are entitled to the company due to their father, that it is their legacy, that if he had only acknowledged them and planned for them to continue the company in their name they would have everything they deserve. But in order to get that legacy, they have to behave in the exact same manner their father did, and think only of themselves while not plan to leave anything for their children.

Verna even offers choices to the other people we see her interact with.

For Perry she reminds him he could choose to stop recoding people, choose not to peruse his brothers wife, choose to end the party. It’s not too late. Even at that party when she tells Morelle to ‘leave now’ it is still a choice, one Morelle doesn’t take which leads to its own consequences. And in the run up to the party we’re shown so many moments when Perry could have chosen differently and the outcome would have been different: having the party at all, inviting Morelle (he turns away and then back to offer her a ticket), Napoleon saying he’s better than this and doesn’t need to become a drug pusher, the building not having water and so choosing to use the assumed water on the roof… right up to the last moment when he chooses to give the signal for the sprinklers to go on.

And her conversation with Perry Verna almost admits it: the series of decisions which lead to him, some small ones, a big one, and then another smaller on and now here he is. Choices he wasn’t involved in have led to him being there that night. And she loves bad boys because they always make all the wrong choices.

For Camille she refuses entry to the lab multiple times and offers her the choice to turn around and go home: it won’t change her fate as she’ll die either way, but if she goes home she’ll die in her sleep instead of being torn apart. She doesn’t *need* to see everything with her own eyes, she already has the proof. But Camille chooses to revel in her sisters shame, to twist the knife, and so she dies painfully.

And Napoleon is told the cat he wants to buy isn’t for sale and to choose to go back home to his boyfriend (and likely confess his actions) but he pushes through with his money and demands that he should get what he wants. He even has a moment within his confrontation with the cat when he thinks this might be a drugged hallucination, but instead of stopping or calling his boyfriend he continues to destroy their home.

Victorine also gets choices: the file of perfect patient data is handed to her but she doesn’t have to call Verna back about the human trial. Verna asks at multiple points if this procedure is safe, if the surgeon has agreed, even if her patient data is safe in this clinic. And Victorine chooses to lie at every opportunity, chooses to sacrifice this woman’s life in the pursuit of her dream. And so she is haunted by her lies, driving her to a more gruesome death than necessary.

For Tammy Verna shows her how to make better choices from their first meeting: we only saw one other sex worker play out the fantasy scene pretending to be Tammy but their interactions with Bill were surface level. When Verna appears as Candy she plays fake-Tammy as caring about Bill, showing Real-Tammy how she could be a better partner from the get go. Verna compliments his cooking, says she’d been craving his ‘famous chicken Alfredo’, asks about his work earnestly and listens to his replies. Even later, when she is Tammys hallucination double, she keeps showing Tammy how she could choose differently: Bill would probably set your fight aside considering another sibling has died, you could call him? Bill would probably be concerned about your health, you could apologise? And after her breakdown Verna pretends to answer Bills call (which Tammy had thrown across the room) and apologises to him for how he’d been treated. The whole time Verna is telling Tammy ‘it’s not too late, you could choose to be kind, you could choose to make yourself happy’: like Camille it wont stop her inevitable death but it could have been easier. And again she didn’t have to die in this manner, she could have gone in her sleep but her chosen treatment of Bill and her own guilt over her decisions has been keeping her awake.

For Frederick, Verna even admits that she has chosen his manner of death *due* to the choices he made: he would have died in his car from a heart attack but he chose to take his wife home, chose to torture her, ‘chose to pick up the pliers’ and so here are the consequences of his decisions.

For Lenore, the only innocent in the whole family, Verna wants her to know that her *choice* to give a statement, her choice to break with her family and get her mother out, will have lasting consequences. That Lenore’s decision will have changed the world.

That Verna’s power focuses on choices is further emphasised with her knowledge of ‘what people would have been’ as I think that’s an expansion upon what different choices would have led to. Of people had chosen differently then this is what they would have become.

And in Verna’s interactions with Pym all of the moments she references are ones where choices are made: the choice to leave a man in the desert, to abandon a guide in the snow, to assault a woman in the arctic. Moments when a choice or decision was made.

So I think she is a bargainer, or demon of decisions, and while she isn’t inherently evil she has her own morality as seen when she chooses deaths which are painful or peaceful, depending on a persons actions.

And really the message of the whole show is choices and their consequences.

The women of this show give me life.

Woman? Is that meant to insult me? I would return the slap, if I took you for a man.

This is for the dirt stained beauty queen sleepers made of resilience and dollar store glitter. ~

~ ….the girls applying eye shadow in the reflections of the storefront windows, unfazed by every person who walks past and dares to roll their eyes. there is something holy about girls so dedicated to melody that they give up their basic needs for it. ~

~…holding hands with one another, screaming the words to a song that saved their life or makes them happy or maybe just reminds them of how beautiful it is to be alive….~

~ … how absolutely wonderful it is to sing in a crowd that knows every key change by heart. the girls that have only ever been a part of something bigger than themselves. ~

~…the girls that wave pride flags and kiss their partners and hand out hair ties like they’re compliments.~

~the girls that trade water with strangers, lips to lips to lips, trusting that everyone here is safe because they are, they have to be, how else would they have gotten through the door?~

~this is for the girls who look discomfort in the face until it backs away in shame.~

- ODE FOR THE GIRLS THAT CAMP OUT FOR CONCERTS. - Caitlin Conlon

Argh the hypocrisy, misogyny and wilful misunderstanding around women as fans is so infuriating!

Matt Rife wants to ‘assure’ people that he doesn’t ‘cater to women’ in his new comedy special. If so that is a fucking *stupid* decision.

Because if you’re an artist then a largely female fan base is a great marker for success.

Some of the most successful global artists right now? Taylor Swift. BTS (and K-pop to a greater extent). Harry Styles. Beyoncé.

The majority of their fanbase? Female.

IMPORTANT: I’m NOT saying men don’t love/support/consume these artists, or that they shouldn’t. Huge numbers of men love and support these artists, and they should continue to do so. I’m stating that the majority of these fanbases are made up of women.

And women show up for you as an artist, on every metric which currently tracks ‘success’. They stream your songs/interviews/skits; they buy your album/record/dvd; they fight over tickets and pay astronomical fees to see you live; they tune into your award shows/guest stars; they watch your movies/documentaries; they post about you and your activities; and they go to bat for you in arenas you aren’t even aware of.

The colleague at work who heard a BTS song on the radio? Oh yeah, it can be intimidating if you don’t know who they are, here let me help you understand more and show you their best attributes and why you might like to learn more.

The family member who doesn’t ‘get’ why this singer is all over their TV? No worries, let me explain their songs and why they resonate, how they connect with their fans and why they’re incredibly talented.

And when ‘real’ artists are brought up to compare them against, not only do they pick an artist who’s peak years were decades ago, they try to rewrite history.

‘Yeah they might be successful but they’re not the Beatles!’ Okay so you see the Beatles as legitimate, successful, global artists with talent. Shall we look at Beatle Mania? A huge part of their success was the women who supported them, who bought their records, showed up to their performances, who funded their financial success and drove their pop culture relevance.

‘Yes they’re a good singer but they’re not Elvis!’. Oh are you referring to ‘The Hips’ who’s gyrating style of dancing ‘drove women wild’? Who’s success in music meant he was *able* to make movies and tour the country. The women who consumed his music, came to his shows, followed his personal life in the news, who watched his movies - they’re the ones who financed his life. Guys wanted to be Elvis, to dress like him, because women loved him.

Why is having a majority female audience seen to delegitimise you as an artist? When they are the ones who got you to where you are now, why are they suddenly not good enough?

Dexter is a cautionary tale of the need to accept discomfort as a part of life, with Emma as his contrast and aspirational example.

Throughout the show Emma embodies determination and self assurance. The only reason she thinks she can change the world is.. because why couldn’t she? In contrast Dexter has no idea what he wants and kind of resents having to even think about it, hence his jumping between careers and looking for purpose for the whole show.

While Em knows what she wants emotionally (the satisfaction or having made a difference, the achievement of doing what she always wanted) but isn’t sure on the specifics of what that will look like (I’ll write plays, no write poetry, no I’ll teach, okay no I’ll write a book), Dexter knows the specifics (I’ll be rich and famous) but doesn’t know what he wants emotionally (‘what will that look like?’ ‘I don’t know’).

While Dex is always running from uncomfortable feelings Em faces then head on and comes out the other side, able to learn from them.

As Dex is travelling to put off making long term decisions, Em has taken the first opportunity to do what she wants: writing, be it books, poems or in this instance plays.

On holiday Dex can’t allow himself to admit that he fancy’s Em and to leave it at that, he has to run from the honesty and vulnerability of that moment by adding on ‘but I pretty much fancy everyone’. In doing this you could argue that he looses his chance with her for several years, where as Emma’s confidence could have resulted in them getting together much sooner.

Dex misses his mothers last birthday because he doesn’t want to face reality. Instead of reacting to the fear and anger and pain of her diagnosis by spending every moment he can with her, or sitting down to have heart to heart talks with her, or helping her out in any meaningful way Dex runs away and numbs himself with substances, and is passed out for the little time he is in her presence.

When he’s nervous people won’t (or already don’t) like him on TV he again turns to substances to numb his feelings, and (instead of taking Em’s advice to ignore them) looks for reassurance from hangers on who don’t actually know him that well. He can’t sit in that worry/fear/discomfort so he finds a way to stop feeling.

When Dex’s marriage falls apart we see him running away to Paris to visit Em. And sure there are ulterior motives here (his hope and assuming that this could be the start of their romantic relationship) but the writer shows him literally traveling away from the country where his failed marriage, child and previous life were as he is show to be angrily talking about his divorce. As an image it appears like he’s running away from the reality of the divorce or running to Em for a distraction. It definitely supports Ems assumptions that he’s not serious about a relationship with her; she’s seen this behaviour in Dex before.

It’s even funny how in small ways we don’t see him handle upsetting things until the very end. Talking about his first marriage and the production the day became? Dex admits he didn’t want to rock the boat so he didn’t fight anything/reject anything/ have much say at all in his wedding. Sylvie drops off Jasmine? Dex is still at the cafe so Em is the one managing slightly awkward small talk. Jasmine practising her violin? We get a brief moment with Dex too but mainly it’s Em sitting through the recitals. In that last episode when they’re struggling with fertility, Em is the one who sits down and talks out her anger and fear and worry, where as Dex (who probably knew what the root of it all was) was happy to leave her to process it how she need to and support her while she did. If she hadn’t brought it up he wouldn’t have said anything.

That’s not becisarily a bad thing (Dex could have known that Em needed to process it herself before talking to him) but it is interesting that the writers engineer Dex to avoid all these moments of emotional discomfort. It reinforces his characterisation of being avoidant when confronted with conflict.

In contrast we kind of constantly see Em having to face hard moments and working through them.

Don’t know what to do with your life? Move to London to try and aim to work in your dream field. London life and restaurant job not going the way you planned? Commit to Dex’s suggestion of teacher training. Time to confess a secret? Here’s a hugely personal one about my past feelings for you. Past crush admits he kind-if fancy’s you? Stick to being honest about your past feelings and don’t take the opening to downplay them. You feel shit about your life and your secret affair? Well let’s turn that into motivation to finally write that book.

Not happy with your long term partner? End the relationship.

Emma’s whole confrontation with Ian is a masterclass in facing difficult conversations and emotions, being vulnerable and open and honest about your feelings, and finding empathy for another outside your point of view. And look what she gains from facing that hard in comfortable conversation? Closure, and a kind of friendship, one that lasts even after she dies.

When Dex confessed that he hoped they would start a romantic relationship in Paris, Em sits him down and starts that hard conversation about how she doesn’t think that is 1) what he even wants and 2) would work between them. She doesn’t brush off of hide from the conversation. And then when she has more information and time to think she commits to Dex.

Even after they sleep together there’s a scene of Em laying the ground rules, making it clear to Dex what she will and won’t stand in this relationship. That’s an awkward conversation to have but Em doesn’t hesitate and makes sure he knows from the get go what she expects and deserves. The writers are constantly showing us ‘Em doesn’t run from uncomfortable feelings’.

And then the tragic twist of fate: Emma is gone and Dexter finally has to learn to live with emotional discomfort. He can’t keep running because there is no escaping this, not like he did with his mum. Like he says to Imaginary-Emma ‘why would time change anything’. He is going to feel like this forever, there is no escaping it. Finally he is learning to face it, manage it, and work through it.

Of course Emma is far more than a literally device and is her own layered and well established character. But in this regard for Dex it’s almost as if she’s the final lesson for him to work through to grow up enough so he can eventually choose to return to the place they met.

And it could even come across as a reward for him; in learning to live with those difficult emotions, his reward is being able to remember Emma fondly, and to return to the place they met to seek out those memories. The memories are bittersweet, but now he remembers Emma as she was and not how she never got to be.

Like his dad said, he is eventually able to ‘live [his] life as if she were still here’ but in order to do that he first had to accept that she was gone.

What I’ve learned about how my brain works:

About 2 weeks ago I finalised plans with my father to help me put a new fence post in my garden. The old one had rotted at the bottom, it was leaning, he said it would be the work of an afternoon to dig out the base, secure and concrete a new one and attach it to the existing fence. Date and plans confirmed, I ordered all the supplies to be collected on the day of the build.

This little bit of ‘DIY prep’ clearly activated an area of my brain which had been dormant through the winter.

That night I decided I would also like more green in my dining room: I’d seen and saved something on Pinterest several months before, so now was clearly the perfect time to make it. I ordered plastic hedge panels, cut them to size, wove them together using spare twine, wired the whole thing with spare string lights, and used green zip ties to attach fake succulents all over. I then drilled 5 large bolt holes in my wall to hang this art, ordered enough 2x4 wood to make a frame, measured and cut to size, stained it, attached corner brackets and TaDa…. 5ftx5ft wall art where 3 days before there was nothing.

So main DIY day comes and we do the thing, the new fence post is up and it’s all secure and great. Job jobed. My father leaves.

Once again my brain wakes up and goes ‘we like this accomplished feeling, more please’.

In the 5 days since the fence post was fixed I have:

Bought 2 more bags of white gravel (my front garden has needed this for almost 5 months), Put weed killer down on the existing gravel, in a garden shop sale I’ve bought 4 more large terracotta plant pots, bought 9 new summer/autumn heathers to go in them, sourced enough wood mulch, peat moss, and ericious soil to fill them all, reorganised and styled these new pots alongside my existing plant pots filled with winter/spring heathers, and weeded the rest of my front garden; ordered gravel boards to support and provide a level base for my small area of decking, sealed them and secured them to one another; researched and chosen the rose bush I will be planting in the spring; chosen and ordered enough fence paint to cover my garden (and ordered fence paint brushes), decided on the colour of my kitchen tile paint and bought foam rollers so I can start next weekend.

What I HAVE NOT DONE in the last 5 days, or the 5 before that when I first felt this dormant DIY urge:

Called my local plumber/handyman to fix the crack in my bathroom sink, which has been there since September, and means I can’t properly use said sink and have had to have a plastic bowl placed inside so I can wash my hands and/or face.

This weekend I plan to do more DIY and probably mine-sweep my local store for cheap plants to take home and ‘rescue’. Despite my best internal efforts, I will likely not call the plumber.

I don’t know why I’m like this.