Dexter Is A Cautionary Tale Of The Need To Accept Discomfort As A Part Of Life, With Emma As His Contrast

Dexter is a cautionary tale of the need to accept discomfort as a part of life, with Emma as his contrast and aspirational example.

Throughout the show Emma embodies determination and self assurance. The only reason she thinks she can change the world is.. because why couldn’t she? In contrast Dexter has no idea what he wants and kind of resents having to even think about it, hence his jumping between careers and looking for purpose for the whole show.

While Em knows what she wants emotionally (the satisfaction or having made a difference, the achievement of doing what she always wanted) but isn’t sure on the specifics of what that will look like (I’ll write plays, no write poetry, no I’ll teach, okay no I’ll write a book), Dexter knows the specifics (I’ll be rich and famous) but doesn’t know what he wants emotionally (‘what will that look like?’ ‘I don’t know’).

While Dex is always running from uncomfortable feelings Em faces then head on and comes out the other side, able to learn from them.

As Dex is travelling to put off making long term decisions, Em has taken the first opportunity to do what she wants: writing, be it books, poems or in this instance plays.

On holiday Dex can’t allow himself to admit that he fancy’s Em and to leave it at that, he has to run from the honesty and vulnerability of that moment by adding on ‘but I pretty much fancy everyone’. In doing this you could argue that he looses his chance with her for several years, where as Emma’s confidence could have resulted in them getting together much sooner.

Dex misses his mothers last birthday because he doesn’t want to face reality. Instead of reacting to the fear and anger and pain of her diagnosis by spending every moment he can with her, or sitting down to have heart to heart talks with her, or helping her out in any meaningful way Dex runs away and numbs himself with substances, and is passed out for the little time he is in her presence.

When he’s nervous people won’t (or already don’t) like him on TV he again turns to substances to numb his feelings, and (instead of taking Em’s advice to ignore them) looks for reassurance from hangers on who don’t actually know him that well. He can’t sit in that worry/fear/discomfort so he finds a way to stop feeling.

When Dex’s marriage falls apart we see him running away to Paris to visit Em. And sure there are ulterior motives here (his hope and assuming that this could be the start of their romantic relationship) but the writer shows him literally traveling away from the country where his failed marriage, child and previous life were as he is show to be angrily talking about his divorce. As an image it appears like he’s running away from the reality of the divorce or running to Em for a distraction. It definitely supports Ems assumptions that he’s not serious about a relationship with her; she’s seen this behaviour in Dex before.

It’s even funny how in small ways we don’t see him handle upsetting things until the very end. Talking about his first marriage and the production the day became? Dex admits he didn’t want to rock the boat so he didn’t fight anything/reject anything/ have much say at all in his wedding. Sylvie drops off Jasmine? Dex is still at the cafe so Em is the one managing slightly awkward small talk. Jasmine practising her violin? We get a brief moment with Dex too but mainly it’s Em sitting through the recitals. In that last episode when they’re struggling with fertility, Em is the one who sits down and talks out her anger and fear and worry, where as Dex (who probably knew what the root of it all was) was happy to leave her to process it how she need to and support her while she did. If she hadn’t brought it up he wouldn’t have said anything.

That’s not becisarily a bad thing (Dex could have known that Em needed to process it herself before talking to him) but it is interesting that the writers engineer Dex to avoid all these moments of emotional discomfort. It reinforces his characterisation of being avoidant when confronted with conflict.

In contrast we kind of constantly see Em having to face hard moments and working through them.

Don’t know what to do with your life? Move to London to try and aim to work in your dream field. London life and restaurant job not going the way you planned? Commit to Dex’s suggestion of teacher training. Time to confess a secret? Here’s a hugely personal one about my past feelings for you. Past crush admits he kind-if fancy’s you? Stick to being honest about your past feelings and don’t take the opening to downplay them. You feel shit about your life and your secret affair? Well let’s turn that into motivation to finally write that book.

Not happy with your long term partner? End the relationship.

Emma’s whole confrontation with Ian is a masterclass in facing difficult conversations and emotions, being vulnerable and open and honest about your feelings, and finding empathy for another outside your point of view. And look what she gains from facing that hard in comfortable conversation? Closure, and a kind of friendship, one that lasts even after she dies.

When Dex confessed that he hoped they would start a romantic relationship in Paris, Em sits him down and starts that hard conversation about how she doesn’t think that is 1) what he even wants and 2) would work between them. She doesn’t brush off of hide from the conversation. And then when she has more information and time to think she commits to Dex.

Even after they sleep together there’s a scene of Em laying the ground rules, making it clear to Dex what she will and won’t stand in this relationship. That’s an awkward conversation to have but Em doesn’t hesitate and makes sure he knows from the get go what she expects and deserves. The writers are constantly showing us ‘Em doesn’t run from uncomfortable feelings’.

And then the tragic twist of fate: Emma is gone and Dexter finally has to learn to live with emotional discomfort. He can’t keep running because there is no escaping this, not like he did with his mum. Like he says to Imaginary-Emma ‘why would time change anything’. He is going to feel like this forever, there is no escaping it. Finally he is learning to face it, manage it, and work through it.

Of course Emma is far more than a literally device and is her own layered and well established character. But in this regard for Dex it’s almost as if she’s the final lesson for him to work through to grow up enough so he can eventually choose to return to the place they met.

And it could even come across as a reward for him; in learning to live with those difficult emotions, his reward is being able to remember Emma fondly, and to return to the place they met to seek out those memories. The memories are bittersweet, but now he remembers Emma as she was and not how she never got to be.

Like his dad said, he is eventually able to ‘live [his] life as if she were still here’ but in order to do that he first had to accept that she was gone.

What I’ve learned about how my brain works:

About 2 weeks ago I finalised plans with my father to help me put a new fence post in my garden. The old one had rotted at the bottom, it was leaning, he said it would be the work of an afternoon to dig out the base, secure and concrete a new one and attach it to the existing fence. Date and plans confirmed, I ordered all the supplies to be collected on the day of the build.

This little bit of ‘DIY prep’ clearly activated an area of my brain which had been dormant through the winter.

That night I decided I would also like more green in my dining room: I’d seen and saved something on Pinterest several months before, so now was clearly the perfect time to make it. I ordered plastic hedge panels, cut them to size, wove them together using spare twine, wired the whole thing with spare string lights, and used green zip ties to attach fake succulents all over. I then drilled 5 large bolt holes in my wall to hang this art, ordered enough 2x4 wood to make a frame, measured and cut to size, stained it, attached corner brackets and TaDa…. 5ftx5ft wall art where 3 days before there was nothing.

So main DIY day comes and we do the thing, the new fence post is up and it’s all secure and great. Job jobed. My father leaves.

Once again my brain wakes up and goes ‘we like this accomplished feeling, more please’.

In the 5 days since the fence post was fixed I have:

Bought 2 more bags of white gravel (my front garden has needed this for almost 5 months), Put weed killer down on the existing gravel, in a garden shop sale I’ve bought 4 more large terracotta plant pots, bought 9 new summer/autumn heathers to go in them, sourced enough wood mulch, peat moss, and ericious soil to fill them all, reorganised and styled these new pots alongside my existing plant pots filled with winter/spring heathers, and weeded the rest of my front garden; ordered gravel boards to support and provide a level base for my small area of decking, sealed them and secured them to one another; researched and chosen the rose bush I will be planting in the spring; chosen and ordered enough fence paint to cover my garden (and ordered fence paint brushes), decided on the colour of my kitchen tile paint and bought foam rollers so I can start next weekend.

What I HAVE NOT DONE in the last 5 days, or the 5 before that when I first felt this dormant DIY urge:

Called my local plumber/handyman to fix the crack in my bathroom sink, which has been there since September, and means I can’t properly use said sink and have had to have a plastic bowl placed inside so I can wash my hands and/or face.

This weekend I plan to do more DIY and probably mine-sweep my local store for cheap plants to take home and ‘rescue’. Despite my best internal efforts, I will likely not call the plumber.

I don’t know why I’m like this.

Just attended a public lecture on some of the dangers and concerns with OpenAI (ready to be informed!) and the two men on the panel were introduced as First Name- Last Name- Job while the two women were not given the courtesy of a profession, and instead were minimised and miss-introduced.

‘This is Joe Blogs who is a lecturer and teacher’ vs ‘this is Jane, a sociologist’

‘This is John Doe, a reporter who’s written several books’ vs ‘ this is Betty and she is .. a social media… expert?’ I’m a social psychologist’

So if I wanted to follow up afterwards or thought one of them made good points I should Google ‘Jane Sociologist’ and pray the one I want is there?? Nice way to show which people you think we should know more about…

My god, at least give your panelist’s the FACADE of equal consideration and attention.

As I’m fascinated by What Ifs and alternate scenarios, and I’m going over back how I felt about Dex and Sylvie, I would LOVE someone to explore an alternate version of their lives.

(I also have a soft spot for rare-pairs, or in defiance of ‘the big destined love’. Every now and again. For balance and literary roughage.)

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Across Dex’s life there’s reinforced messaging that Dexter doesn’t know what he wants, that he lacks purpose and drive and care, and this frustration only adds to lots of his other struggles.

But there is one thing we’re told Dexter once cared about: at some point in his childhood Dexter *loved* photography.

His mum mentions it when they get lunch, and thought we realise later that she was dealing with lots behind the scenes then, her remembrance of this hobby and her retelling of it then are actually quite hurtful and ham fisted. She (in a loving way) disparages this hobby, implying that Dexter wasn’t very good at it, and that this obsession confused his parents who (by the sounds of it) didn’t support or nurture this love.

And that would be interesting enough, coming in the same conversation that she bemoans Dexters lack of purpose and worries that it will cause him unhappiness in his life. But Dexter’s reaction to this memory is fascinating.

Its startling to see him so uncomfortable. He seems genuinely hurt and confused by this summation of his hobby; whether this is in response to the general sense that his mum didn’t think he was very good, or specifically that it was directed at his fascination with photography we can’t know for sure. But it gives an impression that there *was* once something that Dexter loved to do, or was fascinated by, and it was disparaged by his parents who didn’t support his interest and now he is seen as generally lacking any purpose or anything he’s interested in.

However you look at it it’s an interesting juxtaposition within one conversation. (I also kind of wonder if other interests were also treated this way, and so Dexters lack of care or interest is partially a learned behaviour…but I digress)

We get a call back to this photography again much later in the series, when the camera focuses on several taped up photos of gravel on his childhood bedroom wall. Again whatever the intention of this, it does remind us as the audience of Dex’s previous hobby that was important enough to him that he still keeps mementoes of them on the wall.

And though Dexter struggles massively with purpose and direction, we see in his last years with Emma that with the right support (and probably following on from a period where he reached the right level of desperation to swallow his pride and self motivate) he can choose a direction and job that he enjoys.

So I kind of love to wonder what other way his life could have gone.

What if, for whatever reason, Dex and Sylvie don’t go to Tilly’s wedding? Whatever the reason, probably combined with Dex both wanting to see Em again but also being slightly terrified of it, they can’t make it.

So Dex and Em don’t get their emotional reconciliation scene; they still likely make up and become friends again (Sylvie is still preganant, they’re still getting married, Dex will likely still invite Em and Tilly at least) but without them having that time and privacy at Tilly’s wedding to lay out all their cards…. are they *as* close afterwards as they could have been?

Does a Dex who hasn’t fully regained that romantically-tinged friendship with Emma (they shared a quick kiss minutes after he shared he was engaged and about to be a father!) then turn to Sylvie more than he did in the series? With Emma back as a good friend but not kind of a flirty-friend does Dexter emotionally commit a bit more to Sylvie and their marriage?

As they don’t re-meet Callum at Tilly’s wedding I think it’s unlikely he’s invited to theirs, hence Dex probably doesn’t get an offer to work for him.

So a Dex who is still professionally unfulfilled, looking for job options and a change, right when everything else in his life is also changing (marriage, fatherhood)… does this Dex now have a similar level of desperation/motivation as the one who we saw in Paris? Could this Dex also find the motivation to retrain in a new field, but not as a chef (as he hasn’t worked in a cafe) but instead…. as a photographer?

There was *something* there that drew his attention and held it as a kid, something which a appealed to him and made him proud of his little foray into that world. And when people are struggling with purpose and direction, don’t they say go back to what you once liked?

A Dexter who rediscovers this childhood love, now with the focus and need of an adult to try something new: that would be interesting. Also I think Sylvie is a model (?) in the book, so if that’s the case she probably has contacts or friends to help her new husband learn the ropes. It might even help their relationship to have her able to help him work on that passion, and for him to have something he is definitively working towards: both for them and also to reassure her family.

Plus if they don’t meet Callum at Tilly’s wedding, who then doesn’t offer Dex a job, Sylvie won’t be having an affair with him. In addition being with a Dexter who is slightly more emotionally attached to Sylvie, with a new career to focus on, and who hopefully feels less impotent might mean Sylvie doesn’t feel the need to cheat at all?

Do I ultimately think they would stay together? Probably not. They do appear to have differences in personality which would mean they aren’t the best of bedfellows. Dex’s sense of humor is shown to grate when Sylvie needs reassurance, and Sylvies inability to relax comes across to Dexter to be a lack of trust or belief in his competency. I don’t think different circumstances would have magically ‘fixed’ these differences in attitude and personality.

But I do think they could have ended better, and had a nicer and more interesting middle-period, before they went their separate ways.

But a Dexter who got to explore that tiny bit of passion and interest we’re told he once had? That would have been a fun version of him to get to see. And the poetic irony of Dexter finding purpose in the field his mother once disparaged, who found that interest and passion she worried he lacked in something she dismissed and mocked, would have been so narratively satisfying and well tied off!

Random thought spawned by TikTok: Successful multigenerational parenting should take notes from Star Trek.

The captain and first officer are the command team: they decide (within reason) where the ships going, how fast it moves, how it gets there etc. They call the shots and the buck stops with them. They are ultimately responsible for the ship. And they may switch roles as the situation calls for it, with first officer becoming captain as needed, but at the end of the day they operate as a team.

These are the parents.

But if you’ve set up your village correctly, they can be the bridge crew. Experts in their field, ready with advice, options and to provide support. Sometimes the captain shouldn’t make a decision before checking in with one of them for their knowledge or advice. But no matter what advice they get, the command crew should be confident in making their decisions because it’s what they think is best. They’ll have to justify it later if the admiralty have questions, so they need to be sure of their choices regardless of who gave what advice.

And if you’re a member of the bridge crew (looking at you Grandparents) you need to accept that you’re not in the command chair. You might give your expert opinion and advice on a situation, but the captain is likely getting advice from multiple people and their decision probably takes all that advice into consideration. You (the navigation officer) might think the course forward is obvious, but another expert (the communications officer) has more information for the captain which you’re not privy to which informs the command teams decision.

And once the captain has made a decision, you can’t contest it. Like the ref in any sports game, their call is final.

For the ship to sail smoothly, the bridge crew needs to work as one, and support the command teams decision. And yeah, sometimes the captain is going to make a bad call. But then you debrief afterwards and learn where you went wrong. What should the command team do differently next time? How should they weigh or value different peoples expertise or advice?

As the bridge crew, you’re there to support command. Advise and inform yes, but ultimately to aid command so they can make the hard calls.

And giving them honest advice, to the best of your knowledge, and then aiding them once they’ve made a decision? That makes them more likely to turn to you again in the future.

And we can take it a step further - sometimes the command crew will be away from the helm, maybe injury or personal reasons. And they’ll need to appoint someone else (‘Sulu, you have the con’). They’re only going to pass that command to someone they trust can handle the responsibility. If you’re constantly questioning or overriding their decisions, how likely are they to trust you in the captains chair?

The ship works best when the whole bridge crew work as one. Every person is a valued member of the team, and at the end of the day the ship is the priority.

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Don’t know how well I articulated this but the analogy wouldn’t leave my mind…

I’m only two episodes into Hospital Playlist and I would die for this found family group of dumbass’s. Everyone’s almost 40, with 20 years for friendship together, they speak to each others mothers as if they are their own, they’re constantly being annoyed by one or more members of the group, all piling into one tiny car to all get take out, they have a band together… ❤️