Chapter One

Chapter One

"Maddie! Hey!" Hana ran towards me after the Grammy awards ceremony. "Congratulations! You're album was amazing" I blushed as I gave my award's to my guards after some backstage photoshoots with them. "Thank you Han, congratulations on your first Grammy performance, you did amazing!" I smiled and she nodded. "I was terrified.." she chuckled then invited the excited award winner to the after party she's throwing. "I'd love to but I have to decline, I'm so sorry. Back on set first thing in the morning." Understanding her situation, the strawberry blonde hair female nodded and left with a hug and one more congratulations.

If Madison wasn't singing, she was acting and if she wasn't acting, she was dealing with her luxury brand.

She left the arena that was once filled with people after some interactions to go home to her best friends that waited on her. They didn't waste time to pounce on to her as she entered the mansion. "CONGRATULATIONS!!" Debra screamed as Emory and Mariah recorded their vlogs. She smiled as they passed her a non acholic champagne. "THAT'S OUR GIRL!" Mariah screamed before hugging her tightly. She giggled as they all pulled away. "I wish you all were there, honestly. I was low-key lonely" she pouted as she removed her shoes and jewelry. "One day.." Emory commented as she sat. "It's late but we cooked dinner to celebrate" with a smile Madison looked at the dinner table and she sigh. "I fucking love you guys, like for real." She excused herself to her room to get changed before dining with her best friends, who's basically her sisters.

As she re-entered the dining room, she couldn't help to overhear the trio speaking amongst themselves. "So it's true?! They are actually performing at the ama's?" I heard Mariah squealed as Emory and Debbie q looked at their phones. "Who's performing at the ama's this year?" Madison spoke as she sat before her plate of goodness. "BTS!" Debra squeaked out. "BTS? Who?" Gasps was heard around the room. "K-pop? Bts? Ring a bell? They literally are everywhere lately." As she ate, she shook her head, "y'all know I be avoiding social media." They sucked their teeth at their oblivious friend. "We need to get tickets quickly." Madison smirked. "Y'all know I can bring y'all right? The Grammy's just have stricter rules but otherwise, I'll carry y'all..." She suggested and they looked at her shocked. "We have to get prepared! It's two months away!" They jumped out of their seats frightening the hungry female. "If y'all bitches don't come and eat with me, I'll be revoking those shit!!" Obeying her from the threat, they all sat together in a fit of laughter as they enjoyed the remainder of the night.

•

One month later

"I really love this on you" Madison complimented Mariah on the red jumper she's trying on as the other females searched for more clothing.

"This is my favorite, literally"

"Is this the one?" Madison smiled "I'm jealous, I'm getting one in black" she responded as Mariah took it as a yes. "You'll surely catch eyes.. it'll be good for your channel as well." She nodded as Madison zipped down the back for her before leaving the dressing room.

"Debbie, you got something?" She nodded and showed her some choices. "Damn, I might as well shop as well, they have good shit in here" as she looked through her friends choices. Madison refused shopping since her stylist has everything down for her but there's nothing wrong with some extra personal clothing. "I'm surprised not much has noticed you yet." With a shrug she responded, "I'm not dressed up so I guess that's a factor." She stepped out in a strapped crop top and some designer sweats with sneakers and cap. "I'm getting this, I love it." Emory came out in a bright dress that highly complimented her chocolate tone. "Damn" I laughed at our simultaneous reaction. "You guys, don't even need me.. y'all shop better than me" after they paid and we left, I began getting noticed more and more as time pass and the mall got full. "Shit" Maddie whispered as a mob began forming, they ran towards the car, quickly entering and starting the engine before pulling off. "I feel bad, I hope they don't think the worse" Emory scoff besides me. "they betters not, you saw how we almost got crowded? Plus you get claustrophobic easily." With a sigh, Madison sat back before speaking to Debra in the driver seat. "Let's go Chipotle" Debra chuckled and the girl fell in a fit of laughter as Emory quoted an infamous vine. "Chipotle is my life"

> Chapter Two

Main MasterList

Church Bells

Theme: Wedding Ceremony, Jung Jaehyun x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: It's time for a celebration, here's to Mr & Mrs. Jeong

The loud bell settled everyone in their respected places. Both participants were shaking in excitement and anxiety. The sound of the homemade soundtrack echoed through the sanctuary; Cell phones, Video recorders, Cameras and many other electronic devices were held up as the first female waltz down the aisle.

The audience gap at the beautiful royal blue fabric that hugged her figure tightly, smiles covered the room as the male met her and greeted her with a bow before linking their arms to continue their slow tempo stroll to the alter. That motion repeated as six other bridal party members entered the church's sanctuary.

Finally, the person everyone was waiting for approached the closed double doors. The ushers slowly opened the doors and uncovered the bride linked arm and arm with her father. Cheers from both sides of the room erupted from the family members.

When I said I do

I meant that I will

'Til the end of all time

The flashes of the electronic devices flicker senselessly as the groom made his way to his fiancee and soon-to-be father-in-law. As he approached the father-daughter duo, he can see his mother's tears through his peripheral vision as he past her in the slow tempo they both rehearsed.

Bowing and shaking the fathers hand he finally connected with his soon-to-be wife after not seeing her for almost two days. His smile could not have been controlled, it was stuck as he held and so often glimpse at his fiance as they walked down the aisle together.

The screams and cries continued as the reverend began the vows. They both listened and repeated after the pastor as they held the rings ready to place it in each others fingers.

"I, Jeong Jaehyun, take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part."

You then cleared your throat as he placed the diamond on your third finger.

"I, Y/N, take you, Jeong Jaehyun, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part."

You giggled as Jaehyun's hand trembled in nerves as you placed the gold and black ban on his finger.

"If anyone here oppose of this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace" he called out to the audience as they awed at the couple. "Now without further ado, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may, go on" the pastor directed his hands to you as everyone laughed and screamed out.

Your veil rose revealing your teary eyes, Jaehyun approached you as he held your face. Your lips met each others in a deep kiss, hearing the cheers. You pulled away with a blush but heard Johnny yelled out from the crowd. "DO IT AGAIN, MY PHONE WASN'T RECORDING!" Family members and friends laughed along with you and your husband before he pulled you back in holding you back and waist as he kissed you as his newly wedded wife.

Nerve_27 || KNJ

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Nerve [Namjoon x Reader]

Prompt - @casnextdoor

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Part 26.5 - Mount Ever-rest

Part 27 - Bulletproof

Part 28 - coming soon

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Genre - cheating; aftermath; husband au;

Summary - You would never expect it really. He's doting. He's sweet. He's hardworking. But he's forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.

Warning - Cheating(Aftermath);

Word Count - 7.4k

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‘So I have an appointment booked for next week.’

You looked up from your phone when Namjoon walked into your master bedroom. ‘The therapist? Already?’

Your anxiety skyrocketed. It was literally the holiday season… and short notice considering you only gave him the go-ahead a couple days ago. You dropped your phone in your lap, the blanket over your legs making it bounce from the momentum. ‘It's the first week of January?’

‘Yeah, and?' His lips twitched. 

You smiled back ruefully. This was Kim Namjoon you were talking to.

It had been a fairly eventful morning. Kenta shared his findings from the night before, from the club and his theory about Maiya actually made a lot of sense.

It was disconcerting to know that someone was in league with her, or that there was a mastermind behind everything that happened so far and Maiya for that matter.

But you had faced enemies before.

A matter of urgency for you, was the identities of your security detail. Kenta had always been at the forefront, he was the 'official' bodyguard. Even the articles on the news were just now finding out that Yoshi was a part of your team.

So whoever had planned this, spliced footage and the like, knew who to distract and how, got Maiya her place at the club and disappeared without a trace.

For someone who knew so much, they would be closely associated with you or Namjoon, and even know Bree in passing, and yet, they went undetected as a familiar face.

However, despite the morning of sharing information about this so-called new enemy, over cold breakfast and multiple rounds of coffee, the guys had to whisk Kenta away to groom things and you and Yuna finalized the details for the following day.

Whoever the enemy, they had to be dealt with at a later stage.

Yuna was at her home, touching up her wedding outfit to perfection, where you would join her to dress up in the morning. Kenta was staying over at Yeon's place, no doubt going through the mile long list of incidents involving Maiya in any close association to you or Namjoon, needing to do something that eased his own nerves and keeping to the tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding and the band was at the dorms, which left you with your husband for the first time since waking up in each others arms that morning.

And you had your own set of nerves to deal with, over the news that this therapy session would be sooner than you thought. ‘Don't you have to make an appointment like, weeks before or something?’

He walked towards you and bent down to place a kiss on your hair. ‘Not with us.’ 

‘That's so soon,’ you thought aloud. You tuck your knees under your chin and curl your arms around them, your phone falling to the side of the loveseat. ‘It's right around the corner.’

Namjoon got down on his haunches in front of you, his bottom lip between his teeth. ‘Are you having second thoughts?’

You reach out to caress his lower lip to stop him tugging at the skin. ‘Plenty.’ You pull back and drop your head to the back of the seat. ‘I don't want to go. I just, I mean it's not as scary as it was before, but…’

‘But?’ You felt him caress your exposed calf, from where the blanket fell off.

‘I've never gone to see a therapist,’ you admit honestly, luxuriating in his firm hold on your calf, his fingers massaging the sore muscles. ‘Mom and Dad never believed in them.’ You huffed a laugh. ‘Which explains all of their unresolved issues. At some point I wanted to go see someone, but Dad didn't allow it,’ you said quietly.

‘What about when you took over and kept him at a distance?’

‘I was too busy by that point,' you dropped your feet and sat forward on the seat. If you stayed where you were, he'd take over the other leg, and as talented as his fingers were, you didn't want his knees to hurt. 'I know it sounds like I’m making excuses but I really was busy…and I was trying to find myself.' A flashback of the library and a set of keys that started it all. 'Then I met you,’ you hang your head, ‘And…I thought how embarrassing it would be to be the emotionally unstable girlfriend of an idol.’ You looked down once more to play with your fingers in your lap, doing your best to avoid his eye. ‘I wanted to be worthy of you.’

Without saying anything, he lifted you off the seat with ease and sat you in his lap, your head resting against his bare chest. You snuggled into him, immediately feeling warm, slightly more stable, and absolutely safe. ‘Hearing you say that… it scares the shit out of me.’ His fingers trail your arm, absently. ‘That you think so low of yourself. And it's confusing because I know that when I'm not in the picture you do have confidence in yourself.’

‘I mean…you handle your company,your friends, and yourself so confidently.' He sounded almost exasperated. 'But when it’s about being with me, or RM, when we’re together or if you’re doing something as the wife of an idol – you shrink back into your shell,’ you felt the stubble of his chin graze across your forehead, ‘all that self-assurance flies out the window.’

You couldn’t answer him. You couldn’t defend yourself or say anything. Because it was true. You walked through your life with your head held high. But Namjoon, with his success and his mindset and his irradiant soul, how could you ever consider being capable of walking through life hand-in-hand with such a man. He was respected, loved, obsessed over, and in all aspects revered. 

He could have had anyone, his pick of the litter, and yet he wore a wedding ring with your birthstone and the end of an engraved crescent moon attached to it. 

‘Like when you dealt with Cora that day,’ he spoke again, ’you knew for a fact that no one else could pull off being my wife like you. And if anyone had to say shit about your company, you'd prove to them exactly why you're the boss because you know the ins and outs of every level. But when it's about me…’ You felt him slowly shake his head against your own.

You had erred. Greatly. A big part of you still thinking as a fan. You made Namjoon out to be somewhat of a perfect human being, when he was simply a man, living his best life. The irony was not lost on you. 

Then again, you couldn't fault yourself completely. The band itself was almost inhuman – in the sense that the normal, average human would never compare and never in their dreams, let alone in reality, accomplish their tier of success. 

‘I put you on a pedestal.’ You swallowed hard against the soft admission. ‘Something I shouldn't have done.’ You felt him stiffen under you. ‘But not because of the infidelity,’ you placed your palm on his chest, felt the warmth cascade through your fingertips, ‘but because that's not your responsibility to bear. You're only human. A phenomenal human being, I know that for a fact. But human, nonetheless.’

He caressed your thigh above the blanket, weighing the silence between your observation and his. Both were true and clear as day. But neither your disparagement nor his status as an idol were spoken of in such detail before. 

‘Why are we like this, Joon?’ You mused out loud. ‘It should be so simple right, but we think too much and feel too much and…’ Feel too deeply. You clicked your tongue in exasperation. ‘I mean half of this shit is because I’ve got daddy issues… but so many people have fucked up fathers, they get through life just fine.’

‘Ow!’ You straightened up from his chest and thumped him when he pinched you.

‘We don’t compare traumas.’ He glared at you.

You turned away from him and put your feet back on the ground, already sensing an argument, and you could not think logically when he was so close in proximity to you. ‘It’s so childish it can’t be considered a trauma.’ 

He grabbed the blanket and held you in place. ‘So my fear of you leaving is ‘childish’?’

You bristled at his tone, throwing your advice from days earlier back in your face. ‘That’s different.’ You tugged your mono. blanket back from him.

He raised his perfect brow, and tightened his hold. ‘Because it’s me?’

You stared at him, your nostrils flaring in annoyance. 'Let go or I swear I will tell Yoongi on you if you tear it.'

He narrowed his eyes. ‘Why can’t you afford yourself a little leniency?’

'The blanket,' you whined. 

'Y/n,' he reprimanded. Making it clear he would not let go until you gave him a proper answer.

‘Because if I afford myself a pat on the fucking back,' you put all your weight behind your last tug and he let go at the last moment, having you sailing toward the bed and landing with a thud. 'I become weak.' You blew a strand of hair off your face. 'I have to be hard on myself. I have to be strong.’

‘The concepts have no correlation, y/n.' He leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his knees. 'Having to go to therapy to help you cope with trauma is a sign of progress, not weakness.’

‘It’s relevant if I have been through the level of trauma to warrant the reactions I have and the emotions I feel.’

You didn't know why you were arguing with him, but some part of you desperately needed him to see that you were a bunch of flaws, a bunch of faults, with way more baggage than he should be allowed to deal with and absolutely no proper evidence to show for it. 

‘Your father put you through hell, y/n.' His voice was like a whip, reminding you with clarity all the secrets you'd ever divulged about your father to him. 'You were asked to be perfect, to be a specific y/n. He took the real you and crushed it.’

You shook your head at your husband’s harsh tone. ‘Theoretically,' you emphasized the word. 'He didn’t raise a hand on me. He didn’t assault me. He didn’t disown me. As a father, he did the necessary.' You were the last person to speak in your father's defense, but you had to state the facts. 'I was clothed, fed, educated. Hell, I even got a company out of it.’

Your husband stood up, frustration evident as one hand fell to his hip and he used his free hand to point his forefinger to nothing in particular. ‘What you’re listing off is the bare minimum. Why can’t you see how messed up that is?’

‘Because I know that I’m messed up but I don’t really feel like discussing and analyzing exactly how messed up I am?!' You banged your fists on the bed and breathed hard, wishing it didn’t affect you this badly, wishing you had an actual reason to feel pain, because you had no physical evidence of your so-called trauma… how or why  it could be considered as such, and how sensitive and weak you were that you couldn’t deal with it. ‘Fuck!’ You balled up the blanket and threw it on the floor. Then moved to pick it up, because it was now your favorite.

‘You're scared, I get that –, '

'No, I'm fucking terrified. And I know for a fact we're gonna walk in there and I am going to be what's wrong with ‘us’. I will be the cause.' Your voice broke as you pointed to yourself, clutching your blanket in your freehand. 'I did something... or you would have never found solace in someone else.' You looked at your feet. 

You were the emotionally turbulent one, the mentally unstable one, the crier, the one with so many issues behind the ice wall you built up around you. 

You felt the bed dip next to you, his thigh touching yours, his boxers against your own pajama shorts. His statement was so pure, so truly stated, it turned your heart over. 'I can’t find solace in someone else y/n.'

You knew that. Weeks of getting him to see other women, of getting him to feel something for them, or get to know them, and still, he was here next to you. 

‘I want you to go to therapy for a reason, baby.'

'Yeah,' you rolled your eyes, 'to unearth my "trauma",' you air quoted. 

'There's another reason.' You lifted your head, showing him you waited for him to elaborate. 'I want you with me because I think…' his eyes met yours and he stopped talking.

'You thought?' 

'I think, I mean, I have a feeling that…' he pursed his lips. 

—--------

'Namjoon,' she whispered softly. 

He hummed as he tried to work out the right words to say in his head. 

'Spit it out.'

His jaw set at her tone. 'The psyche's theory is that I cheated because Maiya looked vulnerable.' He looked down at his hands in his lap and pursed his lips. 'She looked like the world was falling apart and that I had this built up notion inside me that I wasn't needed anymore...' He licked his bottom lip, and hesitated before completing the explanation. '... by you. And so when I approached her, I must have felt the need to… fix things.' 

He ran a hand through his hair, gripped at the ends of it before letting it go. 'With the alcohol, it… I don't know, made things hazy, I guess,' he chanced a glance to y/n and blanched at the twisted expression on her face. 'I don't want to make excuses y/n.' He hurried to get it all out, get it out of the way. 'I don't remember much. I know we talked about her life and work and how she did her best and I don't know how things got to where they did but I was in her car and then I tried to tell her I had a wife and, and…next thing I knew… I was walking away from her car... after.' He mentally cringed at the remnants of the event.

The amount of gestures he made, clearly wasn't helping him any, but he couldn't stop trying to explain the best he could. 'I don't…remember how her hands felt or how her lips felt, I was hard and then I was…' His lips screwed up and he looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to face y/n but needing to see he reaction anyway. 'It's not an excuse,' he shook his head and took note of her tight lips and set jaw, her features as if carved in stone, showing no reaction at all now, and if at all possible making him feel so much worse. He wished, he willed for y/n to understand that any of what he was saying was not an excuse at all. He just really needed it all on the table. 'I promise it's not an excuse. Or why would I be fighting for you, fighting for this, for us.' He wanted to reach out for her, but fisted his hand in the sheets under him. 'I didn't want anyone else. I didn't desire her. the very idea of...' Namjoon grabbed at his hair as his nightmare from weeks ago came to the fore. 

'It doesn't make you feel the way you do when you think about making love with me.' She whispered numbly, still sporting that same expression. 

'You…' he licked his lower lip, 'you and your body and your sweet words and the whole idea of Kim fucking y/n falling to pieces in front of me….' Unable to help himself he turned and placed his hands on her shoulders, bending his head to meet her eye level. 'I would never want to lose that, that's my right and privilege as your husband… I don't…' his breath caught in his chest, 'I don't even know how you've forgiven me for it.' 

She looked ahead, out the floor to ceiling length windows, a signature of her favorite kind of visual interior, showing off the lights from the city below. 'So I am the cause.'

'No!' His protest was immediate. 'Absolutely not. I got greedy, y/n. I was weak. You're so independent and it was a good thing at first. It still is.' His heart beat uncomfortably, as he waited for her to jump in and condemn him at any moment. 'Where you work around my schedule and you do your life and your work and your friends and your life molds itself around mine.' 

He was sprouting word vomit at this point, but he couldn't stop. 'You aren't clingy. I know you miss me. Especially when I come home into your arms after tours. I know if your schedule is free, you come with me. I know work comes second if I need you. I know, I know it's something to appreciate. That you have your own life and your own projects and hobbies and just…' he squeezed his eyes shut, 'that you're able to live life without me.'

He opened them again and bit the inside of his lip to keep his emotions at bay. 'But you're so good at it y/n. It's intimidating. It's scary how much you don't need me.' 

He couldn't say anymore. He'd already said too much. He swallowed the knot in his throat as he waited for her to speak. 

'Should I slap you?' He winced at the question.  'Would that make whatever it is you're feeling inside a bit better?' 

Something in him refused to look at her, but he couldn't give in to that cowardice. He faced her head on, making sure she had easy access. 'If you want to.'

She scoffed. Her disappointment nailing the coffin laid out in front of them. 

She stood up, and paced the room. Her tongue poking the inside of her cheek, a habit that she picked up from him. 'How long have you felt like this?' She finally asked after a minute of silence. 

'Truthfully… I didn't know I was.' Looking through his lashes, he tried to maintain eye contact with her. 'It's a second thought. Like when we were on the stairs, when you altered date nights to allow rain checks. I know you did that because of my schedule and how it can change. 

And when we get tour dates you maneuver everything you can't do with me into that time slot if you're not coming along.' He lifted his palm and motioned to nothing in particular. 'The meetings and mergers that require travel. The sushi and seafood buffets. Girls’ nights. Work events… And those aren't bad things.' He rushed to add. 'It's just… how easy you do it.' 

'It's not easy you fu–mmmh.' She closed her hand into a fist and held it in front of her face, and silently counted to ten as if to get a hold of herself. 'It is not easy.' She growled when she finally opened her eyes again. 

'Don't you think,' her voice raised an octave each step she took toward him, 'I want to wake up to you every morning, Namjoon? That I would want domestic life with you that doesn't require you being up before the sun and home long after it's set.' Her narrowed gaze questioned his sanity, his very high IQ, and it made him insecure about his intelligence for the first time in a long time. 'I want you here with me.' 

She gripped his hair and tilted his head back to look up to her. 'I want to have sex with you when I wake up.' She blinked profusely, as if keeping tears at bay. 'I want you to kiss me and tell me I'm pretty when I wake up. I want to give you shit for not being around… to get me chocolate or embarrass you by asking you to get pads when I get my period.' Her voice broke, and her fingers shifted to caress his nape. 'I want to sit on the couch at night on a weekend or a weekday, or any day, and watch a fucking movie, and go shopping without someone trying to find something wrong with my clothes or if the leader is on the market again.' 

She shifted her legs outside his to sit in his lap and he gladly closed his arms around her, his fingers caressing the skin at her waistline. 'Namjoon, it's been six years. Don't you think…' He leaned into her touch when she cupped his jaw and pressed her forehead against his. 'I want a baby Namjoon running around. One that Jin can spoil and Hoseok can be godfather to.' Her eyes when she opened them again, implored him to see reason. 'I am a busy woman and I cannot have a baby alone when you're touring without any signs of stopping. It's not easy being married to you, Namjoon.' She shifted her head side to side, her hair brushing across his face. 'I can sense your presence and I calm down with your touch because that's how much I crave it. If I didn't have my life, if I didn't create a life that's separate from yours, I would have gone insane, from missing you, from loving you, from needing you, every single day, all the time. I needed me, for me, Joon, because I can't always have you.'

For once words failed him. What could he say? That he was selfish. That he kept wanting more and more when she'd basically given him everything and more. That he was so absolutely sorry that he was so absent. He desperately wanted to kiss her, to mold his lips against hers so he could taste her anger and she could feel his possessive need to have her, to keep her, to love her always. 

'Would that have been better,' he was startled out of his thoughts at the question, 'leaving for tour with me bawling my eyes out asking you not to go, not to perform the way you love to?' 

'God, no –,' 

'Be with me everyday,' she interrupted, 'all the time, skip out on activities, skip out on the band, beg you to go solo, produce behind a desk so you're home more?'

'Y/n –,' 

'Shut up.' She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against his again. 

'Baby,' he breathed, like a plea, not knowing what to do, what to say next, where he stood with her. 

'I am not changing who I am.' Her statement was resolute, melded in iron, carved into stone, and he respected her all the more for it. 'I cannot change who I am. Not even for you.'

He looked at her closed eyes, and wondered how much it took out of her to stay true to herself. He loved his wife. But more importantly, he loved the person she was, in all her strength and all her glory. 

And he knew if he didn't already have a solid head and a handle on whatever the psyches theory was, if he so much as gave her the idea, that he wanted her to dumb herself down or change or be less independent, he would break her in a way her father never could. 

But he didn't need that. He didn't want y/n to change. 

He lifted her chin with his hand and waited for her to open her eyes. 'I would never ask you to change for me. I love you as you are.'

Her eyes swam with tears. 'Flaws and all?'

He pulled her into his embrace, his arms cradling her body against his, once again reminding him how perfectly she fit against him, how perfect she was for him. 'Everything, y/n. Everything.'

She breathed deeply, the warmth of it tickling his ear, pushing his emotions to overdrive. The absolute last thing he needed right now was a hard-on, but that couldn't be helped when y/n was around. 

'All of those things I've made peace with already, the having to deal with you being gone or absent.' She spoke over his shoulder. She spoke of fact, but it hurt nonetheless. 'You are not less of a man, you are not a bad husband. And you know me, somehow, better than I know myself. And you're present when it's necessary.' He felt her swallow hard. 'About therapy, I want to hear from this doctor for myself, so we'll be going. Because he could make some sense, but he could also be very wrong.'

He was relieved. Mostly because she was clearly and openly communicating with him, and more so because she wouldn't make this therapy thing harder than it should be. 

Y/n had a stubborn streak. 

'And before we go any further.' She shifted back to look at him, his arms slid down to her waist. 'Do you remember when I had a flat, and it was your practice schedule a couple of weeks before your muster? I think it was two or three years ago?' 

He searched his memory to find the right one. 'Yeah,' he scrunched his eyebrows and nodded, 'you called me to get you and Kenta?' 

She raised an eyebrow. 'Why would I call you to pick me up when you don't drive?' 

That was a real question at the time. But everyone was so panicked and she was late and he was busy that it just flew over their heads. 

'Because you're the first person I thought of,' she answered for him. 'Sure, it worked out. You brought Jungkook and we got my car towed but I could have gotten a taxi. I could have called Yuna. Kenta could have called someone from his agency. 

There were so many options but you came to the forefront.' She tilted her head to the side, eagerly making a point.   

'Remember when I had an issue with the one artist, for his lake house, the famous painter, before you stepped up to meet with him and make him understand exactly why the way the house face was such an issue, all I did was tell you about it.' 

He vaguely remembered having to deal with the artists choices, which were arguably quite horrid and didn't set well with the lush greenery and backdrop mountain view. Y/n knew the job wouldn't be a complete waste of her time, knowing her tones and combinations from years of honing her craft. 

And she'd asked him to lend a hand in convincing him because Namjoon had attended an exhibition months earlier and shook hands with said artist. Needless to say, as a power couple, they did quite well. 

'I only talk to you about energies and zodiac signs and moon phases. I may watch it anytime in any place but I talk to you about a new Scooby-Doo movie and gush about watching it when it first comes out. You of all people know that I don't drop my work for anything, but my life comes to a standstill when the Peaky Blinders season is out.'

She relaxed in his hold. 'I need you to wish me first for my birthday. I don't care if anyone else forgets, but I need you to do it. I need to hold your hand, Namjoon. I need you to hug me from behind when I'm stressing about a contract or a project or a drawing.' She smiled sadly. 'Do you think for one second I would let another man get away with calling me out on my bullshit the way you do? And when I fight you, and you don't let me get away with my swearing or my bullshit. and when we have sex, do you think at any point in time, ever, I would want any man, using me to get off, or tell anyone about my kinks, unless it's you?'

Her fingers caressed his jawline and she looked at him like nothing could be more precious to her. 'All of those things are all you, baby. That mirror on our wall. That wall length fucking mirror where you get to fuck me and make me watch, only turns me on because it's you. Like you said last night, Joon, it's you. It's always you. It's always been and will always be you. So the next time, you think, I don't need you, for even a second if that happens you need to tell me. So I can prove to you exactly how much I need you.'

He looked up at her, completely in awe of the woman in his lap, unsure of how real she was and utterly convinced he would never deserve her. 'Never change, y/n. Don't ever change. I love who you are, I love that you're so independent. I love when your eyes flash fire and when you stand up for yourself and what you believe in. I love when you change my perspective and I love, when you remind me, why I absolutely fucking adore you.'

He turned his face to kiss her palm. 'I love all of you. And I'm so fucking sorry for ever making you think, for even a second, that you had to change for me or that you had done anything to cause this.' For once he was eager to deal with an issue in his mind, not with patience, but to see it for what it truly was and squash it for good, so that it may never be a hindrance of any kind ever again. 'The Hero complex, it's all me, and my insecurity, and that's some damage I just have to work through.'

'We.'

'We,' he amended with a soft smile. 

'I have some damage of my own to deal with.'

He lifted his head off her chest, how he'd gotten in that position was beyond him, but it wasn't odd. Their bodies knew each other. But he didn't give it more attention than necessary as he somehow sensed by her tone, she carried a heavy heart and this wasn't part of anything he caused. 'What is it?' 

Her haunted eyes had him tightening his hold on her. 

'He, uhm,' she avoided eye contact, 'he told me,' she traced his bicep with her finger, 'that when I complained to my dad… afterward.' He willed himself to be calm, after realizing exactly who she was talking about. 'He cornered me and he...' she squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again, 'he told me… I was… damaged,' the last word was barely a whisper, as if saying it any louder would solidify the claim, 'and anything he would have done, or could have done, would have only made my life better. That I had made a big mistake.'

Anger surged within him, a volcanic eruption he couldn't help but feel when Kwang Jae was mentioned. 

Y/n never talked about him in such detail, but he had an inkling that the man had left a deeper scar on her than she let herself show. It did something to her, as it would to anyone, when their trust was broken. And Namjoon had a feeling, Kwang had shaken y/n's world and trampled on the pieces he left behind for good measure. 

Maybe if she hadn't relied so much on Kwang's safety net, she wouldn't be so scarred. But Namjoon couldn't fault her, not when her own parents – her own safety nets were in tatters. The man, if Namjoon could even call him that, gained her trust with patience and time and built it over years, groomed y/n as if she were a pet project. 

'I think I knew.' She sounded so lost, so small, Namjoon wanted to hide her from the world. 'I knew that he preferred me over the other interns. And he was drawn to me because we could get along and talk and maybe because of forbidden fruit, the whole, best friend’s daughter thing…' 

Namjoon swallowed against the distaste in his mouth. 

'I liked the attention.' The confession tore through her. 'I thrived on the fact that I knew about projects before anyone else, details, financials… He'd sneak me chocolates randomly, and we'd have coffee and when I was upset or lost or needed advice, I called him and, and I don't know…' 

His heart was breaking as he watched y/n crumble in front of him. She hated how she reacted, how much she liked the attention, how gullible she had been to fall for all of it. It was hard to trust yourself, after such mistakes. Namjoon would know. 

'When I said I wanted something, his only response was a smile and ‘why not’.' She shrugged, as she spoke from a far off place, one Namjoon stopped her from falling completely in by holding onto her form for dear life. 'Like when I wanted to dive fully into technical drawing he made a plan for my internship to be integrated into the design department. And when there was a movie festival that dad didn't give me permission to go to, he found a way to have me over at his house for the weekend and let me go with Yuna. Helen was studying out of the city. Some fancy university.'

'And…and when I used to cry because things were bad at home and mom and dad fought, he picked up the phone and let me talk to him, and I, I used to cry to him…over the phone.' His palm held her head to his shoulder as she broke down into tears. 'I told him everything,' she cried, 'Showed him all of me,' she sniffed and choked out her next words, 'but he used it all against me.' 

'He knew what he was doing.' Namjoon's voice was glacial. 'He was patient and collected your secrets and your weaknesses and threw them back at you.' 

He pecked the side of her forehead, cradling her to him, ever willing to lend her his strength, because she would only ever look to him for it. 'It makes him the vile one, not you.'

'I still think I led him on.' Her voice was solemn, as if she was tired, tired of everything. 'You know, by not putting a stop to it, by letting it all happen. I encouraged it.'

Enough was enough. 

'Have you ever called him handsome?' He felt her shake her head as he reverted back to his roots, back to logic, as a last resort. 'Have you ever touched his arm or his shoulder, maybe hugged him longer than you would a father figure or a brother?' He wished to hold the images bouncing in his head at bay, his only consolation that y/n would never be near the male in question ever again, not if he could help it. 'Did you look at his lips,' he grit his teeth, 'stare into his eyes?' She tried to stand up, probably hearing the venom in his voice, but he held her to him, 'Most importantly did you ever ask for anything of the sort y/n?' 

He felt her nails as her fingers gripped hard at his naked shoulders. 'No.'

His hand found her nape in a possessive and intimate hold, and he lifted her chin with his thumb, to make her face him. 'When we're young, it lingers a bit more, those nice things that he did, the pretty words he said, because it makes him seem like a nice person.' He was anything but. He bit back on the urge to find the man and strangle him, as he stared at the unshed tears swimming in his wife's eyes. He'd made y/n cry too many times to count in the past few weeks. He intended to never do so again. 'But after knowing why he did what he did, you can't hold yourself responsible for wanting to be cared for in a way the people around you never did.'

She squeezed her eyes shut and the tears dribbled down her cheeks. 'This is utterly terrifying. Seeing parts of each other that we haven't before.' Her fingers curled around his throat and his cock jumped to attention, but he denied himself anything sexual. They were having a very deep, very open discussion and y/n only did what she did for his body warmth, his skin, because the physical hold he had on her, did something to ground her.

'Scarring is the easy part isn't it?' She mumbled, completely unaware of his predicament as he got his body under control. 

'Hmm,' he moved his hands to her thighs, placing her expertly against the most vulnerable part of him. Just a taste. 'Healing's a hell of a bitch.'

'I love you Namjoon.' placed her cheek against his. 'This whole conversation. Last night. That recording. The fights we've had. The cheating… I love you. That's what I feel and that's what feels right. I know it. And it's the only feeling that makes sense right now.'

Fear gripped him and any other thought besides it flew out the window. Namjoon knew y/n well enough to understand the meaning behind any set of words she took the time to say. And the heavy implication of 'love is not enough' was an attached string at the end of her sentence. 'You're worried if we're strong enough to love each other through it.'

'I think we are.' She replied.

Namjoon rubbed his cheek against hers, his stubble grazing her in a bittersweet caress. 'I think I would like nothing more than to have Kwang Jae killed.' 

He didn't want to acknowledge her statement. He didn't have that kind of strength in him. He would just have to believe they were strong enough to get through anything.

'He didn't get me, Namjoon.' She reminded him, loving him enough to understand that an inferno raged under his skin. 

'And he never will.' His hands clenched around her, holding her so tight, it was as if he could bury her in his skin. 'If the anger I feel is any indication of how much I love you y/n, then I know I will be here through it all.' To his own ears, he sounded rigid with control, but inside he burned with a blinding rage and a flourish of certainty that Kim Y/n was his one and only. 

It was tiresome. So fucking tiresome. But he'd never felt closer to his wife. He didn't know he would get this far. So many reveals. So much forgiveness. But so much pain – like overturning the graves of traumas that they had both buried alive to the best of their ability. Somehow he knew it was a good thing. And yet… 

He'd hold out the verdict on the anger toward her ghosts, but he knew, down to his soul, that y/n would not easily share her heart, that took time, time he'd taken to make sure he was the only one she trusted with it. But her painful past… sharing it… never before, not with anyone, not even with him, not until now. 

'I'm trying so hard, Namjoon,' her voice broke on his name. 'I'm trying so hard not to lose you and I'm willing to do anything for it.' She inhaled deeply, a shakey breath that made her look unlike the self-assured mask of herself. 'There's so much that's made itself known, so much we've learned, because of everything that's happened and I don't want you to lose respect for me. Or think I'm less of who I've built myself to be, because those were past mistakes and I just –,' 

As if he could ever think less of her. 

'You haven't forgiven yourself,' he interrupted her with the truth. 'You haven't forgiven yourself for a lot of things.'

Making a split second decision, one that could ruin him, one that could leave him a shell of his former self, he spoke his next words before he lost the nerve to do so. 'Y/n, do you need a break?' 

She lifted her head, her eyes wide. 'What?' 

'Staying together has taken a toll on both of us.' His throat was tight and his jaw set in an effort to hold back tears. 'And by the looks of things, our friends and family may add to the pressure, the outside world too.' His voice made a clean crack between his last words and the next. 'But I would give that to you y/n.' 

He felt his body tremble, and he followed her touch as her fingers caressed his shoulders. 'Hell,' he sniffed, 'a few nights ago, I would have never considered it. I was actually terrified of it. I mean, I don't want to lose you.' He tightened his hold. 'I don't want to see any sign or go through any experience or do anything that would give you the chance to realize that you could do… so much better than me.' He lifted her hand and held it over his heart. 'But if you need your freedom, from me.' A tear cascaded down his cheek the moment he realized he couldn't hold himself back. 'I will give it to you.'

—---------

You blinked a couple times, a moment of deja vu from the morning making itself known, as you held back tears of your own that you'd just stopped shedding. His willingness to give you a choice for space, even if it would rip him to pieces… it undid you and you couldn't bear to see him in pain. 'I will not lie to you, Joon,' your voice thick with a plethora of emotions you couldn't name. 'I can't say… that this... has left me unscathed.' 

It practically ripped your world wide open, to your past and the people that made it unbearable. 'I feel raw and broken and vulnerable. My default setting has me wanting to close up and keep everyone including you so far away while I try and put myself together again,' something within you repelled the thought as soon as it crossed your mind, 'but if I do, I know I'm going to spill over so badly, I'll explode.'

Flashes of you in the pool, the iciness suffocating your heart, making it beat instead of feel for a moment of survival so you could breathe, live, survive again, clutching at your hair as it happened and screaming your tears to the world and all who witnessed it, until your throat was raw. 

'I don't know how much longer I can hang on and I don't know much more I can take or if I can take anything else at all.’ You whispered the words, really handing it to yourself for actually surviving what you never thought you could – Namjoon tearing your heart out. ‘But my life and my perspective and what's next is in pieces, and I don't know if I can put myself back together.' 

But you always had before. And this morning, you promised him, as he broke down in your arms, you promised your husband a fight, a fight for your marriage, to collect every piece and put your lives together. Somehow in some way with time and tiny steps you could manage to take, you had done it before –  this time, you were not alone. And you were so sure, so damn sure of one thing, and that was your love, your husband, you were unequivocally sure of Kim Namjoon. 

‘The fact is, Namjoon,’ you placed your hand over his heart, felt the beat under your fingertips,’ ...you destroy me.’

You wouldn’t pull your punches. The walls, the guards, the subtle gestures and sugar-coating, it was all done, it was all over. No matter how, with whom or the aftermath, Kim Namjoon, your husband had cheated on you. 

But you had finally made peace with it.

‘But there's also the fact that, if I'm still alive, if I'm still here and I can still feel, I know in my heart nothing will make sense unless I'm with you.’ Because he was also the reason you put yourself back together. He was the reason you chose to do better. He was your strength and your comfort and he was the mirror of potential you always pushed yourself toward being, because the restless feeling under your skin, for more, only Namjoon could understand it, only Namjoon could understand you. ‘I would rather you have that right and that privilege.’ You looked into his eyes and let him see you, for all that you were and all that you are. ‘No one else would ever come close.’

Taglist - @casnextdoor @jaysdimples @belliebelle @pinkcherrybombs @sweetjellyfishland @blushingatyou @jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue @somewhereinthestarss @k-brownsugar @namsona17 @taejinxkoya @notsooperfect @zae007live @its-hopes-world @shina913 @bri-mal @piecesofapril11 @kissme-ornot @toriluvsfics @agustdmwah @lochness-butmakeitsexy @petalsofink @definetlythinkimanalien @masterpiecejoonie @gcintia @danietoww04 @roguesthetic @rjsmochii @amymikaelson @hello-kittyy @mschievous247 @onlythehobi @deliciousdetectivestranger @daddypkj @callmemadhatter @rkivecenter @codeinebelle @creolesoul2seoul @nochelunaxx @serendididy [closed]

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Part 26.5 - Mount Ever-rest

Part 27 - Bulletproof

Part 28 - coming soon

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words to use when writing

Appetite:

craving, demand, gluttony, greed, hunger, inclination, insatiable, longing, lust, passion, ravenousness, relish, taste, thirst, urge, voracity, weakness, willingness, yearning, ardor, dedication, desire, devotion, enthusiasm, excitement, fervor, horny, intensity, keenness, wholeheartedness, zeal

Arouse:

agitate, awaken, electrify, enliven, excite, entice, foment, goad, incite, inflame, instigate, kindle, provoke, rally, rouse, spark, stimulate, stir, thrill, waken, warm, whet, attract, charm, coax, fire up, fuel, heat up, lure, produce, stir up, tantalize, tease, tempt, thrum, torment, wind up, work up

Assault:

attack, advancing, aggressive, assailing, charging, incursion, inundated, invasion, offensive, onset, onslaught, overwhelmed, ruinous, tempestuous, strike, violation, ambush, assail, barrage, bombard, bombardment, crackdown, wound

Beautiful: 

admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, bewitching, charming, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, exquisite, fascinating, gorgeous, graceful, grand, magnificent, marvelous, pleasing, radiant, ravishing, resplendent, splendid, stunning, sublime, attractive, beguiling, captivating, enchanting, engaging, enthralling, eye-catching, fetching, fine, fine-looking, good-looking, handsome, inviting, lovely, mesmeric, mesmerizing, pretty, rakish, refined, striking, tantalizing, tempting

Brutal:

atrocious, barbarous, bloodthirsty, callous, cruel, feral, ferocious, hard, harsh, heartless, inhuman, merciless, murderous, pitiless, remorseless, rough, rude, ruthless, savage, severe, terrible, unmerciful, vicious, bestial, brute, brutish, cold-blooded, fierce, gory, nasty, rancorous, sadistic, uncompromising, unfeeling, unforgiving, unpitying, violent, wild

Burly:

able-bodied, athletic, beefy, big, brawny, broad-shouldered, bulky, dense, enormous, great, hard, hardy, hearty, heavily built, heavy, hefty, huge, husky, immense, large, massive, muscular, mighty, outsized, oversized, powerful, powerfully built, prodigious, robust, solid, stalwart, stocky, stout, strapping, strong, strongly built, sturdy, thick, thickset, tough, well-built, well-developed

Carnal:

animalistic, bodily, impure, lascivious, lecherous, lewd, libidinous, licentious, lustful, physical, prurient, salacious, sensuous, voluptuous, vulgar, wanton, , coarse, crude, dirty, raunchy, rough, unclean

Dangerous:

alarming, critical, fatal, formidable, impending, malignant, menacing, mortal, nasty, perilous, precarious, pressing, serious, terrible, threatening, treacherous, urgent, vulnerable, wicked, acute, damaging, deadly, death-defying, deathly, destructive, detrimental, explosive, grave, harmful, hazardous, injurious, lethal, life-threatening, noxious, poisonous, risky, severe, terrifying, toxic, unsafe, unstable, venomous

Dark:

atrocious, corrupt, forbidding, foul, infernal, midnight, morbid, ominous, sinful, sinister, somber, threatening, twilight, vile, wicked, abject, alarming, appalling, baleful, bizarre, bleak, bloodcurdling, boding evil, chilling, cold, condemned, creepy, damned, daunting, demented, desolate, dire, dismal, disturbing, doomed, dour, dread, dreary, dusk, eerie, fear, fearsome, frightening, ghastly, ghostly, ghoulish, gloom, gloomy, grave, grim, grisly, gruesome, hair-raising, haunted, hideous, hopeless, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrific, horrifying, horror, ill-fated, ill-omened, ill-starred, inauspicious, inhospitable, looming, lost, macabre, malice, malignant, menacing, murky, mysterious, night, panic, pessimistic, petrifying, scary, shadows, shadowy, shade, shady, shocking, soul-destroying, sour, spine-chilling, spine-tingling, strange, terrifying, uncanny, unearthly, unlucky, unnatural, unnerving, weird, wretched

Delicious:

enticing, exquisite, luscious, lush, rich, savory, sweet, tasty, tempting, appetizing, delectable, flavorsome, full of flavor, juicy, lip-smacking, mouth-watering, piquant, relish, ripe, salty, spicy, scrummy, scrumptious, succulent, tangy, tart, tasty, yummy, zesty

Ecstasy:

delectation, delirium, elation, euphoria, fervor, frenzy, joy, rapture, transport, bliss, excitement, happiness, heaven, high, paradise, rhapsody, thrill, blissful, delighted, elated, extremely happy, in raptures (of delight), in seventh heaven, jubilant, on cloud nine, overexcited, overjoyed, rapturous, thrilled

Ecstatic:

delirious, enraptured, euphoric, fervent, frenzied, joyous, transported, wild

Erotic:

amatory, amorous, aphrodisiac, carnal, earthy, erogenous, fervid, filthy, hot, impassioned, lascivious, lecherous, lewd, raw, romantic, rousing, salacious, seductive, sensual, sexual, spicy, steamy, stimulating, suggestive, titillating, voluptuous, tantalizing

Gasp:

catch of breath, choke, gulp, heave, inhale, pant, puff, snort, wheeze, huff, rasp, sharp intake of air, short of breath, struggle for breath, swallow, winded 

Heated:

ardent, avid, excited, fervent, fervid, fierce, fiery, frenzied, furious, impassioned, intense, passionate, raging, scalding, scorched, stormy, tempestuous, vehement, violent, ablaze, aflame, all-consuming, blazing, blistering, burning, crazed, explosive, febrile, feverish, fired up, flaming, flushed, frantic, hot, hot-blooded, impatient, incensed, maddening, obsessed, possessed, randy, searing, sizzling, smoldering, sweltering, torrid, turbulent, volatile, worked up, zealous

Hunger:

appetite, ache, craving, gluttony, greed, longing, lust, mania, mouth-watering, ravenous, voracious, want, yearning, thirst

Hungry:

avid, carnivorous, covetous, craving, eager, greedy, hungered, rapacious, ravenous, starved, unsatisfied, voracious, avaricious, desirous, famished, grasping, insatiable, keen, longing, predatory, ravening, starving, thirsty, wanting

Intense:

forceful, severe, passionate, acute, agonizing, ardent, anxious, biting, bitter, burning, close, consuming, cutting, deep, eager, earnest, excessive, exquisite, extreme, fervent, fervid, fierce, forcible, great, harsh, impassioned, keen, marked, piercing, powerful, profound, severe, sharp, strong, vehement, violent, vivid, vigorous

Liquid:

damp, cream, creamy, dripping, ichorous, juicy, moist, luscious, melted, moist, pulpy, sappy, soaking, solvent, sopping, succulent, viscous, wet / aqueous, broth, elixir, extract, flux, juice, liquor, nectar, sap, sauce, secretion, solution, vitae, awash, moisture, boggy, dewy, drenched, drip, drop, droplet, drowning, flood, flooded, flowing, fountain, jewel, leaky, milky, overflowing, saturated, slick, slippery, soaked, sodden, soggy, stream, swamp, tear, teardrop, torrent, waterlogged, watery, weeping

Lithe:

agile, lean, pliant, slight, spare, sinewy, slender, supple, deft, fit, flexible, lanky, leggy, limber, lissom, lissome, nimble, sinuous, skinny, sleek, slender, slim, svelte, trim, thin, willowy, wiry

Moan:

beef, cry, gripe, grouse, grumble, lament, lamentation, plaint, sob, wail, whine, bemoan, bewail, carp, deplore, grieve, gripe, grouse, grumble, keen, lament, sigh, sob, wail, whine, mewl

Moving:

(exciting,) affecting, effective  arousing, awakening, breathless, dynamic, eloquent, emotional, emotive, expressive, fecund, far-out, felt in gut, grabbed by, gripping, heartbreaking, heartrending, impelling, impressive, inspirational, meaningful, mind-bending, mind-blowing, motivating, persuasive, poignant, propelling, provoking, quickening, rallying, rousing, significant, stimulating, simulative, stirring, stunning, touching, awe-inspiring, energizing, exhilarating, fascinating, heart pounding, heart stopping, inspiring, riveting, thrilling

Need:

compulsion, demand, desperate, devoir, extremity, impatient longing, must, urge, urgency / desire, appetite, avid, burn, craving, eagerness, fascination, greed, hunger, insatiable, longing, lust, taste, thirst, voracious, want, yearning, ache, addiction, aspiration, desire, fever, fixation, hankering, hope, impulse, inclination, infatuation, itch, obsession, passion, pining, wish, yen

Pain: 

ache, afflict, affliction, agony, agonize, anguish, bite, burn, chafe, distress, fever, grief, hurt, inflame, laceration, misery, pang, punish, sting, suffering, tenderness, throb, throe, torment, torture, smart

Painful:

aching, agonizing, arduous, awful, biting, burning, caustic, dire, distressing, dreadful, excruciating, extreme, grievous, inflamed, piercing, raw, sensitive, severe, sharp, tender, terrible, throbbing, tormenting, angry, bleeding, bloody, bruised, cutting, hurting, injured, irritated, prickly, skinned, smarting, sore, stinging, unbearable, uncomfortable, upsetting, wounded

Perverted: 

aberrant, abnormal, corrupt, debased, debauched, defiling, depraved, deviant, monstrous, tainted, twisted, vicious, warped, wicked, abhorrent, base, decadent, degenerate, degrading, dirty, disgusting, dissipated, dissolute, distasteful, hedonistic, immodest, immoral, indecent, indulgent, licentious, nasty, profligate, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, shameful, shameless, sickening, sinful, smutty, sordid, unscrupulous, vile 

Pleasurable:

charming, gratifying, luscious, satisfying, savory, agreeable, delicious, delightful, enjoyable, nice, pleasant, pleasing, soothing, succulent

Pleasure:

bliss, delight, gluttony, gratification, relish, satisfaction, thrill, adventure, amusement, buzz, contentment, delight, desire, ecstasy, enjoyment, excitement, fun, happiness, harmony, heaven, joy, kick, liking, paradise, seventh heaven 

Rapacious:

avaricious, ferocious, furious, greedy, predatory, ravening, ravenous, savage, voracious, aggressive, gluttonous, grasping, insatiable, marauding, plundering

Rapture:

bliss, ecstasy, elation, exaltation, glory, gratification, passion, pleasure, floating, unbridled joy

Rigid:

adamant, austere, definite, determined, exact, firm, hard, rigorous, solid, stern, uncompromising, unrelenting, unyielding, concrete, fixed, harsh, immovable, inflexible, obstinate, resolute, resolved, severe, steadfast, steady, stiff, strong, strict, stubborn, taut, tense, tight, tough, unbending, unchangeable, unwavering

Sudden:

abrupt, accelerated, acute, fast, flashing, fleeting, hasty, headlong, hurried, immediate, impetuous, impulsive, quick, quickening, rapid, rash, rushing, swift, brash, brisk, brusque, instant, instantaneous, out of the blue, reckless, rushed, sharp, spontaneous, urgent, without warning

Thrust:

(forward) advance, drive, forge, impetus, impulsion, lunge, momentum, onslaught, poke, pressure, prod, propulsion, punch, push, shove, power, proceed, progress, propel

(push hard) assail, assault, attack, bear down, buck, drive, force, heave, impale, impel, jab, lunge, plunge, press, pound, prod, ram, shove, stab, transfix, urge, bang, burrow, cram, gouge, jam, pierce, punch, slam, spear, spike, stick

Thunder-struck:

amazed, astonished, aghast, astounded, awestruck, confounded, dazed, dazed, dismayed, overwhelmed, shocked, staggered, startled, stunned, gob-smacked, bewildered, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, horrified, incredulous, surprised, taken aback 

Torment:

agony, anguish, hurt, misery, pain, punishment, suffering, afflict, angst, conflict, distress, grief, heartache, misfortune, nightmare, persecute, plague, sorrow, strife, tease, test, trial, tribulation, torture, turmoil, vex, woe

Touch:

(physical) - blow, brush, caress, collide, come together, contact, converge, crash, cuddle, embrace, feel, feel up, finger, fondle, frisk, glance, glide, graze, grope, handle, hit, hug, impact, join, junction, kiss, lick, line, manipulate, march, massage, meet, nudge, palm, partake, pat, paw, peck, pet, pinch, probe, push, reach, rub, scratch, skim, slide, smooth, strike, stroke, suck, sweep, tag, tap, taste, thumb, tickle, tip, touching, toy, bite, bump, burrow, buss, bury, circle, claw, clean, clutch, cover, creep, crush, cup, curl, delve, dig, drag, draw, ease, edge, fiddle with, flick, flit, fumble, grind, grip, grub, hold, huddle, knead, lap, lave, lay a hand on, maneuver, manhandle, mash, mold, muzzle, neck, nestle, nibble, nip, nuzzle, outline, play, polish, press, pull, rasp, ravish, ream, rim, run, scoop, scrabble, scrape, scrub, shave, shift, shunt, skate, slip, slither, smack, snake, snuggle, soothe, spank, splay, spread, squeeze, stretch, swipe, tangle, tease, thump, tongue, trace, trail, tunnel twiddle, twirl, twist, tug, work, wrap 

(mental) - communicate, examine, inspect, perception, scrutinize

Wet:

bathe, bleed, burst, cascade, course, cover, cream, damp, dampen, deluge, dip, douse, drench, dribble, drip, drizzle, drool, drop, drown, dunk, erupt, flood, flow, gush, immerse, issue, jet, leach, leak, moisten, ooze, overflow, permeate, plunge, pour, rain, rinse, run, salivate, saturate, secrete, seep, shower, shoot, slaver, slobber, slop, slosh, sluice, spill, soak, souse, spew, spit, splash, splatter, spout, spray, sprinkle, spurt, squirt, steep, stream, submerge, surge, swab, swamp, swill, swim, trickle, wash, water

Wicked:

abominable, amoral, atrocious, awful, base, barbarous, dangerous, debased, depraved, distressing, dreadful, evil, fearful, fiendish, fierce, foul, heartless, hazardous, heinous, immoral, indecent, intense, mean, nasty, naughty, nefarious, offensive, profane, scandalous, severe, shameful, shameless, sinful, terrible, unholy, vicious, vile, villainous, wayward, bad, criminal, cruel, deplorable, despicable, devious, ill-intentioned, impious, impish, iniquitous, irreverent, loathsome, Machiavellian, mad, malevolent, malicious, merciless, mischievous, monstrous, perverse, ruthless, spiteful, uncaring, unkind, unscrupulous, vindictive, virulent, wretched

Writhe: 

agonize, bend, jerk, recoil, lurch, plunge, slither, squirm, struggle, suffer, thrash, thresh, twist, wiggle, wriggle, angle, arc, bow, buck, coil, contort, convulse, curl, curve, fidget, fight, flex, go into spasm, grind, heave, jiggle, jolt, kick, rear, reel, ripple, resist, roll, lash, lash out, screw up, shake, shift, slide, spasm, stir, strain, stretch, surge, swell, swivel, thrust, turn violently, tussle, twitch, undulate, warp, worm, wrench, wrestle, yank 

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