I Need Help

I need help <3 I read this quote that went something like "Look at you, writing all the words you want to hear." Or "Look at you, saying all the things you wish would be said to you." But clearly, that's not what the quote said because google is being especially unhelpful. I think it was said by an old author, but I don't know for sure. Does anyone have any idea in the slightest of the quote I might be talking about? :)

I’ve been listening to the rain, envious of how it always has the courage to fall, and I’ve sewn breaths into my heart where I let you in, but loneliness is a loyal lover who always stays the night. sometimes I feel like I haven’t been home in years. Some days I exist only in my dreams. Will you love me even when I’m drowning? Will you swim to the depths and love me there? How do I stop living in my heartbreak? I like watching sunsets because the sun deserves a goodbye too. I’m tired and the earth doesn’t fit inside me anymore, but I always thought it would be okay as long as you don’t like crowded places.

I hope you find steady hands, gentle eyes, & the softest love your heart can hold.

most dreams are forgotten

(flavors: red wool, swollen eyes, unrequited love)

About:

It is almost father’s day and this year I have realized I was never the child he wanted. The open slices in my skin turning to fights and mud puddles and strawberry juice that dries on my hands like ink.

When you look at me, will you still see your child once I am covered in someone else’s blood and hanging by my neck from the chandelier in our favorite restaurant? Once my hair is long enough to braid and my eyes are no longer swollen from sleepless nights reciting the copy of Ovid I smuggled out of the library by candlelight.

I have been in love with a boy since 10th grade and he still thinks I see him as a brother. I draw him when he thinks I’m not looking when it is just me and a piece of charcoal and the way I see his smile. But he only sees the girls with auroral eyes and birthstone chokers, the ones who wear leather jackets and laugh like they belong here. I am too full of bones and dirty cheeks and shameful memories. Am too good at spending my lunches in the bathroom, holding my breath when the door opens to smother my tears.

Last night I dreamt I belonged to a different body, one that made more sense when standing next to the people I love. On my knees in front of a burning altar of lemon peel and eagle feathers, asking to be reborn as a disciple of Apollo. Something caught up in the wildness of it all, in the way the sun beats like a heart and my throat loosens when I run through the rhododendrons fast enough.

I think the heat has been getting to me lately, making me see lives I could have lived if I had only been brave enough - if he had only loved me for the child I was and not the one he insisted upon.

i swear that we once spoke about

the inevitable, but our last conversation

replays in my mind as if we didn’t

there wasn’t any name calling

or passage of blame to be felt

but rather something worse

you looked rather exhausted by my presence

and that has always been

one of my greatest fears

the idea that one day, the person

i love more than myself decides that

not only do they wish to leave but

insist that they must

because my existence is no longer

something that they deem vital anymore

(that night i cried for him on the floor) // kira malibu

the gardener, mary oliver

“you changed” yes, I realized my worth & fell in love with the stars.

s.s. (stephenstilwell)