The Gardener, Mary Oliver

the gardener, mary oliver

My mother tells me it is not me she dosent trust out in the world but rather that she does not trust the world with me.

And I learn from a young age what a privilege it is to be endangered.

To be wanted into extinction.

To be desired into oblivion.

In this same way my grandmother tells me that sometimes honesty sounds alot like silence.

That sometimes the truth is quiet.

In this same way my sister teaches me that forgiveness comes when she is ready.

~

Most days there is only forgiveness.

Cupped in my palms

Trying to stop it from trickling through my fingers.

I sip it every morning

Which is to say I seek forgiveness

From myself

Everytime I dare show my face to the sky again.

With the knowledge that I will inevitably break promises I made to me

That I will inevitably transgress against the girl I could become

And every morning I ask for her mercy

But she cannot grant it to me

For I have not granted her existence yet

And in this way I live in sin

~

Self destruction dares to taste foreign on my lips

Like rotting cherries

But how much easier it is to relearn old habits the second time around

When the mouth still tastes like burning teeth

~

I flinch so violently at the sound of my name

daring to disturb the molecules of the ether with something so undeserved

Petals fall from grace

It is my fault

Always my fault

Oh rebellious bones

How my blood blisters my veins

I think this is the way

Love moves

~

and this is how it ends

the last notes of my blood composed of subpar symphonies finally slip out into the void

my radio static heartbeat fades to quiet

and this is how it ends

in my final moments

the universe sings me to sleep

with one last lesson

my mother never had the words to teach me

and the endless silence of the infinite

caresses me into oblivion.

i exhale one last shooting star

weightless at last

as i disintegrate into the galaxy

with the realization of what a beautiful mercy

it is

to be forgotten

~

poetry dump of random lines that mean nothing in particular unless you'd like them to

-

"It's like you're ashamed of me or--"

He scoffs shaking his head and running a hand through his perfect hair.  Damn that hair. "Of course! Of course, you would find a way to make this about you ONCE AGAIN!"

"Well considering it's me you're lying about I would say that yeah! This is about me!"

"No, it's not!" And before I can retort Adam's voice breaks and any words I had loaded to fire back dissipate. Suddenly I am looking at him. Not just who I have always seen him as: my enemy. A rival. The boy with the stupid perfect hair who hated me. But who he is in this moment. In this moment he is young. And lost. His dark lashes damp, his waterline barely holding back tears.

"This is not about you, Kai." And for the first time in a long time, I have nothing to say to him.

"It was just so easy for you to tell me how it was going to be, wasn't it? You get your mark one day and suddenly I'm playing by your rules? I've had my mark for years, Kai! Years! The marks come when their bearer is ready. Even if they don't know they are." He adds. As though reading my mind.

How many times since my mark appeared, a streak of iridescent midnight blue across my wrist, had I asked myself 'why now'? Why not the years I begged to be loved when I was younger. When I was alone and needed someone more than ever. Why now, when I was planning to move across the world after graduation. Finally content with my solitude. In fact, craving it most days?

"And I've been ready for so long." Kai interrupts my train of thought. "So stupidly desperate to be wanted. So fucking eager to have someone who knew me and saw me and," his face contorts, "loved me." A tear streaks down his cheek and he doesn't brush it away. I fight the desire to do it for him.

"I have loved my soulmate for years. Constructing what they might be like or look like or do for fun over and over. And then deconstructing all those expectations because-- it didn't matter. It didn't matter what they looked like or who they were or whether they liked the same books as me. All that mattered was that I would have them. And I would love them no matter who they turned out to be. And it really could have been anybody because I had searched every soul mate forum out there and no one had a matching mark. But that was okay because I was okay to be patient. So much for good things come to those who wait. What crap." More tears fall and get his voice stays clear and for some reason my chest aches.

"And of course, like an idiot, I still drove myself mad imagining what it might be like to see them smile for the first time. Rehearsing the first words I would say to them in the mirror every day for the past 3 years."

Adam's gaze hardens, and I hadn't realized how whistful it had been just a moment ago until it was gone. 

"And then you show up before class outside my first-period history at 8 am like any of my brain cells are even awake yet and pull me into the hallway and tell me you got your mark last night and you're my soulmate-- BUT ITS FINE BECAUSE we'll just ignore it and we can leave each other in peace, mkay?" He grits his teeth.

"And you just stick out your hand like we just finished a debate tournament or something but I couldn't think. Couldn't understand. Couldn't breathe, Kai. I stopped listening after the whole 'I'm your soulmate' bomb. Because how long had I been waiting for this exact moment? And I could not believe it. Would not. And I tell you that the lie isint funny. And you shove your wrist out at me rolling up your sleeve. And I hadn't even noticed you were wearing your sleeves down. You always wear them pushed up to the elbow like some cocky playboy asshole. And of course, it matched the one painted across my neck perfectly. The one I had worn proudly forever. Making sure it peaked through every single one of my uniform collars just in case someone recognized it. Always just in case. And then everything I have ever dreamed of shows up wearing the face of the person who hates me most. Speaking in the voice of someone who has cursed my name too many times to count. And how many dreams were shattered that morning? Of my soulmate saying they loved me. For now, how could those words ever slip out of your lips as anything but a cruel joke. And isint that what this all is? A huge fucking cosmic joke."

"Adam," I begin, but realize I have no idea what to say. "You didn't say anything. I-- I didn't know."

His lip curls and my stomach sinks.

"No. Because you didn't give me much of a choice did you. You came to me with a whole plan to ignore fate because-- that's just how much you hated me. What was I supposed to say, Kai? Oh no! Wait! Do you think you could try to love me and not crush all my childhood dreams, please? Did you want me to beg you to stay? To try? To love me unconditionally, the way I imagined my soulmate always would, even though you hate every bone in my body?" His voice is raw and he is too quiet. Too quiet. "Despite what you think I'm not that cruel. So I shook your hand and agreed to peace even though I knew I would never know peace now. Never."

"Adam,"

"Save it, Kai. I don't want your pity. But if I want to tell people my soulmate lives in Australia or Londen or freaking Antarctica, I will. If I want to tell people they have blue eyes or gold or eyes that look like pools of melted jade stones. I will. If I want to tell them they're 6'7 or 5'1 or an astronaut or a baker or a poet, I will. And if build an image of a soulmate who GOD FORBID, loves me, and looks nothing like you and that hurts your feelings then that is not my problem. I am going to keep dreaming up ideas of my soulmate forever because thanks to you thats all I will ever have now. My imagination. Because a soulmate is someone who loves you. And God knows you've made it clear you can't. Or won't. Or never will. "

I try to interject but he pushes on.

"And don't you dare try to talk to me being ashamed of you. How many people have you told that I'm your soulmate to? How many people have you told you've finally got your mark to at all, hm?"

I shift on my feet uncomfortably.

"Thats what I thought." His voice hitches.

Not being able to look him in the eye I glance down and notice his hands are shaking. His palms curl into fists and I look up to find him watching me.

"Just don't tell anyone we have the same mark. It's only half a year. And then-- And then you're moving anyway, right?"

I think the question is rhetorical but I nod anyway. Shaken and mind spinning.

"Good." His voice is hollow. "And then we'll be rid of each other. Until then keep your mouth shut and leave me alone. And I'll ignore this and--" he runs a hand through his slightly curled hair trying to compose himself I assume, "and I'll keep up my end of the bargain." He half spits the last word.

He looks at me for a moment, then two. I don't know what I'm thinking or seeing. I don't know what just happened. How did all of this--

He straightens his shoulders and turns to go back inside not waiting for a response.

"No, we won't," I say. The only thing that comes to my mind in this split moment to make him stay a second longer. I tell myself it's because I still need to process.

He pauses. "What?" His back is still to me.

"Be rid of each other." I manage. "We won't. Even if I move--" I correct myself. "When I move. The whole soul mate thing, remember."

"How could I forget," he half laughs. He looks up at the cloudy sky still faced away from me. It's going to start raining soon.

I ignore the jab. "I meant-- Our lives are destined to be intertwined forever. Or as long as we live I guess."

A beat passes. "Maybe I'll just have to kill you then." But there is only dry humour in his voice. And a tinge of sorrow.

"I'd like to see you try." I push out a brittle smile taking a few wary steps toward him until I'm in front of him.

His eyes are closed as the first few drops of rain begin to fall.

"Who knows. Maybe I'm meant to bother you till the end. Annoy you to death or something." I breathe.

Adam's forehead creases before he sighs and opens his eyes. "God knows if anyone could do that it's you."

He looks at me and the rain begins to trickle down a little harder but he ignores it. So I do too.

"So is your plan just to have us ignore our marks and each other forever?"

I pick at the scab behind my ear. A constantly reappearing mark considering I irritate it every time I'm nervous.

Adam suddenly wraps his fingers around my wrist and tugs it away from my ear.

"Stop that." He murmurs, "it annoys the fuck out of me when you do that. You get blood underneath your fingernails and it's wholly unprofessional."

He drops my wrist and I glance down and where his fingers once were as though expecting a lingering mark as proof that he touched me. Of course, there is nothing there.

"I didn't think this through."

"Clearly." He scoffs.

I don't roll my eyes though. "When I saw the mark-- I panicked."

When I look at him, I find him looking back, with no mocking in his gaze. I realize he is actually listening. I realize how desperate he must be for an explanation. I take a deep breath. The rain is picking up and droplets splatter our uniforms but it's still warm.

"When realized-- all could imagine is your disgust when I told you. I had seen you light up every time the topic of soulmates was ever brought up. All I could see is your disappointment. And I considered just-- not telling you. I did. For all of 5 minutes. Because some part of me needed to tell you. Wanted to. Begged to. If it ever got out, I didn't want you to be blindsided by it. And even if your mere existence next to mine makes my skin prick and your Little Mr. Perfect act makes my blood boil, and your stupid beautiful hair makes me want to yank every follicle from your scalp--" I realize I'm ranting and my cheeks heat as I chastise myself. "Despite all of this, I still respect you. And I didn't want you to be the last to know. I thought at the very least you deserved the truth. But I couldn't go to you empty-handed knowing all I would get in return is your dismay. So I came up with the 'we'll just ignore everything and pretend it doesn't exist so maybe it'll go away' thing as a solution. A peace offering sort of."

It's pouring now and I have to talk over the rain. I shake my head and let out a breathy laugh. "Seems stupid now. I thought I was making it better and I made it so much worse. I mean I've always wanted to ruin your life but not like this." I meant it as a joke but no laugh comes. "Not like this." I search his eyes for some semblance of understanding. Pleading with him to know this is not what I meant to happen.

The rain has soaked us now and rivets run down his face. And his once perfect hair is drenched. Curls more defined and unkept and still somehow beautiful.

I try again. "I've wanted to crush a lot of your dreams. But not this one. You have to believe me."

He tugs my wrist away from my ear and I hadn't even realized I had been picking at it again. His hands are wet but warm on my skin. He doesn't let go of my wrist this time. And he's still so quiet, I can't bear it.

"Adam. It was stupid of me. I was so stupid. Not because it's ludicrous to try and deny destiny but because I couldn't ignore you if I wanted to. Whenever you're within 50 fucking feet of me you're all I think about. I wasn't thinking. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're never going to get the perfect soulmate you dreamed of." And for some reason, I'm shouting over the rain, and I feel tears streaming down my face. The rain rinses them away. "I'm sorry I can't be perfect or everything you imagined. I'm sorry you're stuck with me forever--" a cry is stuck in my through and I sob wiping angrily at my eyes.

Suddenly arms are around me, firm and steady, and I know it's him but I can't find it in me to be shocked or angry or relieved. I hadn't even begun to think about the prospective soulmate I had lost to this. But suddenly I am. Of course, he would be heartbroken. How insensitive had I been? God knows I would have felt the same way. In fact that some part of me does feel that same way. The sorrow suffered sinking into my bones. The one person you are promised to have forever hates you. Forever. It's like we're grieving this loss of potential together. And then I realize.

"I don't hate you." My voice is weak as I come to the revelation, mumbled against his wet uniform sweater my statement is nothing over the rain. Adam pats my head gently and awkwardly.

I push away, breathing harder. He needs to know this. The rest of our lives is a long time and this being the thing that makes him miserable for all of it seems like-- no fun. Too easy. A cop-out. There are a million other ways I have up my sleeve to get to him and this cannot be it. It can't.

I grip his soaking collar and pull him down an inch. He's shocked, eyes wide.

"I don't hate you!" I say over the pattering on the cement louder than ever. "I hate your perfect hair. I hate the way you always think you're right and that most of the time you are. I hate the fact that nothing seems to get to you. I hate the fact that you're better in math than me and that the gym teacher loves you and never makes you do extra laps. I hate the fact that you don't have social media cause you 'don't that that validation' or some crap, but I do. I do. I hate that in our debate tournaments you can stay calm all the way through no matter how awful the topic is because I can't do that and I always end up raising my voice and getting points docked. I hate that I can't tell when you care or if you ever do. I hate that you're never looking at me when I look at you because you can just forget that I'm there and I can't forget that you are. I hate that I think about you more than I should and that I probably never even cross your mind because you have so many better things to think about than a petty rivalry. I hate that you somehow make even our barf brown summer uniforms look good. Okay? I hate a lot of things about you and most of them are more about me and maybe I need to work on that but I don't hate you. I don't hate you."

I realize I've been screaming in his face and am honestly thrown by the words that have just come out of my mouth. I move to release his collar and step back but he grabs both my wrists and I freeze.

"You think about me?"

I tell myself to scowl but I can't. I tell myself the heat crawling up my neck is irritation and nothing else.

"Yes, okay, I know. Stupid me. Stupid stupid me who--"

"You are stupid." Adam breathes. Warm air brushing my face, where my nose and cheeks grow colder by the minute. "So incredibly stupid if you think I can ever forget you. So terribly stupid if you think that you never cross my mind. Probably slightly insane if you think this is just a petty rivalry I waste my time on." A smile pricks at the edges of his lips and my heart shudders. "I'm a very busy man, and so if I'm going to have a nemesis they best be damn worth it. The rivalry best be glorious."

"I'm glad to have met your expectations then," I whisper rain dripping down my lips and I can't look away from the droplets running down his mouth either. And this is all so insane, I can't be thinking straight but I reach a hand for his lips and brush a droplet or two away and his fingers around my wrist loosen but don't leave. His eyes flicker closed and he turns very still.

"Adam." This cold and wet must be getting to my brain because I have no idea who I am when I rest my hands on both sides of his face. His hands fall from my wrists and he's squeezing his eyes shut. Like he's trying to block out this moment. But we both know how well the ignoring thing goes for us. "I may not be the dream come true you expected. But nightmares are still dreams too you know."

He cringes peeling open his eyes. "Was that supposed to be comforting? Are you saying you're my nightmare come true? You know just called yourself a nightmare right?"

I blink. "Okay, that sounded a lot better in my head. I meant--"

He pulls my right hand away from its home behind my ear and I wince having not noticed once again. This time he intertwines our fingers. My other hand is still resting on his cheek and he leans into the touch. I bite back a tiny gasp.

"Kai, you are so incredibly stupid sometimes."

"Hey--" I want to shoot back but it is just a whisper.

"Kai, can you shut up for a sec. I think I'm going to kiss you."

He's looking at me and I'm looking at him and for a moment enemies or soulmates don't matter. Forever doesn't matter. Just this moment.

"Okay," I'm staring openly at his lips and I tell myself I'm shaking cause of the rain

"Okay," he replies and his free hand is behind my neck and it's cool and damp against my skin but I can focus on nothing but his lips against mine and he's kissing me. Softly at first and our shared breath is the only part of us that is still warm. He tastes of rain but also lingering salty tears. And I'm kissing him back, hard. He nearly stumbles but doesn't. I break away sooner than I mean to, rain everywhere has choking us.

"Kai," he breathes and something in me flutters at the sound of my name on his tongue. And lips. Lips that have just been on mine. Holy shit.

"Yeah," he exhales. "Holy shit."

I hadn't realized I had sworn aloud.

"It's raining," is all I can bear to reply with my head spinning.

Adam makes a face, "No shit, Sherlock."

I scowl and push away, taking in a handful of his uniform. "We're soaked now. You're going to catch a cold. We probably already have pneumonia--"

"Like that's my fault! You're the one who dragged me out here to complain about my soulmate fantasies."

I cringe. "Fair enough. I'm-- I'm sorry about that. But can you blame me--"

"Yes. Yes I can. And I do."

"Yeah yeah. Clearly nothing has changed in that department." I tug on our still clasped hands. "Well come on, I've already missed French and I can't go into my Law class like this."

He follows me making some joke about how I wouldn't look any less unkempt than I usually do if I did but I'm only half listening.

"Adam," I glance back at him

"Yeah?"

"The whole soul mate thing...I mean it. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted or imagined, and I know the whole kiss thing was misleading," I feel the blush creap up my neck and curse myself, "But I don't think I can be-- or like-- I mean--"

He cuts me off, "Kai. Don't be an idiot. I don't want perfect. And God knows you're not."

I flip him the bird with my free hand and he goes on.

"I just wanted--" He shakes his head as though trying to sift through all the thoughts then seems to give up but for some reason, he doesn't need to say anything. I know exactly what he means.

"I get it," I say. We reach the school doors and pause. I turn to find him staring at our joint hands.

"Do you?" Adam asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I do," I say. "But you know you're going to have a lot of explaining to do after all those stories you told about this perfect soul mate who was a poet from Londen with blue eyes-- or was it the baker from Antarctica who was taller than--"

Adam winces but all he says is "For your information, their eyes were brown. In every version. Exactly like yours."

And it is then I think, whatever we are, we are going to be okay.

Prompt

In this world, you have a mark on your body of who your soulmate is destined to be. It’s inevitable, no matter how much some people don’t like their soulmate at first. It can be platonic or romantic, but your souls are intertwined for life. Some people try to ignore it, while some people try to change it. But it’s unchanging.

Your find your mark one day, and to your despair, you notice that your sworn enemy has the same mark.

Not wanting to make your lives into an overdone trope, you go up to them and make a truce, saying that you’ll both ignore your marks and leave each other in peace. You both agree to this and life goes on.

Until one day, you catch them lying about their mark, and that. Is. So. Not. Cool.

-Mod Krystal @krystalanh16 on instagram

hi! so I read your story with the soulmates are enemies prompt and I really like it!! it's amazing and I felt inspired to write something similar and post it on Instagram. So I wondered if it was okay for me to credit you in the caption somewhere as well as the Instagram page that made the prompt? :)

AHH, it's my favourite thing in the world when someone is inspired by something I wrote! If you want to tag me on Instagram my handle is @tahira_rajwani or you can put down my Tumblr handle :)) I cant wait to read what you've written!!

And is it not the brightest stars

That burn out the quickest

That birth the most beautiful destructions

- Supernova unbecoming// All the stars are already ghosts// And in this way was Starry Night not an obituary

I haven't been sleeping well these days. There is catastrophe blossoming beneath my skin. I live in fear of the person I am always just one mistake away from becoming.