Aimie Atkinson - Tumblr Posts

aimie and genesis invented romance and being in love

Fuck it, adding more since I can’t help myself.

So I’ve been a fan of this show for years, way before the Broadway version came out, so my first experience with all of these songs was animatics of the original cast recordings.

I know a lot of people prefer the live versions because of the extra emotions, this song especially, but the original recording gives me a vibe I haven’t seen matched by a live performance so far. Samantha Pauly’s version of All You Wanna Do gives me the impression that she hasn’t yet realized how fucked up her life was until the final chorus. The emotions on display are raw and unprocessed, which is understandably quite appealing. It helps you better relate to the character and makes you feel like you are living through this moment with her. But the Cast Recording, the one sung by Aimie Atkinson, gives me the impression of someone who has known for a while.

Samantha’s Howard is scared, she is lashing out in anger, yes, but also fear. Aimie’s Howard shows a subtler kind of anger. She is angry at herself for not realizing sooner, she is angry at her abusers for every time they used her for their own benefit, she is angry at the world for the fact that no one stepped in or said anything, but most of all she is angry that there’s nothing she can do to change it. It was over for her from the very first time she was used and she knows it. It is the anger of defeat, of acceptance. She died powerless and alone, villainized in her death as a temptress just like they did with Anne. And yet even in death, all she is known for is how she was used by the men in her life. Sam’s Howard is the new kid on the block, she is still lashing out because she has not realized the consequences of doing so. She’s almost like a rabid animal, running entirely off of instinct. Aimie’s Howard, on the other hand, has been here long enough for the instinct to have mostly faded away, but not entirely. Those little bits of anger still slip out, the little refusals.

I suppose a better way to phrase it is I see Sam’s Howard running away from the hands still trying to grab her, similar to how many have visualized the end of Anne’s song with her running from the guards. But just like with Anne, this is a fruitless endeavor. Aimie’s Howard knows she has no place to go, but that doesn’t stop the pain and anger she feels. It’s like she’s looking at a tsunami coming down on her, knowing it’s too late to run. Knowing all she can do is stand there and let it happen. But knowing doesn’t stop the fear. All you can do is mask it and accept your fate.

Sorry, that was a mess, I’m still having so much trouble wording my feelings about this song because there are so many in my body right now I need them out

The thing that really captivates me about this performance is the lighting and how it mixes with the choreo of the other queens. They are draped in shadow almost the entire time and their faces are specifically obscured whenever they put their hands on Howard. It gives me two distinct impressions, 1. that the men in her life were never genuine with her and always hid their true intentions to get closer to her, and 2. that this was how those men saw Howard, a faceless nobody, pretty enough to be used for their pleasure and then discarded, because she meant nothing to them. She wasn’t a person in their eyes, she was barely more than a shadow.

Also like the specific placement of their hands. At first it’s hands on the shoulders like a controlling parent keeping you in line, then there’s another on the waist from behind, unable to see who’s grabbing you but keeping you pressed against them, facing outwards like a prize to show off but unable to leave, and then they add the ones on the legs, keeping her from running away. All of them focus on hindering movement. They also remind me of puppet strings, which I find interesting as the only part of her without a “string” is her head. The rest of her body is being used against her will but her mind still remains, despite the slowly forming cracks.

This ties in to the order of the placement too. They take her hands first as a metaphor of them leading her down this awful path via their grooming and also to do some of the less than holy acts she describes in her second verse. Then they take her torso, her body, to use for their enjoyment. Lastly they take her legs now that she’s doubting if this is something she’s okay with, if she wants this, so she can’t run away from it. But again, notice that they never take her head, something she herself remarks on in her last verse. They don’t care if they control her thoughts or emotions as long as she’s doing what they want, those don’t matter. Even if she says no, if she says she’s done with this, they own the rest of her, what she says and thinks has no value to them. They tricked her into agreeing while she was young and by the time she realized it was wrong she was already in too deep.

Well, that was depressing. Ask me if you want more thoughts.

@yourboywitch Do you mind if I ask you to weigh in on this? I’m curious what you think