And In All Honesty Im Probably Closer To Being Nott/veth Anyway - Tumblr Posts
is it weird that im scared to watch the forbidden ttrpg? the video starts with me and my character and even though i know i could watch it as many times as i want, watching it seems like the end...the last step. how do i get myself to do it? how to i get myself to watch and actually say goodbye to a character that means so much to me?
this character represents a lot of my own characteristics and a lot of my own insecurities. she is chaotic and makes bad decisions and does petty things and spends a lot of the campaign believing in the back of her head that she’ll always just be seen by her worst characteristics. these are all things i both fear and know are traits that i share. the first time i really broke down in a game was when eris and nyx were having a conversation where nyx finally snapped at her twin for acting without thinking, she could really have hurt ari for what amounted to petty bullshit. eris in that moment just kept thinking about how she will always ruin things for both her and her sister. i ended up crying because i fear this a lot too. i made a character who at the beginning was just “what if i had no anxiety and no attachments besides one person,” along the way i realized that my own character pitch was wrong. eris does have anxiety and her lack of many attachments just makes her more protective about the ones that she has. this is a character that let me be chaotic and stupid as well as make meaningful relationships in and out of the game.
in addition to this character representing a lot of my own traits, eris is a love letter to my sisters. both younger and both reflected heavily in my character. eris started the game at age 17 because at the time that was the age of my younger sister. she started the game in a outfit that i believe i described as looking like “a semi-slutty pirate costume” because that is how i imagine my sister (and honestly both my sisters) would dress in a fantasy setting. eris’s biggest and greatest love is the bond she has with her sister nyx. the game where nyx dies will stick in my mind forever because it just brought to my mind the thought of my irl sisters being in the same position. i consider my self in general to be someone who has little impulse control, but truly my sisters were MUCH more of the inspiration for eris’s bad decision making skills and lack of foresight.
eris darkwater, a character made with a half thought out pitch that even me and arlowe were not completely on the same page on in terms of what i had meant for some aspects of the original character creation, is someone who a year later feels incredibly real and incredibly alive. she embodies my love of storytelling and my own sense of loyalty. she is reckless and chaotic and is very likely to do something just because she thinks it’ll be funny. she has a good heart but is not necessarily a good person. she feels like a real person to me but also i know thats my overthinking. hell, i listen to the stupid spotify playlist i made for her practically everyday. (it’s a very fun playlist)
how do i say goodbye to someone who is both not real and in my head? how do i allow myself to allow the story to end?
maybe i’ll try again tomorrow