Army Of Two - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
omg this is so amazign and awesome yorue so good at drawing and youreso hadnsome i love you your art is gliorious
adre kregman
Zero Day // Haunted Beauty (17+)
Hi ahah so like i havent written for a good while because of stuff lala so i decided to just post a story i already wrote and posted somewhere ele.....just wanted to see something ^_^
//
For what did beauty define, what did it mean to be the belle of the ball or the English rose amongst the green leaves? Beauty meant everything, those who cared for beauty had caked themselves in layers among layers, while for the rest, they felt beauty came from within in which it would blossom higher into something resplendent.
Aristotle had stated that beauty is “symmetry,” Plato once said that beauty was that quality or qualities in people’s bodies in which they cause love and passion. To define love was the satisfaction which arises in the mind upon contemplating anything beautiful.
Beauty was viewed in all sorts of ways, but the trueness of beauty was to accept those around them, to accept that maybe life is something everybody should learn to love and admire, for real beauty comes from those lovely thoughts forming in everybody’s mind.
Everything has beauty, not nobody ever sees it, Confucius quotes. Calvin never saw his own beauty, for years, he’s regretted everything up to this point, he knows that people around him don’t seem to recognize their own beautiful selves either, he knows that in a world such as this, he wasn’t alone.
From the day he was born, his parents would remind him of the words that came out of the doctors and nurses mouths the second he cried out.
“My...he’s a beautiful little boy. You are so lucky, Mr and Mrs Gabriel.”
All anyone ever saw was his physical beauty, no one dared to look further than that. But there was so much more, beauty extends further beyond any physical appearance. Those who learn to love themselves quickly find that wonderful feeling deep inside.
They call Calvin the daughter of Aphrodite, but he just doesn’t understand what they see in him to make them utter those words out loud, Aphrodite was known to be the most beautiful being in history.
Everything around Calvin, he found to be beautiful. Music was beautiful, it centers around the different and unique instruments. Words were often beautiful, they were filled with such authenticity, they forge such deep feelings of graveity to everything. The world, at times, was far more beautiful than anything else, the arts, the sights, those who dream to be something big in the world, all of it was beautiful.
The infuriating fire inside of his body was burning bright with every little sense of passion he felt in that very moment. What was beauty if not the combination of life that makes living beautiful?
Calvin never sought life to be so exciting, the engraving images of not wanting to live were carved so deep into his skull, he had almost forgotten what it meant to appreciate things as they were.
Beauty was something he felt he was missing out on throughout his life, he didn’t think of himself as something worth beautiful, but his friend, how Andre Kriegman managed to look like a sacred piece of art even while presenting himself as someone who was beaten up as well as beating up whoever he felt deserved it.
Deep inside, he observed the silent movements and gestures that were present in Andre’s presence, the slimness of his waist while still showing some muscular features, how even while his face was covered and painted with small red dots, his eyes showed a simple boy who just needed to be recognized.
Andre was this beautiful creature that Calvin needed more of, he was going to be the person to truly see his real potential.
The ideas of Zero Day, the planning and the results they were both hoping for, all came from Andre’s mind, Calvin’s as well, but he always found Andre’s mind to be most beautiful. Everything and anything he had done, Calvin worshiped more than anything.
Those embarrassing moments they witnessed together, Calvin grew flustered and hid away any sign of him wanting to admire his best friend more. The way he talked to Andre, how sensual it felt at times.
Romance was such a beautiful feeling, it was this feeling of excitement and mystery in which it connected with love, someone being romantic was a person who thought so much about what love was and would then do or say things that express any strong feelings of love towards somebody.
But lust, it was this strong sexual desire for somebody in which they found that other person to be sexually attractive and longed to share those desires with them, finding that one special person in life was so exuberating.
Calvin often dreamt of finding that one person he’s been yearning and longing for, he had envisioned their meetups to be so many different things, he just wasn’t expecting it to happen so suddenly in his life, but he felt that with how much he begged, maybe somebody had heard him and decided to finally do some good in his life.
Finding Andre was like finding the other half of his heart and mind, and while he tended to be more of the explosive one, it still made Calvin feel whole and at peace for once. They told each other absolutely everything, from their family life to their very own lives, discussing their struggles and their frustration with everybody they hated.
Who knew it was so simple and easy to just find the right person. Maybe in the perfect moment, at the right time, in the right place, he had never lost hope in finding him, no matter how long it would’ve taken if he had stopped right then and there.
After four years of them becoming friends, they had devised this plan in which they would soon get rid of all of their problems as well as themselves. They had called it Operation Zero Day, to Andre, it was a way to remove those who cause him great problems, but to Calvin, Zero Day was simply just a suicide mission, he didn’t want to bear the struggling any longer and just wanted to put an end into it all.
The saying that with the right person in the right moment, one is able to make the right decisions because of finding that one special somebody, Calvin found it foolish at first, he couldn’t believe that people actually felt that as long as they had their someone, they would suddenly stop the insane outbursts.
He didn’t realize it was really true until he met Andre.
After five years of friendship, the two thought they were better off together as one, and it made Calvin incredibly giddy from that day onward.
Yet how come in this moment, how come in this situation where he stands on top of his best friend and his boyfriend, he is unable to comprehend any ideas?
It started off as something simple, something small yet big enough to cause an eruption in Calvin’s body. The two had decided to go to Andre’s house to watch some sort of movie, but Calvin didn’t really care for it.
The true reason they both went was because Andre’s parents were celebrating their anniversary together and wanted to go out to eat, leaving Andre by himself. The moment he mentioned the house being empty for once, Calvin’s mind began to race.
It started off as something slow, when the two made it up into Andre’s bedroom, they immediately fell into each other's arms and embraced themselves as they locked lips, hearing the sounds of their clothes rustling together as their breaths synced up with each other.
It had all happened so fast, Calvin hadn’t even realized just how starved he was to feel Andre, but the second the two interlocked themselves together, he couldn’t resist.
Normally, Andre took the lead, he had more confidence than Calvin and therefore used that ability to take him in, and he would gladly let him. But something had caused Calvin to feel the sudden urge to push his boyfriend down on the bed, watching how his expression shifted from pure lust to shock.
“What...Cal...what are you...”
And yet, he had no idea exactly what he was doing. His mind was doing things on its own, leaving Calvin with no room to control himself. He stared down at Andre, noticing how his hair went many directions while still being shorter than his own, he saw the way his eyes grew slightly, almost like a feline finally getting comfortable in its new environment.
Andre was in this situation where he felt he was unable to bring his guard down, seemingly picking fights and arguments with anyone and everyone, he’s done bad things, and so has Calvin, but by being under the blonde’s hold, he had finally let himself lose himself and feel normal for once.
With Calvin, he really did feel like himself.
Calvin swallowed, sweating profusely at the sight that was now in front of him, was Andre simply playing dumb, or had he really no idea what he was causing in that very moment? This boy, this man that Calvin had decided to fall for was now laying on his bed, allowing his already semi tight shirt to hug his body with such force.
“Dude...get the fuck over here...what are you doing?” Andre asked simply, not noticing the way Calvin’s already pale face was turning a shade of dark crimson red, he had felt that in that moment, Andre was not a real person.
How could he be, with such a gorgeous face, a hilarious sense of humor, and the body of a literal god, he may as well have been dreaming. Slowly but surely, Calvin found himself back in his own body, now completely focused on the reality that was laying around in front of him.
Andre was already beginning to take off his shirt, revealing the waist Calvin so desperately wanted to touch. He was drooling again, mentally drooling at the sight of this boy who was almost about to be in his grasp in a few short moments, once he finally learned to compose himself.
“...Come on...stop staring...”
Like an animal, a vicious and ruthless beast, he let himself go, he watched as he went down to bring Andre back in with a kiss, only this one grew rough, and yet still carried on that sweetness and tenderness it had previously.
Calvin was so busy trying to hold himself back, he wasn’t even fully there until he heard the sounds of soft moans, and while he didn’t stop peppering his boyfriend with kisses, he knew that those sounds were coming from him, leaving him in a spiral of a mess.
The only moment they broke apart was for Calvin to remove his own t-shirt, but they quickly latched onto each other again, with Andre pulling him in the second the shirt fell onto the bed. Their mouths danced messily and more sloppy, but they were too much into it to even care.
Their minds were wandering, their thoughts were everywhere, the only thing Calvin knew Andre was saying in his head was to touch him, to touch him and to paint around his skin until he felt his body ache and himself yearn and beg for what felt like pure heaven.
He wanted to be pinned between Calvin and the mattress, he was this delicate flower pressed against a book, he wanted to be the only person in the world who was able to call out his name like it was the only thing written inside of the pages.
Calvin wanted this too. He wanted Andre to want him the same way Calvin wanted him, desperately, until both ached in the pain of being away for too long. He wanted to make him shiver from his touch, so he glided his fingers around Andre’s stomach all the way down to his waist, noticing the delighting sound that emitted from his mouth.
He wanted to hear Andre say his name, so he leaned down on his neck, biting it sensually until he was breathless and shaky, panting out his name until he gave him what he wanted. Calvin wanted him to swallow him whole, so when the right time came, he felt himself inserting everything he had into Andre, hearing the loud screams he let out as he gripped hard on his shoulder blades.
As he slid out and in with a steady pace, he could hear the way Andre begged for more, practically letting himself whine out how much he needed this. In those moans, Calvin could capture the words he wanted to say but he was too stuck in the current moment.
“Split me open, dig your fingers into me and lick my heart with such rawness. Devour me whole until we are two of the same, don’t let a single finger lay itself on me unless it is your own.”
Like a demon possessing Calvin, he couldn’t bear the thought of anybody with Andre, and he was certain that the other boy felt the same. He knew how Andre was, he knew the reaction he had when Calvin started to talk about his friend, Rachel, he knew how irritated he was when he saw the two laughing.
It made Calvin see stars. Riling Andre up was originally not his intention, but the thrill he got the second he felt Andre’s sharp glares against his back made him shiver with such delight.
If he knew how much he enjoyed seeing his best friend irritated, then how would Andre have felt if he ever saw the way Calvin stared deeply if he saw him with anybody else. Don’t let a single finger lay itself onto Andre, he would tell himself over again.
Calvin would ravish Andre right then and there if anything were to happen, just to show that the two were meant for each other, not for anybody else.
“Cal...Cal...come on...” Andre let out with a heavy breath, his face darkening with red every minute Calvin was on top. He would’ve loved to see his beautiful face, but he had covered it up, appearing to still be embarrassed about not being the one to take the lead, but Calvin simply wanted to show him just how stunning and breathtaking he was, even if it meant that he had to step up for once.
The more he kissed him and the harder he pushed, Andre was the only one able to take his breath away. With every stroke, his body moved together, he watched as Andre danced into an arch. He licked at every mark he left by, his skin dressing with shivers all the up towards his spine.
“Andre...”
“Cal...come on...I’m...I’m close...”
Today, tomorrow, Andre felt Calvin, the way he moved while he swayed. He watched and felt as Calvin spread his legs, he felt the sensation of his presence as it tickled his bones. He saw how his thighs entangled him closely, almost as if he did not want to let go ever again.
When he was in charge, he took it a little harder, a tad bit harsher. Andre did not take it as far as ripping him apart, but it certainly felt different when it was Calvin’s turn. It was different, but it was good, far more than good, it was enchanting, it was nothing Andre’s has ever felt, it was something he knew that Calvin would be good at.
While his mind grew too foggy to have his words come out as comprehensible, Calvin knew just what he wanted, he knew what he needed in order to satisfy him fully. Andre enjoyed the feeling of his thumb circling around the bottom part of his body, he adored the sensation of his tongue painting around his neck and his chest until there was no more room to add anything else.
He loved the way Calvin was with him, while he knew they were both bad people, neither of them had judged who they were together, he managed to feel at ease with him and he managed to not hide his trueness with him because he knew he understood better than anybody else.
Love like theirs was something no one has ever seen. Romance was such a beautiful feeling, it was exciting to the point where he had to have more, he needed to have more of his love and his touch. He needed more of this lustful feeling that had him weak like putty and burning red like flames.
He was so close, he just needed one more push, he knew Calvin was close too, the two were ready to let everything out together. The two moaned and they groaned with pleasure, he dug his nails deeper into Calvin’s skin as he moved harder into Andre.
He was so close, he was almost there. He could hear Calvin mumbling something, something that he wanted and needed to let out at that moment, so Andre gave him a sign to let him know that he could tell him anything.
Breathless pants, groans of enjoyment, what Andre felt in that moment was much more than just lust, he loved Calvin, he loved his touch, adored his way of showing love. He was never the type to love anybody, but when Calvin opened his doors, he felt that it was best to let him in, to be the only person to show him what it was like to be loved.
“Andre...I...I love you...”
He gasped, the bubbling feeling in his stomach rose higher, and he let himself release without realizing.
For so long, the two have shared plenty of “I love you’s”, but he felt that saying it in this present time meant so much more than those previous times. Calvin loved him, he truly and really loved him.
“...I love you too...Cal...”
Andre loved him, more than anything, more than everything. The two loved each other, and nobody else would ever get the feeling of them loving them ever.
Zero Day // May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight
Counting sheeps, watching the twinkling stars shimmer in the blue night sky, it was all pointless, in the end, Calvin could never put himself to sleep. It had been like this for as long as he can remember, the first sighting of his night terrors was when he was a little boy, shouting and screaming for his parents to help him because he witnessed a monster.
It was always the same creature, an 11 feet tall, gray as a foggy morning, and disturbing monster that watched him the second he were to close his eyes. It did as much as any monster, it vanished without a trace and only jumped at him when he least expected it, it ran at him like some blood hungry beast, and its screams were loud and sharp enough to shatter multiple windows in an instant.
No matter what Calvin did, no matter how old he got, he could never shake away the monster from coming into his dreams every night, startling him and causing him to go hysterical once he woke up.
This monster, all of it was what gave Calvin these disturbing and disgusting thoughts, he slit his wrists and shoulders with a blade all for the monster, he forced himself to throw up even the slightest of food when he woke up because of that monster.
It was a horror show, it was something Calvin’s parents never saw or noticed until he got more extreme, at times, they would even check up on him every 15 minutes to make sure he didn’t wake up, even as he got older.
No matter how much he screamed for help or clawed at his skin for any form of assistance, nothing would ever get rid of this massive creature that seeped into his mind little by little. All the beast saw in Calvin was a heap of flesh and guts, blood so red it made all other shades feel inferior. He was just a child in a graveyard, walking around the world like some sickly thing, but he was real, at least he hoped he was.
Calvin was his own devastation, wanting nothing more than to peel at his own skin and reveal all that he was, he wanted to rid himself like rotten meat and pray he was never himself again. It was putrid, it was such nauseating thoughts, but it was the only thing that seemed to calm him down in a way.
He’d care less about being abandoned or knifed at the teeth so he would never speak again, he’d do anything to get rid of himself and whatever was tormenting him in his very head.
Even after meeting his new friend, Kriegman, his current friend, Rachel, only saw him as someone dangling on a leash while its owner dragged him away to wherever he pleased. He was humiliated, he felt that his own flesh was caused solely from humiliation.
Kriegman, Andre, was far different than any person in Calvin’s life. Neither of them were popular, but they had close enough friends to not be considered alone, and yet, no matter who he spent time with, Calvin still felt lonely. Andre seemed to be the only one who saved him from such loneliness.
The more he thought of Andre, the more his imaginations dissipated and were replaced by nothing except Andre himself, the one who supposedly saved him from such life sucking thoughts.
For that, Calvin was practically Andre’s right hand man, allowing him to take the lead sometimes and supporting every little decision he made. He was nothing but a mere fruit, a pomegranate if he will, he looked so beautiful on the outside and rather lovely, but would anyone truly open his heart and wonder if he really was worth the trouble?
Would Andre be the one to try him and see that no matter how hard he was to open up, he would still be willing to try it after all?
Even after creating Zero Day and discussing all the steps, Andre never left him, he never thought twice for talking to him the day they first met, he didn’t abandon Calvin even after his multiple discussions of destroying himself and his attempts.
Andre was just as sick and twisted as Calvin, and it only made him grow more mad with wanting more of him. So he did just that, it was a spur of the moment, something he wasn’t planning in that second they were in his bedroom, but he kissed him.
It was quick and awkward, it was as if Calvin had been possessed, but it left a large impact on Andre, leaving him stunned and frazzled.
“...Fuck...I...I uhm...just forget...I ever did that...” Calvin had muttered almost immediately, realizing only then that it was a mistake he should have never done. It would end like that, no words exchanged, so snarky remarks, it would end with Andre letting himself out and never turning back to see Calvin’s face.
“Fuck, Andre...I’m...”
It happened so fast, certainly bringing Calvin to a shock when he felt Andre’s lips meeting his own. It was surprising, it was unexpected, it was all Calvin was craving for the moment they became friends.
As quickly as he reciprocated, Calvin dove right down to press Andre against the ground, kissing him furiously as if he was hungry for this. He was, his mind growling in starvation and his lips begging to feel Andre, wanting nothing more than to forget all the terrible things that happened in his life.
His head grew harsher the moment he heard pants, even moaning in Andre’s mouth as their lips moved together. If this was some dream he was having, he would never want to wake up, but this was true, it was real and Calvin was more than overjoyed to feel such wondrous feelings with Andre.
But after that, after multiple days the two spent together, Calvin had not heard a single mention of that night, or anything regarding what they did together. As days turned to weeks, to the few days left before their big plan, Andre had not said a single thing about their kiss, almost as if he was trying to make it seem like it never happened.
But he wanted him to know, Calvin wanted to make Andre remember and he wanted to make sure he kept that in his head at all times, even as he stood up in front of the microphone to speak in front of a small crowd, his eyes only stayed focus on Andre, who was looking at him strangely the very second he stepped up.
Two Boys
We watch as the fire lights up furiously at the camp, wondering what has become of us
What we are? Nothing but rubbish as we feel our bodies engulfed in the flames
How much longer must we pretend, how tiresome the days get with no more excitement
Wallowing in the bits and moments that burn, what more can I do?
These sinful thoughts, those putrid shouts,
Would I let it bother my time with you?
Eaten or rotten, I’d rather grow rotten in the arms that saved me
I will be the witness in your gruesome story, I will force an angel to give me more love
I will be the bullet you shoot because I am nothing without a gun, without you
We both know we weren’t searching, but I’m glad to be found and I’m glad I found you
...
“Calvin, what the fuck. What were you thinking?! Going up on that stage...saying...whatever the fuck you just said, what the fuck?!”
What was he thinking? It was exhilarating, it was breathtaking, this was the rush he was looking for, that was the feeling he knew he was missing. In that moment, nothing mattered, the audience didn’t matter, what he said didn’t matter, not even the beast that held him back since forever, the second he turned to Andre, he knew that this was the thing he was missing.
“Andre, wasn’t that awesome?! Holy shit...holy shit!” Calvin said with such excitement in his voice, he was seconds away from jumping in glee after he finished his poem. It didn’t even matter if Andre yelled at him or what he thought of the poem, he was so glad he did it.
Maybe then Andre would realize how much he meant to Calvin.
“...Andre? What’s wrong, you’re quiet.”
A few days had already passed since Calvin’s poem incident, and more than enough time since the kiss the two shared. Now, Calvin watched as Andre drove to the school, his face stoic and his mouth silent.
Calvin knew something was wrong, he always did, the two always seemed to know when something was bothering the other, no matter how much they tried to hide it from each other. They were dogs, of course, loyal to each other and capable of seeing when one wasn’t feeling well.
“...Hm? Oh...uhm...it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”
He nodded, but he didn’t let it go immediately, he’d rather wait it out until they reached the school. And wait he did, because as soon as they got inside and heard the students scream and run after spotting the guns in their hands, the thought that ran around in his head did not go away just yet.
The two were so similar to each other, yet different in the way that during their firing, Andre was simply finding students and shooting at them, whereas for Calvin, he thought it would be a little fun to play around with the prey beforehand.
Everyone he saw, every person he recognized, he laughed and mocked them, he shouted for them to stop just before killing them, standing over them and thinking back to the moments he was ruined by them. It was frightening, to see a sight such as this, it only worsened his imaginations more, feeling and sensing that same monster that tormented his entire life.
He turned to Andre, his chest rising and falling with such force, but he continued to say nothing the entire time they were in the school. It was frustrating, Calvin was infuriated to see how much Andre had changed.
“Andre, jesus. What’s going on, why are you acting so weird? This was your plan, wasn’t it?”
“...”
Calvin grew angry. “Andre! Stop being fucking quiet and just tell me what’s wrong!”
“Why are you pretending that our dynamic never changed? Why are you here, screaming at these dickheads as if what we did that day was so normal!”
He was dumbfounded, confused even, if Andre were referring to that day, why was he coming after him?
“We shouldn’t have...kissed. That should have never happened and you know it.”
"What is up with you? You didn't seem to mind it that much when you kissed me back."
He noticed a slight twitch in Andre’s eye, and it only seemed to fuel Calvin up with more frustration.
"I...Calvin. I'm not fucking gay! I don't know why that happened, okay? I shouldn't have kissed you."
“It looked like you did want to kiss me Andre. Why don't you just admit it, you like me and you did like that kiss."
Calvin stepped closer to Andre, meeting him at eye level and talking to him in a tone that he knew his friend wouldn’t like. Andre laughed sarcastically as he let go of his gun, allowing it to drop to the ground, while Calvin still kept his own.
"Jesus fucking christ, Cal! How many times do I have to tell you? I'm. Not. Gay! I don't want anybody knowing we did that, I don't want them seeing we're gay or whatever and find another thing to pick on."
"...So you're scared?"
"YES I'M FUCKING SCARED! I don't want any of those fuck heads finding out about this or they're gonna ruin me! I don't want that for myself!"
Calvin remained quiet, astounded to hear Andre’s response and even more surprised to see what his viewpoint was in all of this. Was it really how he thought it was, was Calvin just playing a fool in this ridiculous play?
"...But what about what I want?! You made it perfectly clear that you don't like me and you don't want anybody knowing about that kiss. How about how I would feel about this!? I stopped caring what others thought about me, so why can't you?! They're all gonna be dead anyways! I don't care if I have to tell them right then and there that I am a faggot!!"
“That poem I shared that day was why I was so certain about this, about us!!”
"We're trying to kill people, not get killed. You can go on ahead and tell the world you're a fag, do whatever the fuck you want, make another fucking poem and say all you want to say, but I'm not risking myself getting caught for kissing you."
In a dream, Calvin saw the two, happily laughing at whatever they said to each other. In some other life, the two did get to experience true teenage love, in a world where they weren’t frowned upon. In his dreams, he and Andre got everything they could ever want.
"This plan was meant for you and I, Andre!! We could've run away somewhere and do whatever the fuck we wanted!? You didn't have to worry about being seen as gay anywhere except here, this was our plan to leaving this shit hole and doing something good with our lives!!"
"STOP LIVING IN A FUCKING FAIRYTALE CALVIN, NONE OF THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE THIS IS REAL LIFE, DON'T YOU GET IT!? WE DON'T HAPPILY EVER AFTER'S, WE DON'T GET TO JUST, RUN FAR AWAY AND LIVE OUR LIVES NORMALLY."
“YOU AND I ARE NOTHING. EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT WE WERE SOMETHING MORE WERE WRONG, THERE’S NO POINT TO ANY OF THIS ANYMORE, SO WHY DON’T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD!!-”
...
All Calvin wanted was to be set free from the shackles that held him tightly in his place, he wanted nothing more than to end the putrefying horrors that shake him awake the more he thought about it.
He didn’t mean for things to go far, he didn’t realize how much it would impact him once he was truly living it. Everything they’ve done, everything they accomplished in their lives, it was falling apart because of Calvin’s stupid mistake.
He stood there, traumatized, ruined, everything he just witnessed had actually happened, why couldn’t wake up, why wasn’t he able to shake himself awake in that very moment because this was all just a ridiculous dream.
Calvin never meant to shoot Andre, he never meant to end it there and he never meant for him to die right when he was going to tell him everything he felt. He just got so angry, like something took over his body and took his best friend’s life.
He meant to shoot himself, not him.
He was too angry, too boiled up to even realize what he was doing before it was too late, he watched as Andre stopped speaking, he watched as he turned his eyes to Calvin before falling completely to the ground, the bullet still fresh on his head.
“...Andre...fuck...fuck fuck FUCK!!” Calvin said in a panic, rushing down immediately to see if there was anything, any sign that he was breathing. It was a bullet to the head, but that didn’t mean he was completely dead.
And yet, when he lifted his best friend’s head slowly to see his face, it was over.
The monster who watched him as a kid to even now at seventeen, the one who filled him with disturbing thoughts and phrases, the rage he was feeling in that stupid argument, it was all because of him.
He pushed himself back in fear, his breaths shallow and shaky, tears flowed down his eyes furiously, the voice that told him to do all of those things in his early years, he ruined everything.
And what felt like a final “fuck you” from that same beast, Calvin saw the gun he had used to shoot Andre, fumbling with it as he tried to reach it before finally holding it in his arms. He looked at Andre’s lifeless body one more time and listened to what appeared to be the police barging into the school. He cried out one last time before piercing his head with the bullet, completely unable to erase the horrifying outcome in the few seconds he had left.
His monster had won, after trying for so long to get into Calvin’s mind, he had finally won.
ive been feeling more down lately and i havent been writing as much but I still wanted to share some bits (summaries) of some things i have...
//
1. He laughed even as they were kissing, he threw his head back every few minutes they talked and touched. Calvin hadn’t noticed the little things Andre had done until he looked closer, until he really got to know the boy behind the entire facade of a troublemaker. The imagination of the boy being absolutely perfect was farther from the truth. Calvin saw nothing wrong with this fact, rather, he was far more attracted to learn the little imperfections Andre seemed to be hiding from anybody else. The way his top teeth overlapped his bottom ones, causing his upper lip to be more out, the way comes out completely burdened with acne and spots all around his face, to Calvin, it simply made Andre look more beautiful. Nothing about who Andre was or how he looked could ever change the ever growing thoughts and emotions Calvin felt towards him, it simply felt like, to him, Andre being imperfect was in fact the most perfect thing about him
2. Taking care of a single person, to them, it’s rotten work, it’s pointless, it has no effect on them if somebody decides to leave them. For them, every single person that came into their life would quickly become a stranger, whether it was their doing or the other person’s faults. He saw how they waited for someone to take them home, not the home they lived in, but the permanent home of the other person’s heart. To say his best friend was homesick was an understatement, no, he was dying to feel the beauty of one’s presence, to have someone never leave his side, no matter how hard things got sometimes. There, he stood in front of his best friend, noticing the little crystals that were his tears, and he too, shed a few as they watched each other intensely. With the few very words he could muster up, he grabbed the blonde’s hands, feeling the softness and the gentleness they truly held. He took a final breath, turning to face the opposite direction before turning back to his friend.
“...I do.”
3. “Why didn’t you do it...?”
After months of planning, after countless times of talking about this exact moment, Andre was too pussy to actually go through with it. How could it, after hearing the idea first come out of Calvin’s mouth about killing themselves when it’s all over after shooting what appeared to be dozens of students, how could he actually agree to it? He blames no one except himself, Andre could have done something, he could have said anything in that moment or any other moment they shared with each other and he could have told Calvin that the idea wasn’t so good.
“You...promised...”
And he did, Andre promised to his best friend that they were going to go through with their plan, together. He never intended to back down but with everything happening so suddenly he couldn’t but get cold feet at the thought of a bullet going through his head. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen, maybe he should have taken better care of the situation and realize the signs Calvin was throwing at him, none of this was supposed to go too far and instead was supposed to just be a way to release all of the anger he had built up, he never meant to shoot anyone, he never meant for Calvin to die like this.
4. What can be sad can also be known as true, something you can’t find in real life will always crawl back into your mind when you dream. Waking up only makes one realize that nothing was ever real, that broken and depressive thoughts that clash in your brain to remind you that there is no hope, there is so saving those who cannot be saved and to those who don’t want to be saved. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking to come to a consensus that those who suffer may never return back into the arms of those who warm their hearts and their souls. Praying to god no longer does anything, getting down to your knees and begging for redemption only lets them know just how weak you are. Andre hates to go back to that one moment, that moment in the past that makes him rethink the choices he had before, that one moment in his life that made him remember that he too can be weak. The conversation with his dad, the car ride with him, during that time, he couldn’t help but allow his eyes to gaze at his father for a second before facing towards the road again. He had told him how he wasn’t planning on going to prom and instead stayed back to help around, after his shift was over, he couldn’t help this bittersweet feeling in his mind. Did he know? Did his father know something that Andre hadn’t told him, did he feel something suddenly wrong in his son’s presence where he felt he needed to tell him how proud he was of him? That moment had felt like something he’d never expect, it had been one of those moments he felt that something could have been different in his life, maybe something could have happened that would change him for the better. His father was proud of him, but he didn’t feel proud of himself
5. Such a lowly and putrid prince, those who shunned him from the world were correct in the fact that nobody would ever find him as a ruby gem, nobody would dare give him the final dance he needed as a farewell, nobody would give him the satisfaction of cherishing his last moments. Whatever flows in the river of regret and punishment will forever crash and destroy whatever he made up to try and convince himself that there was more to his life than simply rotting forever in his mind. Monarch’s were practically unable to view their own beauty and see how raw and beautiful their wings were, they would never get a chance to see who they were even in their dying breaths. Everybody else was able to see just how perfect they were, but they wouldn’t say anything, they wouldn’t dare speak a word on who they were and simply wait until the last few moments to remind them,
“My, such a beautiful life being put to waste.”
God would never forgive him, he didn’t want him to forgive and he didn’t want to believe everything his parents say about God being real, for if he was real then why give him the life he did not need, why give him the misfortune of seeing his past mistakes simply by looking at his wrists? Bring him terror, bring him fear, bring him everything he always had and take it to his grave, nobody would ever visit him anyways.
Souls // Zero Day
“I have late night conversations
with the moon
he tells me about the sun
and I tell him about you”
ーs.i. gray
Andre practically snorts, one ear listening to the soft rain and harsh thunder, while the other listens closely to the soothing words that dance around in his mind as he closes his eyes and envision such lines.
“God...you’re so cheesy with those poems you find, how about you make one of your own instead of ripping one off the internet.”
Endearingly, Calvin smiles, looking down only slightly at the boy who was currently resting his head against his thighs, mindlessly feeling his fingers brushing along the brunette’s hair. Time’s such as this were certainly rare, the idea of the two relaxing was so foreign to them, their guards were always up, they maintained such an attitude towards others that it would end with whispers about them, it was moments like this that the two truly felt like themselves.
“You know you like those poems...I bet you’d like them more if I made them myself...”
Andre chuckled. “Sure...go on and tell yourself that. I’m just saying that if you were so passionate about writing and all that crap, you’d write stuff on your own...”
The brunette let out a slightly annoyed noise when the stroking on his hair seemed to stop, causing Calvin to laugh again gently. Then he got to thinking, a poem he wrote himself, something that captured both his thoughts and everything around him that made sense to him.
He began to think back, finding his own mind to leave his body in order to truly grasp the idea he wanted. Things in his life have been both up and down, there never seemed to be a moment where he was able to simply breathe and truly enjoy what he had.
Getting diagnosed was certainly a turning point in his life, having to spend a month or two in some room away from his friends and family and then coming back to concerned and worried faces, he grew to think nobody would truly understand him.
After school he’d always seemed to find himself locked in his room or the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror, then turning down to look at his arms which were painted with white and red, the colors even seemed to fade away as time went on, but of course, bright new ones would come in when he thought all was well again.
As he grew older, he noticed a shift and a change in both his behavior and his appearance. He grew his hair out, but when he went back to school, all day he would find himself receiving comments about whether or not he was a girl or some queer. He got taller, in a sense, no longer the height he was before, he grew an inch or three and was somewhat happy with how he got, although it only made him stand out more as a tall and lanky teenage boy. His braces had to come back in, in some weird turn of events, his teeth began to shift again and the doctors had to resort back to putting on his braces once again.
Calvin wasn’t surprised with how he turned out on his 18th birthday, but he felt ashamed with how worse he thought he was getting, despite the many compliments his parents and his best friend Rachel gave him.
Every time people said he was pretty, he thought of everything ugly swarming beneath his clothing. He was now grown, and yet he still felt like the same boy who sat alone at lunch, wondering why he couldn’t get others to like him no matter how hard he tried.
But he didn’t try, he never felt like he gave it his all when it came to truly coming out of his shell, constantly worrying that the minute he opened his mouth, he would be shamed by all. Nothing made sense to him in the past, everything felt like nothing in his eyes, no matter where he went, he couldn’t seem to fit in.
Meeting Andre truly felt like destiny, Calvin finally felt like luck was on his side the day the two began to talk. Andre was so different and yet so very similar to him, it had almost felt like he had been created just for him.
“The moon and the stars tried their best, but I couldn’t look away from you.”
Days and nights spent with the boy felt like a dream, the way the two were practically in sync with each other and the way Andre laughed was so endearing to Calvin.
Calvin wouldn’t dare share this moment with anyone else, and he wouldn’t want his dear friend to share it with anybody else, everything that had to do with each other was intertwined and locked together.
Those little moments spent above the roof of each other’s houses, the special days where one or the other falls ill and it’s up to them to heal them up, the times they shared, the hours they cherished together, Calvin would give everything up just to keep those moments forever.
His wish might as well have come true, and in the end, he smiled, caressing Andre’s cheek to get his attention.
“Souls don’t fall in love accidentally,
Falling into love with the lovely soul
within someone's eyes
is the most beautiful form of love someone can experience
Every soul has dark,
but every soul shares light
The past may feels like nothing
But it’s the past that faults us together”
...
“You just keep getting cheesier...don’t you...?”
Andre lifts himself up, and although the dimness of the room hides both of their faces, Calvin sees a bright smile on his face.
He hopes their souls are forever, he hopes that when they are dead, their souls continue to find each other and continue to live a life with each other in it. He’d rather be selfish than not tell him anything at all.
“...I guess I do...”
Leaning together, their lips meet, the sweet flavor of each other that always placed them in a trance, god, it was all they really needed.
They're Cheap (I'm Free) // Zero Day (18+)
Calm winds before a strong storm, between a name and a prayer, was there really a difference? The stars in the night sky could never compare, so why did it matter? Why did anything matter if everything was going to be taken to the grave?
Bit by bit, flesh by flesh, everyone was the same, everyone had only one life to live, so they all figured to make the most of it all, becoming the worst people for that single life they chose to live.
Calvin watched as he stared off far into the night sky, his hair flowing gently as the cool breeze ran through him, watching as the trees rustled before the big storm. He was up on the roof again, the roof of his house where he found himself most of the time. He breathed in the cold and wet air, his heart pounding gently with every beat.
He sometimes would wish he was who he was before, someone who was so pure and grateful for everything, even as he rewatched old video tapes of him when he were younger, he wished to be taken back into his younger self. But now, he felt lost, stuck in an eternity of limbo for years to decades, feeling that if he asked for too much, he would throw up.
Calvin had very little troubles in school, he had a good enough friend group, somewhat stable grades, but good things never exactly happened to people for very long. The only good thing he could recall in his life was meeting his best friend, Andre.
While to others, the two appeared to be like every other kid in school, Andre participated in a few sports here and there, and the two seemed to have a few people they would consider their friends. But Andre and Calvin were close, far closer than anyone else to them, they shared their deepest thoughts, their embarrassing secrets, no one else around him seemed to have gotten as far as they did with each other.
Rachel noticed this, feeling that Calvin acted so differently and cold when he was around Andre. She worried that Andre had been saying things to him, but he was quick to deny it all and defend his dear friend, unaware of what she had been telling him.
He looked down at the ground below him, a good nine to ten feet away from where he was sitting. He recalled the times where he had Andre’s back and Andre had his, the sweet and enjoyable moments the two spent together to hide the fact that they were planning something drastic.
“What are you doing up here again? Our plan’s supposed to be tomorrow and if you stay up any later we’re gonna have to restart the god damn mission.”
Calvin didn’t bother turning his head, the two had gotten so close with each other it was easy to distinguish their voices from everybody else. He felt as Andre shuffled beside him, sitting down to just stare at wherever Calvin was staring, which was him.
Andre meant so much to Calvin, feeling that the two had gotten closer over the course of their planning, it saddened him with the fact that they weren’t going to see each other anymore, after they succeeded, the two would pull the triggers on themselves, just like how Calvin suggested it. For a period of time, Andre was reluctant, feeling that he wasn’t ready to give himself up and instead came up with a second option, the option to simply flee and never come back.
“You’re stupid for coming up with something like that,” He remembered telling Andre the day he brought up his own idea. It would be pointless to run away, they would be searched and found soon enough rather than quickly get it over with.
Calvin’s mind was set, nothing was going to change the fact that suicide was the only way out. It didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy himself a little longer before they had to put their plan into action.
He remembered the first day he placed his lips against Andre’s, it was the night of prom, just hours after it had ended. While he had taken his friend, Rachel, he couldn’t help but keep his mind on his friend, who said he wasn’t going to go to “some stupid dance with more stupid people.”
On the ride back, Calvin hesitated before asking the driver to take him to Andre’s house, not forgetting the way everybody else in the limo began to choke and snicker at the request. They weren’t his friends, they were just people Rachel was friends with, and Calvin didn’t like any single one of them.
He rushed into Andre’s house without taking a second glance of everyone who was still in the limo, picking up his pace as he made it to the door. When the car pulled away and Andre opened, his eyebrows furrowed.
It was late, his parents were now asleep by this time, and Calvin just pushed his friend away and went into Andre’s room, where he followed behind, not saying a word until they sat on his bed.
“So, how was the dance? You danced and kissed Rachel?” Andre asked annoyingly, his arms crossed as he asked Calvin. Calvin said nothing, his hands fidgeting with each other the entire time. Andre grew frustrated and opened his mouth to speak even more, but that was when Calvin turned to him, grabbed him by the face, and pressed his face against his, tilting it slightly to interlock their lips together.
The kiss was rushed and messy, Calvin quickly pulling away after realizing what he had done. He was stammering, shaking, in complete disbelief with what he had just done, neither of the two were gay, at least Calvin thought he wasn’t gay, but he was so sure that Andre was completely straight, he was ready to be yelled at and get told to leave his house and never speak to him again, though it pained him to think of such things, he knew it was coming.
What he didn’t see coming was the way Andre leaned towards Calvin, eyes flickering to his lips then back to his face before he kissed him, only more softer than the first time. He shuffled closer, his hands placed on his own lap as he kissed Calvin.
There was no feeling of self acceptance, no idea what it was like to feel some sort of worth in life. Slowly but surely, he planned to make himself known, he wanted the world to know everything, he wanted to feel important for once.
Yet, together, away from all of the shit, he could give everything a rest. He wanted one more day before their plan, one day to make himself feel happy, he couldn’t wait to leave prom the moment it ended, couldn’t wait for the limo to take him to his friend, couldn’t wait to promise forever to him, even when they succeeded.
It seemed Andre was thinking the same thing, sighing once Calvin kissed him back, the two embarking in sweet and loving kisses every now and then.
“Are you thinking of gay shit right now? Quit staring at me,” Andre said brutally, but all Calvin did was laugh softly, knowing fully well that he didn’t mean it that way. In truth, he had stared at Andre for a bit longer than he thought, and like Andre said, he had been thinking of stuff, but he smiled at him endearingly, brushing his hand against his friend’s before holding it tight.
“Jeez, what’s got you acting like this...” Andre muttered, shivering slightly as Calvin’s fingers began gently rubbing his wrist.
“Sorry...I’ve just been thinking, about tomorrow,” He answered sheepishly.
“What about it? Don’t say you’re gonna back out now, I’ll hate you forever.”
Calvin laughed again and shook his head before staring back at him. “No, it’s not that. I just thought, why not enjoy the last night we’ll share together, before it all goes to shit, you know?”
“I...I guess? What would we even do during this time?”
Calvin had an idea, but it made his cheeks flush pink and his body all warm. It was embarrassing, but it excited him greatly, to be with Andre for the final day, then he would gladly blow his brains out the next day.
“...I want us to enjoy each other one final time, I want to make you feel good, Andre. Let me take care of you, please.”
Andre’s face only shifted slightly, and even while his face remained still, Calvin would feel his hand slightly shaking underneath him.
“Shit...” Andre breathed out a small laugh. “Fuck, I mean. Go for it, last time for good luck, right?”
Calvin smiled, nodding before moving closer to Andre, holding his cheek with one of his hands as he stared at him softly. “Last time, I’ll make you feel good,” He replied before pressing a gentle kiss on his lips, standing up on the roof to climb back into his window, Andre following right behind.
The rain spoke quietly, the soothing sound hiding the fact that it was just silent. Calvin slowly pulled Andre closer, pushing him down gently on his bed before climbing on top of him, enjoying the sight of his friend simply laying there, his eyes sparkling. Calvin’s hand slept at the lowest depth of his back, his palm sculpting out a perfect arch as Andre gasped at the touch.
His fingertips danced along Andre’s skin, his shirt now lifted so that Calvin could see all. He laid there, watching as Calvin moved gracefully like an artist in motion, brushing his chest and stomach as he painted his body with his mouth, sucking and biting gently at his skin until he let out a breathy moan.
Andre had the urge to trace over the spots Calvin was last, the urge to feel the bite marks that painted his shoulder and neck, he had the urge to inhale his strong aroma, the urge to taste his lips and comb at his hair with his fingers.
But Calvin did his own things, planting a few more kisses before removing both of their pants, Andre feeling completely exposed in the middle of the night.
“You’re amazing...” Calvin whispered, his hands drifting down to grasp at Andre’s hips. He’d never thought words would get him so tipsy, so addicted and craving more of it as they kissed. As he watched Calvin prep himself, he couldn’t help but think of what was going to happen the next day.
It was never his idea to kill themselves, it was never his idea to surrender himself to the gun and shoot himself. He could have imagined another life where the two had fled the scene, driving away in Andre’s car to escape the police before they found them and ending up in whatever city they ended up in, Andre had a different approach to what they would do, but Calvin overruled him.
With little surprise, Calvin groaned gently once he was in Andre, quiet gasps and groans filled his bedroom, and Andre was going crazy. He grabbed Calvin’s shoulder and clawed at his skin as Calvin was pleasuring him, enjoying the sight of Andre hiding his face and the sensation of his nails in his skin.
He pushed, causing Andre’s back to lift up a bit as he opened his mouth, though no sound had come out of him at that moment. His movements hushed and steady, yet it brought so much pleasure to Andre.
His body ached at the feeling, an intimacy Andre had never known.
In the darkness, two shadows would reach through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their bodies would meet, fitting together unlike the rest. The two had a bond no one else did, so emotional that the two were connected immediately.
Calvin’s lips met with Andre’s a final time before he gasped, the two trembling before he rested next to Andre, staring at him again as he stared back, no words needed to be said in that moment. While they would soon be gone tomorrow, Andre was more than happy to have shared such an experience with Calvin, interlocking their hands together before he dozed off, his mind solely filled with the next day.
*cal sneezes*
“gesundheit”
chlamydia!! CHLAMYDIA!! CHLAMYDIAAAAA!!!!!!