At Least I'm Self Aware - Tumblr Posts
Just...just having a bad day, sorry.
People are allowed to hate themselves, right? I mean, that isn’t something they should hate themself for, right? Because I hate myself already, and if society agreed with me that I should hate myself for hating myself…
I mean, I don’t hate all of myself. There are some tiny parts of me that I even like, on really good days. I also know that I’m not allowed to die, so it’s not like I’ll ever act on my self hatred. It just… it never goes away. I just don’t think about it on the better days, but even then, I still do. I hate very large portions of myself, my personality, how I act, how I fail to act, what I don’t do, how much energy it takes to live, to keep trying, how my life is so easy and other’s make allowances for me and I’m still so weak and worthless - and if I post this, I’ll hate myself for giving in and crying out for even more attention. (But what if someone sympathizes, says I’m okay? Yeah, well what if someone says I’m right? Which of these possible reactions, should I receive any at all, would I find easier to accept and believe? Ha.)
I don’t hate other people, but that’s because I don’t know them. I can’t judge, because I don’t know who they really are or why they’re acting that way. Hate is such a strong emotion, too - it’s just so draining, and I just feel so hollow and empty... why do we have to drag ourselves through life? Why do the momentary joys never outweigh the sheer amount of effort it takes to experience them?
I don’t even know why I’m still typing this or planning on posting this. I just feel... I don’t even know. Hours have passed since when I started this post, and now I just feel sad and empty. I distracted myself from my hatred - that’s always how I live my life, burying myself in the distraction of fictional characters, even though my own life is rather blessed. I just... I just want to cry, cry out. I feel alone, but I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I hate myself for being so incredibly weak, for being so ridiculous and utterly worthless. I’m lonely and I don’t want anybody and I’ll fight against any comfort because I don’t deserve it, curse it! I shouldn’t need any more help, I don’t need any more help, I’m just being weak today and tomorrow I’ll be fine and bury this inside and I’ll still hate myself but I won’t think about it, and I’ll do my job mediocrely and my coworkers thank me and I’ll want to scream at them that “I didn’t do a good enough job, I could have done better, I should have done better, and I just didn’t, and you’re all so kind for pretending I’m okay when I’m just an incredibly lazy person who pretends I’m okay, tries to help and only screws things up but you pretend it’s okay and I hate it, hate myself, this job is so easy and you keep trying to make it easier on me it’s the only thing I can do, why are you trying to take this away from me?!” ...Of course, I won’t say any of that, because that would be unspeakably rude and unkind. Yet I still think it, and I hate myself for that, and so much more - that barely even makes the top 10 list of why I hate myself, haha...
...ha. Life’s a joke, isn’t it? You keep going and going, going and going, going and going, going and going, going - and then everything stops. The End.
Why am I still typing? Is anyone reading? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have wasted your time. I hope you have a good day, despite reading this. Or good night. If you want, you can just laugh this off, laugh at it. It’s a little funny.
...
If you’ve read all this and are worrying (haha. As if anyone really would. I just had to say this out loud), don’t be. I don’t harm myself, I don’t have a death wish, I started taking meds almost 2 weeks ago and I’ve normally been better - I’m just having a low few days because I expended way to much energy being really happy all day 2 days ago. I’m even in a mildly better - read, empty and apathetic - mood than I was in when I started writing this. Just...