Low Self Esteem - Tumblr Posts

I only feel this way all the time.

do you ever feel embarrassed to be in your own skin like please just dont look at me i wish i didnt exist sometimes like i want to disappear because i cannot handle being me 

Story of a villain - Part 1

Hello and goodnight (I'm assuming you're looking for a little reading before bedtime)

DABI STANS, it is my pleasure to release the little something I've been working on for a while.

As I mentioned before: it has male POV, a little explicit smut, drama (obviously) and I also made a conexion to the first fanfic that I posted (family and quirk of the female lead)

This is a long story , but I try to use the light novel format to make it a quick reading so a lot of things will happen this is not just some "smut" fic, this is a whole fanfiction.

This is just the first part and it has over 7000 words.

I'm not sure about the title though because he's not a villain here but we'll get there, I promise.

Also, I would like to give a name to our female lead - she has one - but I'm not sure if readers would like it. Lately, I've read a lot of "you" and "y/n" on all of the fanfics platforms and I'm insecure about naming original characters so I just changed it to "babe" or simply erased it from the sentence.

I think that's pretty much it, feel free to send me messages to correct mistakes, english isn't my first language so there must be a lot of parts that don't make sense.

PART 1

“Do you ever feel… scared of me?” I asked.

“I often feel scare of losing you forever, why?”

“Not that, I mean afraid of me, like if I would ever physically hurt you”

“Wha-why? What did I do? What happened?” she looked at me completely confused, she was making coffee while I was making French toasts for breakfast.

“You’re not getting it”

I shook my head and she came closer.

“No, I do. I’ve never been scared of you, Dabi. Don’t be weird, hon”

“Not even when we first met? I know I’m not exactly good-looking — or good at all. I know what I look like and I notice what other girls say, the way they look at me…”

“You notice other girls?” she looked straight into my soul for a second.

“You know what I mean, missy” I poked her forehead “Don’t ravel my words”

“You’re burning the French toasts”

“Shit, shit, shit” I turned the stove off.

She took a deep breath.

“Are you leaving again?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“Have you been watching doramas?”

“No” I chuckled.

“Good, I hate those things, half the problems are caused by miscommunication, so please, pleeease tell me why would you think I’ve ever felt scared of you?”

“I already told you, you didn’t listen”

“Touya” she only used my real name when she was pissed “I love you, why would you care about other people staring or whispering dumb shit about your looks?”

“I don’t know”

When I was seventeen, I met the strangest girl in Japan. I didn’t know all of the girls but I was sure, she was strange, not simply weird or chaotic, strange; and the reason she was so strange is because she liked me.

I liked her too… Well, I loved her.

The thing is I cannot stay with her, no matter how much I want to or how much she begs for it; but I would rather die than letting her go, therefore I just come and go all the time.

Surprisingly, she waits for me. I only left twice since I met her, for a few months — two, five — and in different occasions I only disappeared because I needed to make my own money and I don’t want her to be involved in anything that I do, so I leave for a couple of days, maybe a week each month.

The first time I left because I got scared, I was getting too attached to her cold hands and warm kisses, I used to sneak in her house and we’d cuddle in her bedroom, she less than a year younger but we liked each other madly and eventually we had sex. I never thought I could feel that much.

“Will you still like me after this?” she asked the first time.

“I think I like you even more,” I mumbled.

Her bright eyes widened, she gave me a breathtaking kiss.

“Can we do it again?” she asked.

She kept my brittle heart warm and we ablaze her bed together. We grew up together and went from sneaking in and out from her parent’s house to going to underground clubs and bars and it was enough, for me it was enough.

She wanted more and she deserved it, I just couldn’t do it.

“You make me feel like a fool waiting for you,” she said one night before falling asleep.

Now that we were older, I’d come to her apartment, spend the night together and we’d have breakfast before she’d go to work, a good work at her father’s company. I used to pace the apartment before leaving.

I meditated a lot about my feelings about us; I knew it wasn’t exactly scare of commitment. We knew the type of relationship we had, that was clear and I was all in it. She was pretty, affectionate, loyal and I… well, I was use to give 200% of myself in everything I do.

“Take your name back, I’ll help you,” she said one afternoon at her favorite coffee shop.

“I can’t”

Because of that, I was scared

She belonged to me; she became my home. No words needed, I thought, I think she knows. I didn’t feel like I could – no, I didn’t want to fit in her perfectly normal life.

I could go anywhere I wanted, but I’d keep running back to her and every time she’d open her door for me; caress me, kiss me and make love like if it was the last time.

“We could run away together” she used to say before falling asleep.

Every now and then, she would say: “Let’s run away, let’s get out of this country, I’ll go anywhere you go” but never insisted a lot; maybe she was afraid that if she was too clingy I’d run away on my own.

Maybe I needed her to cling onto me to stay. Who could know?

I liked watching her sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could feel time moving, I’d put my hand on her breathing chest just to make sure she was real.

“Do you remember my friend Hana?” she said randomly one morning while making coffee, “she’s a med student and she has a healing quirk, I was thinking she could help to regenerate your skin. Only if you want to, my love”

“Why?”

I didn’t think it was possible but I wouldn’t mind if it was.

“Well — I just thought, it could help you to look and feel better, even if it’s for a short time…” she was murmuring but I could hear, she had something in mind but she wasn’t gonna say.

“Okay” I agreed and she smiled, I hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead.

Every morning she would get her cup of coffee and become a kitten. Then she’d go to work and I’d stay a little longer and turn the housewife mode on. She didn’t know though.

It was fun. In my imagination it was the other way round, I liked picturing a different life while cleaning: I’d go to work at my father’s hero agency and she’d be a lovely housewife, by now we’d have our first kid, hopefully a girl, by God’s grace she’d have my sister’s temper!

She would be calm, nerdy, sweet and beautiful as her mother. Of course, this was all in my imagination.

I hated thinking about my family, but I liked the idea of us starting a family. One completely different to the family that I had, one where no one is use and discarded. However, it’s never going to happen. Not only because I stopped living by my name, but also because both her parents knew about me — and they loathed me.

At first, her mother made a scandal, she screamed and punched a maid in the face out of anger, and then her father talked to me in private, he handled it better than I expected.

“Whatever phase she’s going through I don’t give a fuck, you better never knock her up, I’ll strangle you myself if you dare”

He had balls and I respected that, at least enough — but only because I loved her.

Around seven years later, that phase wasn’t over and they were getting impatient, her mom would come to her apartment and change the door’s password (as if I needed it) on random days. The last time I was still there.

“You, get out. Now” she commanded and just as I crossed the door, she ranted: “Just because we work hard to keep this a secret doesn’t mean we’ll ever accept you, I’ll find a good suitor soon and she’ll marry him, get out of her life already!”

I sighed.

“I work just as hard to keep my manners, ma’am.” I lighted my hand with blue flames. She gasped.

“Are you threatening me?”

I just walked away. I don’t do threats.

About an hour later, I got a bunch of “sorry” messages and a phone call.

“I swear I’m gonna change the whole fucking door if it’s necessary… even better! I’m moving out and will never give her my new address so we can fully live together, you won’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to”

She started a whole speech about living together, I could imagine her walking in circles and moving her free hand all around and it made my day just listening but a life like that… it was impossible.

“You still coming home tonight, right?”

“I got a lot of things to do, babe”

“Wanna go out?”

I laughed.

“It’s Tuesday, you have work tomorrow, just eat your dinner and go to bed”

“Did you cook?” she asked happily.

“Yeah, probably”

“Did you burn it?”

“You’ll find out, send me a pic before you go to bed”

“Of course. I love you”

“Me too”

I’d never say “I love you” on the phone, it was too embarrassing, but she was fine with it.

A week later, she caught me off guard. It was her day off and her friend Hana came over.

“I don’t know how you manage to live here, it took me forever to get to this floor and I used the elevator! Oh, OH! He’s here! Good morning, Dabi!”

I suddenly remembered how talkative Hana is.

“Morning”

I met Hana when they were in high school — they were childhood friends. At first, Hana was cautious when I was around, she used to leave us alone almost immediately, I think Hana might have tried to talk her out of this, but obviously it didn’t work.

I don’t know when we started to get along.

“Good morning, sunshine!” my baby greeted her playfully.

“Good morning! You’re having breakfast, am I early? Really? You woke up late, it can’t be me. Can I have some? I ate before coming but I spend a lot of energy to come, the subway, the cab, the goddamn elevator, I’m starve!”

Hana was like a shot of espresso, and my babe is a caffeine maniac.

“I made extra, sit down please” my baby served two plates, orange juice and coffee just for Hana.

Hana’s quirk required her own energy to heal others if I’m not wrong, I realized why I didn’t have to make breakfast this morning.

“So you’re a med student,” I said casually.

“I’m resident already” Hana took a sip of orange juice.

“A what now?” I was in disbelief “Did you bribe her?”

“Not yet” she smiled.

“Oh, shut up” Hana laughed “I was just lucky my quirk is too useful and we’ve been friends for a long time. I know you both if I’m allowed to say so and also I’m curious about what you’d look like if I can fix at least those patches under your eyes”

They had a lot to catch up while Hana was eating; I kept bringing plates to the table just to make sure they had enough time to talk and create my chance to disappear.

I made my way to the door and Hana caught me.

“Where do you think you’re going, sir?”

“We ran out of orange juice”

“We have enough orange juice, go lay on the couch now,” my love commanded and I obeyed.

For a moment, I thought at least Hana would be quite while using her quirk, but she was like a radio host.

She required physical touch and her eyes analyzed me as if she could see right through my burned flesh.

“The damage is too deep, I don’t know if I can fix your tear ducts, you can close your eyes and don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt” she was narrating every single step while massaging both of my burned patches of skin under my eyes. “I’m removing your dead cells, I know it feels weird.”

I felt a little tickles but not enough to laugh.

“This isn’t exactly regenerating, you can’t bring back to life a cell once that is dead, but I can put your living cells to work and create new ones while removing death skin with this massage. This might take a while, but trust the process”

A few minutes later she washed her hands, my babe bought iced coffee and sweets, and Hana kept working hard on fixing my mess.

“You can go and watch a movie on TV, dear, you don’t have to keep feeding me, we’ll be fine,” Hana said.

“I’m starting to feel bad for giving you work on the little free time you have”

“It’s okay, I’m serious”

“Well… I… if you need anything just ask” she said before going to the bedroom.

“Talking requires energy too, you know,” I mumbled when she massaged my neck.

“It feels weird touching people like this in complete silence; you could talk if you want me to shut up”

“I have nothing to share with you, sorry”

“Well, you’ve been dating my best friend for a long time, we’re adults now and I’d like to know how serious you are about your future”

“Are you her mom?”

“I am concerned,” she admitted.

I opened my eyes, she gave me her more serious gaze and she was the type of girl that stops mid-walking just to say “hi” to all the kittens. She meant it.

“Concerned about what?”

“A lot of things! I don’t know your real name” she started a whole speech but kept working on my skin with a little more pressure as if she was prepared for this, “I know you’ve been an important part of her life since high school, you’re practically a pillar! When I first saw you I thought she was in big troubles, but you’re good to her in your own way; you don’t take anything from her and you keep her centered, you cook for her and…”

“So? Where’s the ‘but’ I’m waiting for?”

She stopped massaging my skin.

“I don’t know, I never dated anyone, but another friend just got engaged and I thought… when will I go to my best friend’s wedding?”

She sighed.

“I can’t do that”, I said.

Her eyes turned to knives figuratively, I was sure a thousand ways to kill me were running inside her mind.

“But my name is Touya”

I was surprised when she smiled.

“Good enough, I’ll take that for now” she took something out of her purse “And by the way, you’re really handsome, Touya. I bet she knew before anyone else”

Hana handed me a mirror, her fingertips had pieces of my burned skin stacked but she didn’t seem to mind at all. I was speechless when I saw my reflection; I couldn’t even see the parts where my skin used to be parted.

I touched the staples and piercings I had to keep it all together.

“I didn’t remove them because I suppose you’ll use your quirk again even though you shouldn’t”

“Thank you”

By now, she completely regenerated my face’ skin and half of my neck. She kept working in silence; she started to look tired but didn’t stop.

It took her over six hours to regenerate my skin from the neck down to my chest, she worked hard and it showed.

“I heard silence and I got worry, how’s it gooo… oh my god, Hana!”

“The devil’s in the details! I’d like to help a little more but I’m exhausted”

“You can take a nap here,” my babe pointed out the room.

“Oh no, I’m sure you’d like some alone time right now. I’ll have more coffee before leaving and can I have some toasts?”

“Everything inside my fridge is yours, you earned it”

Hana almost leaped from the living room to the kitchen, she was tired and starving but managed to keep her cool — and now I admired her, but I wouldn’t admit it out loud. My babe sat next to me and touched my face carefully.

“How does it feel?” she asked me, rubbing the back of her hand on my cheek.

“Soft. Good”, I admitted. “Can you go out and buy something for me?”

“Of course, my love, what do you need?”

After some instructions (and snacks), my babe and Hana were going out the door when she tried to give her something.

“Oh no, it’s okay, I just ate everything in your kitchen”

“This is for your silence”, she said resolute.

“Oh I see”, Hana mumbled and took it.

When she came back home, she helped me to bleach my hair. I was drying my hair with a towel in front of the mirror and barely believed my eyes, my whole face and now my white hair… it was as if nothing ever happened; except for the staples.

“My love, are you okay?” she knocked the door.

I lost the words when I opened the door and saw her big bright eyes and her pupils dilated, it felt so good as if I was reborn.

“Just for now, call me Touya,” I said taking her hand and pulling her closer to me.

“Touya… Can I kiss you now?”

“We’re so doing more than that”

We started kissing, she slipped her tongue into my mouth and I picked her up, tangled her legs around my hips, and touched my cheeks with her cold hands. It always felt nice. I took her to the bedroom; she was breathless when I put her down.

“You shouldn’t have put on any clothes,” she said while taking my jeans down.

“You should’ve take yours off before knocking the door”

I undid her blouse.

“Yeah, no more talking, okay?” she mumbled while turning around and took her pants down. Put her elbows on the bed, her back perfectly arched.

“Straight to the point?” I sighed and pulled her head up by her hair “But I want you to keep looking at my face right now”

“You’re feeling kinky, will you talk dirty?”

I licked her neck as she turned around, I gently caressed her clitoris with one finger.

“I won’t make any promises”

She ran her hands through my hair. Sparkling eyes locked in mine. Her warm breathe hit my neck.

“Fine, but don’t stop” she said.

I kissed my way down on her until I was on my knees, caressing her thighs with my hands and I looked up grinning when I licked her most sensitive spot.

When I heard her heavy breathing, I pushed her gently on the bed, I got up to see her naked body and licked my lips while caressing her vulva with my fingers; she was beautiful, wet and warm. I did my best to resist the urge to go deep inside her.

Missionary was not her favorite position but right now I felt like spoiling her a little more than usual. She tangled her legs on my hips, tempting me, and clawed her fingers on my back - up and down - impatiently while making out.

I took her wrists with one hand and put them up her head on the pillow.

“You’re being mean” she whispered with puppy eyes.

“I thought I was spoiling you,” I said while running my tongue over her nipples.

“Yes, you are, I might get accustomed”

I laughed; she was so strange. She led one of her hands down to my dick.

“Put it in”

I shook my head and she pushed my body and rolled us to be on top.

“Do it now”

“We ran out of condoms last night”

“What?!”

She suddenly turned all shy, her cheeks were blushing and she covered her breasts.

“Why didn’t you tell me when I went to buy your hair bleach?”

“I remembered just now, but you can sit on my face”

A sly grin made the timid woman disappear, she came over and I clawed my fingers on her ass while I run the tip of my tongue through her, different paces at different spots - gently where she was sensitive and rough where she wasn’t - and she wiggled her hips slowly, enjoying it.

All I could see from between her legs was her upper body bounce, heard her whispered sighs and I reached my hand down to touch myself. She was at the edge of coming done and she was gorgeous, I wanted to feel it but I had to settle with my hand.

I focused on her clitoris with the tip of my tongue and caressed her hips with my other hand, her knees were trembling, her hands reached my hair, I closed my eyes.

“Da… bi” she stuttered whispering. Her body lost control, turned weaker. “Touya”

I could see it in my mind. I introduced two fingers inside her; tickling her sensitive spot to help her more and with one last swipe of my tongue on her clitoris, she was done.

By now I had memorize every inch of her face when she had an orgasm and it always made me feel so satisfied and amazed as if it was the first time. Being able to make her feel this way was like a prize, I felt like if I was made for this and only this, the rest of the world stopped moving for that moment.

She pulled away unsteady, she kissed me sucking my tongue inside her mouth —I was sure she could taste herself and she liked it, she liked leaving me breathless; I felt like I could die and I wouldn’t mind it.

“Let me help you” she whispered as she went down on me.

After I finished, we cuddled and she fell asleep but I woke up. Just stared at the ceiling, time moved slowly, I had a bad feeling and wanted to get up and get some fresh air.

“Your heart’s racing” she whispered, “are you anxious?”

“I just need air”

We got up, put on some clothes and she opened the window, I took a deep breath.

“What’s wrong?” she asked me, concerned.

I didn’t know, shook my head in silence and she embraced me gently.

“Wanna go out for a walk? Let’s buy some groceries,” she suggested. I touched my face. “I bought some masks in case you didn’t want to go out like this”

We got ready to go for a walk; she put on a mask too.

“We’re spies now!” she exclaimed playful like a kid.

“You’re so cute” I caressed her hair.

“What? Spy ladies are sexy”

“Dummy”

“Let me be” showed me her middle finger; I took her hand and intertwined our fingers, after leaving the building we wandered around for like thirty minutes. It was getting dark.

Everything was normal, I looked around, nobody was looking at us or at least at her, I usually walk behind her to elude the attention she gets. My babe was like a daydream, I used to walk with my head down and pretend she didn’t draw the attention of other misfits like me - but that was the inescapable truth.

She suddenly pointed a convenience store.

“Let’s buy some juice or strawberry milk”

“Sure”

We walked in and I took the mask off my face. A trio of little girls wearing uniforms giggled and whispered to each other and she noticed too.

“Hey, don’t do that! You’re too gorgeous, it’s not fair”

I took her mask off and cupped her face with my hand.

“You’re the pretty face in this relationship, you know that. Go and get your strawberry milk”

“That’s for you, I want an iced coffee,” she said while walking to the aisle. “Grab some chips or instant ramen”

“Yeah”

I was looking for her favorites when the door opened again and I heard a girl’s voice that caught my attention, her words shook the back of my mind:

“Natsu, can we buy some soju? I miss it”

“If you find it we can, you know that,” he answered.

I froze standing there. It can’t be. There must be a thousand guys named Natsu in the area, it can’t be that Natsu, I thought.

I saw a glimpse of white hair moving towards the aisle I was. “Move”, I thought, “move, you piece of…”.

“Hey, Touya, they have mango flavored…” she appeared in front of me unexpectedly and I pulled her and tucked her in my arms.

I saw him and he looked at me for a moment. Natsu and that girl stood right in front of me for only a few seconds but it felt like an hour, he looked just like dad.

“My love? You okay?”

“Let’s go” I said and dragged her to the counter.

I paid and we left the store behind in a rush. I felt the anger heating inside my chest, we would not go home but I couldn’t leave her like this. Maybe that was the bad feeling I had before. We walked to the nearest park, the cold air felt nice, but I felt like shit.

I told her about Natsu.

“I noticed him too, he does look like… that man… but don’t resent him for not recognizing you – even if he saw the resemblance, he grew up thinking his big brother’s dead, he must feel really confuse right now”

I knew she was right, but it wasn’t fair.

“I know” I whispered. I was so mad about the whole situation. “But it still hurts”

The way that I froze and he stared as if his eyes were knives on my chest. My left eye burnt and I felt my cheek wet. I touched it: a single tear shed.

“Touya” she hugged me and buried my face in her shoulder.

“Hana’s quirk is amazing,” I admitted as I felt more tears falling.

“She’s the best”, she agreed.

The last time I cried I was thirteen and set everything on fire, so I pulled away from her and did my best to calm down — but my eye burnt with each tear until it finally stopped. I supposed I burned my tear ducts again.

We stayed at the park for a couple hours, on the way home she reminded me to buy a box of condoms. Usually, we would take turns in the shower, she liked hot water and I liked it cold (my burnt flesh couldn’t stand hot water), but tonight she was clingy and tried to bathe with me.

“I can do this,” she said “I can do this! Tell me I can do this”

“You can’t”

Her naked body was shaking in front of me; I couldn’t lie to her face. She jumped out of the shower the next second and waited to get a hot shower.

“I’ll be working at home these next days,” she announced.

“That’s convenient”

Hana gave me strict instructions to avoid using my quirk for at least a week: “wear SPF 1,000,000 if possible or simply stay indoor during daytime, you’re my masterpiece right now, take care of your skin please,” she said.

“You didn’t leave,” she murmured, “I thought you’d leave me alone at the park”

“It crossed my mind,” I admitted “but I think I make the same mistake every time. I guess I should start doing things right”

“What does it mean? You’ll stay?”

I noticed the excitement in her voice; bit my lip.

“I might try”

Is it enough? I thought. She was settling for less than what she deserved once more.

“I’d like that” she said.

It was too late and she had to work tomorrow morning, but that did not stop us. I supposed I could never give her peace, but she was okay with that; or at least she was good at pretending it was okay.

Spending the day watching TV while she’s working wasn’t exactly my idea of staying with her, but I felt like a dog when I sat next to her and laid my head on her shoulder so I had to do something.

She was typing fast on her laptop, I examined her concentrated face, and it was a mixture of depression with a little rage.

“So… when will you take a break?” I asked her.

“Around ten, I hope”

Barely took her gaze away from the screen. She was sitting at the kitchen island, if I cook anything it would distract her and I didn’t want that.

“You should go back to bed and sleep well,” she mumbled.

“Maybe I will”

“Yeah, do that, hon, we can go for iced coffee later”

I looked at the coffee pot, it was big enough for twelve cups and it was already empty.

“Not sure about that, but okay”

I checked on my phone: nothing new. Thought about the possibilities of getting a real job, but I would need documentation.

I cannot recall when I fell asleep, but when I woke up again she was there by my side, peacefully resting with her eyes closed.

I guess I was wrong, I thought. A cozy feeling filled the bedroom; it wasn’t unfamiliar, there was nothing new after all this time but definitely felt different for the better. I tucked her closer to my chest and unintentionally woke her up.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “go back to sleep”

“No, what time is it? I need to work” she mumbled and checked the clock “damn, five minutes, I’ll make coffee”

“I’ll cook something to eat”

She smiled and stroked my face tenderly.

“You should be a chef, hon”

“Right, as if I could get back all these years”

Or if I wanted that, I thought. Even if I could, that’s not what I wanted.

“I would invest all my money to open a place just for you. No one would know who you are, my love”

Her face glimmered; she really believed me when I said I’d stay. How could I ever live if I end up leaving again?

I wouldn’t, I thought, I’d have to die.

“Are you doing this for real?” I pulled her closer, “Are you planning a future with me?”

“I’ve been doing it for years, thank you for noticing” she said and kissed the tip of my nose. “Gotta work, hon, gotta work, gotta work”

She fled out of the room and I followed. When she was finally done with her schedule, we got ready to go out. I took a mask and she threw it off my hand.

“Don’t! I want to show off my boyfriend”

“Why?” I asked.

“Yesterday you took my hand and intertwined our fingers, you rarely do that. You tend to walk behind me as if you were about to mug me, but I think you gained confidence now — and I like it. Even if you burn your face again, stay by my side for the rest of my life, okay?”

“I might go back to black hair”

“I like that too. I like every single thing about you, are we clear?”

“Like water”

“Good, now let’s get drunk as fuck!”

She pulled my arm as we were leaving the apartment. In a million lives, I would never thank her enough for everything.

We went to a bar really far from where she lived, it was new to me, underground, and I saw a “no uninvited man allowed” sign as we crossed the door. I walked behind her, she went straight to the bartender and ordered a bottle of something and the bartender served many different colored shots.

“You’re kidding, you gotta work tomorrow!” I yelled so she could hear me above the music.

“You told me you’d stay! We gotta celebrate!” she shouted back and drank directly from the bottle.

“What’s that?!” I wanted to know, but I didn’t understand her, the music was too loud.

“Try this! It’s sweet!” she gave me a shot of whatever-neon-purple-beverage thing and she was right, it didn’t taste like alcohol at all “I love those, hon”

“I bet you do!”

She drank a couple of shots and I grabbed the bottle, it smelled like cheap booze, took a sip of it.

“It tastes like cheap booze,” I muttered.

“It IS booze!” she yelled and laugh, she looked dizzy already, “those are the good ones here!” she pointed at the counter and the fifteen different-colored shots she ordered were gone.

I saw her drunk a thousand times, something was wrong here. The bartender served her another shitty drink and I immediately took it away.

“What’s this?!” I yelled and smelled it, it smelled like a margarita but it didn’t look like it.

“That’s to dilute the shots! I’ve been here before, my love!”

She was acting like a teenager drinking for the first time, I didn’t like this, but the booze was fine and I’d take her home safely so I let it slide. She drag me to the dancefloor, she had a way to make everything around disappear when we were out, and so when she dances I just follow her lead.

This reminded me of one time she ordered tequila for the first time and some asshole tried to pull her away from me. She was still innocent back then, always trying on new things to avoid boredom.

She clung onto me and kissed me passionately. Her arms wrapped round my neck, her body fitting perfectly tighten to mine. Too affectionate to be in public, so I thought that was my sign.

“But we just got here!” she complained, but I wasn’t going to let her ruin her reputation publicly, not even for a minute.

It was cold outside; I gave her my jacket. We walked a little trying to get a cab.

“Touya, I’m fine,” she mumbled, “seriously, let’s go back, we barely spend thirty minutes…”

“You drank like a sailor in the first sixty seconds, how could you even measure time?”

When we finally found a taxi, I felt a little dizzy. The road turned to flashing lights; she squeezed my hand three times in the back of the taxi. The driver said something I barely remember.

I don’t know how or when we got home.

Suddenly we were making out in her bedroom, taking our clothes off. In a blink of an eye, she was riding me desperately, still half-naked, moaning out of pleasure and my shaky hands were touching her nipples.

I felt like the whole bedroom was moving.

I clawed my fingers on her hips, laid her down and lifted her legs; put her ankles on my shoulders and changed the pace, deeper and faster. She pulled my head down to kiss and bite my lips.

It felt like a dream. I don’t know when we finished or if we did it. Morning light came through the window, I opened my eyes and she wasn’t there. I picked up the clothes on the floor and made the bed — I didn’t find the condom.

She was on her laptop, wearing my shirt, a messy bun and big dark eye circles.

“Did you sleep?” I asked.

“Like three minutes,” she answered with husky voice.

She looked focused but I had to know.

“Hey, did you, by any chance, picked up the condom?”

“The what?” she looked at me, “I’m sloppy right now, sorry, what did you say?”

“The condom, I didn’t see it”

Silence. Her eyes widened, she covered her mouth.

“Me neither” she murmured but I heard.

I felt shock; she froze.

“We — We’ve been reckless before” I tried to be calm but I stuttered, “I probably pulled out before…”

“You don’t remember?!” she reproached me.

“Oh, you’re one to talk! What was in those purple shits?”

“You mean shots”

“I meant what I said”

She rubbed her face with both hands.

“My love, I really don’t have time for this, let me clear this other mess first and then we’ll handle the other mess”, she said while typing again.

“Did you take a bath or…?”

“Do I look fresh to you?!” she freaked out, typed faster and loud. I saw the coffee machine was clean so I assumed she hadn’t have her morning coffee yet.

I walked cautiously in the kitchen, made a full meal and placed the plates and coffee as near to her as I thought it was reasonable; then I took a shower.

When I saw her again she looked better, still a mess but calm.

“How’s it going?” I asked from a safe distance.

“I got this” her tone was back to normal. I waited in the living room.

When she finally closed her laptop, she looked at me and gasped for air, ran her hand through her hair. I felt genuinely scared, but I didn’t show it.

“I have to sleep,” she said and teleported, she was that tired; she rarely used her quirk. I saw her in her bedroom: she was lying on her stomach, her face buried on the pillow. I laid by her side and tried to touch her hair but she caught my hand.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“I’m mad at me” she mumbled on the pillow, she rolled to her side and looked at me, “I’ve been there before; drink, dance, the usual, and then I would come home by myself; I know it’s an illegal bar but I thought it was a safe place for woman”

“Some places change when they gain a little popularity”

“And that single shot took you down too? What the fuck did they put in it? I liked them because they’re sweet”

“Maybe they had something”

She came closer and cuddled.

“Thank God you were there”

I wanted to bring back the condom topic — it itched my brain — but knowing that she has been there on her own before and this happened suddenly didn’t sit well. Maybe the other male clients were all accompanying their girlfriends but the bartender wasn’t — and he was a man, after all.

“Never go back there, ‘kay?” I said.

“Yep”

“From now on, we can celebrate like normal people,” I suggested. “We could buy cake and balloons if you want to celebrate that much”

“Really?” her eyes sparkled.

“Sure, it’ll be fun”

I wasn’t sure at all, but I tried at least for that one week to stop running with the wolves. I tried to settle down, but everynight at 2 A. M. I found myself staring at the ceiling.

I wondered how she does this everyday. On day five, I was losing my grip, I don’t know how I managed to keep my shit together; on day six, I dyed my hair black.

Seventh day arrived; she looked at me and asked:

“Will you go out today?”

“I have to make some money”

“How?” she wanted to know, but I wouldn’t tell. I never told her before, I wouldn’t tell her now. “Will you come back?”

I wanted to say “yes” but I didn’t wanna lie. Realization crossed her gaze.

“Old habits die hard,” she mumbled disappointed and picked up the plates. “Way to go, tiger”

“I’m coming back,” I said but she didn’t look at me.

“This happens all the time,” she continued and it cut deep; she was upset as if I was already gone.

“That’s not fair,” I said.

“You don’t get to tell me what’s fair, Toya!” she reproached me: “Do you wanna know what’s unfair? The fact that… you – out of all people – discard me all the time”

That really pissed me off.

“Shut up”

“I knew it was too good to be true”

“You want me to stay here? I gotta work too, I have to make my own money! I’m not gonna live out of your income as if I was your bitch, this is already your place filled with your stuff…”

“You can bring stuff too”

“That is not what I mean, damn, you’re being so stupid!”

I wasn’t thinking when I said it, but I regretted immediately; her eyes widened and she came to me as if she was gonna kick my balls, I grabbed both her arms and hugged her.

“No, I didn’t mean it”

She bit my shoulder so hard I wept a little.

“Touya, if you don’t come back…”

“I’m obsessed with you,” I interrupted her “I’ll see you later”

We parted ways outside the building, she went to work and I –after sending some messages- went to make my own money too. On my way, I saw some kids on their way to school, it freaked me out because I forgot about the lost condom and she probably forgot too.

“Did you get your period?” sent.

She was writing… and writing… and writing…

“No, Touya, I’m not on those days of the month” Read.

By now, I wasn’t sure if she was using my real name because she was pissed or because I requested it a week ago. I felt sick and fucked up. I thought about us pushing a stroller and threw up on the street.

People avoided me in a circle; some hero clown came to me and asked:

“Are you okay, boy?”

“Get off my face!”

He tried to put his hand on me but I managed to get away; I put on a mask and mixed with the crowd.

When I arrived to the headquarters, the morons I worked with were being too cautious as I expected; I covered my face but my neck was uncovered.

“Who the fuck are you?” my boss asked.

“Dabi”

“Take that stupid mask off, are you sick?” he asked and I took the mask off, “What the fuck happened to you?”

“I cashed in a favor” I lied.

“That’s not your real face, don’t lie, you look like a pretty kid” he smirked and laughed.

“Where’s the idiot you need me to handle? I gotta go”

“Sure, after that little vacation you just had, see if I care”

After a good amount of bravado, I went with other two morons to handle a few poor souls that didn’t pay in time. I told the others that when I got my payment, I would quit, so they’d have to find their own way to handle their clients.

“What do you mean you quit? No one quits here” said moron one.

“Funny, I just did” I smirked.

“You think the boss doesn’t know where you go when you disappear? We all know” said moron two.

“So what?”

“So what?!” both of them were surprised. I hated them.

“He’ll send somebody after your little girlfriend. Think!” said moron one.

I thought about it a million times before.

“No one can touch her” I said.

If we move out.

“What do you mean?” asked moron two.

If I warn her.

“None of you would be able to catch her, plus the boss won’t send anybody after her, she’s not the reason I quit”

If I protect her. She’ll be alright.

“Sure, you just got that surgery on your face and now you quit. You probably think you can straighten your life, but…” moron one started a whole monologue I wasn’t even gonna pretend I was hearing.

Her dad’s a big fish too, I thought, she’s well covered even if I’m not with her.

“Dabi, is she pregnant?” moron two asked me and caught me off guard. He burst a laugh “Holy shit, she is pregnant”

“You’re soooo fucked up” moron one joined him.

“In that case, I think you may quit. Our boss is a family man after all”

He wasn’t a family man, he had a family with his first ex-wife but their kids were all grown and he was married to a fourth wife now. They mocked me all the way back to our boss’ office.

“Let me be there when you tell him you’re quitting, I wanna see you get fuck” they laughed then, but kept quiet when I told our boss this was the last time I’d do this for a living.

The big old man looked at me, made a face and gasped for air.

“Come with me, man,” he commanded with a serious tone in his voice, he usually calls me kid; I followed him in silence. “I think I know what’s going on here and let me tell you something you need to know”

He thinks my girlfriend’s pregnant too, I thought. He wasn’t gonna get my guard off too. He brought a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

“Marriage isn’t that great” he said and poured the whiskey. My mind went completely blank. “Woman these days! They are… insufferable! Especially if they have quirks, it makes them think they don’t need you but they want you to give them everything you have”

I had no words and he had a whole speech prepared apparently, so I just listened and drank the whiskey.

“I know I’m not your father but my eldest is almost your age,” he said in a sentimental tone, “sometimes I just see him in you”

“We’re good,” I mumbled and he poured some more whiskey.

“So tell me, when’s the date?”

I drank the whiskey as if it was water.

“I’m not getting married,” I answered.

He looked at me perplexed for a second.

“Get the fuck out of here”

I stood up and walked to the door.

“Hey Dabi, if you ever need quick-cash, just send me a message”

I just nodded.

It was dark outside; I wondered if she was still at her workplace.

“Want a coffee?” Sent.

“I’m good” Read.

She sent a picture, she was at her favorite coffee shop, near her building. I hurried to meet her there, but couldn’t find her so I called her.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“At the park”

I hurried again to find her. She was sitting alone with a bottle in her hand, she was drinking soju now — it was strawberry flavored — I took it when I sat next to her.

“You came,” she mumbled a little sad.

“I told you I would and you should be careful of whatever you eat or drink until you get your period, missy”

“Hey, my grandma sent me that”

“I don’t give a fuck”

She didn’t fight back, laid her head on my shoulder.

“Were you drinking?” she asked.

“A little”

“Darling” she whispered, “We need to leave the apartment”

I tried to look at her but she kept her head down.

“We’ll find a place”

“No, I mean right now, my mother got us evicted”

“Oh”

So that’s why she was drinking, I thought. I wondered where all of her stuff was.

Story of a villain - Part 1

Hello and goodnight (I'm assuming you're looking for a little reading before bedtime)

DABI STANS, it is my pleasure to release the little something I've been working on for a while.

As I mentioned before: it has male POV, a little explicit smut, drama (obviously) and I also made a conexion to the first fanfic that I posted (family and quirk of the female lead)

This is a long story , but I try to use the light novel format to make it a quick reading so a lot of things will happen this is not just some "smut" fic, this is a whole fanfiction.

This is just the first part and it has over 7000 words.

I'm not sure about the title though because he's not a villain here but we'll get there, I promise.

Also, I would like to give a name to our female lead - she has one - but I'm not sure if readers would like it. Lately, I've read a lot of "you" and "y/n" on all of the fanfics platforms and I'm insecure about naming original characters so I just changed it to "babe" or simply erased it from the sentence.

I think that's pretty much it, feel free to send me messages to correct mistakes, english isn't my first language so there must be a lot of parts that don't make sense.

PART 1

“Do you ever feel… scared of me?” I asked.

“I often feel scare of losing you forever, why?”

“Not that, I mean afraid of me, like if I would ever physically hurt you”

“Wha-why? What did I do? What happened?” she looked at me completely confused, she was making coffee while I was making French toasts for breakfast.

“You’re not getting it”

I shook my head and she came closer.

“No, I do. I’ve never been scared of you, Dabi. Don’t be weird, hon”

“Not even when we first met? I know I’m not exactly good-looking — or good at all. I know what I look like and I notice what other girls say, the way they look at me…”

“You notice other girls?” she looked straight into my soul for a second.

“You know what I mean, missy” I poked her forehead “Don’t ravel my words”

“You’re burning the French toasts”

“Shit, shit, shit” I turned the stove off.

She took a deep breath.

“Are you leaving again?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“Have you been watching doramas?”

“No” I chuckled.

“Good, I hate those things, half the problems are caused by miscommunication, so please, pleeease tell me why would you think I’ve ever felt scared of you?”

“I already told you, you didn’t listen”

“Touya” she only used my real name when she was pissed “I love you, why would you care about other people staring or whispering dumb shit about your looks?”

“I don’t know”

When I was seventeen, I met the strangest girl in Japan. I didn’t know all of the girls but I was sure, she was strange, not simply weird or chaotic, strange; and the reason she was so strange is because she liked me.

I liked her too… Well, I loved her.

The thing is I cannot stay with her, no matter how much I want to or how much she begs for it; but I would rather die than letting her go, therefore I just come and go all the time.

Surprisingly, she waits for me. I only left twice since I met her, for a few months — two, five — and in different occasions I only disappeared because I needed to make my own money and I don’t want her to be involved in anything that I do, so I leave for a couple of days, maybe a week each month.

The first time I left because I got scared, I was getting too attached to her cold hands and warm kisses, I used to sneak in her house and we’d cuddle in her bedroom, she less than a year younger but we liked each other madly and eventually we had sex. I never thought I could feel that much.

“Will you still like me after this?” she asked the first time.

“I think I like you even more,” I mumbled.

Her bright eyes widened, she gave me a breathtaking kiss.

“Can we do it again?” she asked.

She kept my brittle heart warm and we ablaze her bed together. We grew up together and went from sneaking in and out from her parent’s house to going to underground clubs and bars and it was enough, for me it was enough.

She wanted more and she deserved it, I just couldn’t do it.

“You make me feel like a fool waiting for you,” she said one night before falling asleep.

Now that we were older, I’d come to her apartment, spend the night together and we’d have breakfast before she’d go to work, a good work at her father’s company. I used to pace the apartment before leaving.

I meditated a lot about my feelings about us; I knew it wasn’t exactly scare of commitment. We knew the type of relationship we had, that was clear and I was all in it. She was pretty, affectionate, loyal and I… well, I was use to give 200% of myself in everything I do.

“Take your name back, I’ll help you,” she said one afternoon at her favorite coffee shop.

“I can’t”

Because of that, I was scared

She belonged to me; she became my home. No words needed, I thought, I think she knows. I didn’t feel like I could – no, I didn’t want to fit in her perfectly normal life.

I could go anywhere I wanted, but I’d keep running back to her and every time she’d open her door for me; caress me, kiss me and make love like if it was the last time.

“We could run away together” she used to say before falling asleep.

Every now and then, she would say: “Let’s run away, let’s get out of this country, I’ll go anywhere you go” but never insisted a lot; maybe she was afraid that if she was too clingy I’d run away on my own.

Maybe I needed her to cling onto me to stay. Who could know?

I liked watching her sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could feel time moving, I’d put my hand on her breathing chest just to make sure she was real.

“Do you remember my friend Hana?” she said randomly one morning while making coffee, “she’s a med student and she has a healing quirk, I was thinking she could help to regenerate your skin. Only if you want to, my love”

“Why?”

I didn’t think it was possible but I wouldn’t mind if it was.

“Well — I just thought, it could help you to look and feel better, even if it’s for a short time…” she was murmuring but I could hear, she had something in mind but she wasn’t gonna say.

“Okay” I agreed and she smiled, I hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead.

Every morning she would get her cup of coffee and become a kitten. Then she’d go to work and I’d stay a little longer and turn the housewife mode on. She didn’t know though.

It was fun. In my imagination it was the other way round, I liked picturing a different life while cleaning: I’d go to work at my father’s hero agency and she’d be a lovely housewife, by now we’d have our first kid, hopefully a girl, by God’s grace she’d have my sister’s temper!

She would be calm, nerdy, sweet and beautiful as her mother. Of course, this was all in my imagination.

I hated thinking about my family, but I liked the idea of us starting a family. One completely different to the family that I had, one where no one is use and discarded. However, it’s never going to happen. Not only because I stopped living by my name, but also because both her parents knew about me — and they loathed me.

At first, her mother made a scandal, she screamed and punched a maid in the face out of anger, and then her father talked to me in private, he handled it better than I expected.

“Whatever phase she’s going through I don’t give a fuck, you better never knock her up, I’ll strangle you myself if you dare”

He had balls and I respected that, at least enough — but only because I loved her.

Around seven years later, that phase wasn’t over and they were getting impatient, her mom would come to her apartment and change the door’s password (as if I needed it) on random days. The last time I was still there.

“You, get out. Now” she commanded and just as I crossed the door, she ranted: “Just because we work hard to keep this a secret doesn’t mean we’ll ever accept you, I’ll find a good suitor soon and she’ll marry him, get out of her life already!”

I sighed.

“I work just as hard to keep my manners, ma’am.” I lighted my hand with blue flames. She gasped.

“Are you threatening me?”

I just walked away. I don’t do threats.

About an hour later, I got a bunch of “sorry” messages and a phone call.

“I swear I’m gonna change the whole fucking door if it’s necessary… even better! I’m moving out and will never give her my new address so we can fully live together, you won’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to”

She started a whole speech about living together, I could imagine her walking in circles and moving her free hand all around and it made my day just listening but a life like that… it was impossible.

“You still coming home tonight, right?”

“I got a lot of things to do, babe”

“Wanna go out?”

I laughed.

“It’s Tuesday, you have work tomorrow, just eat your dinner and go to bed”

“Did you cook?” she asked happily.

“Yeah, probably”

“Did you burn it?”

“You’ll find out, send me a pic before you go to bed”

“Of course. I love you”

“Me too”

I’d never say “I love you” on the phone, it was too embarrassing, but she was fine with it.

A week later, she caught me off guard. It was her day off and her friend Hana came over.

“I don’t know how you manage to live here, it took me forever to get to this floor and I used the elevator! Oh, OH! He’s here! Good morning, Dabi!”

I suddenly remembered how talkative Hana is.

“Morning”

I met Hana when they were in high school — they were childhood friends. At first, Hana was cautious when I was around, she used to leave us alone almost immediately, I think Hana might have tried to talk her out of this, but obviously it didn’t work.

I don’t know when we started to get along.

“Good morning, sunshine!” my baby greeted her playfully.

“Good morning! You’re having breakfast, am I early? Really? You woke up late, it can’t be me. Can I have some? I ate before coming but I spend a lot of energy to come, the subway, the cab, the goddamn elevator, I’m starve!”

Hana was like a shot of espresso, and my babe is a caffeine maniac.

“I made extra, sit down please” my baby served two plates, orange juice and coffee just for Hana.

Hana’s quirk required her own energy to heal others if I’m not wrong, I realized why I didn’t have to make breakfast this morning.

“So you’re a med student,” I said casually.

“I’m resident already” Hana took a sip of orange juice.

“A what now?” I was in disbelief “Did you bribe her?”

“Not yet” she smiled.

“Oh, shut up” Hana laughed “I was just lucky my quirk is too useful and we’ve been friends for a long time. I know you both if I’m allowed to say so and also I’m curious about what you’d look like if I can fix at least those patches under your eyes”

They had a lot to catch up while Hana was eating; I kept bringing plates to the table just to make sure they had enough time to talk and create my chance to disappear.

I made my way to the door and Hana caught me.

“Where do you think you’re going, sir?”

“We ran out of orange juice”

“We have enough orange juice, go lay on the couch now,” my love commanded and I obeyed.

For a moment, I thought at least Hana would be quite while using her quirk, but she was like a radio host.

She required physical touch and her eyes analyzed me as if she could see right through my burned flesh.

“The damage is too deep, I don’t know if I can fix your tear ducts, you can close your eyes and don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt” she was narrating every single step while massaging both of my burned patches of skin under my eyes. “I’m removing your dead cells, I know it feels weird.”

I felt a little tickles but not enough to laugh.

“This isn’t exactly regenerating, you can’t bring back to life a cell once that is dead, but I can put your living cells to work and create new ones while removing death skin with this massage. This might take a while, but trust the process”

A few minutes later she washed her hands, my babe bought iced coffee and sweets, and Hana kept working hard on fixing my mess.

“You can go and watch a movie on TV, dear, you don’t have to keep feeding me, we’ll be fine,” Hana said.

“I’m starting to feel bad for giving you work on the little free time you have”

“It’s okay, I’m serious”

“Well… I… if you need anything just ask” she said before going to the bedroom.

“Talking requires energy too, you know,” I mumbled when she massaged my neck.

“It feels weird touching people like this in complete silence; you could talk if you want me to shut up”

“I have nothing to share with you, sorry”

“Well, you’ve been dating my best friend for a long time, we’re adults now and I’d like to know how serious you are about your future”

“Are you her mom?”

“I am concerned,” she admitted.

I opened my eyes, she gave me her more serious gaze and she was the type of girl that stops mid-walking just to say “hi” to all the kittens. She meant it.

“Concerned about what?”

“A lot of things! I don’t know your real name” she started a whole speech but kept working on my skin with a little more pressure as if she was prepared for this, “I know you’ve been an important part of her life since high school, you’re practically a pillar! When I first saw you I thought she was in big troubles, but you’re good to her in your own way; you don’t take anything from her and you keep her centered, you cook for her and…”

“So? Where’s the ‘but’ I’m waiting for?”

She stopped massaging my skin.

“I don’t know, I never dated anyone, but another friend just got engaged and I thought… when will I go to my best friend’s wedding?”

She sighed.

“I can’t do that”, I said.

Her eyes turned to knives figuratively, I was sure a thousand ways to kill me were running inside her mind.

“But my name is Touya”

I was surprised when she smiled.

“Good enough, I’ll take that for now” she took something out of her purse “And by the way, you’re really handsome, Touya. I bet she knew before anyone else”

Hana handed me a mirror, her fingertips had pieces of my burned skin stacked but she didn’t seem to mind at all. I was speechless when I saw my reflection; I couldn’t even see the parts where my skin used to be parted.

I touched the staples and piercings I had to keep it all together.

“I didn’t remove them because I suppose you’ll use your quirk again even though you shouldn’t”

“Thank you”

By now, she completely regenerated my face’ skin and half of my neck. She kept working in silence; she started to look tired but didn’t stop.

It took her over six hours to regenerate my skin from the neck down to my chest, she worked hard and it showed.

“I heard silence and I got worry, how’s it gooo… oh my god, Hana!”

“The devil’s in the details! I’d like to help a little more but I’m exhausted”

“You can take a nap here,” my babe pointed out the room.

“Oh no, I’m sure you’d like some alone time right now. I’ll have more coffee before leaving and can I have some toasts?”

“Everything inside my fridge is yours, you earned it”

Hana almost leaped from the living room to the kitchen, she was tired and starving but managed to keep her cool — and now I admired her, but I wouldn’t admit it out loud. My babe sat next to me and touched my face carefully.

“How does it feel?” she asked me, rubbing the back of her hand on my cheek.

“Soft. Good”, I admitted. “Can you go out and buy something for me?”

“Of course, my love, what do you need?”

After some instructions (and snacks), my babe and Hana were going out the door when she tried to give her something.

“Oh no, it’s okay, I just ate everything in your kitchen”

“This is for your silence”, she said resolute.

“Oh I see”, Hana mumbled and took it.

When she came back home, she helped me to bleach my hair. I was drying my hair with a towel in front of the mirror and barely believed my eyes, my whole face and now my white hair… it was as if nothing ever happened; except for the staples.

“My love, are you okay?” she knocked the door.

I lost the words when I opened the door and saw her big bright eyes and her pupils dilated, it felt so good as if I was reborn.

“Just for now, call me Touya,” I said taking her hand and pulling her closer to me.

“Touya… Can I kiss you now?”

“We’re so doing more than that”

We started kissing, she slipped her tongue into my mouth and I picked her up, tangled her legs around my hips, and touched my cheeks with her cold hands. It always felt nice. I took her to the bedroom; she was breathless when I put her down.

“You shouldn’t have put on any clothes,” she said while taking my jeans down.

“You should’ve take yours off before knocking the door”

I undid her blouse.

“Yeah, no more talking, okay?” she mumbled while turning around and took her pants down. Put her elbows on the bed, her back perfectly arched.

“Straight to the point?” I sighed and pulled her head up by her hair “But I want you to keep looking at my face right now”

“You’re feeling kinky, will you talk dirty?”

I licked her neck as she turned around, I gently caressed her clitoris with one finger.

“I won’t make any promises”

She ran her hands through my hair. Sparkling eyes locked in mine. Her warm breathe hit my neck.

“Fine, but don’t stop” she said.

I kissed my way down on her until I was on my knees, caressing her thighs with my hands and I looked up grinning when I licked her most sensitive spot.

When I heard her heavy breathing, I pushed her gently on the bed, I got up to see her naked body and licked my lips while caressing her vulva with my fingers; she was beautiful, wet and warm. I did my best to resist the urge to go deep inside her.

Missionary was not her favorite position but right now I felt like spoiling her a little more than usual. She tangled her legs on my hips, tempting me, and clawed her fingers on my back - up and down - impatiently while making out.

I took her wrists with one hand and put them up her head on the pillow.

“You’re being mean” she whispered with puppy eyes.

“I thought I was spoiling you,” I said while running my tongue over her nipples.

“Yes, you are, I might get accustomed”

I laughed; she was so strange. She led one of her hands down to my dick.

“Put it in”

I shook my head and she pushed my body and rolled us to be on top.

“Do it now”

“We ran out of condoms last night”

“What?!”

She suddenly turned all shy, her cheeks were blushing and she covered her breasts.

“Why didn’t you tell me when I went to buy your hair bleach?”

“I remembered just now, but you can sit on my face”

A sly grin made the timid woman disappear, she came over and I clawed my fingers on her ass while I run the tip of my tongue through her, different paces at different spots - gently where she was sensitive and rough where she wasn’t - and she wiggled her hips slowly, enjoying it.

All I could see from between her legs was her upper body bounce, heard her whispered sighs and I reached my hand down to touch myself. She was at the edge of coming done and she was gorgeous, I wanted to feel it but I had to settle with my hand.

I focused on her clitoris with the tip of my tongue and caressed her hips with my other hand, her knees were trembling, her hands reached my hair, I closed my eyes.

“Da… bi” she stuttered whispering. Her body lost control, turned weaker. “Touya”

I could see it in my mind. I introduced two fingers inside her; tickling her sensitive spot to help her more and with one last swipe of my tongue on her clitoris, she was done.

By now I had memorize every inch of her face when she had an orgasm and it always made me feel so satisfied and amazed as if it was the first time. Being able to make her feel this way was like a prize, I felt like if I was made for this and only this, the rest of the world stopped moving for that moment.

She pulled away unsteady, she kissed me sucking my tongue inside her mouth —I was sure she could taste herself and she liked it, she liked leaving me breathless; I felt like I could die and I wouldn’t mind it.

“Let me help you” she whispered as she went down on me.

After I finished, we cuddled and she fell asleep but I woke up. Just stared at the ceiling, time moved slowly, I had a bad feeling and wanted to get up and get some fresh air.

“Your heart’s racing” she whispered, “are you anxious?”

“I just need air”

We got up, put on some clothes and she opened the window, I took a deep breath.

“What’s wrong?” she asked me, concerned.

I didn’t know, shook my head in silence and she embraced me gently.

“Wanna go out for a walk? Let’s buy some groceries,” she suggested. I touched my face. “I bought some masks in case you didn’t want to go out like this”

We got ready to go for a walk; she put on a mask too.

“We’re spies now!” she exclaimed playful like a kid.

“You’re so cute” I caressed her hair.

“What? Spy ladies are sexy”

“Dummy”

“Let me be” showed me her middle finger; I took her hand and intertwined our fingers, after leaving the building we wandered around for like thirty minutes. It was getting dark.

Everything was normal, I looked around, nobody was looking at us or at least at her, I usually walk behind her to elude the attention she gets. My babe was like a daydream, I used to walk with my head down and pretend she didn’t draw the attention of other misfits like me - but that was the inescapable truth.

She suddenly pointed a convenience store.

“Let’s buy some juice or strawberry milk”

“Sure”

We walked in and I took the mask off my face. A trio of little girls wearing uniforms giggled and whispered to each other and she noticed too.

“Hey, don’t do that! You’re too gorgeous, it’s not fair”

I took her mask off and cupped her face with my hand.

“You’re the pretty face in this relationship, you know that. Go and get your strawberry milk”

“That’s for you, I want an iced coffee,” she said while walking to the aisle. “Grab some chips or instant ramen”

“Yeah”

I was looking for her favorites when the door opened again and I heard a girl’s voice that caught my attention, her words shook the back of my mind:

“Natsu, can we buy some soju? I miss it”

“If you find it we can, you know that,” he answered.

I froze standing there. It can’t be. There must be a thousand guys named Natsu in the area, it can’t be that Natsu, I thought.

I saw a glimpse of white hair moving towards the aisle I was. “Move”, I thought, “move, you piece of…”.

“Hey, Touya, they have mango flavored…” she appeared in front of me unexpectedly and I pulled her and tucked her in my arms.

I saw him and he looked at me for a moment. Natsu and that girl stood right in front of me for only a few seconds but it felt like an hour, he looked just like dad.

“My love? You okay?”

“Let’s go” I said and dragged her to the counter.

I paid and we left the store behind in a rush. I felt the anger heating inside my chest, we would not go home but I couldn’t leave her like this. Maybe that was the bad feeling I had before. We walked to the nearest park, the cold air felt nice, but I felt like shit.

I told her about Natsu.

“I noticed him too, he does look like… that man… but don’t resent him for not recognizing you – even if he saw the resemblance, he grew up thinking his big brother’s dead, he must feel really confuse right now”

I knew she was right, but it wasn’t fair.

“I know” I whispered. I was so mad about the whole situation. “But it still hurts”

The way that I froze and he stared as if his eyes were knives on my chest. My left eye burnt and I felt my cheek wet. I touched it: a single tear shed.

“Touya” she hugged me and buried my face in her shoulder.

“Hana’s quirk is amazing,” I admitted as I felt more tears falling.

“She’s the best”, she agreed.

The last time I cried I was thirteen and set everything on fire, so I pulled away from her and did my best to calm down — but my eye burnt with each tear until it finally stopped. I supposed I burned my tear ducts again.

We stayed at the park for a couple hours, on the way home she reminded me to buy a box of condoms. Usually, we would take turns in the shower, she liked hot water and I liked it cold (my burnt flesh couldn’t stand hot water), but tonight she was clingy and tried to bathe with me.

“I can do this,” she said “I can do this! Tell me I can do this”

“You can’t”

Her naked body was shaking in front of me; I couldn’t lie to her face. She jumped out of the shower the next second and waited to get a hot shower.

“I’ll be working at home these next days,” she announced.

“That’s convenient”

Hana gave me strict instructions to avoid using my quirk for at least a week: “wear SPF 1,000,000 if possible or simply stay indoor during daytime, you’re my masterpiece right now, take care of your skin please,” she said.

“You didn’t leave,” she murmured, “I thought you’d leave me alone at the park”

“It crossed my mind,” I admitted “but I think I make the same mistake every time. I guess I should start doing things right”

“What does it mean? You’ll stay?”

I noticed the excitement in her voice; bit my lip.

“I might try”

Is it enough? I thought. She was settling for less than what she deserved once more.

“I’d like that” she said.

It was too late and she had to work tomorrow morning, but that did not stop us. I supposed I could never give her peace, but she was okay with that; or at least she was good at pretending it was okay.

Spending the day watching TV while she’s working wasn’t exactly my idea of staying with her, but I felt like a dog when I sat next to her and laid my head on her shoulder so I had to do something.

She was typing fast on her laptop, I examined her concentrated face, and it was a mixture of depression with a little rage.

“So… when will you take a break?” I asked her.

“Around ten, I hope”

Barely took her gaze away from the screen. She was sitting at the kitchen island, if I cook anything it would distract her and I didn’t want that.

“You should go back to bed and sleep well,” she mumbled.

“Maybe I will”

“Yeah, do that, hon, we can go for iced coffee later”

I looked at the coffee pot, it was big enough for twelve cups and it was already empty.

“Not sure about that, but okay”

I checked on my phone: nothing new. Thought about the possibilities of getting a real job, but I would need documentation.

I cannot recall when I fell asleep, but when I woke up again she was there by my side, peacefully resting with her eyes closed.

I guess I was wrong, I thought. A cozy feeling filled the bedroom; it wasn’t unfamiliar, there was nothing new after all this time but definitely felt different for the better. I tucked her closer to my chest and unintentionally woke her up.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “go back to sleep”

“No, what time is it? I need to work” she mumbled and checked the clock “damn, five minutes, I’ll make coffee”

“I’ll cook something to eat”

She smiled and stroked my face tenderly.

“You should be a chef, hon”

“Right, as if I could get back all these years”

Or if I wanted that, I thought. Even if I could, that’s not what I wanted.

“I would invest all my money to open a place just for you. No one would know who you are, my love”

Her face glimmered; she really believed me when I said I’d stay. How could I ever live if I end up leaving again?

I wouldn’t, I thought, I’d have to die.

“Are you doing this for real?” I pulled her closer, “Are you planning a future with me?”

“I’ve been doing it for years, thank you for noticing” she said and kissed the tip of my nose. “Gotta work, hon, gotta work, gotta work”

She fled out of the room and I followed. When she was finally done with her schedule, we got ready to go out. I took a mask and she threw it off my hand.

“Don’t! I want to show off my boyfriend”

“Why?” I asked.

“Yesterday you took my hand and intertwined our fingers, you rarely do that. You tend to walk behind me as if you were about to mug me, but I think you gained confidence now — and I like it. Even if you burn your face again, stay by my side for the rest of my life, okay?”

“I might go back to black hair”

“I like that too. I like every single thing about you, are we clear?”

“Like water”

“Good, now let’s get drunk as fuck!”

She pulled my arm as we were leaving the apartment. In a million lives, I would never thank her enough for everything.

We went to a bar really far from where she lived, it was new to me, underground, and I saw a “no uninvited man allowed” sign as we crossed the door. I walked behind her, she went straight to the bartender and ordered a bottle of something and the bartender served many different colored shots.

“You’re kidding, you gotta work tomorrow!” I yelled so she could hear me above the music.

“You told me you’d stay! We gotta celebrate!” she shouted back and drank directly from the bottle.

“What’s that?!” I wanted to know, but I didn’t understand her, the music was too loud.

“Try this! It’s sweet!” she gave me a shot of whatever-neon-purple-beverage thing and she was right, it didn’t taste like alcohol at all “I love those, hon”

“I bet you do!”

She drank a couple of shots and I grabbed the bottle, it smelled like cheap booze, took a sip of it.

“It tastes like cheap booze,” I muttered.

“It IS booze!” she yelled and laugh, she looked dizzy already, “those are the good ones here!” she pointed at the counter and the fifteen different-colored shots she ordered were gone.

I saw her drunk a thousand times, something was wrong here. The bartender served her another shitty drink and I immediately took it away.

“What’s this?!” I yelled and smelled it, it smelled like a margarita but it didn’t look like it.

“That’s to dilute the shots! I’ve been here before, my love!”

She was acting like a teenager drinking for the first time, I didn’t like this, but the booze was fine and I’d take her home safely so I let it slide. She drag me to the dancefloor, she had a way to make everything around disappear when we were out, and so when she dances I just follow her lead.

This reminded me of one time she ordered tequila for the first time and some asshole tried to pull her away from me. She was still innocent back then, always trying on new things to avoid boredom.

She clung onto me and kissed me passionately. Her arms wrapped round my neck, her body fitting perfectly tighten to mine. Too affectionate to be in public, so I thought that was my sign.

“But we just got here!” she complained, but I wasn’t going to let her ruin her reputation publicly, not even for a minute.

It was cold outside; I gave her my jacket. We walked a little trying to get a cab.

“Touya, I’m fine,” she mumbled, “seriously, let’s go back, we barely spend thirty minutes…”

“You drank like a sailor in the first sixty seconds, how could you even measure time?”

When we finally found a taxi, I felt a little dizzy. The road turned to flashing lights; she squeezed my hand three times in the back of the taxi. The driver said something I barely remember.

I don’t know how or when we got home.

Suddenly we were making out in her bedroom, taking our clothes off. In a blink of an eye, she was riding me desperately, still half-naked, moaning out of pleasure and my shaky hands were touching her nipples.

I felt like the whole bedroom was moving.

I clawed my fingers on her hips, laid her down and lifted her legs; put her ankles on my shoulders and changed the pace, deeper and faster. She pulled my head down to kiss and bite my lips.

It felt like a dream. I don’t know when we finished or if we did it. Morning light came through the window, I opened my eyes and she wasn’t there. I picked up the clothes on the floor and made the bed — I didn’t find the condom.

She was on her laptop, wearing my shirt, a messy bun and big dark eye circles.

“Did you sleep?” I asked.

“Like three minutes,” she answered with husky voice.

She looked focused but I had to know.

“Hey, did you, by any chance, picked up the condom?”

“The what?” she looked at me, “I’m sloppy right now, sorry, what did you say?”

“The condom, I didn’t see it”

Silence. Her eyes widened, she covered her mouth.

“Me neither” she murmured but I heard.

I felt shock; she froze.

“We — We’ve been reckless before” I tried to be calm but I stuttered, “I probably pulled out before…”

“You don’t remember?!” she reproached me.

“Oh, you’re one to talk! What was in those purple shits?”

“You mean shots”

“I meant what I said”

She rubbed her face with both hands.

“My love, I really don’t have time for this, let me clear this other mess first and then we’ll handle the other mess”, she said while typing again.

“Did you take a bath or…?”

“Do I look fresh to you?!” she freaked out, typed faster and loud. I saw the coffee machine was clean so I assumed she hadn’t have her morning coffee yet.

I walked cautiously in the kitchen, made a full meal and placed the plates and coffee as near to her as I thought it was reasonable; then I took a shower.

When I saw her again she looked better, still a mess but calm.

“How’s it going?” I asked from a safe distance.

“I got this” her tone was back to normal. I waited in the living room.

When she finally closed her laptop, she looked at me and gasped for air, ran her hand through her hair. I felt genuinely scared, but I didn’t show it.

“I have to sleep,” she said and teleported, she was that tired; she rarely used her quirk. I saw her in her bedroom: she was lying on her stomach, her face buried on the pillow. I laid by her side and tried to touch her hair but she caught my hand.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“I’m mad at me” she mumbled on the pillow, she rolled to her side and looked at me, “I’ve been there before; drink, dance, the usual, and then I would come home by myself; I know it’s an illegal bar but I thought it was a safe place for woman”

“Some places change when they gain a little popularity”

“And that single shot took you down too? What the fuck did they put in it? I liked them because they’re sweet”

“Maybe they had something”

She came closer and cuddled.

“Thank God you were there”

I wanted to bring back the condom topic — it itched my brain — but knowing that she has been there on her own before and this happened suddenly didn’t sit well. Maybe the other male clients were all accompanying their girlfriends but the bartender wasn’t — and he was a man, after all.

“Never go back there, ‘kay?” I said.

“Yep”

“From now on, we can celebrate like normal people,” I suggested. “We could buy cake and balloons if you want to celebrate that much”

“Really?” her eyes sparkled.

“Sure, it’ll be fun”

I wasn’t sure at all, but I tried at least for that one week to stop running with the wolves. I tried to settle down, but everynight at 2 A. M. I found myself staring at the ceiling.

I wondered how she does this everyday. On day five, I was losing my grip, I don’t know how I managed to keep my shit together; on day six, I dyed my hair black.

Seventh day arrived; she looked at me and asked:

“Will you go out today?”

“I have to make some money”

“How?” she wanted to know, but I wouldn’t tell. I never told her before, I wouldn’t tell her now. “Will you come back?”

I wanted to say “yes” but I didn’t wanna lie. Realization crossed her gaze.

“Old habits die hard,” she mumbled disappointed and picked up the plates. “Way to go, tiger”

“I’m coming back,” I said but she didn’t look at me.

“This happens all the time,” she continued and it cut deep; she was upset as if I was already gone.

“That’s not fair,” I said.

“You don’t get to tell me what’s fair, Toya!” she reproached me: “Do you wanna know what’s unfair? The fact that… you – out of all people – discard me all the time”

That really pissed me off.

“Shut up”

“I knew it was too good to be true”

“You want me to stay here? I gotta work too, I have to make my own money! I’m not gonna live out of your income as if I was your bitch, this is already your place filled with your stuff…”

“You can bring stuff too”

“That is not what I mean, damn, you’re being so stupid!”

I wasn’t thinking when I said it, but I regretted immediately; her eyes widened and she came to me as if she was gonna kick my balls, I grabbed both her arms and hugged her.

“No, I didn’t mean it”

She bit my shoulder so hard I wept a little.

“Touya, if you don’t come back…”

“I’m obsessed with you,” I interrupted her “I’ll see you later”

We parted ways outside the building, she went to work and I –after sending some messages- went to make my own money too. On my way, I saw some kids on their way to school, it freaked me out because I forgot about the lost condom and she probably forgot too.

“Did you get your period?” sent.

She was writing… and writing… and writing…

“No, Touya, I’m not on those days of the month” Read.

By now, I wasn’t sure if she was using my real name because she was pissed or because I requested it a week ago. I felt sick and fucked up. I thought about us pushing a stroller and threw up on the street.

People avoided me in a circle; some hero clown came to me and asked:

“Are you okay, boy?”

“Get off my face!”

He tried to put his hand on me but I managed to get away; I put on a mask and mixed with the crowd.

When I arrived to the headquarters, the morons I worked with were being too cautious as I expected; I covered my face but my neck was uncovered.

“Who the fuck are you?” my boss asked.

“Dabi”

“Take that stupid mask off, are you sick?” he asked and I took the mask off, “What the fuck happened to you?”

“I cashed in a favor” I lied.

“That’s not your real face, don’t lie, you look like a pretty kid” he smirked and laughed.

“Where’s the idiot you need me to handle? I gotta go”

“Sure, after that little vacation you just had, see if I care”

After a good amount of bravado, I went with other two morons to handle a few poor souls that didn’t pay in time. I told the others that when I got my payment, I would quit, so they’d have to find their own way to handle their clients.

“What do you mean you quit? No one quits here” said moron one.

“Funny, I just did” I smirked.

“You think the boss doesn’t know where you go when you disappear? We all know” said moron two.

“So what?”

“So what?!” both of them were surprised. I hated them.

“He’ll send somebody after your little girlfriend. Think!” said moron one.

I thought about it a million times before.

“No one can touch her” I said.

If we move out.

“What do you mean?” asked moron two.

If I warn her.

“None of you would be able to catch her, plus the boss won’t send anybody after her, she’s not the reason I quit”

If I protect her. She’ll be alright.

“Sure, you just got that surgery on your face and now you quit. You probably think you can straighten your life, but…” moron one started a whole monologue I wasn’t even gonna pretend I was hearing.

Her dad’s a big fish too, I thought, she’s well covered even if I’m not with her.

“Dabi, is she pregnant?” moron two asked me and caught me off guard. He burst a laugh “Holy shit, she is pregnant”

“You’re soooo fucked up” moron one joined him.

“In that case, I think you may quit. Our boss is a family man after all”

He wasn’t a family man, he had a family with his first ex-wife but their kids were all grown and he was married to a fourth wife now. They mocked me all the way back to our boss’ office.

“Let me be there when you tell him you’re quitting, I wanna see you get fuck” they laughed then, but kept quiet when I told our boss this was the last time I’d do this for a living.

The big old man looked at me, made a face and gasped for air.

“Come with me, man,” he commanded with a serious tone in his voice, he usually calls me kid; I followed him in silence. “I think I know what’s going on here and let me tell you something you need to know”

He thinks my girlfriend’s pregnant too, I thought. He wasn’t gonna get my guard off too. He brought a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

“Marriage isn’t that great” he said and poured the whiskey. My mind went completely blank. “Woman these days! They are… insufferable! Especially if they have quirks, it makes them think they don’t need you but they want you to give them everything you have”

I had no words and he had a whole speech prepared apparently, so I just listened and drank the whiskey.

“I know I’m not your father but my eldest is almost your age,” he said in a sentimental tone, “sometimes I just see him in you”

“We’re good,” I mumbled and he poured some more whiskey.

“So tell me, when’s the date?”

I drank the whiskey as if it was water.

“I’m not getting married,” I answered.

He looked at me perplexed for a second.

“Get the fuck out of here”

I stood up and walked to the door.

“Hey Dabi, if you ever need quick-cash, just send me a message”

I just nodded.

It was dark outside; I wondered if she was still at her workplace.

“Want a coffee?” Sent.

“I’m good” Read.

She sent a picture, she was at her favorite coffee shop, near her building. I hurried to meet her there, but couldn’t find her so I called her.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“At the park”

I hurried again to find her. She was sitting alone with a bottle in her hand, she was drinking soju now — it was strawberry flavored — I took it when I sat next to her.

“You came,” she mumbled a little sad.

“I told you I would and you should be careful of whatever you eat or drink until you get your period, missy”

“Hey, my grandma sent me that”

“I don’t give a fuck”

She didn’t fight back, laid her head on my shoulder.

“Were you drinking?” she asked.

“A little”

“Darling” she whispered, “We need to leave the apartment”

I tried to look at her but she kept her head down.

“We’ll find a place”

“No, I mean right now, my mother got us evicted”

“Oh”

So that’s why she was drinking, I thought. I wondered where all of her stuff was.

Mini rant

As an artist and a teenage girl, having severe psoriasis reeeaaally sucks. Seriously, it messes with my confidence along with my body. It’s painful and ugly. I feel for anyone else out here who has it. Stay strong. I’ve managed to mostly get mine under control, and I hope other people who suffer with it are able to also.

This was so cute!! 🥰

Someone to Love.

Hello!!!

Here is my gift for 8k subscribers!!!

Alpha Jungkook x Omega OC Werewolf Au!

Genre ! : Fluff . Mild Angst. Mild Smut.

Work Count : 6k

Summary : Widowed Omega Aerin isn't really looking for love. But Jeon Jungkook the handsome alpha who gets washed over a waterfall, is willing to offer it to her anyway.

Complete!!!

The thing about living in a clan as small as ours, was that word always travelled fast.

We were a close knit pack, everyone knew everyone and more importantly, everyone was always in everyone’s business. Which is why, it was no surprise that, even before the Head Alpha could send word for me, I already knew about the young alpha who had , apparently, washed over the waterfall. The drop was a good twenty five feet and the bottom of the pool littered with sharp rocks. He was obviously injured.

As the healer, I would have to be there to examine him.

Nevertheless, I waited till Jinyoung came knocking on my door, sometime after the midday meal, his face urgent and voice a little shaky. I had just finished wrapping my daughter against my breast, tying the end of the flannel across my back and over my shoulder . I pulled on the ends, securing the wrap around my torso, and making sure her limbs were free to move about.

Sera giggled, chubby fists wet with drool as she shoved them into her mouth. She was teething and that meant excessive drooling and a penchant for biting everything I sight. But like this, she was usually well settled, the warmth of my body and my scent lulling her to a drwsy state. She would be asleep by the time we reached the injured wolf.

My son was still out playing with the other alpha pups in the woods. He wouldn’t be back till sundown. And even if he did, Joowon was almost nine winters old now. He could fend for himself in the hut till I got back.

I quickly grabbed my shawl, wrapping it over my shoulder, before moving to the door and opening it.

“Aerin? Alpha Kim sent for you, there’s an injured wolf you need to tend to.” He said urgently and I didn’t miss the four or five young omegas hovering behind him, giggling and coy. I shook my head. Apparently, even a half dead, injured alpha wasn’t safe from these younglings. I gave them a chiding smile but they merely laughed some more.

“Of course, Jinyoung . Let me just grab my bag.” I quickly picked the small carry-all tote I used for visits. It had almost all the tinctures, ointments and salves that I stocked in the apothecary attached to my hut, in smaller quantities. I also kept a polished set of needles and tools in case I had to extract stubborn splinters of jagged rock ends out of flesh. For being one of the strongest breed, it was ridiculous how often alphas got hurt doing the silliest things.

Like going over a waterfall.

As we began the short trek over to the Head alpha’s cabin, the throng of smitten omegas surrounded me, looking bright eyed.

“They say he’s very handsome, unnie. And young!” One of them laughed.

I hummed.

“Then one must hope the rocks in the pool didn’t leave too much of a mark .” I said casually.

“I wouldn’t mind a scar or two, as long as he has his…you know..” Another set of giggles.

I shook my head, laughing. The girls were incorrigible but that was their right. They were all young, barely twenty and unmated. They knew nothing about the marriage bed , nothing about the intimacy that came with it. The love the commitment. My heart ached.

Two years and still my heart ached something fierce .

“Just tell him he has to rest for a month at least, unnie. Tell him he can’t leave for a month and I’ll work my charm.” The Head Alpha’s daughter Jisoo gave me a sharp little smile and I shook my head.

“I’ll do no such thing. And I don’t appreciate you lusting after a man who may well be dying.” I said sternly and Jisoo had the good grace to blush.

“Unnie, its just that…. I’m bored of all these dumb alphas panting after me. They’re so…uncouth. I just want to meet someone new.” She pouted.

We reached the small hillock that would lead to the Head alpha’s house and I gave her a smile.

“Well, in that case, I’ll patch him up real good for you. But till then, you and your girls, why don’t you go occupy yourselves elsewhere.”

Jisoo wrinkled her nose but listened and I smiled at Jinyoung, hugging sera closer to my chest and making haste to the hut in front of us. Jinyoung led me to a side door and further into a room at the end of the narrow corridor.

“Aerin! Child… You’re here!” The Head alpha held his arms out and I embraced him quickly. The injured alpha was laid out in the middle of the room on a thick pallet of straw and blankets. They had stripped him of his wet clothes and he looked like he was sleeping. I stared at his face and felt my breath catch.

He was breathtakingly beautiful. I couldn’t look away. Right up , I could make out three flesh wounds, jagged and slightly deep : one across his brow, another across his shoulder and one right over his chest. Dark ink curled all over his torso and he looked young but also like a warrior.

“We just found out he’s from the Jeon clan. The head alpha’s son.” Yugyeom, knelt by his shoulders, pointing out the inked shoulder which marked him as the heir to the Jeon pack.

“We’ve already sent word. They’ll be here to fetch him in a day or so. We need only tend to him till then. Well. Give him all hospitality and treat him like a king. We need to remain in the Jeon’s good graces.” The Head alpha said sternly and all of them bowed.

I quickly, grabbed my bag, laying it out on the floor and crawling over to his side.

“Hot water and spirit , please.” I told the maid standing by but the Head alpha quickly held a hand up.

“Aerin ah? I have a meeting here with the Min and Jung clan leaders. The autumn festival is set to begin tonight. Its impossible for me to keep him here and all the other alphas are going to be busy too. I want him to get the best care possible and I can think of no one better than you, fort this task. Can we shift him to your hut?”

I swallowed nervously. I didn’t really entertain patients in my house. Especially not alphas. My son got jittery and my daughter was too used to my own scent.

“As a personal favor to your alpha?” He said insistently, eyes flashing red and I realized it wasn’t a request. Rather a command.

“I… Yes, alpha.” I said hesitantly. “ Can I just examine him now, make sure nothing’s broken, before we shift him?”

“Yes of course my dear.” The alpha bowed before stepping aside. I quickly glanced at everyone else.

“Please leave.” I said quickly and they flushed, bowing before moving out of the room.

“Should I stay , Aerin?” Jinyoung asked nervously and I shook my head. “ Just wait outside and close the door for me, Jin.”

Once the door shut, I quickly glanced down at Sera who had curled into my chest and fallen asleep. I brought a bit of the fabric by chest over her head, so she wouldn’t get too much of the alpha’s scent. Kneeling down, I went about peeling the blanket off him.

He was a beautiful man, I thought absently, long limbs and thick muscles all over and it was no doubt his strong, well kept body that had saved him.

Other than a few more surface wounds on his legs and a gash on his thigh, he seemed relatively unharmed. I did run my fingers over his joints and arms, carefully looking for any swelling or discoloration that would signify broken bones. I carefully gripped his shoulders, turning him over gently to examine his back. I made a mental note of all the cuts that looked like they would have to be sewn together, so I could prepare enough string for it. I leaned over to press my ears against his chest, noting the rise and fall of his lungs.

A hand brushed over the back of my head, gentle and soft.

I jumped, wrapping both hands around sera and scooting back in panic, eyes wide as I stared at the man on the floor, now blinking tiredly at me.

“I… I..” I couldn’t get my words out and he groaned .

“Am I dead? Are you an angel?” He whispered.

I blinked, blood rushing to my face as I tried to calm my breathing.

“Jinyoung!!!” I yelled sharply and the door opened, Jinyoung stepping in and staring wide eyed at the alpha on the pallet. He was struggling to sit up and I quickly pulled myself together.

“Alpha Jeon! Please… You must stay still. ” I said quickly, pushing my palms against his chest, helping him lay back down, trying to ignore how his eyes danced all over my face, nostrils flared .” I’m Aerin, the healer from the Kim pack. You remember what happened today?”

He groaned again, lifting a shaky hand to press against his head. I moved closer, gently reaching out to grab his wrist, pulling his fingers away from the still wet wound on his brow, and his eyes clashed against mine, wide and steady. He stared pointedly at where my fingers curled around his wrists and I let go quickly.

“Yes….. one of the pups almost went over the waterfall. I… I tried to get him out.” He said softly. He glanced at Jinyoung. The latter looked away, clearly nervous.

“Pup?” I asked, heart dropping and he gave me a small smile. I tried not to let my gaze linger on his lips as he chuckled lightly.

“Can you help me up, kid?” He asked softly and Jinyoung startled, glancing at me.

I shook my head. I turned to Jungkook, heart racing. He sighed, resting back against the bed.

“Don’t worry, angel. I managed to toss her back to her father just before I went over the edge. I’m certain that she’s perfectly alright.”

“well, that’s a relief.” I hesitated, feeling awkward. Sera stirred and Jungkook’s gaze went to her again.

“she’s yours?” He asked gently and I blinked, glancing at Jinyoung nervously. It seemed too personal but I couldn’t imagine not answering without seeming rude.

“Yes, sire.” I bowed politely, moving back a bit more as Jungkook inhaled and reached out again, this time gripping my wrist. He scented the air and I flinched , yanking my hand away and quickly standing up, uncomfortable. He was still staring at me, gaze steady.

“You… You can tell the others that he’s conscious. We can move-” I stopped when the alpha cut me off.

“You don’t smell mated. You haven’t been with a man in years.” He said quietly and now Jiyoung looked uncomfortable too.

“Alpha Jeon, I-”

“Jungkook. Call me Jungkook.”

My heart jumped at the thought of addressing him so intimately. I shook my head.

“I’m looking for a mate. Can I court you, angel?” He said suddenly and my jaw dropped.

“There’s… There’s a dozen unmated omegas outside.” I choked out. Was I dreaming ? This couldn’t be happening.

“That’s not what I asked. Whom must I speak with? To court you? Your Head alpha.” He turned to Jinyoung. “ Please send word to Alpha Kim that I require an audience with him. And that its very important that he come here as soon as possible.”

“Please don’t.” I said quietly, feeling my body tremble and he froze.

“What’s wrong?” He said quietly.

I shook my head.

“I have a son. I’m not… I have a son. He’s almost nine winters old. He still… He loves his father. The man who raised him… I can’t…. it would break him. Please, Alpha Jeon. You have power here and I have none. Your word is law and I’m bound to honor it but please, please consider. My son…”

Jungkook’s gaze softened incredibly at that.

“I have a ten year old brother.” He said gently. “ What you’re saying is that it isn’t the head alpha’s approval that I need. It is your son’s.”

I blinked, thrown.

“I…”

“Then you must promise me this. If your son…” He paused, “ What’s his name?”

“I… Joowon.”

“If Joowon tells you that he wouldn’t mind having me in his life….will you consider letting me court you.”

I could only stare. Jinyoung cleared his throat looking completely enthralled by the drama unfolding in front of him. I saw a glint of mischief in his gaze and felt my hackles rise.

“Alpha, there’s a festival in our clan. It lasts three weeks and is filled with festivities and joyous celebrations. I do believe the Kim pack would be honored to have you stay with us, enjoying our hospitality and the bountiful gifts of nature we here in the lowlands enjoy.”

I gaped at him in disbelief.

“I… “

“That’s settled then. I will send for my pack members as well. They would love to share this time with you.” He turned to me.

I exhaled, certain that he had hit his head on the way down the falls.

“You’re insane.” I said softly, shaking my head. “ You’re free to enjoy all that my clan has to offer…. But, I’m not on the menu, Alpha Jeon.”

I quickly stood up.

“Tell Alpha Kim that he can fend for himself in one of the huts we have for heats and ruts. I’ll send one of my apprentices to sew up his wounds and apply salve on him.”

“I’m afraid not, Aerin. You know what the chief said. It has to be you.” Jin grinned and I glared at him.

Jungkook was smiling too.

“Come now, angel. Just because you don’t like me ….yet… don’t shun your duties.”

Good Lord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Fucking hell, what the actual fuck…” Jungkook swore and I glared at him, grabbing a strip of white linen and balling it up before pressing it into his mouth, gagging him.

He stared at me, eyes wide in surprise and mouth open around the fabric.

“Stop swearing in front of my son.” I snapped. Joowon laughed, carefully threading the twine through the eye of the cleaned needle. He dipped the twine and the needle into the warm water and the spirit again.

“Come now mother, you know I can say worse things.” He stuck his tongue out and I glared at him.

“Not in this house, you can’t. Also keep it down… I’ve just put Sera to bed.” I carefully pinched the skin over his chest together before reaching out and slipping the needle into his skin. I worked carefully and diligently, focused on the task and when I was finally done, I glanced up, only for my gaze to clash with Jungkook’s.

“I.. were you staring the whole time?” I asked, blushing. Jungkook spat the gag out and grinned, boyish and naughty.

“Can’t help it. The view is truly breathtaking.”

I rolled my eyes.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said that there are omegas here who would love to be courted by you. You haven’t met any of them yet and that is why you seem to be … so… “ I shook my head.

“Joowon ah… Who’s the most beautiful woman in this clan?” Jungkook asked firmly and my son hummed from next to me.

“Mother, of course.”

I gaped at the pair of them.

“See? I trust Joowon’s judgement implicitly. “ Jungkook shrugged.

Joowon laughed again and I didn’t miss the looks he kept tossing at the alpha. Curious but also laced with a lot of admiration. I wasn’t surprised. Joowon had never been suspicious or hesitant in offering his friendship to people. And Jungkook had regaled him with tales about hunts and fishing trips and kayak rides in rapids….. and the younger was now clearly intrigued and almost halfway to smitten with the man.

My own heart raced , pulse pounding in a way it hadn’t in years. And yet, I knew it was futile. Men like Jungkook…. They didn’t really fall in love with women like me. All these flowery words, all this flirting….it was for one thing only. And once he got it, he would leave. Of course he would.

But that was the problem. For the first time in two years, I considered it. Considered letting him have it….have me. But with it , came a nagging wish that he wasn’t joking. That perhaps, I wasn’t as….undesirable as my late husband had made me feel.

I shook my head to clear the haze of dreams, impossible girlish dreams that came with his scent and his proximity. I didn’t want to go down that road. I wasn’t… I may be younger than Jungkook but I was still too old to be courted and to start a new life with someone. Least of all someone like Jungkook.

I glanced back up at him as I carefully applied salve on the stitches, fingers light on dusky smooth skin. He was still staring at me, and as I bent in closer, his hair brushed my forehead. My eyes fell on his nipple and my mouth went dry. I breathed out and looked up at him, shaking my head and pulling away.

“You’re all done alpha.” I whispered.

His hand crept up to my knee, squeezing gently.

“I’m just getting started.” He whispered and I bit my lips, looking away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Father… you shouldn’t have come .” Jungkook was groaning and I could only stare in horror , trying to process the fact that both Alpha Jeon and his wife were now standing in my hut, fussing over their son and ruffling his hair like he was five years old.

“Nonsense !” Alpha Jeon thundered, making me jump. “ You went over the waterfall and you expect me to not be worried. I brought our healer but I see the Kim clan has an exceptionally talented young healer themselves. My son looks as good as new , dear girl.” He grinned at me and I smiled shakily.

“I’m going to court her, father.” Jungkook said without any preamble and my heart dropped to my knees. Lady Jeon’s gaze snapped to me and I retreated further, clutching Sera to my chest in panic.

“No.. I.. no he’s not. I’m sorry, Alpha, I… I should go…” I dived for Joowon’s wrist, yanking my son along and moving to the door.

“Wait, child.” Lady Jeon’s voice made me still and I bit my lips, squeezing my eyes shut in horror. Surely whatever was coming…it couldn’t be good… t would be the same thing I’d heard over the years, the same threats, the same insults…

“Let me look at you.” Lady Jeon said and I trembled a bit, turning to her nervously, prepared for rejection and annoyance.

I found none.

All I could see was genuine interest that morphed into pleasure as she took in my features.

“What a beautiful girl you are.” She whispered , “ You can do so much better than my savage son, who apparently doesn’t know his way up or down a waterfall.”

Jungkook growled from the bed.

“Mother.”

Lady Jeon gave him a look.

“I’m serious. The Kim clan , I’m sure must have several fine young men, all of them willing to court her. What makes you think they would hand her over to you, Jungkook.” He said regally and I hesitated.

“I… I’ve been mated before. These are my kids.” I said hesitantly.

Lady Jeon blinked.

“Does that make a difference?”

I couldn’t respond, mind in shambles.

“Unless …what we’ve heard about the Kim clan isn’t true? And they are archaic and small minded when it comes to their women?” She said sharply, turning around to glare at my Head Alpha who looked horrified as he bowed.

“of course not , my lady..we… We all treat Aerin with the utmost respect.. She is as our daughter.”

“That is not what I asked. Has she not been courted?” Alpha Jeon asked gruffly and Jungkook made a noise of impatience.

“I’m saying I’ll court her, why is everyone-“

“Quiet Jungkook. “ Lady Jeon said sharply before turning to me.

“Have you not been courted after your husband’s death. Its unheard of for a young wolf to remain without a mate. Did none of the men in your clan step up?”

I hesitated before deciding on the truth.

“Joowon-ah? Could you go play outside for a while?” I said softly and he hesitated before glancing at Jungkook and running off. Once I was sure he was out of earshot I turned to Lady Jeon.

“They only offered to take me on as a mistress.” I said honestly, staring at my feet. “ And … I have a son. Old enough to understand these things. He… He heard his friends talk about how I was … He asked me if what they said was true…. If I was just anyone’s to use or take, now that his father was dead. I…. I had to reassure him that it wasn’t the case…. That I wouldn’t… That I didn’t need to warm anyone’s bed to survive.”

“She’s coming with us tomorrow.” Jungkook growled from the bed and I glared at him.

“Please let me finish.” I snapped. “ And yes, there are men here who feel that way but Alpha Kim is right. They have for the most part, treated me with great respect and I … I enjoy my life here. I’m not lacking for anything..” Except someone to love, someone to hold through cold winter nights, someone to share bright spring sunshine with…someone to kiss in the rain… someone who would go to war for me…

“So? You don’t accept my son’s offer of courting? Is that what you’re saying?” Lady Jeon asked gently.

“Don’t answer that.” Jungkook’s voice came from my right and I stared at him.

“Alpha Jeon…”

“Could all of you give me a moment alone with her?” Jungkook said quietly and Alpha Kim bowed.

“Please let me show you to your resting quarters.” He said gently and Jungkook’s parents shot him one last look before leaving the cabin. I stayed still as everyone filed out, one after the other.

Once it was just him and I, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“Just three weeks.” He said softly, “ Give me three weeks. Three weeks and if at the end of it you tell me that you don’t want to leave your clan…I’ll accept it without argument. You’ll never see me again.”

I sighed in exhaustion.

“You’re going to be here for the three weeks of the festival anyway. My answer isn’t going to change. I’m not going to fall in love with you, alpha Jeon. ” I said quietly.

He grinned.

“I’m going to remind you of what you just said….six months from now…when you’re my wife.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook was out and about three days later and to my utter horror, jealousy reared its head when I saw the extent to which he was popular with the other omegas. I stayed in the sidelines, holding sera and keeping an eye on Joowon, watching Jungkook get accosted at every turn.

But Jungkook it seemed, had no interest in wooing me.

He was wooing my son.

“These are delicious, Jungkook.” Joowon said excitedly, hands full of candied fruits and honey dipped grapes.

“Stop calling him that…” I hissed , but Joowon merely stuck his tongue out at me, stuck firmly to Jungkook’s side. Jungkook sat on the hard ground of the hut, surrounded by wooden strip and workmen tools, building a miniature windmill for Joowon who had never seen one before. The wind didn’t hit the lowlands much but Jungkook’s clan lived up hill and the windmills helped bring water to the canals.

He gave me a grin, his eyes trained on my lips as I sung gently to Sera, rocking her back and forth on my arms.

“You must give some of that honeyed fruit to your mother too, won-ah… perhaps she will have something sweet to say to me.” He grinned.

I rolled my eyes.

“I believe you’ve heard enough honey dipped words from the many omegas who can’t get enough of you.” I said impishly.

Jungkook laughed.

“ All I need is one word from you my lady….” He whispered and I flushed.

“ One word? No matter the question…? What word is that. ” I shook my head.

“Yes.” Jungkook smiled. “ Because it is that way with me. No matter the question , if you were the one asking, my answer would be yes.”

I stared at him, thrown by the magnitude of sincerity in his tone.

“Mother, ask him if he hates you…” Joowon giggled snapping me out of my thoughts.

I laughed and Jungkook glared.

“You’re supposed to be helping me brat.” He said with faux anger, eyes still excessively fond as he pulled my son into a playful headlock.

I watched them wrestle around Joowon smiling in a way that I had never seen him do in a long long time and my heart ached. Was it wrong… I wondered, to be this greedy? To want a lifetime of this….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ They say you never mourned him.” Jungkook sat on the rocking chair, shirt unbuttoned and Sera lying on his chest, the warmth of his body and the staccato of his heart lulling her to sleep . I sat on the floor, leaning back against the wall, Joowon was already asleep nect to me, head resting on my lap.

I watched him, watched the large, rugged hand, so gentle on my daughter’s back, stroking her gently, as he hummed sweetly.

“there was nothing to mourn.” I whispered bitterly, threading my fingers through my son’s hair, the silky strands falling through like water.

“He wasn’t a good man then.”

I shook my head.

“He married me when I was sixteen. And when I was old enough to see him for what he was, he didn’t want me anymore. And he died because he tried to rape the Head Alpha’s daughter.” I felt that familiar sickening feeling of disgust.

Jungkook didn’t say anything merely staring off into the fire blazing in the hearth.

“Is that why you think…you’re too old?” He asked gently and I flushed.

“It didn’t help with my self esteem.” I admitted.

“And is that why you..hesitate? To tell me how you truly feel.”

“It’s complicated. I … It s not easy baring my heart to you…” I looked away.

“You’re beautiful. I want you. Everyday I feel like I’m falling deeper.” Jungkook said quietly.

I stared at him, stunned.

He turned around and smiled at me.

“It’s not complicated for me. Its hard to watch you keep me at arm’s length. It’s hard to go to sleep on the floor, knowing your warm body is at touching distance. Its hard watching these omegas mistreat you because they’re jealous of the attention you get from me. And its hard….telling myself I can’t just pull you into my arms and kiss you in front of them all so they know . ” He smiled, “But telling you how I feel? It’s not hard at all.”

I felt my mouth go dry and stared at my knees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Marry me.” Jaebum had cornered me by the apothecary and I stared at him in shock.

“What?” I snapped, “ What nonsense is this? Move out of my way.”

“Alpha Kim wants Jisoo to marry Jungkook. He has asked one of us to get you out of the picture. And no one else wants another man’s sloppy seconds. I’m the only one who agreed so you should be honored. Just say yes and come with me.”

He made to grab me and I stumbled back in terror only to crahs into a broiad back, right behind me. A familiar scent and strong arms coming around to hug me.

“Perhaps, Alpha Kim should reconsider his plans. Because I’m sure he doesn’t want the entire Jeon clan to come to war with him.”

Jaebum stepped back.

“you would start a war over some omega?” He scoffed.

Jungkook grinned shaking his head.

“No. But I would start a war over my woman.”

Jaebum scoffed again before spitting at his feet and walking away. Jungkook glared at him till he disappeared from view. My limbs started trembling the moment I realized what had just happened. After years of working for these people…healing them and mending their wounds….Was this how they saw me?

I went limp in his arms and he hugged me close.

“Angel….are you alright?” Jungkook whispered and I swallowed, turning around and staring at him.

“I… They… Why would he do that?” I whispered and Jungkook reached out cupping my face gently.

“I don’t know. But he’s an idiot. As if I would let another man lay a finger on you…” He said softly and I laughed, shaking my head.

I looked back up at him, letting my gaze fall to his lips. As if on cue the heavens opened and it began to rain… Jungkook swore, moving to find shelter but I grabbed his arm, pulling him closer.

“Alpha Jeon…” I said quietly, water dripping down my face as the rain intensified . “ Will you kiss me?”

Jungkook’s eyes went comically wide. He was already dripping wet, hair falling in soaked strands into his eyes.

“Wh-What?”

“I’ve waited for many years for this kiss. A kiss in the rain. With a man who would go to war for me.”

Jungkook laughed at that and I stared as he leaned down, gently pressing his lips to my forehead. Tears sprung at the tender gesture and I gripped the fabric of his tunic hard. Laughing I buried my face into his chest, as he pressed a multitude of kisses on top of my head.

“Angel. When I kiss you for the first time…it’s not going to stop with a kiss.” He winked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leaving my clan was easier, when I reminded myself of what they had done. But I did my duty, offering my greetings and farewell to all the elders, before moving to link my fingers with Jungkook , who held Sera in his arms.

“ I owe you my gratitude. Because you’ve kept her safe all these years. But from now she holds no ties to your clan.” Jungkook said firmly, and I stepped closer to him.

I watched as Jungkook’s father shared a ceremonial glass of wine with the head alpha.

And just like that, I was no longer a Kim.

I was a Jeon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mother…” I whispered , mortified , watching Lady Jeon, wrap my daughter in her baby clothes, Packing her clothes and Joowon’s clothes as well. “ Please it isn’t necessary.”

“Nonsense. Jungkook and you need to spend time together. Alone. And I need to spend time with my grandchildren. I’ve already missed out on nine years of Joowon’s life , I refuse to miss out on another second. Besides, he has never seen a windmill he says? My husband has made arrangements for us to pitch our tents right next to one.”

I could only smile and watch as my excitable son practically bounced off the wall, eager to go on a trip with halmeoni and harabeoji.

Jungkook stood next to me, wrapping both arms around me.

“Say the word and We’ll leave in a hour right behind them.” He said gently and I smiled, shaking my head.

“No… your parents want this. I can tell. Let them enjoy some time with their grandkids.”

“Excellent.” Jungkook gripped my shoulders and turned me around.

“I’m in the mood for some honeyed words.” I said quietly.

“Jeon Aerin. My angel. Mine and Mine forever.” He said softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six months later :

Jungkook pressed kisses down my back and I grinned into the sheets, watching the springtime sun spill into our room, soaking the sheets in warmth . I stretched as he gently turned me over, feather light kisses on my belly, now slightly curved . He pressed his ears to the taut skin, listening.

“What is that, pup? Oh…yes.. yes yes… You’re right . Absolutely right.” He pulled away and climbed top of me, gently parting my thighs before slotiing himself in between. I sighed as he pressed against me, gently pushing in till he was buried to the hilt inside me.

“God, that feels good…” I whispered and Jungkook hummed, pressing a kiss to my ear before biting the lobe between his teeth.

“Know what our pup just told me , wife? “ He whispered and I looked at him, curious.

“What?”

“Well, he told me that I should remind you that you were so sure you would never fall in love with me.”

I shrugged.

“I’m sure you were once, pretty sure that you would never get washed over the waterfall.”

Jungkook laughed.

“Touché. So we both admit we’re wrong ?”

“The perfect marriage.”

Jungkook kissed me nose before beginning to move gently inside me again and I closed my eyes in bliss.

Someone to hold during cold winter nights.

Someone to kiss in the rain.

Someone to love in the springtime sun…

Someone like Jeon Jungkook, the perfect alpha.

AUTHOR'S NOTE : I LOVE ALL OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR 8K.

How I feel about my bachelors degree sometimes... but only cuz I know WAAAAY more about bees than this guy does....

me, sitting on my honors thesis drafts like a throne and wearing my degree as a crown-hat: yes, I graduated college, I know 7 things and only 5 of them are about bees 

हम दामन छोड़ते भी कैसे तुम्हारा? डर था, नही यकीन था हमें, के तुम वापिस बुलाने नहीं आते ।

Just...just having a bad day, sorry.

People are allowed to hate themselves, right? I mean, that isn’t something they should hate themself for, right? Because I hate myself already, and if society agreed with me that I should hate myself for hating myself…

I mean, I don’t hate all of myself. There are some tiny parts of me that I even like, on really good days. I also know that I’m not allowed to die, so it’s not like I’ll ever act on my self hatred. It just… it never goes away. I just don’t think about it on the better days, but even then, I still do. I hate very large portions of myself, my personality, how I act, how I fail to act, what I don’t do, how much energy it takes to live, to keep trying, how my life is so easy and other’s make allowances for me and I’m still so weak and worthless   - and if I post this, I’ll hate myself for giving in and crying out for even more attention. (But what if someone sympathizes, says I’m okay? Yeah, well what if someone says I’m right? Which of these possible reactions, should I receive any at all, would I find easier to accept and believe? Ha.)

I don’t hate other people, but that’s because I don’t know them. I can’t judge, because I don’t know who they really are or why they’re acting that way. Hate is such a strong emotion, too - it’s just so draining, and I just feel so hollow and empty... why do we have to drag ourselves through life? Why do the momentary joys never outweigh the sheer amount of effort it takes to experience them?

I don’t even know why I’m still typing this or planning on posting this. I just feel... I don’t even know. Hours have passed since when I started this post, and now I just feel sad and empty. I distracted myself from my hatred - that’s always how I live my life, burying myself in the distraction of fictional characters, even though my own life is rather blessed. I just... I just want to cry, cry out. I feel alone, but I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I hate myself for being so incredibly weak, for being so ridiculous and utterly worthless. I’m lonely and I don’t want anybody and I’ll fight against any comfort because I don’t deserve it, curse it! I shouldn’t need any more help, I don’t need any more help, I’m just being weak today and tomorrow I’ll be fine and bury this inside and I’ll still hate myself but I won’t think about it, and I’ll do my job mediocrely and my coworkers thank me and I’ll want to scream at them that “I didn’t do a good enough job, I could have done better, I should have done better, and I just didn’t, and you’re all so kind for pretending I’m okay when I’m just an incredibly lazy person who pretends I’m okay, tries to help and only screws things up but you pretend it’s okay and I hate it, hate myself, this job is so easy and you keep trying to make it easier on me it’s the only thing I can do, why are you trying to take this away from me?!” ...Of course, I won’t say any of that, because that would be unspeakably rude and unkind. Yet I still think it, and I hate myself for that, and so much more - that barely even makes the top 10 list of why I hate myself, haha...

...ha. Life’s a joke, isn’t it? You keep going and going, going and going, going and going, going and going, going - and then everything stops. The End.

Why am I still typing? Is anyone reading? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have wasted your time. I hope you have a good day, despite reading this. Or good night. If you want, you can just laugh this off, laugh at it. It’s a little funny.

...

If you’ve read all this and are worrying (haha. As if anyone really would. I just had to say this out loud), don’t be. I don’t harm myself, I don’t have a death wish, I started taking meds almost 2 weeks ago and I’ve normally been better - I’m just having a low few days because I expended way to much energy being really happy all day 2 days ago. I’m even in a mildly better - read, empty and apathetic - mood than I was in when I started writing this. Just...

Imagine Your OTP

Person A: "People don’t really consider me much of anything, let alone of any interest.”

Person B: "Hmm, why not?"

Person A: "Well, you know people usually like someone who's funny-"

Person B: "I think you're funny."

Person A: “Or really clever.”

Person B: “But you’re clever.”

Person A: "Someone who's pretty-"

Person B: "You're pretty."

Person A: "Or... What?"

Person B: "I said I think you're funny, a clever wit and beautiful!”

Person A: (Is taken aback) “O-oh?”

 Person B: (Holds person A’s face with their hands) “You are a remarkable person, my dear! And anyone who says otherwise is an ignorant twit!”

Person A nods then Person B smiles, to then replying “Good!” and kiss their forehead.

Imagine Your OTP

Person A: “Why are you buying for my heart. I’m Worthless!”

Person B: (Gently lifts their chin to look up at them) “Or perhaps just Priceless~”

Writing Prompt (Fantasy love)

The human puts their hair up not noticing the stunned look, their elven love was giving them. They followed their line of sight and come to the conclusion that they were staring at their ears. ‘They probably think they look weird, seeing how nice theirs are.’ the human thought to themself. Then proceeded to cover their ears with their hair as they undone it; only to be stopped by their elven love, looking at them in awe. “They’re adorable why would you ever hid them!” Then puts a soft kiss on them and continued. “I love everything about you, my dear and that includes your cute, small ears! They’re just as you are!” the human smiled up at them and said “Come now I’m not that small.” they leaned down to kiss them, then nose nuzzled them and said with a chuckle “Of course, Love!” 

Imagine Your OTP

Person A: “Who do you think you are going around, making me feel so special?”

Person B: “Because you are~ besides you know how I love seeing that beautiful rosy tint blossom onto your cheeks~”

Person A: (A bumbling blushing mess.)

Imagine Your OTP

Person A: “I’m sorry!”

Person B: “For what?”

Person A: “I-I don’t know… I usually feel like I should say it because I feel like I’m troubling people if not an annoyance to them…o-or a bother to them … or that every problem I must apologize for it.”

Person B: (Understanding that most likely Person A came into this habit due to low-self esteem or unkind people in their life and gives them a kind smile) “Well, you needn’t ever feel like that with me.” (Takes their hands in theirs) “You are never an annoyance or troubling me and I very much enjoy your company and charming conversations, my dear~” (Kisses their hands) “Alright~”

Person A: (Surprised but that expression melts away to loving smile) “Alright, Person B~” 

Imagine Your OTP

Person A: “Please, are you sure you want to be with me, I don’t want you to feel like you’re making a mistake?”

Person B: “Oh Person A, loving you could never be a mistake~”

Imagine Your Otp

Person A: (Makes a mistake with something) “Oh, worthless, stupid me!”

Person B: “Not to me, my dear. Quite the contrary actually, you are radiant, brilliant you~”

Imagine Your OTP

Person A is in front of theirs and Person B’s shared bathroom mirror looking at their physical insecurity/insecurities…

Person A: “Ugh, I don’t know how you could possibly ever stand to look at me.”

Person B: (leans to them, gives them a kiss on the cheek) “With every bit of love and admiration, my dear~”

Imagine Your OTP

Person C: (asking Person D while propping their head on their hands) “Would you still love me if I was a worm?”

Person D: “Of course I would!”

Person B looks over to Person A who is silent. 

Person B: “Well?”

Person A: “Well, what?”

Person B: “Aren’t you going to ask me if I would still love you if you were a worm?”

Person A: (lifts their head up to look at them with an blank stare and looks back down) “I already know it’s hard to love me as is, why would I ask if you would love me as a worm?”

Person B: (Hits their hands on the table, stands up and exclaims) “Because I would still love you as a worm or anything else!”

Causing Person A to stare wide eyed with shock “Really?” They ask and when Person B nods their face slowly softens to a warm expression.

Person A: “Thank you! I love you the very same.” (looks away as they confess with a hopeful look.)

Person B’s eyes sparkle and smiles brightly at them. They sit back into their seat and look at them with an enamoured look. “Good!”

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PSA: I am NOT beautiful, I am a monster, a gross one

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Sometimes I get a bit depressed thinking about how thick my thighs are, and then I remember that these two queens:

are fucking badass and people find them okay-looking even though they also have thick thighs, and I don’t feel so bad afterwards.

Remember, if you’re ever feeling self conscious, just know that there’s some badass chick or dude out there that has the exact same feature(s) that people find aesthetically pleasing.