Bpd Sucks - Tumblr Posts
"Ӏ ƭҽąɾ ɱყ ɦҽąɾƭ օƥҽղ,
Ӏ ʂҽⱳ ɱყʂҽƖƒ ʂɦʋƭ.
Ɱყ ⱳҽąƙղҽʂʂ ํʂ
Ƭɦąƭ Ӏ ƈąɾҽ ƭօօ ɱʋƈɦ"
"Տƈąɾʂ" ɓყ Ƥąƥą Rօąƈɦ
Yesterday I finished up at my job that had been severely impacting my mental and physical health. It was a really difficult decision because I loved the people I worked with, but I was falling apart from my daily duties of the job. I don’t have another job yet. That’s kind of scary for me and something I’ve never done before. But ultimately I had to prioritise my health. I live with Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, which adds an extra thousand layers of fun onto all aspects of my life. Anyway, I was feeling very close to yeeting myself, so I chose to leave my job, and now I’m starting a new chapter and focusing on rest for now 🛌 I just woke up from a 12 hour sleep so I think some kind of stress release happened yesterday.
(trigger warning: self harm)
So, I had to go to the hospital yesterday as I self harmed and needed stitches 🙃 I never intended to hurt myself to that extent, but obviously I shouldn’t have chosen to self harm at all in the first place 😓 These past few months my mental health has really taken a massive blow due to the Brisbane floods in February, 99% because I haven’t been able to live in my wonderful studio apartment due to there being no electricity or hot water. I’m so grateful for the support that I received at the PA hospital yesterday, every staff member that I interacted with was so fantastic. I was overwhelmed by their kindness and it meant the world to me when I’ve been in so much darkness for so long. I don’t want to die. I wish I wasn’t alive a lot, but what I really wish for is the emotional pain to go away. Otherwise, life is actually very much definitely 100% worth living. I just want the pain to go away. I know it’s only temporary and I will get back on track, especially once I’m living independently again. It’s kind of dark and fucked to say this, but in a way I believe it was a blessing that I ended up needing to call an ambulance yesterday. Interacting with people who I could feel genuinely cared about me and saw so much good in me that I struggle to see in myself, made me want to stay alive and keep trying. They made me feel like I’m worth it. So thank you to the paramedic who saw me without any judgement and showed so much empathy and care to my situation, who made me smile and laugh when I felt so ashamed and alone. Thank you to the junior doctor who took care of my stitches, made me laugh, shared our mutual love for anime and kdrama and only looked at me with eyes of respect and kindness. Thank you to the mental health team who made me feel so so so important and valued. I will never forget any of you, because I needed that support so badly and you will never understand how much it meant to me. I will try my best to take care and be kind to myself, firstly for myself, but also for all of you.