Burn My Soul - Tumblr Posts

they are the reason i hate eye contacts☺️

burn my soul | 02

-> Pairing. Jimin x reader

-> Genre. idol!jimin, aspiring singer!reader, strangers to lovers au, hurt/comfort, implied mention of mental health disorders (yes, Jimin is sad but he gets happier I promise), sadness sadness sadness, Jimin is really burned out :((, mentions obsessive thoughts, kinda depressed characters, breaking down (a lot of that), once again namjoon always finds the right words when someone feels down

-> Summary. after hurting his shoulder during their last concert, Jimin takes time to recover but things go downhill for him when he can't seem to find any reason to smile...

-> Word count. 3.5k

-> wooh finally!! I'm super happy to be done with this chapter, it took me so much time to get myself to finish to write it because I really struggled with the last part. It was really hard to write about "depression" without romanticising the whole thing, but I tried to make everything as accurate as possible based off a lot of reading and my own experience with burnout and other things as such to make it seem more real,,, let's just say that this won't be the happiest chapter you'll read in this series

-> the playlist

-> previous // next

[The morning after the concert]

Waking up is never easy. It rips you out of your dream world and throws you back into reality.

As Jimin opens his eyes, all of his pain comes back and hits him like a truck. In all honesty, he feels and looks miserable. His throat is burning, his shoulder throbbing… it seems like he just came back from the dead, looking completely washed-out.

The others can't help but notice how bad and ill their friend looks. Jungkook immediately calls a doctor.

His diagnosis was clear, Jimin needed at least three weeks of rest in order to allow his shoulder to heal. Thankfully, after the tour they just did, the group got a little break to recharge and rest

However, he wanted anything but rest right now. His thoughts were getting the best of him and not doing anything would certainly not help the situation.

And so, whenever he was awake, he kept busying his mind with work and other activities. If a nurse wasn’t taking care of his shoulder, Jimin would bury his nose in a book, write new lyrics, compose a backing track or even try to practice a new choreography to the best of his abilities. By doing so many things related to his work, Jimin started to hope that he will never have to be unhappy about it again; that he would love his life once again.

Maybe he was pushing it a little bit…

Anything to keep his train of thought quiet.

The funny thing with life is that it never goes as planned.

Nothing you can imagine or want will arrive the way you hoped it would.

Just like you cannot prepare yourself to fall, nobody imagined that Jimin's condition would start getting worse.

We are not talking about his shoulder here. This would be too easy. To be honest, it healed pretty well throughout their small vacation. He still needed some rest because his moves were stiff but the pain was almost completely gone.

But maybe… maybe the shoulder was the trigger.

Jimin’s mental health was declining. Whatever was going inside his head has obviously been eating him up and anything he tried to make the situation better didn’t help. Especially considering the fact that the group started promoting their new single as soon as the break ended.

Great. Amazing.

After all, that’s what his life is about and, just like everyone says, it’s just a bad phase and it will go away. As a singer and performer, he has to show only the good in his life.

Smiles and glitters, sparkles, and laughter.

However, if his smile and perfect behaviour could fool the cameras, it certainly can’t mistake his best friends.

While Jimin was trying his best to conceal his pain and act fine in front of everyone, they all could notice something was wrong. Their ball of laughter and warmth was deteriorating, losing its colours day by day and there was nothing they could do to help.

The only times Jimin seemed happy were in front of cameras during promotions. It was all fake though, they all knew it.

“So, tell us, what is this latest song you released about ?”

The interviewers ask the same questions every time. It’s getting repetitive but that's part of the job… Jimin wonders how Namjoon never gets tired of telling the same answers over and over again.

“Well, we decided to call this new song ‘Dream’. I would say it is dedicated to both the fans and our group members. It’s kind of a story made into a song. On one side, it thanks everyone who helped us reach our dreams and go higher than we ever expected and, on the other… well.. we are wondering what our dreams are now. What we want to do and aspire to become… we grew a lot in the past few years and now we are starting to ask ourselves what is next. What we wanna become and the things we’d like to do. Also, it is meant to encourage everyone who has a dream to pursue it. The situation might seem hopeless right now but, look at where we are now? We used to think we were a lost cause but kept working and now we accomplished much more we could’ve ever dreamed of.

I hope our fans can understand the meaning of this song and use it as a motivation to follow their dreams as well.”

“That sounds really amazing and inspiring !! I would ask you more questions but I think everyone wants to hear you sing now. I’ll see you all after your performance!”

The interviewer smiles.

“For sure!” Namjoon bows lightly and the lights go off. Jimin’s smile falters

The performance was recorded beforehand so everyone just waited for it to air on the public’s tv before moving on with the interview.

You could hear most people quietly chatting while the music played in the background.

Dream was a calm and comforting song. Jimin really liked it. It made him feel somewhat peaceful for the time of one song. He hopes everyone could feel the same while listening to it. A bit of healing in this harsh world.

While the other members talk amongst themselves or watch the performance onscreen (or do both), Taehyung bends down to reach Jimin’s ear. “Hey, you okay?” He murmurs. Jimin only nods to answer and offers him a sweet smile. He tries to question further but the makeup artists arrive and start doing some touch-ups on everyone’s face before the show starts again.

Eventually, the song comes to an end and the lights go back. Everyone in the studio quietens and the cameras start rolling once again.

“What a lovely performance you gave us !” The interviewer says. They all smile and thank her.

Yoongi grabs a microphone and speaks up “ I- um, I would also like to say that Jimin helped in producing this song. We worked on it while we were on tour and he gave us a lot of good ideas that we added to the song”

Jimin turns to Yoongi, trying to not look too surprised. Everyone is looking at him. Marvelous. He reluctantly grabs his microphone a bit tighter, preparing himself to answer any questions that are coming. His smile becomes wider and he straightens himself on the chair.

“ Oh really? I trust it’s not the first time he is helping you write a song, right?”

- Yes, I’ve already helped a few times with some lyrics in the past. Nothing much honestly… Rm, Suga and J-hope do the biggest work here… I’m very thankful they let me be part of this song.”

- We hope to see you composing songs again soon. Maybe even release your own songs…”

The interviewer smiles. Of course she would say this. Everyone is wondering when is Jimin going to release a mixtape. A few days ago, Jungkook went live and briefly talked about how Jimin had been working hard on writing songs and composing. Almost instantly, his name was trending on every platform and people started to wonder if he would release an album anytime soon. It’s a hot topic nowadays. However, Jimin doesn’t really want to be the talk of the show. He needs more rest. He just wants peace. His mouth goes dry and another member saves him from the embarrassing silence that’s about to come.

“Jimin actively started songwriting during our break and he’s very talented.” J-hope says “I hope we will get to hear more of his work”

“Yes, he often comes to see me when he needs help to fix some lyrics. He’s really talented” Namjoon adds. That last comment makes Jimin smile.

The host seems pleased with what she just heard and moves forward with the interview.

“Jimin, I think you should start considering dropping an album or a song anytime soon. In the next two months it’d be great” Sejin, one of the group's managers, says.

A few days after the interview, he called Jimin, Namjoon and some of the production team members for a meeting.

Jimin sighs. He knows that the manager isn’t actually asking for his opinion and is just telling him what he has to do. The room goes silent.

“I know you haven’t been doing well these days but I think it would be good for you and the group if you released something. Remember when you uploaded Promise everyone talked about it”

Good for me or good for my public image?

“ You should give it a try Jimin. Last time I told you songwriting could help you come at peace with some unspoken feeling… maybe it’ll work again this time” Namjoon reassured him

Talking about releasing new songs and promoting when his mind is wandering around dark places isn't ideal. He doesn’t want to release a bad song because his feelings are drowned in sadness. What if he does something wrong and gets hated for that? Maybe he should stop singing. Maybe he’s not that talented after all. He shakes his head and drinks some of the water he brought with him. His mouth ran dry.

“I don’t know… I’m not feeling it. I could send you what I’ve worked on so far and you tell me what you think. Would that be okay ?” Jimin proposes something that would satisfy everything and allow him to get over with this meeting as soon as possible.

Sejin nodded. “I’ll be looking forward to that. Be sure to stay in touch with the producing and composing teams. I’m sure you will do something amazing. Jimin. You can go now. Thank you all for coming today.”

Everyone bows and makes their way to the door except for Namjoon and Sejin who are still at the table.

“ Would you mind going without me ? I need to talk to about manager before leaving.” Namjoon asks Jimin and the latter nods before leaving the room.

The night is particularly cold for the early fall. The cold air brushing against Jimin’s cheeks as he wanders is somehow soothing. His warm tears slowly turn clod as they roll down his cheeks.

Jimin hugs his jacket a bit more tightly around him. He didn’t think it would be this cold outside when he decided to go for a walk earlier tonight but he didn’t want his friends to see him cry like that either. They looked worried enough about him already, no need for them to witness this.

With the back of his hand, Jimin wipes the wetness off of his face then buries both hands in his pockets and sighs.

It’s not the first time Jimin comes here. Whenever he needs to be alone, really alone, this is where he is.

Truth to be told, the garden of The Hill looks really gorgeous. Even more during the night, when the only thing you can hear is the sound of the water fountain.

It’s a great place to escape his hectic life. To run away from his responsibilities. Run away…

Jimin just walks around the place, thinking. He has been thinking so much lately, too much. He looks at the flower while doing so, details their perfect petals and immaculate colors. They all fall in place together, make sense.

Unlike him.

As he looks at the flower, he notices a bed of lily flowers, his favourites. There are white and pink ones mixed but there’s one of them that particularly stars out to him. Amongst all those perfect-looking flowers, you could one withering, slowly turning grey (or maybe brown, it’s a bit too dark right now to tell its exact color).

The sight makes him stop in his step. Slowly he approaches the flowers and crouches to take a good look at it.

How is it possible that this flower is withering when everything around is so full of life?

The poor flower looks out of place

Lately, Jimin feels out of place too

It’s like things were happening without him being able to do anything. He just looks at the world going. It’s sad. He doesn’t feel like himself. He’s been feeling… different.

He looks again at the flower and approaches his hand but stops himself last minute before touching it, scared to break the plant. He stands up and massages his shoulder. Another tear falls from his eye.

Is this the life he really wanted to live? Everyone knowing you, wanting you, looking at you, stalking you… constantly having to watch over your shoulder to see if no crazy fan was following you. Is that really the type of life he dreamed of when he was 15?

Probably not. But he’s here now. He’s gotta do it.

Or maybe not.

Maybe the group can go on without him.

Maybe, maybe… they would be fine without me, they can go on. I’m not making that much of a difference these days. I just-

Jimin sighs. Is he even making sense right now ?

He starts to ask himself why he started crying in the first place.

Jimin remembers being at Hybe’s studio until late trying to record a sample for the song he wrote over the week. Nothing worked his way and one of the company’s workers who noticed how upset he looked told him to call it a day and go home. Tears started to fall during the car ride. “Been in the field for years and I’m not even able to record something properly” he thought at that moment. He’s grateful the driver gave him his space, only handing him a small pack of tissues when they arrived.

Not wanting the others to see him in that state, he decided to go for a walk around the complex.

The Hill was well enough guarded for Jimin not to worry about a crazy fan jumping on him. He really didn’t need that right now. Running away from fans is definitely not what he dreamed of/for when he was younger.

There’s a bench a few steps away from him and Jimin walks to sit on it, resting his shoulders on his thighs. What he knew would happen then happened ; tears spill from his eyes and run in rivulets down his face, Jimin's breath getting heavier as he tried to control his emotions.

Why, why was he so sad all of a sudden?

When did he start to feel so much pain ?

When did it all go wrong?

Why was he so… flawed? imperfect? so sad?

Obsessive thoughts start to fill his head, painting his mind just like the tears are covering his cheeks.

Maybe… maybe I should just. Drop out. Stop. If I had a calmer life, it’d probably be so much better Jimin thinks but, as soon as he pictures himself as something else than a singer, his sadness only grows bigger.

What would I be? I spent my whole life performing, it’s the only thing I could do. And I’m terrible at it already. Why am I failing so bad at life….? I don't understand. There’s just, no point, in continuing this. I don't know why I keep trying honestly…

Jimin shakes his head before lifting it to take a look at the whole garden around him. No one is here. You don’t hear anything ; it’s so calm, so peaceful. It almost becomes pressuring because everything is so quiet here while Jimin is such a mess.

Putting his hands in his pocket, Jimin finds the pack of tissues the driver gave him earlier. He takes one from it and wipes his cheeks before blowing his nose. Again, he sighs. The little energy he had left went into flames with this big little crying session.

Suddenly, Jimin's phone vibrates into his jeans' back pocket. Weird. He was sure that he turned the do not disturb mode on.

The screen shows a call from Namjoon that goes unanswered because Jimin was too late to reply. From the lock screen’s notifications, Jimin can see that he missed several calls from Hoseok and Namjoon and he received a few texts from them asking where he was. The last one, sent only a minute ago, says :

PM 11:03 | Yoongi : “Hobi and Namjoon are going out to look for you. Please reply.”

“Jimin!!”

It’s Hoseok

Jimin turns around and sees his friend walking towards him

“I knew I’d find you here. Thank god. We were so worried” He places a hand on his shoulder (the uninjured one) “are you okay? Come on let’s go home. It’s so cold out here my gosh!”

On the way back, Hoseok calls the others to reassure them.

“Hey, can I come in?” Namjoon asks as he stands in the doorframe of Jimin’s room. He doesn’t wait for his friend’s//an answer to invite himself in.

Jimin is laying on his bed, earphones plugged in, staring at the wall. The sad music playing in his ears probably covered Namjoon’s voice when he spoke because Jimin is startled when he sits next to him on the bed.

“Oh. Joon. I didn’t hear you come in”

With a quick movement of his arm, Jimin cleans the already dried tears on his cheeks and removes his earphones. His eyes are still red though, a detail Namjoon does not fail to notice. He straightens up to properly face his friend.

“So,,, is there something you wanna talk about ?” Jimin checks his phone “Oh my- it’s already 3:00 AM, why are you still up? Is everything okay??”

Namjoon sighs “I could ask you the exact same question Jimin….”

A heavy silence sets itself in the room

“J-Joon, have you ever felt like a disappointment ? That you should give up on everything? You know, as if you were a failure. A- a failed attempt…

-Jimin I-

-I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I can’t sing like I used to, I can’t think straight, I struggle to sleep… Namjoon I feel like I’m going insane and it’s like no one can help me…

Jimin’s voice breaks at the end of his sentence. At that exact moment, Namjoon feels utterly powerless. He doesn’t know what to do. Never has he imagined Jimin, his Jimin, this sweet boy, could be feeling so much pain. No one in the group noticed, at least not before it was too late. Jimin covers his face as tears run down his cheeks again. Namjoon reaches out and puts an arm around his shoulder. The youngest nests his face in his shoulder and breaks down. Namjoon holds back his tears with a deep breath. He pats his friend’s back.

“Jimin. I- I’m sorry I didn’t realise sooner how great your pain was. We all are. I feel bad because I failed to notice this in the past few months. I saw you drifting away from us slowly but I thought it was just post-concert tiredness, I’m sorry I denied your pain. As the leader, I should’ve been more observant. I- You know, I always doubt my ability to comfort you guys because I feel like my words never carry the meaning I want to give them but I shall try tonight. It will seem like the worst comforting thing to say but it will get better, okay ? You know, when you come to think about it, you already made it through a dark time, more than once! Jimin it will get be okay. Eventually, someday. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a week. Maybe it will take more time than you expect before you really feel good again but you will get there okay? Time may seem desperate now and the place you’re in may seem very dark right now but it will be okay. I’m here for you. We all are.”

Namjoon never thought it would be this hard to comfort his friend, not when said person is completely falling apart right before your eyes. He exhales deeply, mustering the last of his strength to not break down too

“I was talking with the others earlier and we think you need a break. We all agreed it will be good for you. I already called Sejin and he seems okay with the idea. It will only do you good to stay out of the spotlights for a while. If- if that's what you want. For as long as you need.”

Jimin’s sobs slowly quiet and he quits his friend’s comforting embrace.

“Please keep in mind that you’re not disappointing anyone Jimin. We’re all so proud of how far you’ve come, even if you feel stuck or lost right now. Now please go wash your face and get some sleep, we can talk about all of this tomorrow when you wake up, our schedule is clear”

As Namjoon exits the room, a barely audible thank you can be heard.