Dazai X Reader Angst - Tumblr Posts

"I Wanna Be-"

Dazai Osamu x reader

Summary: Rainy days are for remembering the good old moments with your bestfriend, who you have a lethal crush on, a confession of tears masked withing the downpour.

Word count: 1.2k

tw.: angst, angst with comfort at the end, fluffy end

The orange-ish dim glow of streetlights illuminating the vacant streets of Yokohoma, as the heavy rain clouds space out into the vast night sky, giving room for the moon to bleed out and shine like the sun at night.

He, too, was admiring the moon in all its shimering glory. Having a moment of silence for himself, he felt at ease, his soul is at peace while his mind is drowning in the sea of sorrow. His heart aching for the first time in years, that feel like centuries.

"Why didn't I react? What went wrong, I precalculated everything correctly? What...what went wrong? Why am I so cruel...I didn't mean to be cruel...I didnt mean to hurt you..."

The down pour, heavy, yet there's this weighing feeling deep inside you, a feeling of heartbreak rippingnyour heart apart in an agonizingly slow pace, a feeling that angers yet saddens that fast beating heart of yours that's being torn apart from the inside out, as if a secret that can't be kept for too long is fighting war battle for freedom.

You know the truth, or so you believe. He literally gave it to you, why must you... why must this stupid heart still long for someone who doesn't want anything to do with it?

Strolling along the soothing bay, admiring the city lights from afar, with your drenched hands in your, equally drenched pocket. The rain is pouring down harder, yet that seems to be the last of your concerns. The heavy rain clouds surrounding you is enough for anyone in close proximity to know that you're not doing well... unfortunately no ones near to make such discovery.

"Why did he word it like that? Did he truly mean it? He's never been so heartless in ages, let alone with someone as close as me...what have I done..."

The image keeps coming back in a series of constant replay, an unescapable nightmare.

The way soft lips spoke words your mind didn't process, because its full attention was on deciphering the meaning behind his eyes... those sky blue eyes that hold so much pain, so much wonder, so much knowledge...yet, the only emotion it displayed was...the lack of emotion. Blank. His eyes showed nothing, yes they were soft, and a faint hint of pity could be detected, but it's even more confusing wether that is self pity or not...

He was beyond shocked, taken aback, overjoyed even, yet something was holding him back...he felt guilty, he felt confused, he felt vulnerable, he felt as if he was letting you down...he knows you deserve someone better, someone happier, someone who's not an ex-executive mafioso who's currently working as a detective, not someone who drinks regularly and can't commit to staying alive. Ofcourse you deserved better! Even a foolish dog like Chūya would know that, so why didn't you understand?

Yet there you were, fighting back tears when he just left. He had straight up left you to cry on the cols, brittle side walk, with rain and tears pouring down your face.

Shutting your eyes in an attempt to drown out all of those useless haunting memories. Standing on the edge stairs, focusing on keeping a good balance, so you wouldn't end up drenched in dirty river water.

"Why is the water so...so soothing...maybe if I sit down and relax for a bit, I'll be fine..." body weight shifting from one foot to another as if you were loosing conscious, but due to the skull shattering heavy down pour accompanied by spine shivering gales. Stepping a step lower into the water, your shoes were completely submerged, a cold shiver shot up your spine as you froze in place.

It felt good, for now it feels tranquil.

Deep breath in, Deep breath out...

...a familiar, contrast to the weather's temperature, warm scent of cigarette smoke, a little booze...dull mint...green tea... and home. The smell of home.

And before you knew it, you let him pick you up bridal style, carrying your cold body all the way back up onto the main road, even there he didn't let go, gripping you tightly to his chest, avoiding eye contact.

He somehow managed to carry and hold up an umbrella over the two of your, fresh rain-water drenched, heads.

Facing each other for the first time in what felt like, eternity. You two have faced off many times before, but this...this one feels different. Drastically different.

Emotions come into play here, strong emotions.

He never meant to make you cry, he never meant to hurt you, yet here you were hesitating wether to hold him close or keep an arms length distance between you two. Even though the tension in the air was as dense as winter snow, he held the umbrella out for you, covering your head, exposing his own.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Head held low, his voice strained, he was trying his best not to crack. His voice was shaky. Shivering, even though he was way better dressed than you for the weather.

Dazai Osamu, ex executive at the Port Mafia, currently working as a detective for the Armed Detective Agency, a man with mind that of hundreds, yet body of one. One of the strongest people in Yokohoma.Someone who drank his sorrow, his pain away...was here apologizing?

By this time, his hand was shivering, from the cold? Or the fear of rejection. The fear of loosing someone so close to him, his other half ( sorry Chūya), someone who, almost, knows every secret about him. He can't let you go...you know too much.

Embracing him as a form of apology was an unspoken rule between you two. Through out the years of hatred and comradery, whenever there was a disagreement you'd agree to disagree in a civil way.

He gripped you tighter, stronger, closer. Instead of his usual delicate and gentle manner, he was more...direct, blunt. His head resting on your shoulder, nuzzling closer into you nape of your neck, his breathing was unsteady, rapid. He is afraid of letting you go, he is afraid you'll leave, again, but for real this time...he...he wants you to stay. He wants you to be there with him. He wants you to be his, he finally processed the information, but by then you had already left him...he doesn't want that again.

The umbrella collecting rain on the ground, very well forgotten, while Dazai was being vulnerable, letting his guard down, showing that he fully trusts you.

"Please..." his voice croaked, trying his best to regain composure. " I'm sorry...don't ever leave me...I need you..."

Hugging you tighter, his voice was muffled, faint sobs could be heard from him. All you could do is reciprocate. Holding him up, kissing his forehead and whispering an endless string of consoling words filled with love and comfort, what he needs the most right now.

He needs you.