Do Not Percieve Me - Tumblr Posts
Feelings are such a colossal waste of time. They make you irrational, obsessive, and inefficient. It doesn’t even take me an emotionally destructive experience to say that. That is just what I think all the time. I wish that I didn’t have feelings so that life could be easier. Most of the time I feel like I don’t. I kind of feel like my heart is empty except for a few people. And I feel a total absence of any romantic feelings. I don’t know if I can have them. They seem way to embarrassing. I guess I can admire people and want them to like me in some way but I feel gross when I think of them in a romantic way. It sounds totally sociopathic, but the times I have let myself get carried away I become obsessive yet avoidant. I don’t know how to be casual. It’s not even romance, it’s obsession, so I stopped that fast because that is embarrassing. Now, I feel like I have neither obsession nor romance. There might be a little bit of interest and thought but ultimately, because I can never read people, it feels like a waste of time. Also, no one is good enough. I get icked out so fast. Like I can think about the idea of having a boyfriend all I want and how great that would be, but whenever there are actual men it is so gross. I will always find something to criticize. Forget having “standards”, it will take one thing for me to want nothing to do with you ever again. I have to force myself to be nice. I don’t even know what my love language or if I even have one. I have had friends ask me, and I never know what to say. I would say the only one that really appeals to me is quality time, but I love being alone. I feel awkward receiving gifts, and I always find it hard to pick stuff out for people. I don’t like just be touched, and I feel awkward touching other people, like I don’t feel like myself. I have to make an intentional effort to hug people and it shows. I get awkward when people compliment me or tell me good stuff about me and I always feel like they are lying. I am bad at giving intentional words of affirmation because I am too in my head to form words that I feel like are actually meaningful. Also, I like my independence too much to let people help me with tasks. I have a way I do stuff and I don’t like people trying to interfere with that. I just can’t imagine anyone feeling attracted to me in the first place. When that has come up in the past I always assume it’s a joke or something. Also, when I find out, I never reciprocate because that is too gross to me. I can never see myself and romance so I just seem to avoid it. I don’t think I am unlikable, I have friends and family I know loves me, but romance is different. It feels unrealistic and unattainable to me. Those feelings make me feel way to out of control to be appealing.
i’ve decided that i hate being perceived.
not in like a weird or autistic way, but like—
i’ve had multiple conversations today and they were describing how they saw me and i was just like… THATS how you see me??? stop plz.