Drac.txt - Tumblr Posts
nevermind im back in baby B)
its not a good feeling when the hyperfixation you've clung to for...5-6 months kinda fades away
its a bad feeling, actually
fuck
i guess thats what happens when you play other things and get sucked into those instead of interacting with the target of your hyperfixation.
sure the new thing is fantastic, but i just feel empty now. no offense to the new thing, but fuck, that old thing was really good. i'll probably circle back one of these days but fuck dude, it just feels bad, man.
im sure my ever-declining mental health isn't really helping.
my ass re-editing the same 86k words and then my brain tells me to rewrite an entire major-minor plot point (i've been writing this thing for five months and im dissatisfied with half of it for various reasons):
Does anyone else have trouble deciding which (of many) browser tabs to "park" on when you minimize the browser to do something else?
No?
Just me?
Alright.
whipped this up during a very serious discussion with @kleocchi (ok maybe it wasn't a discussion with them specifically, but they were there)
big fan of the queue
it makes me look like im consistently active and not bombarding my page with 20 reposts a day
jokes on you though
this post was queued
i wrote it like a week ago
get owned nerds
"I made this!"
So I have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with art.
I would never call myself an artist, but I would never disparage someone for doing the exact same thing I do and then call themselves an artist. An artist, to me, is someone who makes art. Simple as. Sure, you could more minutely define it as someone who makes a living from art, but you could also argue that the specificity of that would fall under whether or not someone calls themselves a professional artist. Meaning that they do it as their profession. (IE: a paid occupation, usually involving prolonged training and/or formal qualification.)
So, by that rule, I'm an artist because I make art (sometimes), but not a professional artist, because I don't make a living from it.
I suppose I could call myself a writer, too, but let's not get too into the weeds on etymology and labels. I'm some rando that makes art (sometimes) and writes (sometimes, and I even post sometimes too! [keyword: sometimes])
I'm pretty apprehensive about posting things I've made because of weird vulnerability I feel around it. Cuz like, I tried my best (or maybe its just a quick n dirty something or other for a laugh) and now that thing is going to be out for anyone to see? Spooky.
Well, I'm going to try to change my mindset and post things that I made cuz I made them, and if other people see them, great. If not, then it's for me to look back on anyway. It's not about likes or reception or anything. Just for me to look back on. It's just a scrapbook that I just so happen to put somewhere for others to look at if they want.
I recently went through my PC and located everything I've ever made and put it one spot. It's organized by year, and it was kind of wild to see how far I'd come in some regards.
There's some pictures I took of my sketchbook from when I was following Mark Crilley's art tutorials. Some attempts at pixel art (some of which aren't half bad, tbh) and some sketches I made in that old Sketchbook app for android. I actually had to hop on my old deviantart for some of it (oof) since I couldn't find the original files. They're probably on an old laptop somewhere, but I couldn't be bothered to pull the hard drive and dig for it.
I can really pinpoint my artistic motivations and pursuits in each year.
2013: Pixel art (just the worst pixel doubling and uniform outlining, yikes!)
2014: Traditional art and youtube tutorials, along with some pixel art here and there)
2015: I could only find one drawing from 2015 (had to grab that one from facebook...YIKES) and its a not-too-shabby drawing I did from reference.
2016: Following along with a Bob Ross episode in Mario Paint. This one actually looks really good. Maybe I'll post it one of these days, cuz it's kinda neat.
2017: Bought a drawing tablet with the money I made from working. Downloaded Sai and tried drawing from figure references. Some of it is really bad, but some of it shows an understanding of figure, which is kind of impressive in hindsight.
2018: Some more Bob Ross pixel art. I followed along with the same video as in 2016, but in Aseprite (the demo, so I only have a screenshot of the finished product because you can't save in the demo) and damn, it's still one of my favorite things I've ever made in Aseprite. Especially for only being 4 colors (GB green palette)
2019: Some more Sai stuff. Probably all done in the same session, but it's not the worst I suppose. I'm pretty inconsistent when it comes to focusing on art. I tend to get pretty distracted when I'm not immediately good at something. (And now I know why, although hindsight is 20/20)
2020: Uh? Couldn't find anything from 2020. Given what occurred that year, that's not all that surprising TBH.
2021: Some music I made and a doom level I made. This was sort of my intro to making levels for games. We had to make a game pitch for a school project and I went all out on making a demo. I think I clocked my hours and it was well over 40 hours put into the level alone. Made a custom weapon sprite any everything. It's pretty cool.
2022: My intro to working in 3D and making youtube videos. I started in Gmod, making simple animations, before eventually swapping to SFM for stills. Then a friend asked why I didn't just learn Blender instead, so that's what I did. If you know me from twitter, then you've probably seen these. They're NSFW, so maybe don't go digging if that isn't what you're into. That was sort of where my unhealthy relationship with social media and art began, because I started focusing a lot on views and likes and reception for things instead of just making things I wanted to make. (Mostly because I was surrounded by and learning from actual professionals, who do it as like, a job.) Sure there were things I made because I wanted to make them, but for the most part, I was going for the popular thing and wanting to "get big" at the time. Cringe, I know. Such is life. You live and you learn. Some of the best I made during this time was cuz I wanted to make it, and those are the ones I'm most proud of to this day.
2023: Burnout city! Unemployment will do that to you. Sure I worked on some stuff here and there, but I really burnt the hell out. Ended up working on some Doom levels and some little things here and there. Making a titlecard for a friend's youtube video, a cover art for a HM2 level, finishing my second reload animation, and a couple blender things. 2022 felt so productive in comparison, where did it all go wrong? (Oh yeah, the weird obsession with views. Right.) Then I got into writing that summer and I've sort of kept up with it. AO3 says I wrote 93k words that year, so that's not nothing. (I promise I'm working on another big project. It's just...hitting some creative snags. Again. Such is life.)
2024: The current year. I'm...trying to get back into making things for me. Writing things because I would read it. Drawing things that I would look at, or that I find interesting. Once again, I'm sort of trying to game my attention problems by not focusing TOO hard on one thing at a time. Otherwise I'd never finish anything, and while I'm not concerned about having things to post to social media, it does feel good to look back and see things you've actually finished. It's better to finish something and have it be like 50% of what it could have been than never reach 100% and then it just lives on as a reminder of your inability to finish things. I'd rather call something done and move on than obsess for ages over "what could have been." Or maybe I'm just waffling because I'm still trying to shake my weirdness. Bah. Some stuff I make might never see the light of day, but that's kind of a shame. I like making things and sharing them with other people. It's fun.
That's really the operative word of this whole ramble.
Fun
I do things because it's fun. I should want to do things because they're fun. Of course that's easier said than done when you have my specific brand of brain problems, but ya gotta catch the wind in your sail when it blows, right? (If that even makes sense.)
So yeah, here's hoping that this weird ramble convinces me to post things. Not because I want to get clicks or likes or engagement. But because I want to remind myself of how fun it was to do.
Like that Kolibri doodle I posted yesterday was something I did for fun. I though it'd be fun to do, so I did it. Simple as.
So here's to fun. Let's do stuff for that, and forget about clicks. I'm doing it for me. If you happen to like it, then more power to you. But I wanna have fun for me.
Yeah.
(Watch me then never post anything because my interests have waned and I hyperfixate on something else and then have to look at this post in a few months and cringe at the thought.)
But hey, nobody else is reading this anyway.
Right?
So I fired up Celeste (after having owned it for a year and a half but ignore that) and I'm so very conflicted about it. I love everything about it, but the compulsion for optional items is too strong and impossible for me to ignore.
This isn't the game's fault, and it actively tells you that they're purely optional and to only go for them if I really want to — as a challenge (an optional one, to reiterate). But like, I can't not go for the carrot (or strawberry in this case) dangling in front of me, the mind goblins are too strong.
Too strong.
Game's good, though. I'm just getting filtered by myself.
I really like it, though. Maybe I'll go back to it one of these days, but my completionist brain just kind of ruins my own enjoyment. Once again, this is not the game's fault. I just spend time going for an optional collectible and work myself up into a frustrated mess and then don't even feel anything once I've accomplished it.
It's like that Defunctland tweet. I hate going for optional collectibles (for the most part), but the only thing I hate more than going for optional collectibles is not going for optional collectibles. Dammit. I constantly turn something that's supposed to be fun into completing a checklist. But then again, I suppose that's the only way to trick my fucked up brain into wanting to do things.
Either it's gotta be complete sensory overload (racing games with loud music) or the illusion that I'm accomplishing something (achievement hunting) or both at the same time in some cases.
How the hell do normal people enjoy things? I'd really like to know, cuz I ain't that.
~Pinned Post~
Hello, this is Drac_Onion. I do some stuff sometimes.
I've done my best to do Tumblr's job for them by separately tagging original posts separately from reblogs.
If, for some reason, you would care to see original posts (not reblogs) then you can use the '#drac.txt' or '#drac_art' tags in the archive.
#drac.txt is for any original posts I've written. (Or for memes or whatever)
#drac_art is for any art I've made.
I'd do a separate tag for posts relating to written works, but you can just find those on my ao3 page HERE. (or i put them under drac.txt most of the time)
Why can't you filter out reblogs separately from original posts natively? I don't know!
House? Empty.
Schedule? Clear.
Games? Installed.
Executive? Dysfunction.
Currently? Staring at the floor.
aw dangit
"there's nothing to do I'm so bored"
*is currently surrounded by plenty of things to do*
House? Empty.
Schedule? Clear.
Games? Installed.
Executive? Dysfunction.
Currently? Staring at the floor.
aw dangit
*stops scrolling on Tumblr and puts phone down*
Brain: hey remember that super embarrassing thing you said to that barista that one time? I think it went something like-
*picks up phone again*
House? Empty.
Schedule? Clear.
Games? Installed.
Executive? Dysfunction.
Currently? Staring at the floor.
aw dangit
It's wild and also crazy when a previous HEAVY hyperfixation comes back up again (gets a new release/remaster/just comes up again/etc) and I have to fight the urge to jump back in.
Like, yeah, I see you. But also, please wait for the current one to hit a good break point before I hop back in. Dunno when that'll happen, but at least I'll be in good hands when it does.
Kinda crazy when you only interact or consume a specific part of a larger thing.
Like, I've been listening to RWBY music since around 2016 but I've only seen up to the second half of season 2. I play the songs in clone hero and I've been grinding the solo medley for the last year off and on.
Like, the music goes hard. But I pretty much JUST like the music.
That's kinda weird right? I suppose it's a compliment to the people who made the music that it's still good entirely standalone.
Although I suppose there are people out there jamming to Touhou remixes without having even touched the games so maybe not.
silent protagonists speaking is one of my favorite things to happen
like you go through a whole game or something with a silent protagonist and then they suddenly speak on their own its just mwah, its chef's kiss
i understand that the purpose of a silent protagonist is so it doesn't feel like they're putting words in your mouth, but its always so impactful when the character you're playing as shines through in a small way (in this instance, less is more)
i cant really think of any instances off the top of my head that accurately describe the point im trying to make, but yeah
in a way, if it happens at the end, it hits a lot harder
like the portion of your control over their actions is over and they can return to being themselves
theres something here i can feel it
I think the main character of every Souls-style game should speak a single voiced line and only ever ONCE per play through. After a random threshold of being killed by one the games’ bosses, The Chosen Undead/Bearer of the Curse/Ashen One/Tarnished should just let out an audible sigh and say “I fucking hate it here.”
And then they’d go back to being stomped by Qlorath The Accursed or whomever the fuck.
What A Waste Of Time
You're bored, but nothing at all sounds appealing. As you glance at the clock, time seems to be moving faster than you thought.
"1:38PM," the clock reads.
Doing nothing takes a long time, and you're fighting to connect the dots in your brain. "I want to do something!" your brain will cry out. "Let's play a game. Or perhaps we could make some food? What about reading?" you suggest. Each one is denied. "I don't want to do that!" your brain will reply, frustrated like a child.
So you simply do nothing. You scroll on your phone. You skip around between youtube videos that might have interested you before, but without any mental capacity to take them in, they glance off your glazed-over eyes and the dots don't connect. Sights and sounds that may as well be gibberish and tv static.
You glance at the clock, hoping that not too much time has passed while you wasted away in your chair.
"2:46PM," the clock replies.
That damn clock. There's an old saying that goes something like "time flies when you're having fun" but they must have forgotten the part where time flies even when you're not.
So you decide to scroll tumblr and see if you can't pan for dopamine like flakes of gold in a stream. The posts float past you.
A funny cat video.
Some art.
A mutual talking about their experiences with something you both enjoy.
But every time, the flakes slip by. You feel like you can see hints of that feeling you're craving, but it's just a trick of the light. The sun glinting off the water's surface as it flows by.
You glance at the clock.
"3:50PM," the clock says, shaking its head in disappointment. "You're wasting your day away, you know," it reminds you. "What a waste of time. Why did you even bother getting out of bed this morning?"
You don't have an answer.
So you sit and wait. Wait for your brain to catch up with what you want. You want to feel something again.
You stop.
Sit and stare at a point between your eyes and the screen.
You wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
You check your messages for the fifteenth time today. Nothing. The message you sent to your friend yesterday has yet to receive a reply.
"They must be busy," you think. "I'm sure they'll reply when they see it."
You tap your fingers idly against the desk.
You briefly consider getting up and making something resembling food, but you can't get your legs to move you. But that's alright, you weren't all that hungry anyway. You ate dinner last night, so you should be fine for now.
You look to the clock.
"What are you hoping to see?" the clock asks. "Time isn't going to move backwards. It only goes one way, my friend."
You know that, of course. If there was a way to go back and change things, you wouldn't be sitting here like this.
Your mind wanders. You busy your thoughts with things that can't be changed. Interactions you wish you could have handled differently. People you wish you would have appreciated more before they exited your life. Opportunities you wish you wouldn't have let pass you by.
You shake your head.
"There's no reason to try and think about what could have been," you say. "I can't change the past."
"Yes, that's true," the clock says with a sneer.
"But what if you could?" your brain interjects. "What if?"
You try not to think about it any more. It hurts too much to remember your own failings. They already cause your body to twitch at the remembrance.
You think about looking at the clock, but you decide against it. There's nothing it could possibly say that could help you right now.
You look up at the window.
It's dark outside.
You look at the clock in disbelief.
"Have you already forgotten what I said?" it shakes its head in disappointment. "Better luck tomorrow."
You pull yourself out of your chair, your legs feeling weak. You consider eating again, but you're so tired that you give up on the idea.
You climb into bed.
"Perhaps tomorrow will be different," you say.
"It won't be," your brain replies.
You've done this song and dance before. It's a vain hope that things will be different, but you feel like hope is all you have.
"But what if it was?" your brain posits. "Imagine where you would be in life?"
You try to think of the possibilities as you stare up at the ceiling. You wish things could be better, but you don't know what "better" means. Maybe better lives are for other people. People who don't waste away in their chairs all day and then go to bed, ready to do the same thing tomorrow.
People who contribute to society in some way. Not you.
"But what if?" you say. "What if?"
There's no reply.
It's honestly baffling what can remind me of those memories. The ones that make me full-body twitch in remembrance. The awkward, the cringe, the mistakes. The ones that keep me up at night.
I was working retail a few years ago and a customer comes in with their dog asking to be shown where the Apple accessories were. The customer was looking for them, not the dog, to clarify. Anyway, she thanks me for showing her the way and I jokingly say (I hope it came across jokingly) something like: "You could let me pet your doggo as payment" or somesuch.
Now, for context, we were very used to having animals come into our store. We were right next to a pet store, so it was pretty normal to see dogs or cats just about every day. Now, could I have simply asked nicely "May I please pet your dog?" Yes. I don't know why I did this, and that's part of what keeps me up at night. I tend to say things without thinking, and that's what gets me into trouble most of the time. Kids, please think before you speak.
I guess I mumbled because she said "what?" and so I clarified, asking like a normal person. She said no, as her dog was in service animal training (honestly, I dunno how I missed the patch on its vest) and apologized.
The way I said it keeps me up at night. "You could let me pet your dog as payment" even in a jokey tone sounds really fucking weird. Why am I like this? Why did I say that?
Does this customer now forever remember me as the weirdo who tried to request to pet their dog as "payment" for doing their job? Am I the butt of jokes in her friend's group chat? Am I permanently seared into her memory as a villain, the same way I am permanently seared into mine as one?
Who the hell knows?
The Ballad of Bella Buttons (based on a true story)
I've made decent headway this week. I wonder if that has something to do with my recent ADHD diagnosis and prescription... Hmmmm... Nah but in all seriousness, it's going real well so far. My focus has been good and I've been rewriting sections to make them flow better and read better and yeah.
I took a break for a bit once I finished my first draft to get my ADHD stuff sorted and man, am I glad I did that.
Still though, if this thing comes out before the end of the year it'll be a fuckin miracle. It's big. The google doc is 106k words and the story is easily pushing 90k.
As for the handful of oneshots... I honestly don't know. They should come out first. Well, actually, they have to come out first. There is stuff in those that's mentioned in the big thing. One of them just needs a pass on the dialogue near the end, but they all deal with some heavy topics and I don't wanna screw up my execution. There's probably one in there I can skip since I don't think the concept landed all that well. I'm not gonna trash it, but it'll basically be an entirely different thing by the time it gets anywhere close to my standards. (No clue what that form looks like, even in my head. Just don't know. I'll have to think on this.)
I kind of admire how sorta slapdash and fast and loose I took to BTM. I think the deadline was the main factor there, but the end product suffered because of it. I'd like to go through those again and touch them up, but that's a fairly low priority for me with all the planning I've been doing for the big thing. Still, very impressive for how new I was to the whole writing thing. At least impressive to me. 78k words in a few months ain't bad.
my ass re-editing the same 86k words and then my brain tells me to rewrite an entire major-minor plot point (i've been writing this thing for five months and im dissatisfied with half of it for various reasons):
Worked on it for about a week and a half solid. Had to take a break because I reach The Troubles™ part of the thing. (Insert a rant where I tried to be vague about my issues without spoiling things but just deleted it because "fuck it")
ANYWAY, I fired up an old thing that I wrote back in October and here we are. I'm really happy with how it's turning out. Just gotta have some friends take a look at it (can't make big decisions on my own) and then figure out a title. And then a summary. But yeah, it's really good. I'm super happy with it. This is a surprisingly rare feeling. Like, it's super personal, but it's finally at a point where I'm satisfied.
It's definitely gonna be tonal whiplash to the last stuff I posted. Such is life.
In other news, today is technically my one year writing anniversary. I started writing for ao3 exactly a year ago (and a couple hours but shhh) and here I still am somehow. Crazy that I haven't given up on this hobby yet.
my ass re-editing the same 86k words and then my brain tells me to rewrite an entire major-minor plot point (i've been writing this thing for five months and im dissatisfied with half of it for various reasons):