Edrelapze - Tumblr Posts
do you ever feel like you really suck at having an eating disorder like you see yourself eat normally for a couple days and you’re like “wow i really gotta do better with my ed” as if it’s a hobby you gotta put more effort into. then feel like you don’t actually have an ed because you let yourself eat normally.
what the f. this is why i am fat. i can’t do anything right. cant even starve myself correctly.
// general vent
I’ve struggled with gaining weight my entire life, and having a 400+ pound mother who points out everyone’s weight and struggles to walk to the couch sometimes didn’t help, it just set into my head that I’m just destined to look like her and be ugly and repulsive like her, so developing an ed in response was my brain’s fucked it way to sort of prove that I’m not like her whatsoever, but I’ve neglected my diets and even drinking water to the point that I cannot face myself in the mirror without wanting to break it because I’m so fucking fat and gross now. I don’t know how my fiancée finds me attractive at all, and I refuse to believe that I’m so gross that I’ll keep buying making and hair dye and things to make myself feel better but all I’m doing is putting makeup on a pig and thinking it makes any kind of difference. I’m repulsive. And it’s my own fault. But I refuse to sit and wallow in any more self pity; I choose now to do better with drinking my water daily and actually paying attention to what I’ve been shoveling in my massive tubby body. I am not like my mother. I will not end up like her. I am not her.
I think I’ve re-entered the honeymoon phase again since I’ve found these easy four-minute exercises and easily restricting my calories again with little to no effort :) I’ve already shed around 6 pounds and I’m no longer 240+ pounds. My birthday is in around 35 days so I’m trying to be around 200 or less before my big birthday dinner and I’ll let myself splurge a bit since I wanted to drive two hours out for the occasion. Here’s to slowly getting to my last lw of 177 before 2025 🤗
tw meanspö for myself
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And after spending all day trying to think skinny and excited for a weigh-in tomorrow I binged at work like the fat pig I’ve always been 🥲 two binges back to back is pathetic; just because I work near food doesn’t mean I need to EAT ALL OF IT. Fat ugly bastard. You’ve got 60+ pounds to go before you even touch the 170s again, so work harder.