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My Heart, A Cold Veggie Sandwich.

Suggestions for simple veggie sammies to bring to work (and why you should never buy another cold sandwich in Denver again).

I admit that I’m a simple, human pos who doesn’t know everything that there is to know... but it’s my humble opinion that there really is never a situation where a vegetarian sandwich and a meat sandwich priced at the same amount is justifiable. I mean - why would a sammy that consists of mostly lettuce, sprouts, cheese, maybe avocado and some other pizza toppings cost the same as a salami-pepperoni-meatball-Frankenstein paired also with vegetables, pizza toppings and cheese – I’ll just say: it don’t make no sense!

Here are some simple suggestions to spice up your lunch and to save you some dough. Just a hint so that you can save yourself the time and energy it might take to read ‘em all - each of these suggestions involve vegetables, carbs, (maybe) cheese and a sauce or shmear. I ain’t no Chef Emeril, you can definitely figure it out yourself, mix and match - empower yourself, son!

First: I is Hung Over, Need Spicy Salty: Take whatever carbs are laying around (tortillas, pita, bagel, whatever) and slap on a healthy amount of Dijon mustard, several slices of cheese, a couple pickles and potato chips. Without fear, smoosh that down flat. Enjoy a similar vibe to a ham and cheese as this sammy cleans up your booze soaked tummy. (That’s that healthy lifestyle shit vegetarians are always going on about, right there…)

Second: Anything Crunchy and Herbs: Start with flavorful bread like sourdough or rye. Grab some fresh herbs of your choice and toss it in a bowl with crunchy romaine lettuce. Dress the greens in red wine vinegar, mustard and olive oil and lay ‘em on the bread. Add fresh mozzarella (or cottage cheese if you ain’t afraid of the mess) and a fancy, peppered heirloom tomato or yellow pepper or cucumber or anything.... crunchy.

Third: Creamy and Crunchy: In THIS order, shmear whipped cream cheese on a toasted slice of carb, sprinkle an unholy amount of shredded carrots right on top of that cheese, a thick layer of spinach on top of them carrots, pickles or banana peppers on top of them spinaches and sliced green bell pepper on top of them pickles or banana peppers. Smoosh it down and wrap it up for later.

Forth: Health Nut: Start with any kind of whole grain carb and load it up with lots of chopped kale, romaine lettuce and/or spinach, sliced apple, radishes, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, shredded carrots, avocado and bell pepper. Smear hummus on that bad boy, if you’re into that kind of thing. 

Fifth: Vegetables and Cheese: Any kind of vegetables, fruit, oils, shmears and cheese between bread. 

You did it - feel good my friend, you have just won!

Accidental Vegetarian Restaurants in Denver

My fellow vegetarians, vegans, pescatarians, pollotarians, flexitarians, gluten free picky eaters and hipster sell out fad poseurs - fam, let’s be real, eating out when you have a peculiar and particular diet sucks. It is way too easy to come off like a rude and spoiled squab, a douche, with ‘special dietary needs’ that can seem very unnecessary and finicky in the wrong environment. Let me put it this way, you wouldn’t go to a fish taco truck and order a number five, ask where the fish came from, hold the fish, replace the fish with coleslaw and mention how ‘it wouldn’t hurt if you charged me less because frankly, I’m paying for bread and cabbage…..’ 

So where does this leave you?

You’re either stuck with a niche, culture-vulture establishment that serves overpriced food (a parasite, if you will, feeding off the vegan market looking to make money with only investors and half assed tofu-centric menu items at the core of its business, ubiquitous vegan establishments who will remain nameless) – or sad side items consisting of starches and ‘seasonal vegetables’, which are more often than not three sprigs of $6 asparagus cooked in bacon fat, or a minimal house salad where you will probably have to ask that the kitchen ‘hold the ham’, or the worst - nothing at all other than chips and a Cliff bar from 711.

Before you give up on going out, there is hope. 

My favorite places are what I call accidental vegetarian spots. Places, who, through their genuine effort and passion to provide flavorful, delicious food, have come up with menu items which are not only vegetarian friendly, but are actually made with quality ingredients and care… like someone actually took the time to think about what the fuck food they were preparing for you to eat. Unlike the trash veggie burger at Park and Company – if you’ve ever had that rice, corn slop – you feel me.

If you find yourself in Denver, out with friends, looking for something that will satisfy everyone - even those nasty carnivores you hang out with - see below for a short list of note worthy destinations.

My Brother’s Bar - getting lit as never been so charming

Established in 1873 and located just north of down town Denver, My Brother’s Bar is a delightful, fried food haven. All self respecting beer drinking Americans are encouraged to check this place out. In addition to the many brews and liquors available at this full service bar, the menu also features a variety of classics, including burgers, jalapeno poppers, hot dogs, sandwiches, salads and an incredible veggie burger – The Boulder Burger. When this morsel arrives to the table, professionally wrapped in fast food fashion, accompanied by what Yelp reviewers call ‘an interesting condiment box’ filled with pickles, onions, peppers and relish – it is an exciting experience like no other. On top of all that, this patty (made in-house) is as tasty and satisfying as that double cheese I know ya’ll miss from that golden arched McMonster. Whether you dine inside or out on the private patio, My Brother’s Bar is sure to hit the spot.

Torta Grill - quick, hot and satisfying (oooo baby)

Tucked away between N Williams St and N High St on Colfax is an affordable and deliciously unique compact take-out café – Denver’s Torta Grill. Vegetarians rejoice! Torta Grill has several tasty veggie options, including this cactus filled delight – The Enrique. Stuffed full between two delicate, fluffy slices of bolillo bread is cactus, egg, panela cheese, red peppers and other grilled veggies. Warm, gooey and grilled, this traditional sandwich boasts an awesome flavor. Cactus is not easy to find in Denver, and the chefs at Torta Grill are experts. Try this with their signature “Red” or “Natural” juice and you my friend are set up for a satisfying experience.

The Universal - brunch that will satisfy everyone (including ur sinning friends)

This traditional breakfast is perfect for vegetarians looking to soak up last night’s mistakes. The potatoes are crispy and salty, the toast is perfect for scooping up those escaped egg innards and The Universal’s vegetarian sausage patties are to die for. Friends, resist the urge to ask your server if a mistake was made with the order. Yes, they taste just like breakfast sausage, they look just like breakfast sausage but believe it or not, these little sausage patties are one hundred percent vegetarian. We swear! The next time a serious breakfast is in order, The Universal has you covered.

Whether you’re a vegan or carnivore, flexitarian or someone who just loves to flex on others with shitty labels that really don’t mean anything - srsly, google it - I love you and hope you enjoy these establishments as much as I do! 

Thanks for reading,

The Angry Vegetarian