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Pain and suffering

Have a gold star...

I swear, I started this as a wholesome innocent comment on how when Crowley has to think of a prize, after 6000+ years, his sweet head still goes to stars as the ultimate symbol of something beautiful and cherished.

But then I was struck by something: sarcasm.

Both times, when he tells someone to "have a gold star," he doesn't say it with a tone of affectionate irony, like the cool-but-sweet uncle with a rough personality but a soft heart. He says it with a tone of bitter sarcasm, of painful disenchantment.

Because it's not a prize that he is offering; it's a sop, a cruel joke-gift, something that will get you excited at first just because you have a stupid, naive, innocent soul, and you will later realize that it means nothing to the one who assigned it to you, and that they are ready to take it away whenever they want, while the rest of the world laughs at your ridiculous gullibility.

Because this is what stars were for him.

They were his beloved, exciting creation. The star-factory nebula was his cherished task, assigned to him by God, and he believed that it was meant to be a thing of beauty and splendor, and hold value in the grand scheme of the universe... only to discover, immediately after he created it, that it was never intended to have any value at all. It meant nothing to God. It wasn't even planned to last enough to fullfill its purpose. It was a joke, a cruel prank. 

The stars were God's bad pun of giving angel!Crowley something to do, and love, and have hope and expectations for, and then taking it away. Revealing that it was just a shiny piece of gold cardstock that only a simpleton could consider valuable. Of course he can only say "have a gold star" as a dry snarky sarcastic comment on someone who thinks they have achieved something meaningful when it's actually nothing. Be it the Them defeating the Four Horsemen. Be it Muriel being noticed by the Metatron.

Great, sure, have a gold star, be all excited and squealing with happiness, it will turn into ashes before you even know it.

I am not sure that Crowley's snake eyes were ever intended to signal that he cannot see the stars because snakes have bad vision (even ignoring the zoological fact that they are sensitive to UV light though, so they should still see astronomical objects, in the book it says that demons must be able to see at night, and that's why Crowley doesn't need to turn on the lights on the Bentley), but for sure the Fall and Heaven's cruelty has ruined the stars for him, in a way.

Now, in his mind, they are the ultimate symbol of delusion, of naivety, of foolishly investing your love and passion and hopes in something, of stupidly ignoring that the things you cherish will be ruined or taken away from you or leave you on their own accord.

That's also why Aziraphale's "nothing lasts forever" cuts him so deep. That's why his "no... no, I dont' suppose it does" sounds so much like a truth that he is remembering instead of one that he has jsut discovered.

Here you go, you did it again, you thought you had something significant and instead it was just like your stars, you should have known that whenever you find something beautiful it's just a matter of time before you lose it, you shouldn't get too attached.

In s1e6 he says it to the Them, in s2e6 he says it to Muriel. I do hope that in s3e6 he will get the chance to say it again, but this time it will be honest and out of joy, because whatever is going to happen will make him able again to believe that you can be happy, and can hold onto the good things that you love. You can have all the gold stars, for real. They don't always have to disappear and leave you in pain. They can stay with you.

So, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep seeing metas about how Aziraphale wants Crowley to return to Heaven and be an angel again because he wants them to be on the same side/be good/change/etc., etc., etc. but I don’t see that at all. I actually see it as the very opposite.

Aziraphale loves Crowley just as he is. But there’s something more. Something huge.

Aziraphale loves Crowley and because he is an angel who is stuck in seeing things as black and white, he constantly praises Crowley for being nice. For being good. For being kind.

Aziraphale has watched Crowley on and off for 6,000 years. He watched him thwart the plans of Heaven and Hell because it was unjust. He spared the lives of innocents. He did small things that made Aziraphale happy just because (like making Hamlet successful and saving valuable books). And because Aziraphale sees things in black and white, he sees all the things Crowley has done as nice, as good, as kind.

Crowley vehemently attests he’s not nice or good or kind.

He’s not exactly wrong nor is he lying when he says this. When Crowley spares goats during a cruel bet over a righteous man and swallowing laudanum to prevent a suicide, when he prevents Armageddon by working with Aziraphale and stopping the Anti-Christ from being the Anti-Christ, he’s not doing the nice/good/kind thing.

He’s doing the right thing.

Crowley chooses to do the right thing without hesitation. He is better than all of Heaven and Hell who have callous and dispassionate view of all existence because he questions, because he makes choices. Crowley sees the world for all its messiness and he sees himself. He sees a place where he fits in. He sees the blurred edges.

And Aziraphale sees that, even if seeing the blurred edges is hard for him.

But here’s the thing that Aziraphale can’t voice.

It’s the reason why he told Crowley about being allowed to return to Heaven and become an angel again. He doesn’t want Crowley to change. He doesn’t think Crowley is flawed. Or not enough.

It’s something that is so monumental that it cannot be put into words. Because to put it into words would be more than blasphemy. It’s down right unthinkable for anyone in Heaven, Hell, or Earth to say what Aziraphale knows deep in his soul.

God was wrong to cast out Crowley.

Aziraphale believes Crowley can/should return to Heaven because he knows that Crowley should never have fallen in the first place. He wants him to be forgiven because when Crowley fell it was unjust. Aziraphale is trying to correct a mistake. He’s trying to do the right thing.

Yes, Crowley would never accept returning to Heaven. And Aziraphale was wrong to even suggest it (although that conversation is another can of worms to unpack).

Aziraphale loves Crowley. He loves him exactly as he is. He doesn’t want him to change. Aziraphale knows that Crowley the best of all of them. He wants to change Heaven because of it. Because God was wrong and Aziraphale knows it.

Aziraphale may have difficulty seeing beyond black and white, but when it comes to Crowley he sees everything crystal clear and in vivid color.

Nice explanation ! I wanted to add something else to your thought. Another crime from the Metatron is to show Azi how much Crowley hates Heaven, and by metaphor again, showing how much he hates angels from there. But Azi is an angel, so he's maybe just hearing "I hate Heaven and angels ! I hate YOUR nature ! I hate EVERYTHING about YOU !", because Azi always refers himself as an angel through the whole series. If Crowley refuses to work with him, Aziraphale wouldn't have another answer about why Crowley do that : since Before the Beggining, they were working together several times without this to be a barricade between them. But now, Metatron give him the offer to become Supreme Archangel and a leader of the next biggest decisions. If Crowley doesn't like him because of being Supreme Archangel, it means he has never liked Aziraphale at all because he is an angel who obbeys Heaven, and by extension, he never really liked Aziraphale. The scene where he's saying "I think you don't understand what I'm offering you" sounds condescending, but maybe it means "If you liked what we did before by saving the world, why would you want to stop me when I will be able to change everything for good with you on my side ?" Crowley's answer is insulting and not complete at all. And then, the kiss. Aziraphale was already confused by Crowley's refusal, and the kiss added a lot of confusion. At first, Aziraphale is surprised, but the second he understand what's happening physically, we can see he's hesitating between pushing himself against Crowley or pushing Crowley away from him. As the battle inside his head ends, he makes up his mind : Crowley's trying to make him stay on Earth, to make him stay here at the lowest as possible by risking Aziraphale's safety, while he could fall just by wanting to stay with Crowley. Crowley seems selfish by doing that, while Aziraphale wanted to work to make things better. This is not the first time Crowley show selfishness. In the book, (SPOILER TIME !!!!!!) when Adam defeated the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Satan is coming. Instead of staying there, Crowley runs to a Jeep around there, with the aim of fleeing elsewhere before trouble comes. Aziraphale comes to him and explains that there is nowhere to go, nothing to lose by facing Satan, and Crowley finally agrees and stays. In the series, Crowley ask Aziraphale to leave Earth with him a lot of times before the Appocalypse, and then at the end of Season 2. There is one time Crowley tries to face his problems : this is when Hastur and Ligur comes to him to kill him, and then he succeeds to kill Ligur and to flee Hastur. He did that because Aziraphale gave him Holy Water. When Aziraphale is here, Crowley usually doesn't feel the need to go away. When Aziraphel is not with him or do not agree with him, Crowley alone is a coward or a runaway. And the only thing that could lead Aziraphale to abandon him to his doom was brought by Metatron. Aziraphale finally leaves Crowley on Earth, alone so not able to fight anything without his angel, and Aziraphale has the taste of bitterness because of Crowley's way to want him not go back to Heaven in a selfish way, wanting Aziraphale with himself only and not on the Up Side, where Aziraphale thinks he'll be capable of anything to make the Universe better.

Metatron is a masterpiece at manipulation, at understanding how people works, at knowing the weakness of each one. Metatron is the biggest ennemy since Season 1, and he succeeds at tearing appart the "us" Azi and Crowley had just for some years only. Being able to read the Book of Life (even without being able to interact with it) is a big help for Metatron to do that, as he seems to be the narrator when we can see all the flashbacks. And as always, I recall that those are only my thoughts about a story I love.

Aziraphale doesn't drink coffee

My friends, it feels obvious now, but I finally managed to put my fingers on what was bothering me about this specific exchange of lines:

If you think about it, this exchange doesn't make sense. Aziraphale says:

"But I… I don't want to go back to Heaven. Where would I get my coffee?"

and the Metatron answers:

"You know, as Supreme Archangel, you would be able to decide who to work with."

What does being able to decide who to work with have anything to do with coffee?

At first, like many of us, I had interpreted the scene as Aziraphale using the coffee as a metaphor for expressing his love for Earth and earthly pleasures, and the Metatron slyly throwing the Crowley's restored angelic status card on the table to force him to change his mind, as if Crowley was the one important thing that could make Aziraphale forget all other things on Earth.

But here's the thing - and I don't know why I never noticed it before: as far as we know, Aziraphale doesn't drink coffee.

If I am not mistaken, there are only three explicit coffee references in the two seasons: the "six shots of espresso," the espresso cup that sits in front of Crowley on the table at the Ritz in s1ep1, and the two mugs in s1ep2 when Aziraphale and Crowley stops at a sort of dining place to discuss how to find the lost Antichrist. Now, unlike with the expresso cup at the Ritz, where we have an above shot that clearly shows traces of coffee, we don't see what's inside the two mugs here. But I don't think Aziraphale's one contains coffe: he's not even aware that caffeine is definitely does not "calm people down," it's very clearly not his thing.

Furthermore, we do know what his things are: little restaurants, sushi, classical music, old bookshops, tea, crepes, French wine… not coffee.

When the Metatron asks him to become Supreme Archangel, he could say "where would I get my sushi?" or "where would I get my books" or "where would I get my records" which is an actual line that he pronounced earlier while talking to Maggie.

Instead he says "coffee."

And then it struck me: Aziraphale is never associated with coffee. But Crowley is.

That's what he's saying, probably unconsciously: when he says "where would I get my coffee?" he's not expressing his love for Earth, he's expressing his love for Crowley.

He could even be doing this without realizing it, as a form of involuntary codification (codification like in Freud's or Matte Blanco's theories of unconscious mind: where something seated deep inside you hooks onto some minor detail outside and starts speaking through your words as if on its own accord). After all, this particular morning, after the emotional strain of the ball, the demonic attack during the night, and the unexpected revelation of Gabriel and Beelzebub relationship, seems to me like the sort of moment in which some amount of brain fog is to be expected, even for an angel.

But the Metatron sees straight through him, possibly even more clearly than he sees through himself, and gives an answer that ignores the superficial codification and address directly the deep meaning. He doesn't say: "as Supreme Archangel you would be able to pop down here whenever you want and have as much coffee as you like." He immediately sees that "where would I get my coffee?" means "how could I be together with Crowley?" and makes his dirty move of dangling the idea of restoring Crowley to his former angelic status in front of Aziraphale's face because he knows that this is the one and only point.

And now I really, really, really hope that in s3 we will see Supreme Archangel Aziraphale sending someone on Earth to get him some coffee - maybe a big cup with six shots of espresso in it and nothing else - and then grabbing the paper cup with a pain, strenght, and desperation that nobody else would understand.

What's really hurting me, after thinking constantly about Good Omens 2 since I watched the finale yesterday, is how much pain Crowley is in. He doesn't fit in with the demons, not with angels, not with the humans.

He's all alone.

Except for one being. In all of the world, there is only one, who truly knows what Crowley is going through. His angel.

But Aziraphale isn't alone. He still has a community and colleagues in Heaven.

Or so they both think.

You see, Aziraphale doesn't have a "people". He think Heaven is his people, like a toxic family. Noone in Heaven understands him. Aziraphale is just as alone as Crowley. But he doesn't want to realize that, he would much rather just keep on living his life, believing in the good things. Surely it can't be that bad?

Crowley realized in the finale that Aziraphale doesn't only have Crowley, as Crowley only has him. And when Aziraphale starts talking about how they can go back to Heaven together, Crowley realized Aziraphale doesn't understand how much Heaven hurt him. It makes me him feel so infinetly more isolated. If he doesn't have Aziraphale, he has noone.