Horror Humor - Tumblr Posts

Example of what you get when you open Chekhov’s Box:

imagination (1963) - harold ordway rugg

"chekhovs cat / schrödingers razor / occams gun"

𝐒𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐈𝐈: 𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨-𝐌𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬. (P.1.)

(Viewers discretion is heavily advised. This is all fiction, darlings.)

Life would be considered dull if it were devoid of flamboyant displays. However, life is really lived to the fullest when random, serendipitous occurrences arise. A road trip with four friends is, of course, a tired old cliché. With the sole purpose of enjoying the open road, they have packed just the essentials and are stashed in a rather decent camper. To genuinely begin on life, that is what it means.

Each time they stop at a gas station, the assigned drivers will trade off. Whether it's because the beef jerky is too "jerky" or because someone forgot to get batteries, someone is always griping. Jesse sat behind the wheel in front of the vehicle, his hands firmly gripping the wheel while he sometimes used his slender fingers to tap on the screen of the radio, presumably in search of a station devoid of annoying advertisements. With a gentle brake, he moved into the right lane just as the light ahead turned red.

"How many times are we gonna hear, about Mitsubishi cars? Change the station man." Kourtney whined, as she stretched her legs out onto the dashboard.

Behind her, Von snickered lowly as he swallowed the rest of his beef jerky. He let out a dry cough, mumbling under his breath that pepper jerky, wasn't the best road tripping snack.

"It's public radio, I have no control over it."

"He said, as he simply switches between the only two, radio station he knows." Megan playfully narrated, with a snipe; but giggled at the end.

Jesse retorted in giving her the finger in the rearview mirror. It was true though, Jesse only liked two radio stations. One being pure classic 60's rock n' roll and smooth R&B; there was never anything else in between.

As soon as the traffic began to move again, Jesse stepped on the pedal and proceeded to make another right turn. The only sound throughout the car's journey was the music that everyone was listening to, but no one was talking. Perhaps everyone was either too exhausted or too enthusiastic to care about the destination of their road journey. Aside from not looking for landmarks, none of the friends had reserved any accommodations. All they had to do was pull onto the campsite that Von had reserved earlier that week. The freedom to roam the broad road without restrictions was thrilling.

In the rear, behind Jesse, was Megan. She let her gaze wander to the world beyond the window, her leg resting comfortably on Von’s lap. Observing the world go by was something she liked. As they continued their journey, they saw that fewer street lighting were visible, and it seemed as if the darkness was engulfing them. It seemed like only their camper was on the road ahead, and Megan could see that Jesse had managed to escape the thick, backed-up traffic. Since there was no traffic, they were free to disregard traffic laws.

Thirty minutes into the drive, and everyone was becoming antsy. Kourtney sat upright and huffed, looking at the GPS on her phone. "Jes, you're going the wrong way."

He arched an eyebrow, leaving his left hand on the steering wheel, craning to look at her phone. "It says to keep straight."

"We've been going straight for like an hour." Megan spoke, a yawn filtered into every sentence.

Jesse took the GPS from off the holder, stopped the camper and put it in park. The friends in the camper were engulfed by shadows and what seemed like a pitch-black road. Von yawned and ran his hands over his hair in the backseat. He noted that for the last five miles, they had not seen a single road sign. With a cautious thumb, Jesse continued to scroll and scan the GPS for any obvious indications of their destination, while he silenced everyone else. Because Kourtney hadn't charged her phone, it was almost dead, so it didn't help.

Mountaining tension began. "You need to seriously charge your phone, Kourt." Jesse griped. Kourtney, rolled her eyes and turned to look out her own window. "We're not even on an actual road anymore."

"So where are we?" Both Megan and Von asked.

Jesse whipped himself around to stare at his two friends. His blue eyes were darker now, and he held a confused and frustrated expression. "If we knew where we were, wouldn't I keep driving?"

"You were doing that five minutes ago." Von shot back, laughing slightly.

Ignoring him. Jesse turned back in his seat. Foot on the clutch, taking the camper out of park and started driving again. All three friends, shared the exact same thought: Where was he going? Where were they going?

-----------

"Try it now!"

Crank... nothing.

With a huff, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. "Again!" He yelled, as he dove his head back under the hood of the camper.

"Still nothing man," Said Von flatly. "We gotta get to a gas station or something."

"Something," Kourtney piped in as she leaned against the camper. Her already scuffed boots crunched on the dirt road.

Grease and oil caked his fingertips, causing Jesse to grimace as he continued to work under the camper's hood. At the previous petrol station, he had filled up the tank to the brim, in his mind. It appeared his prediction was incorrect, however, given the car's bluddering and wheezing, as if it were on its final legs. He also leaned against the camper as he slammed the hood down, his voice rising to an angry screech. This trip was failing miserably. Imagine a world without petrol, road signs, or smartphone GPS. Could this be another one of those "punked" instances starring Ashton Kutcher? Were their phones actually dead?

He sighed and fiddled with his blonde hair as he searched his pocket for a pack of smokes. Lighting one, Jesse turned to Kourtney who had this goofy expression on her face. "S' funny?"

"Huh?"

"I said, what's so funny? You've been looking at me with such a dumb look."

Kourtney gritted her teeth, "Be like the camper and shut up."

Both Von and Megan bursted into fits of laughter as they exited the camper.

There was an obvious buildup of tension between them all. It had all the hallmarks of a terrible horror movie: the camper was out of gas, and it seemed like none of their phones were working. As he steamed his eyes over Kourtney, Jesse let out a puff of nicotine. It seems like he was in no mood for verbal sparring. True enough, the four pals were worried about how, if at all, they could get the camper operating again.

Megan drew her pink windbreaker jacket over her arms and cocked her head to gaze upwards. Complete blackness; not a single star visible. Returning to the camper, locating a charging plug, and patiently waiting could allow them to summon assistance.

Von, huffed an impatient sigh before speaking up, "Let's just get inside the camper and..." His voice trailed as shuffled over to Jesse, and plucked the cigarette from his fingers to, take a drag.

Megan agreed. "Yeah, at least we have somewhere to sleep."

"Sleep? In the middle of nowhere?" Kourtney, whined in that nasal voice of hers.

That made Jesse chuckle. "You could always sleep outside."

"We're in the middle of nowhere."

"We have to charge our phones, Kourt." Megan cooed, as she saddled up to her friend, and rested a hand on her shoulder. "So, let's just get back in the camper and stop all the bickering."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Whispers of bone-chilling screams and a deafening shriek followed. A specific tapping sound, like corroded nails on a worn-out blackboard. Unsettling sounds of crunching leaves and muck, as if the walker's shoes were caked in mud, evoked a sense of foreboding. After laying down on his side, Von buried his face more into the camper's pullout mattress cushion and scrunched his nose. But even as he twisted around, the scraping, pounding of feet outside the camper remained audible. He pivoted again, emitted an irritated grunt, and sat up, careening his head into the camper's little shelf. "Goddammit." He cursed, rubbing the ache on his forehead.

He reached a hand out and shook Megan tenderly, who was cuddled up underneath the blanket. After a few more shakes she stirred awake. "W-what?"

"Do you hear that?" Von asked.

Megan quietly yawned, sat up slightly, and crossed her legs to her chest in response to his question. Did she hear anything? Kourtney was sound asleep on the mattress next to Megan, and all Megan could hear were the faint grumbles of snores. She cocked her head in Von's direction, scowled, and pouted; he had ruined her sleep for nothing? "Go back to sleep." Megan lazily yawned, lying back down. Before closing her eyes, she softly spoke. "Check your phone, to see if it's charged."

Von clenched his jaw at his pretty friend. How could she go back to sleep when all that noise was clanking, banging, and creating a creepy and ruined experience outside the camper? He rested back and tried to close his eyes—but he could hear the screeching. What the hell was that?

Once more, he palmed Megan's shoulder and roughly shook her; not caring if she were to be cranky. "Cookie, wake up. Don't you hear that?"

Megan, sleepy, and quite agitated now was awake. And, despite being annoyed by Von; she knew it was serious when he called her "Cookie." Rubbing her eyes, she yawned. "Hear what? I don—" Stopping, Megan then felt air get clogged in her throat.

It was only now that she heard it. A shriek that sounded like it resounded from coast to coast accompanied the bloodcurdling groans. What on earth was that? Plus, who was the source of those horrible noises? She jolted Kourtney awake in the same way that Von had done to her. Kourtney sat up, her eyes wide as she hummed a weary sigh, a little shocked.

"What's going on? What's that noise?" Kourt groaned.

"I don't know," Von retorted as he got off the mattress and within the small space searched for his phone. As he did, he noticed, that he didn't hear any of the loud snores coming from Jesse.

Craning a look over his shoulder at the girls, he chewed his lip biting a question. "Where's Jess?"

Megan furrowed her thick eyebrows, "He's not in here?"

Kourtney yawned again and stretched before getting off the little cramped mattress as well. "Jesse? You up front?" Calling out and receiving no answer.

No answer. But... Additional snarling, wailing, and what sounded like a throaty gasp echoed through the three companions' ears. As they exchanged worried looks, they hoped that maybe they were all experiencing hallucinations. Perhaps from when they had eaten the mushrooms that Jesse had brought on the trip. However, that treat occurred some hours ago. However, Jesse remained unresponsive despite their repeated calls for him. Screams that sounded like sharp nails scraping on the camper's metal and a low gurgle of groans, as if someone was in despair, resounded again close to the sliding door of the camper.

"Alright Jess, enough! Stop dicking around man." Von called out, as he moved closer to the front of the camper; determined to put his and the girls fears to rest.

As Von made his way up to the front of the camper, he noticed the keys were in the ignition; the radio was on; and turned down low.

A claustrophobic mattress occupied the area between the camper's front and rear seats. But Von scowled and furrowed his brows. Jesse, where in earth was he? Did he go pee somewhere? Since they were all in remote areas, did he try to locate the closest gas station, if there was even one. Von could make out some smudges on the rolled-down driver's window in the dark, even though the window was fully open. It was something.

"What the—" Something grabbed Von's head as he was going to place his thumb on the strange smear on the camper. Clamping down on the sides of his temples, it not only gripped his head but also felt like simple suction. Nails were sticking out of whatever it was, slowly probing his body and even his skull. As his lifeless form slithered out the window, Von screamed for help; he had been snatched.

TBC...

𝐒𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐈𝐈: 𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨-𝐌𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬. (P.2.)

"You can't be that afraid, you played Jennifer Check, in Jennifer's Body." Kourtney said, as she and Megan ventured out of the camper.

Before he was either abducted or—like himself—played a very sinister prank on them, the two ladies could heard Von struggling for air. No matter what it was, neither Megan nor Kourtney thought it was humorous. Megan started to bite the inside of her cheek as she wondered where they were as they walked hand in hand along the lonely, dark gravel road. Just where were Jesse and Von? Furthermore, she couldn't see why her friend thought a "horror" picture would be realistic in any way.

Megan glanced across at Kourtney and gestured to her jacket pocket, her expression betraying her irritation. "Is your phone charged now?"

"Yeah,"

With a small beat of silence, coupled with irritation Megan spoke again. "Flashlight! Turn on the fucking flashlight!"

Mumbling her own curse words under her breath, Kourtney obeyed and turned her flashlight on, her phone. They continued down the dark road, every so often checking behind them to make sure their camper was still there. Megan ran a hand through her messy, brunette hair and grumbled. "Jesse! Von! This isn't funny, c'mon!"

In return, all she heard was her own echo of her voice. Beside her, Kourtney called for the guys too; and received the same callback—just an echo of their mixed voices.

This was starting to become more than just a game; it was becoming a major source of anxiety for ladies. Perhaps they should have thought twice before agreeing to Von's irrational idea to rent a camper and go somewhere they couldn't possibly predict, especially since they didn't have all of the details. Over the course of the mile or so that they had traveled, Megan saw that neither Jesse nor Von were around. It also appeared like the shrieking, screaming, and scraping noises that they had heard before had subsided.

Kourtney tried to make the dirt road more apparent by shining her phone ahead, but she veered her teeth in frustration when she discovered it was useless. "Lets just... go back to the camper. I'm sure dumbass one and dumbass two will come back."

Megan frowned, folding her arms across her chest. "No, something is wrong. They're in trouble or could be hurt."

"Meg, it's Von and Jesse. How hurt could they be?" Kourtney tried to laugh, though her voice was laced with pure anxiety; that Megan could be right. "For all we know, Von set this whole thing up. When Jesse gets around him, they share one single brain cell."

That part was true. Megan had to admit. Jesse and Von did often joke around too much; but her gut feeling was saying something different. Something was very wrong...

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Wet. Muddy, wet earth was almost like a plaster on his face. In excruciating agony, Jesse sat up, as if struck in the head by Sammy Sousa's bat. He was engulfed in darkness and had the unsettling sensation of being seated in a dark grotto or pit. He drew back in pain as he extended his arms forward, a sensation that had previously been absent. What the fuck happened? Before everything went dark, his final memory was of sitting at the front of the camper, attempting to get a signal on his phone. Had he passed out after taking too many mushrooms? He has a strong aversion to that kind of hallucinogenic substance, therefore it can't be. He moaned beneath his breath as he ran his hands through his matted hair and felt the dampness on his palm. Was that blood? Jesse was certain that he would appear pitiful if he could see his reflection in a mirror.

His legs gave out from beneath him as he attempted to rise. Redirecting him to his sitting posture, he moaned even louder as a searing agony surged through his spine. With clenched jaw and a mix of anger, terror, and determination, he let out a hiss. He had to escape from this place, or wherever he was. He prayed that his friends were unharmed as well and had to find them.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Hello!"

"Hello! Can anybody hear me!"

"Hel—fuck!" Screamed Von as he slid right back onto the muddy ground.

For however long it seemed, he had been trying to claw his way out the darkened pit he was in; literally. Von had no idea who or what had taken him from the camper, but he had no intention of waiting around to find out if they returned. He didn't want to be featured on the six o'clock news as a criminal tale. He clenched his jaw and pounded the muddy wall with his hand, attempting to get a firm grip so he could climb up. He had spent five minutes trying to balance himself by sinking his booted feet into the ground, hoping to use it as leverage to climb out. However, he always went back down since the soil was more damp. Still, he would persist; in fact, he felt compelled to. All Von wanted to do was get out of this black hole and find out what happened to Jesse, Megan, and Kourtney.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Kourtney clutched onto Megan's arm, now feeling more frightened than ever. They had been walking for what seemed like an hour and still they found no sight, of their friends. Megan trembled as she too, held onto Kourtney.

"They're dead." Kourtney mumbled tearily.

Megan pouted out her bottom lip. "Don't say that."

"They are, they're dead. We haven't been able to find them." Breaking away from Megan's warm body, Kourtney took more strides, into the middle of the dark road. Her voice raised in pitch with heightened fear. "They're dead! And we'll be dead too, if we stay around and keep walking the road to nowh—"

Smack.

Just like that, it appeared out of nowhere! It was a truck—not a car—possibly a bus? Kourtney was knocked off the gravel road and her body was smashed by whatever it was. As the damp slap of Kourtney's blood splashed her cheeks, Megan stood there, shocked. Neither did she open her eyes; in fact, she remained still throughout. Refraining from moving would save her the burden of acknowledging and accepting what had just transpired. “That didn't just happen,” Megan mentally echoed to herself.

Megan felt the cold blood on her cheek as she peeked open one eye and reached out to touch the drops. It really happened. She had seen it all, and now she was crying out in pain at the sight of her friends' blood on her cheeks. Tears welled up in Megan's eyes like a dam about to burst. She bolted, sprinting. Where to go? Whatever it was, she was determined to flee from this nightmare as fast as she could. Because that's all it was, right? A nightmare of the worst kind. —

Megan...

Megan...!

"Megan!" Von shook her rapidly and roughly as he loomed over her in the backseat of the camper. His facial expression twisted in pure, concern.

"Ah! G-get off me! Stop shaking me!" Megan roared, shoving Von off her.

Pissed, Von sneered at her and slammed his back against the seat. "What's your problem? You were screaming and crying in her sleep. I was just trying to wake you up from your nightmare."

"Nightmare?" Came her soft pliant voice. "It was just... a..." Craning her neck up, peering heavily and maneuvering her body to peak into the front seat she saw Jesse and Kourtney.

Jesse flashed her a curious look, as his hand rested on the steering wheel. "You okay, babe?" He asked as then focused his eyes back on the road.

Kourtney snickered and turned a bit, facing Megan. "Yeah, you were screaming in your sleep. Having night terrors again?"

"More like annoyances." Von mumbled, as he palmed his face. "And she kicked me in the process. At the next stop, we're all switching and I'm sitting up front. Someone else can get kicked by her."

With her beautiful face contorted into the most perplexed look, Megan remained silent. It seemed like everything was happening in real time; surely it was! Surely Megan had seen Kourtney being run over; she had also heard the scything and screams; and Jesse and Von had vanished. Seriously, however, wasn't that all real? As she sank back into her seat and rested her hands on her head, she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Just what was going on? Was a manic episode about to strike her? Megan didn't believe in things like Final Destination and premonition. The "nightmare" had been so lifelike—she could smell, see, and hear everything.

Von extended his arm beside her and started to rub her shoulder carefully. As he went in closer to kiss her on the temple, she could make out the worried sighs from his lips. "You gonna be alright?"

As Jesse pulled into the next truck stop, he turned so he was facing both Von and Megan. His attention though, with narrowed eyes heavily on Von. "You are no longer allowed to bring the "scooby snack" man."

Looking up from the comfort he was giving Megan, Von's dark features slithered into a smirk. Megan's own blue eyes darkened, as she squinted heavily. That's what this was? A shroom trip? All that chaos, collided terror... was a hallucination in a dream?

Kourtney had startled the man in the truck beside them, as her high pitched laughter echoed out of the car. Megan, began to wail on Von; smacking him, in his chest as she rambled on about how much her trip had fucked her up. Pretty soon, all of them hurled in breathy laughter; vowing that they would lay off the "snack" until they reached their destination.

(It was all fiction, but a little scare never hurt anybody darlings. Xoxo.)