How Did I End Up Writing So Much - Tumblr Posts
í feel unwanted a lot or at least like im always the place holder friend and never feeling like other people would choose me if they had more options.
i have gotten a couple new friends recently. we see a lot with the other one and get along very well and have similar interests. she has also talked about being lonely and friendless a lot through out her life but one day when i was telling her how i had a friend once that only would see me when others werent free, she said that oh thats kinda like how we are. she said it jokingly and added that yeah there isnt many others and youre the one here so thats why we are friends. it hurt cause it wasnt even the second time this has happened to me. i thought i had made a genuine connection and a friend again but she doesnt see me that way, it makes the joy i have had with her feel bitter.
i didnt have many close friends growing up. i thought i had but later on i have realized this. this one time has stuck with me. this one friend that i thought was a close friend or almost my best friend ever and that i saw a lot after school and for years. at the least this one summer she didnt reach out but one single time that she called for advice on a subject that i knew a lot about and that was it, she didnt ask how i was or if we could meet up just nothing else.
my last relationship if you could call it that, wasnt good. we rarely were officially together, she would get interested in others and leave me alone with no care for my feelings. when they would leave, she would come back to me and pretend like that didnt happen and be all lovely with me and say she wanted to be close with me again and then the whole thing would repeat.
with another not too long ago made friend, i find her easy to talk to and she was been flirty with me sometimes and i do like that but im afraid the same thing will happen again as with my last relationship. we havent known for that long. her last and only relationship was bad and with a man and i think shes trying to find something in me to feel healed from it without necessarily knowing me well or having a romantic connection with me. in my last relationship the girl would leave me for men mostly. i dont know i just have this fear that im only good for as an idea or as an experiment.
my mother has never had many close friends and would use me as kind of a friend. she has felt more like an older roommate to me than a mother. she dumps her interests and struggles on me and then brushes everything i have to say aside. my mother nor my father has ever seemed interested in who i am or what i do. most of the time if im in a group setting and i speak its quickly forgotten what i added into it. others in my family almost every single time brush aside or misunderstand what i said and dont ask for a clarification.
most of the time i feel like people dont listen to what i say even in a casual conversation, people dont respond or they interrupt me without a care for what i was saying. i dont understand how it keeps happening with so many people through out my life. do they notice me as autistic in their own way and place me lower than other people? is it that i dont boast about work or education? or because i dont perfectly conform in other ways? is it my slightly noticeable speech impediment?
i feel like i will always feel like the second option in everything. i have been trying to mask my whole life and i put myself out there and i have nice interactions here and there with strangers and im happy for it. im not going to stop trying to find people like me but sometimes even just sharing something feels pointless.