Autistic Experiences - Tumblr Posts

I keep a lot of plants around my home and personal spaces / money plants / spider plants / succulents / a hebe tree / they are good friends and good company

we all drink from the same cup / when they have had their fill / I find / they have always left enough for me

on bad days they reach out with darkening leaves and promise / "we will both feel better for an open window. / sunshine and breeze"

I think the best of friends are the ones / that don't just care for you / but they remind you to care for yourself / they are good to me and I love them very much

Growing Together \\ cmartine

Sometimes it’s the small, seemingly insignificant things in life that keep us above water when we are struggling; for me it’s my plants. What little things do you rely on to remain stable, and how do they help you?

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Caring for yourself is, for obvious reasons, integral to your well being and survival - but without external motivation to do so I often find this difficult. Sometime it doesn’t feel like enough to want to be better, because wanting to be better means acknowledging how far you have to go. Sometimes I need something to get better for.

When I take care of my plants, I am taking care of myself. I only remember to drink when I’m watering my plants. It never occurs to me how stale and stagnant my room has become until I open a window for my plants and find that I also feel better for the fresh air. Maintaining my health doesn’t feel important until I realize that if I’m ill or if something happens to me, no one would be caring for my plants. 

This is just a small example - this sort of vicarious self-love can be found all around you. Many people find keeping pets has the same effect. Others find that caring for their friends, and wanting to be well for their sake, is enough to keep them going. In the long run, I don’t believe that relying on external motivators to want to stay alive is healthy. But during these times when all you can do is keep trying to survive, and keep trying to want to survive, no reason is too small or too abstract. I am alive and healthier than I might be today because I love my plants. I like to think they love me too.

a portrait of the self in space \\ cmartine

Derealisation is a jarring and frustrating experience that can be extremely difficult to recover from. What are your experiences with feelings of detachment from reality?

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I feel like every person, for some reason or another, will have an experience of derealisation in their lives. Derealisation is defined as ‘a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings’. During this, reality might feel distant, like you are outside of your head and watching yourself or like you are seeing the world through a filter or film-like haze.

For me derealisation has always come with a busy, yet empty feeling. Reality becomes painfully bright and loud and it feels as though I am seeing the world with extreme sharpness- but at the same time all that overwhelming business is hazy, inconsistent and incomprehensible. Nothing feels articulate or tangible. I question whether I and anything around me is actually real, or if I’m dreaming or possibly even dead.

I created this illustration after a very jarring and overwhelming episode of derealisation. I’d been in a social situation that required my attention and conscious participation but I was so scatterbrained and overwhelmed that I struggled to even respond to my name. I was so unaware of my own body that I was clumsy and uncoordinated, and I couldn’t produce a single coherent thought through the haze. All I could do was find a quiet spot and try to draw my experience to help me process it. This illustration, a portrait of the self in space, was the outcome of that. I think it might be my most accurate representation of an overwhelming experience yet.

My requests are open! 🖤 A rewrite of a previous fic on my ao3. Enjoy!

Wednesday was appalled by herself. To have such terrible taste.

...She couldn't pull her eyes away from a stupid, tacky lava lamp. The colors (stupid neon green, such a terrible color) swirled in an amazingly satisfying way, bending and twisting in ways that Wednesday couldn't pull her eyes away from. Usually, certain lights would cause her pain. But she found that this light (a very stupid outdated one for that matter) was calming for her. Muscles that she didn't know we're tense relaxed at watching it. Until she was pulled out of her thoughts

"Wednesday?" Enid hummed.

"Are you looking at the lava lamp?" Her tone was not accusatory, but Wednesday felt that way anyway. She swiftly turned her back to Enid, feeling her eyes wide. "No." She said, beginning to walk away from it. She heard Enid running to catch up, and she slowed down to let her. Enid caught up and giggled, shifting her bag to her right shoulder. With no reason at all, Wednesday moved her bag and held it with her left hand. Just because, of course. There wasn't a real reason to. Enid's hand brushed against Wednesdays. It had taken Wednesday time, but she didn't even flinch at the touch. She had always pulled away from affectionate, ”social” touch. She found it uncomfortable and useless. But Wednesday got used to Enid. Slowly, she began to actually touch Enid. Only little things. A guide by the shoulders. A playful kick in the shin. A tug on newly dyed hair. Wednesday was sure that Enid was the only person who was allowed to touch her back. Her touches were... Gentler, to put it out there honestly. Softer. If Wednesday was being honest, those were the touches she was afraid of the most. She had never really been one for it. Her Mother had even mentioned that as a baby, she would prefer to not be held at all, not even by her mother's careful, pale hands.

Wednesday could recall several times she had been bothered by soft touches. The tags on the back of her clothes. The wisp of fingers on her arm. Someone touching her hair. Each one left a burning, hives like feeling on her. She immediately would feel the urge to jump, and scratch at the offended area. How people could be OK with, or even enjoy those touches always confused Wednesday. Often times, she would wake up to red marks on her in the mornings. She had a habit of scratching herself even in her sleep, even now.

But with Enid, it was different. Enid understood when Wednesday didn't want to do something. Not only hugging or touch, she noticed many things she didn't want to do. Once, Wednesday remembered, she had been invited to a party by Yoko. She instantly froze up, feeling her throat go tight and dry, her mind spinning at the prospect. Kids her own age, huddled in a tight space, probably with alcohol, probably with music. The thought was horrific. She could feel it now. But Enid saved her. She quickly coughed extremely loudly, and said in a tone that deserved a Grammy, probably -- "Sorry, but um. We can't. I'm real sick, and we don't want to get you sick too." Yoko looked to Wednesday to confirm it. Wednesday felt a chill go down her back at having to look at her sunglasses, without any kind of cue in her eyes to see how she might be feeling. But she managed to let out a tiny cough. And that was enough. She had made sure to thoroughly thank Enid for that. And Enid only smiled. She didn't expect anything.

That didn't prevent a jelly donut appearing by her bed, though. Wednesdays way of saying thank you.

It was so much better to communicate with actions rather than words. So, Wednesday said something with her hands. She reached out, and grasped Enid's hand. Enid stopped dead in her tracks, looking down to look at Wednesday. Wednesday didn't feel the pressure of keeping eye contact with her, but she did. Only because her eyes were so beautiful. "We're about to cross" she said, turning to hit the crosswalk button. She gazed forward, acting uncaring in her typical fashion. But in the corner of her eye, Enid grinned. She held her hand firmly. Wednesday bit her cheek, but the corner of her mouth tilted upwards anyway, ready to continue the day.

Wednesday awoke as she usually did, her eyes opening with no sign of her actually being alive, and sat up. As she shifted, she realized she had refrained from scratching herself in her sleep. But then she jumped at a new, fluorescent sight. A lava lamp on her desk. To be exact, the one she had caught herself looking at the other day. Wednesday's lips twitched briefly, her joy unmatched by anything. She had to return the favor. She quickly began to get ready, throwing on her weekend clothes to go out into town. "Wenny?"

"Where are you going?" Enid murmured, beginning to shift in her bed, tiredly lifting her head from her pillow. "The bakery." Wednesday said. She swallowed. But barely hesitated. Why would she, with Enid? "Would you like to join me?" She asked, fingering the strap of her leather bag. Such a nice, smooth leather. It was a pleasing texture. Enid nodded with a hum, getting up with a stretch that cracked her back. "I'll give you 5 minutes" Wednesday said kindly. "15?" Mumbled Enid, who sat on her vanity, looking sleepily at her makeup.

Wednesday compromised with 10. In 9 minutes and 38 seconds later, Enid was ready. Wednesday appreciated the punctuality. Right before they left, Wednesday reached out. Enid looked shocked, but quickly grasped her hand with her bigger one. They walked out. "What are we getting?" Enid asked. We. Together. It made Wednesday flutter her free fingers happily. She felt no need to hold back her happy stimming with Enid, even in public, a habit that had been forced out of her. " jelly donuts" Wednesday saw Enid smile out of the corner of her eye. "I knew that was you" she giggled. Wednesday glanced at Enid briefly, but had no words. She was. Happy.

My mom just described my literal symptoms of autism back to me and I'm like "yeah I'm autistic dip shit my brain literally works differently" she's being a bit of a bitch right now because she and my entire family other than me shouted at grandpa for his brain working differently than theirs and it makes me feel shitty.

Quote from my mom "I know you're smart but sometimes you're really illogical."

"you live in your own little world and then all of a sudden you're back and everyone's like 'Come on already'"

I know this. I've always known this do you want me to hold a sign that says I may have autism and ADHD? I need advice for actual ways to get through this and stuff.

Like I know school where I live is like two months away but I also know that for a little while in school I'll be fine turning my shit in and then all of a sudden something will happen and I'll stop. Reminders don't help, nothing helps and I'm tired of it

My mom just described my literal symptoms of autism back to me and I'm like "yeah I'm autistic dip shit my brain literally works differently" she's being a bit of a bitch right now because she and my entire family other than me shouted at grandpa for his brain working differently than theirs and it makes me feel shitty.

í feel unwanted a lot or at least like im always the place holder friend and never feeling like other people would choose me if they had more options.

i have gotten a couple new friends recently. we see a lot with the other one and get along very well and have similar interests. she has also talked about being lonely and friendless a lot through out her life but one day when i was telling her how i had a friend once that only would see me when others werent free, she said that oh thats kinda like how we are. she said it jokingly and added that yeah there isnt many others and youre the one here so thats why we are friends. it hurt cause it wasnt even the second time this has happened to me. i thought i had made a genuine connection and a friend again but she doesnt see me that way, it makes the joy i have had with her feel bitter.

i didnt have many close friends growing up. i thought i had but later on i have realized this. this one time has stuck with me. this one friend that i thought was a close friend or almost my best friend ever and that i saw a lot after school and for years. at the least this one summer she didnt reach out but one single time that she called for advice on a subject that i knew a lot about and that was it, she didnt ask how i was or if we could meet up just nothing else.

my last relationship if you could call it that, wasnt good. we rarely were officially together, she would get interested in others and leave me alone with no care for my feelings. when they would leave, she would come back to me and pretend like that didnt happen and be all lovely with me and say she wanted to be close with me again and then the whole thing would repeat.

with another not too long ago made friend, i find her easy to talk to and she was been flirty with me sometimes and i do like that but im afraid the same thing will happen again as with my last relationship. we havent known for that long. her last and only relationship was bad and with a man and i think shes trying to find something in me to feel healed from it without necessarily knowing me well or having a romantic connection with me. in my last relationship the girl would leave me for men mostly. i dont know i just have this fear that im only good for as an idea or as an experiment.

my mother has never had many close friends and would use me as kind of a friend. she has felt more like an older roommate to me than a mother. she dumps her interests and struggles on me and then brushes everything i have to say aside. my mother nor my father has ever seemed interested in who i am or what i do. most of the time if im in a group setting and i speak its quickly forgotten what i added into it. others in my family almost every single time brush aside or misunderstand what i said and dont ask for a clarification.

most of the time i feel like people dont listen to what i say even in a casual conversation, people dont respond or they interrupt me without a care for what i was saying. i dont understand how it keeps happening with so many people through out my life. do they notice me as autistic in their own way and place me lower than other people? is it that i dont boast about work or education? or because i dont perfectly conform in other ways? is it my slightly noticeable speech impediment?

i feel like i will always feel like the second option in everything. i have been trying to mask my whole life and i put myself out there and i have nice interactions here and there with strangers and im happy for it. im not going to stop trying to find people like me but sometimes even just sharing something feels pointless.

ATTENTION FELLOW AUTISTICS

INCREDIBLY GOOD TEXTURE ALERT:

Anything with this texture in a satin pillowcase

I need to bite someone. Please? Just wanna nom nom on someone's arm or shoulder or leg to self regulate and to stim.

Just like a cat. Just to show that I trust them and feel comfortable

Oh my fucking lord?

I just got asked about my special interest???

Holy fucking shit??

I am in love.

I miss something that I can't even describe yet.

Maybe the feeling of belonging somewhere, anywhere, I do not think I was ever really a part of something.

Everyone seems further away than even the stars.

When you schedule your entire day around plans but than they change last minute

Obscure autistic experiences that I didn’t realize were autistic experiences

(These aren’t diagnostic criteria for being autistic, just things that autistic people relate to more often than allistic people do)

• Making PowerPoints for fun (peak entertainment when I was 12 years old fr)

• I can’t eat my dinner, it’s too hot outside

• Someone has shown up to my house unexpectedly; I have to ignore them until I mentally adjust to the fact that they’re here

• Stop giving me light, tickly hugs—I need you to crush me

• *in a friend’s house* Ok I have no idea how formal or familiar I am supposed to be so I’m just going to not touch ANYTHING and wait to sit down until I’m invited to do so

• Getting yelled at for “not playing correctly” (??)

• “Who’s your celebrity crush” uhhh idk I only watch this one movie from 20 years ago so I don’t know any current celebrities

• Motion sickness. All the time.

• No one else follows the RulesTM correctly! I hate group projects!

• Having constant stomachaches and headaches from overstimulation, but the doctor says you don’t have a physical problem so obviously you’re faking to get out of school

• How does everyone else just know how to do that?

• Practicing “normal” conversation before going out in public

• Touching all the soft fabrics in the store until you find that one Bad Texture and now it’s burned into your skin and you are going to die

• I made a joke and everybody looked at me strangely and now I can’t figure out what I did wrong but I think they thought I was serious?

• On the opposite side: I said something totally sincere and now everyone is laughing so I guess I join in?

• Wearing the same shirt over and over and over and over

Showering with sensory issues is difficult so here’s a few things that help me

1:2 in one shampoo and conditioner. It limits how long I have to stay in there

2: numbers on the temperature gauge. No need to guess what temperature is comfortable when you can just write it down

3: one of those non slip mats in the tub. Feels secure and if you get one like mine that’s got little bumps on it it’s a different sensory to focus on

4: music, audio books, podcasts. Listen to something and it can take your mind off it

5: don’t be so hard on yourself. Most of the time missing one shower literally doesn’t matter.(unless you’re dirty or yo stink)

6: safe clothes. Loose or tight, comfortable clothes are a definite must after such a difficult task involving so much sensory.

7: a good towel. A towel that’s sensory pleasant is really important. I prefer soft ones and massive ones like beach towels

8: chill out time. Just chill out for a bit after

9: sensory assistance. You could bring a fidget or a chew toy, maybe spray a little perfume or get a diffuser or something. Whatever helps

10: a door lock.

We really need to de stigmatise hygiene struggles. It’s really not easy for some people who are doing everything they can to just get through the task. Everyone talks about issues in work and school with autism but nobody talks about when we’re not trying to contribute in our own time. It’s important to talk about things like this so we can find what helps everyone. If you have any more feel free to add them

sometimes i feel like people forget autism is a disability. and that’s not a bad thing! i’m all for disability acceptance, im proud of my disabilities. but i feel like we forget autism can hurt.

it hurts that i have to put more time and energy into socializing than others.

it hurts when i need to move so bad, usually cause im overwhelmed by either my surroundings or emotions, that i thrash and hurt myself.

it hurts that i cant be in places that are too loud or too bright, which on bad days can be as simple as a small, quiet noise or dim lights.

it hurts that i struggle to tell when im hungry, thirsty, tired, etc. so i can’t properly take care of myself. it doesn’t help my insomnia and i get very nauseas and get UTIs.

i 100% believe in autism acceptance. i don’t want a cure. but i also want us the acknowledge that it can hurt. it doesn’t mean my entire life will hurt, but some parts will. and i want a community where we can see both sides, see the hurt, and celebrate it anyway.

And Did You Know…that that is part of the reason why “appears comfortable in role play and pretend” became a “key criteria” for PDA? (PDA = Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.)

For a long time it was considered an essential part of PDA, but it was changed to “optional” not too long ago. And for good reason. We know now that plenty of autistic people do engage in imaginative play and role play, AND that not all PDAers do.

While role play is very often just for fun, no matter who you are, it can also sometimes be used as a coping mechanism. It can be used to get out of things, or to make it easier to get through something challenging, or even as a way to mask.

It’s not always a cause for concern, but if you find your person (or yourself) spending more time as someone/something else than as themselves (or yourself), it might be a sign that some changes are needed. For example, you may need to lower stress/demands, or you may to ensure there are more places where they feel safe being themselves.

But again, it’s not always a bad thing! If your child does use role play as a way to cope or avoid things, it’s okay to just go with it in the moment. If it helps them get through doing a hard thing, just play along! If they use it to try and “get out of something,” hear that they’re telling you they can’t handle it for some reason. Maybe there’s something in their way that you could help with, or maybe they just need you to back off right now.

This is talked about a lot more in the PDA community than in the wider autistic community, so hopefully this brings awareness to people who haven’t yet come across it. But I do wanna reiterate that it is not all PDAers and not only PDAers who use role play in this way (or at all). So don’t let anyone try to tell you that you or your kid is or isn’t something over this particular trait alone.

(Image description in Alt Text.)

PDA autistic culture is hating the demand that comes with labels so much that you don’t even like identifying as agender because it still feels like…a gender (a concept which society forcefully imposed on you, and you therefore want no part of)

A RANT ABOUT AUTISTIC/ADHD VOX

Fuck it, I’m rambling.

(THIS COMES FROM SOMEONE WITH BOTH ADHD AND AUTISM)

Autistic Vox, ADHD Vox, lots of people love it, but why?

I fucking hate autistic/adhd Vox with all my being. He doesn’t have either in what we get from the show.

“Oh but he’s obsessed with sharks! He loves sharks!” Okay? And?

“He hyper fixates on sharks!” No, he really doesn’t. He looked at the sharks once. ONCE and now people think he has adhd/autism.

From someone who has these, it feels like people don’t understand that autism and adhd isn’t just hyper fixating, it’s a fucking problem. I hate being on the spectrum, it’s hard with the way people look down on you. With adhd Vox, all that portrays him that he has it, is that he hyper fixates. That’s it. He has no other changes besides “taking meds” (I also do, so don’t take this the wrong way).

Overall I just fucking hate it

i cannot stress enough how lucky i got to have the friends that i do

i’m at a party rn and i got really overwhelmed because it was an easter potluck and the dish i was gonna bring got messed up bc our oven broke, then i couldn’t eat a lot at the potluck bc when i get too stressed i can’t try anything new and EVERYTHING was something new, then it was way louder than i anticipated and there were a lot of flashing lights and stuff once the actual Party part started

but then my friend (who lives in the apartment the party’s at) quietly and discreetly offered me her room for as long as i needed it and helped me out with the lights, and my roommate brought me water and some snacks they keep for me in case i can’t find anything i can eat when im stressed and i just

i got really really really lucky and everyone in my class is so kind and i know they don’t even think about these things as being a big deal but it means the literal world to me, i love them all a lot

i’ve gotten more grounded and they’re watching hop so i’m probably gonna join them in a few minutes :]

is it autistic when i don’t scream and put my hands up on roller coasters? I am enjoying myself.

every day, you show more autistic traits @c0b-web