I Can Never Say What I Think And How I Feel Out Loud - Tumblr Posts

vent // i want to blame my ex and my mother for all this trouble w me job hunting and apartment hunting. bc me and my ex made all these (vague) plans to move (back?) in together after i graduate and after her work contract is up and then everything fucking fell apart and its all her fault but its also all my fault. and then also w my mom and how i kept going back and forth deciding whether to move back home bc she was practically guilting me into it and THEN she practically fucking disowns me for being a lesbian RIGHT after i had turned down a nice job offer bc i felt so guilty w the thought of her alone. and i want to blame them but rly all i have to blame is myself bc i let them dictate my life and i also never bothered to make concrete plans and rly figure out what i want. but i mean would it have mattered anyway?? u can make all the plans in the world and in the end everything fucking falls apart anyway. u plan to move in w ur gf, and she fucking leaves after one night of living together. and then u plan to move in again, bc u were too afraid to leave her and she was too afraid to leave u, but at this point uve built up so much resentment over EVERYTHING thats happened that u sabotage the whole entire relationship. u plan to move back home with ur mother, but then she spouts some religious fucking bullshit abt how shes never going to accept ur sexuality and even tho u saw it coming it still hurts bc u held onto a little bit of hope that maybe shell change her mind. u plan u plan u plan and nothing fucking turns out the way u planned it. whats the point. (and when u finally start allowing urself to make plans w somebody else, even if those plans are just all in ur head, that fucking falls apart too). anyway moral of the story is always put urself first.