I Dont Know This One Got Away From Me - Tumblr Posts

Been feeling really weird about the r word lately.

Whenever I hear it recently (which is a lot because I’ve been getting into more dated media), I immediately get sucked into my head about it. The situation is, my parents used to throw the word around ALL the time to describe me and my actions (which had the fucked up side effect of me thinking it just meant dumb well into my teens-) and through all my recent unmasking and non-avoidance healing bs, I’ve been thinking about how they definitely did not mean it in the way I thought they did. They probably meant all the implications behind. So how exactly was I coming across that they were saying that shit so frequently.

So that’s been the source of most of my anxiety lately. That people are just kind of looking at me while I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and happy and shit, going: man they’re too stupid to be a person, and shouldn’t be in school or outside or whatever. And that typically makes me wanna kill myself, which is good now actually, because I don’t wanna do that, so it’s a rather bracing point of anxiety where I stop giving as much of a shit about other people.

Point is seeing people use slurs in general, knowing the context behind them, and fully intending to carry across those harmful implications is just. Really uncomfortable. And keeps making me think about my parents which I don’t wanna do ever so that sucks.