I Love You Umpe Ko - Tumblr Posts

the phone call after i got the news

as much as i want to be happy i wasn't able to control my emotions during those short minutes of call. my mom told me beforehand not to cry so i kept telling myself not to cry. i prolly had some sobs escape from me, tears kept flowing good thing she can't see them, some sniffing were heard but thank God she didn't ask about it. i was not strong enough to face her, to face this battle but at least i tried my best to get into that front. during that short call, she said she's feeling better. much better than last week. we talked about her health and how she is doing. i can't help myself not to worry coz i am not beside her. i kept telling her to take her meds and things i know will help her. we also talked about the fiesta going on today and she said it is different from before. she said 'hindi na masaya kagaya ng dati' and i replied, ' kasi wala ako jan'. She said 'oo nga'. Oh God i was really gonna cry at that moment buti na lang my mom sat beside me. Sniff lang ako ng sniff. Trying hard to held back those tears. Towards the end of our call, she said she'll tell my cousins to go on skype later so she can see us & vice versa. Idk if i'll be excited to let her see how devastated i am right now. But one thing is for sure, i can't wait to see her smile for me later. Hopefully, walang iiyak mamaya. I love you Umpe and i will always do. Please be healthy! I want to see you smiling & hear you laughing or telling stories. Take care, Umpe ko.

Day 39 of this battle: she fell and she got hurt.

so i've been avoiding this for awhile now. yes, i'm still thinking abt it all the time. I mean how can i forget this if all i think and worry about is her condition. unfortunately, i learned today that she slippes in the bathroom and got hurt. She was even telling me about it. But since i am a coward, i can't even ask her about it. All i said was, "Mag-iingat ka kasi". I'm not sure why i can't talk abt it. Idk why i dont even want to know how bad she was hurt. But one thing is for sure & that is i am really worried. Ninang K even told me that she's been offerig Umpe her help but ayaw ng Umpe. She told me that i should be the one doing it for Umpe. All i could do was to jod on the phone. I am so upset that i can't be there right now. I am blaming myself sa lahat ng pagkujulang ko sa Umpe. Ni hindi ko sya magawang alalayan or bantayan. Ni hindi ko mahawakan mga kamay niya, ung face nya. It breaks my heart na wal akong magawa for her. Mas masakit pa nung nakita ko ung pictures nila. Sobra ang pinayat nya. Sobra sobra. Ang sakit na hindi ko sya mayakap sa mga panahong ito. Hanggang phone calls lang kami lagi. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung natutuwa ba sya na at least nakakausap nya ako or galit na ba sya kasi until now di pa ako umuuwi. Ano na ba dapat kong gawin? Nauubusan ako ng chances to be with her. Pinapalampas ko lang ung chances na pwede ko sana i-spend with her. Kung pwede lang ihihinto ko muna angnoras eh... Umpe, pakatatag ka! Palakasin mo loob mo tsaka ung health mo. Antayin mo ako ha. Mahal na mahal kita.

I will definitely miss doing this... Actually, I am already missing you more than you'll ever know, Umpe ko. How i wish I can go back in time and treasure every moment, every seconds, every breath i took when we were together. I miss being with you, Umpe ko. You shouldn't have left me like this. I am hurting so bad. I feel so small, so weak, so tired, so helpless without you. I know no one will ever replace how much you loved me and cared for me. Thank you. Thank you for everything. But, really you don't have to leave me. You should have stayed a little longer so we can talk more. I still have a lot of stories to share with you. I planned a lot of trips with you. But, now, everything seems impossible to even happen. More impossible than what it used to be. Umpe, they kept telling me everything is okay now. And that wherever you are, you will be happy. They kept telling you left peacefully. You will never suffer again. But, is everything really okay? Did you want this? Were you prepared for this? Umpe show yourself to me. Please appear in my dreams tonight. Talk to me and tell me everything you want to say. Assure me that you are happy now. Show yourself to me, please. For now, i will still hold on to whatever i can hold onto so that i won't forget our last moments together. I promise you that i will always cherish everything we did in the past and everything you gave up because of me. I promise that i will always love you. Always and forever. For now, let me be like this until i am ready to accept what had happened yesterday. I promise you it won't take that long cause i want you to be happy up there too. Umpe, mahal na mahal kita. Mamimiss talaga kita. You will always be my savior. My angel. My best lola. The best person i will always cherish. You will always be the most important and best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for everything and sorry for all the pains i caused you. Please always be by my side. Always. I love you and i will miss you always, Umpe ko. Rest in Peace. Wait for awhile and we will be together again. Up there with the angels and everyone else. Till then...

Day50: the dream i've been waiting to happen since i got the news... & it marks the 4th morning knowing you're not here anymore.

At around 9:25am, i woke up from a kinda scary dream but then i realized i finally get to "see" Umpe in it! I was talking daw with my cousins making them scared of the hunted mansion. Then i went to ate jing and she's asking me abt a gift for Isaac. She asked me where to get a bat... Ate jing: kriz alam mo ba kung san nakakabili ng bat? Me: bat? (using a very funny american kuno accent) Ate jing: bat? Me: yeah bat. (still usingthe accent) Daddy Gani: baseball bat! Me: yeah baseball bat (with the accent) Ate jing: baseball bat. Me: meron kami. Hiram sa kapitbahay hanggang ngayon nsa bahay pa din. Ate jing: ayaw ko ng galing sa kapitbahay Umpe: tawagin mo si Krizka. Alam nya kung saan. Umpe: KRIZKAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Me: UMPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ( we were calling each other's name while facing one another) Then i woke up... kinda freaked out. And scared to open my eyes. So here I am now, typing while nakatalukbong ng kumot kc i'm alone sa bahay. But then the phone rang so i have no choice but to stand up and answer it. Hahaha my morning is so interesting! Umpe, thank you. Thank you for appearing in my dream last night. Thank you for calling my name. I appreciate it... I love you. Always and forever.

Day 350: Christmas 2012

A year ago, I know we were on skype. We celebrated Christmas "together". I got to see your face. I got to hear your voice. I got to talk to you. We were both happy even thought we were a thousand miles away from each other. Tonight, I'll be spending Christmas without you for the very first time. I don't know how am I going to celebrate it without you. It feels like I am so incomplete without you. I'd rather be a thousand miles away from you knowing that we will be able to see and talk to each other again instead of you leaving me in this world. Umpe ko, i miss you so much. And on days like this, I tend to miss you more. I don't feel excited anymore. I always try to be happy but I always end up feelig bad. I feel guilty coz I never did anything good to make you happy. It feels like I do not deserve to be happy at all. Umpe ko, this will be my first Christmas without you. Ang sakit isipin na we won't be seeing each other for a long time. Ang sakit isipin na I have to live longer without you by my side. Umpe ko, masaya ba ang Christmas mo dyan? Umpe ko, namimiss ko din ba ako? Umpe ko, ano ba ang dapat kong gawin? Umpe ko, miss na miss na kita. Sana nandito ka pa din. Sana nakikita mo kung ano na ako ngayon. Sana nandito ka pa para makapag thank you pa ako sayo. Sana andito ka pa para makapag sorry din ako sa mga pagkukulang ko. Umpe ko, ang lungkot ng Pasko ko lalo na at di kita kasama. Pwede ba kahit ngayon lang ipaalala mo sa akin yung mga masasaya nating ginagawa tuwing Pasko. Ipaalala mo sa akin ang tunay na meaning ng Pasko. Ipaalala mo sa akin kung gaano mo ako kamahal. Umpe ko, miss na miss na kita. Sana kahit sa panaginip lang eh makasama kita ngayong gabi. Merry Christmas Umpe ko! I love you always and forever...