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Puddle of Love ‖ nine

After ruining his chance of being with you, Jungkook struggles to cope with being all alone.

⤑ word count: 12.7k ⤑ pairing: jungkook x reader ⤑ genre: angst, strangers to lovers, rockstar!au, slow burn ⤑ warnings: mature topics, mentions of terminal illness, self-destructive behavior, depiction of sexual intercourse, drug and alcohol use, online hate; jk kind of spirals so proceed with caution ⤑ rating: 18+ ⤑ playlist ⤑ read on AO3

» Puddle of Love – one |  two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine

Jungkook opened his eyes and found himself blinded by the sun, so he closed them again and took a deep breath, trying to figure out what happened. Where was he? God knew. It didn’t seem like his bed—he always had his blinds closed because he didn’t want the sun to wake him up at the crack of dawn, especially not after a long night. Those have become his staple lately.

Is that what happened last night? Another long night of partying, resulting in him sleeping at someone else’s place? His head hurt like hell, so probably.

It’s been, what?, a week since the accident, and Jungkook’s shoulder still hurt like hell, mostly because he wasn’t resting like he was supposed to. Everyone else was already doing better, but not Jungkook. Kijung was losing his mind over his behavior, but Jungkook knew that guy would never get how he felt.

Where was he, though? Some hotel?

The bed was comfortable, but there were no cushions, sheets, or blankets, which Jungkook found weird. What kind of a place lets people sleep on a single sheet without offering cushions, additional sheets, blankets, or anything like that? It seemed suspicious.

The other option was that there used to be sheets here, but Jungkook somehow managed to lose them, which was even worse. What did Jungkook do with these things, if they were there to begin with? Despite his nasty reputation, he wasn’t into ruining other people’s property.

Jungkook looked around the room, getting himself to open his eyes despite the sunlight. He felt like shit—he reeked of alcohol, he felt sweaty and gross, and his head was spinning. Most of all, he was exhausted. When he went out, he had so much fun and managed to forget all the crap that was going on, but when he woke up the next morning… Man, it wasn’t worth it. His head was pulsating, his stomach felt empty, and everything hurt.

He used again.

Jungkook told you he wouldn’t, but he was a piece of shit after all, right? So what did it matter if he used or not? He lost everything because of one dumb fucking mistake, so another one or two wouldn’t make a difference. Jungkook was slowly but surely losing everything anyway, so to hell with it all. If he is falling, he might as well crash and burn. Jungkook could at least numb all the feelings and go through life like that instead of hating himself every single minute of every single day.

Jungkook planted his feet on the ground next to the bed and stepped into something wet, which turned out to be one of at least a couple of used condoms lying around the room. That was gross, even for him. Did he get so high he didn’t know how to use trash cans anymore?

Jungkook shook his head in disgust, feeling sick to his stomach, and got up slowly, knowing he’d feel dizzy the second he stood up, which he did. When walking towards the bathroom, he spotted something on the sofa with the corner of his eye, so he walked over to the door to see what it was.

What was this place, some type of an apartment suite? It looked like it, nobody had houses that nice. Anyway, Jungkook saw two half-naked girls lying on the sofa. So that’s where the pillows and sheets went. The girls were using both the cushions and the sheets to sleep on. They didn’t even look familiar, but they were there with him, clearly. There was no one else in the room.

He couldn’t even feel bad about it. What would be the point? You no longer wanted to talk to him, see him, be friendly with him, let alone give him the time of day, so did he really have any other options? This way, he could at least pretend he was with you in some way or the other, or that someone cared for him.

Jungkook took a long shower, realizing just how much he fucking hated himself. Well, at least he stuck to one thing he promised and prohibited the women he fucked from sleeping next to him. Everything else, though? He walked all over that.

Once he was all done, Jungkook got dressed despite his clothes smelling like smoke and alcohol, threw the condoms into the trash can, not wanting to subject the staff to that bullshit, and left a huge tip to the person who’d have to clean the room.

He didn’t wake the girls up to say goodbye to them—Jungkook never made such promises and he was sure they weren’t expecting him to do it anyway. He couldn’t even remember them.

Instead, he walked to the reception and paid for the room before going back to his hotel, where he was met by Kijung’s deathly stare five minutes after he walked into the bedroom and got into some clean clothes.

“Are you following me or?” Jungkook asked as he opened the door and saw Kijung’s angry face. How did this dude always know how to pick the worst possible time to come hold one of his lectures? It was almost remarkable, this ability of his. Jungkook just didn’t have the patience to deal with it, not today.

“I told the people at the reception to let me know when you get in,” Kijung said curtly, not seeing anything wrong with the statement, clearly. Jungkook disagreed.

“Okay, so you are,” he scoffed, rubbing the corners of his eyes. When he agreed to all of this, he never thought his manager would act like his babysitter and watch his every fucking move. Was he not allowed to go out and have fun anymore? “What do you want?”

Kijung shot him a death stare if Jungkook ever saw one. The guy couldn’t fucking stand him, and sometimes, Jungkook enjoyed knowing he got on his manager’s nerves. Eye for an eye, and all that. It just seemed fitting. “Where were you?”

“Does it matter, dude?”

“What do you mean, does it matter?” Kijung shook his head in frustration and even raised his tone, which wasn’t like him. “I’m your manager, of course it fucking matters. You guys just got into an accident and you think it’s okay for you to get lost for a day or two without notifying anyone?”

“Did I miss anything important?” Jungkook blinked a couple of times, trying to express just how annoying he found Kijung. “Don’t think so, there’s nothing on my schedule.”

“Yeah, you did, actually,” Kijung linked his arms across his chest. “Your mother couldn’t reach you, so she called. Call her back, idiot.”

Okay, Kijung was right about this, he was an idiot for not picking up when his mother called. When he saw the missed call, he immediately thought there was bad news on the other line and he couldn’t get himself to pick up or call her back. What if she told him something he didn’t want to hear?

“Anything else?” Jungkook said after gulping.

“Yes, we’re about to have a group meeting at the conference room,” Kijung informed him with a smirk. Oh, he loved catching Jungkook unprepared. “We were waiting for you to come back. You have a press conference later, so it’s time to prepare. See you downstairs in five.”

Jungkook barely made it through the conference. Their PR team was there, explaining the best thing to say, and Jungkook just didn’t care about any of it. Why were they rehearsing this shit instead of being honest about what happened? It wasn’t like Puddle of Love caused the accident so they had to cover their own tracks. They did nothing wrong, yet their team thought Puddle of Love members would mess something up if they used their own words when talking about the night of the car crash.

Even though the management informed the press not to ask questions about you, they went in on towards the end of the conference, once they got enough information on the accident. One of them asked a question, Kijung asked them to focus on the accident instead since that was the topic of the conversation, but it was like they couldn’t stay away from it.

Jungkook didn’t understand where this insane desire to know about every single detail of his life came from. Why did people care so much? He was seen with you and ever since then, his and your names were dragged all over the media. It came to a point where he couldn't even turn the TV on without seeing you two together in some form, and Jungkook hated it.

It was clear that neither one of you wanted to comment on it, so why did people have to keep prying?

It just made things worse, which is why, after an excruciating hour and a half of preparations and a half-hour conference, Jungkook sprang up to his room before anyone could ask him anything. He was done for the day. He wanted to go to bed and hoped this would all be over soon. He was also hoping he wouldn’t have to face another person for a day or two, until he felt better.

Of course, the second he stepped into the room, his phone rang.

The word “mother” flashed across his screen and Jungkook knew he couldn’t postpone the talk any longer, no matter how much he was dreading it. His behavior was childish—it was immature of him to even think like that. What did you tell him that time? That he should use all the time he can with his mother?

And here he was, trying to avoid her calls because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to deal with it. Could he never put the other person’s feelings first? He really did suck, Kijung was right about that.

“Hey, mom!” Jungkook put on his happy voice as he closed the door and plopped down on the bed, feeling like his head was about to explode because of the headache he had since the morning. “Is everything alright?”

“Don’t you “hey, mom,” me, young man,” his mother scoffed, the tone of her voice letting Jungkook know exactly how she felt about him trying to avoid her calls. “I’ve been worried sick since the accident! You told me you were going to update me on your condition and then you just disappeared.”

“Mom, please don’t worry about me,” Jungkook sighed, not understanding how someone with terminal cancer was out there worrying about an idiot like himself. He was clearly fine, just acting like a total tool. “Please. I’m fine.”

“I really don’t think you are,” his mother seemed adamant and he knew she wasn’t going to drop it anytime soon. “Maybe physically, yes.”

“Did you call me to practice your psychoanalytical skills or?” Jungkook couldn’t help but sound annoyed. He’d had a long day and really didn’t want to talk about his problem with his mom who had much bigger problems than him. “I don’t remember asking for that.”

“Well, sometimes you don’t ask for the things you need the most, do you?” She giggled happily like she just made a great point. In all honesty, she probably did, but that wasn’t going to change Jungkook’s mind. “Son, I’m worried about you. Is there any chance you can come home for a while?”

“No, mom, there isn’t,” Jungkook decided to be honest with her. “We still have responsibilities here and I can’t just bail out on everyone.”

His mother gulped loudly, which made her cough and that went on for a minute or two, all the while Jungkook listened and frowned. She wasn’t doing well, he knew without her admitting it. “Is there something I can do for you? Do you need anything? Are the staff treating you nicely? If someone’s being mean, just let me know.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’m as good as I can be,” she said, clearly not wanting to give out any more information. “Have you seen her?”

“Who?” Jungkook asked, unsure if he was following. When his mother said your name, he felt a lump form in his throat, so he had to clear it before speaking up again. Otherwise, she’d sense weakness and know what to ask. “No, I haven’t.”

“Why not?”

And here she went again, asking about the things Jungkook was trying to hide, asking about stuff that hurt the most. How did she always know what he was trying to avoid? His mother and Kijung had that in common, even though their intentions were different.

“There’s no point, you know that,” Jungkook cleared his throat again, hoping she’d drop it. “We’re both… Stuck in this crazy cycle of artist life. You know.”

“She didn’t seem stuck in this cycle when she came to visit me,” his mother pointed out, making his mind go back to the time when everything seemed so simple and sweet. You liked Jungkook back then and you had some kind of faith in him. At that time, you believed he could be the type of man you needed. Well, he proved you wrong real fast. “Nor when she risked her reputation going to the hospital to check up on you.”

Jungkook gulped loudly, completely forgetting that the entire world saw you two in the hospital that time he let you down and completely ruined everything. It wasn’t just him who could see the papers or watch it on TV. “Y-you saw that?”

“It was everywhere. Have you not been following the news?”

“I have, I just didn’t think it would get to you,” Jungkook admitted with a sigh. “Anyway, don’t get your hopes up, it’s over.”

“Over?” His mother repeated as if the idea was unbelievable. Sometimes, Jungkook wondered if his mother was in denial. She seemed to think he was this wonderful guy who had a rebel streak when he was in fact a total selfish douchebag who couldn’t do one thing right. Jungkook didn’t want to break her heart and tell her why you didn’t want anything to do with him, it would hurt her too much. “Really? How come? I thought you really cared about her.”

Now, those words hurt him. What did anyone know about Jungkook caring for others? At the end of the day, what was the fucking point? He couldn’t really make anything out of his care for people, clearly, or he wouldn’t be where he was. What did it even matter? He fucked up, he ruined everything with you, and his mother just wouldn’t be able to understand it.

“I don’t care about anyone,” Jungkook blurted the words out angrily.

“Jeon Jungkook,” she said before making a “tsk” sound which made Jungkook feel like he was back in school, getting reprimanded for skipping class. So, he quickly went back to the disgusting habit he picked up during that period and lit a cigarette, hoping it would calm him down. “You can sell that story to your friends, bandmates, even the manager, but not to me. I’m your mother, I know you, whether you like it or not. I’m worried about you because I can see you’re hurt.”

“You haven’t seen me,” Jungkook chuckled. She was right about everything, but she was just guessing, and Jungkook didn’t want to give her any more reasons to worry. The long puff he took eased his nerves, even if for a second.

“Oh, so it wasn’t you who left the party with two women last night?” She asked, shaming Jungkook instantly.

Did he get caught last night? Probably.

He was high, he didn’t care who saw him leaving with the girls. His fans wouldn’t care. In fact, they’d think Jungkook’s so fucking cool for getting so many women. However, in the state he was in yesterday, he completely forgot about the people who knew him that would see his behavior end up on the news, like his mother, or you. He took two or three puffs in a row, feeling anxious—he didn’t want to talk about this.

His mother waited for a second for him to answer, but Jungkook didn’t, so she went on. “Or with a bunch of them the night before that? That wasn’t my son on the news? Thank God.”

“I…” Jungkook started but stopped instantly. He didn’t know what to tell her. Yeah, that was him. He was an embarrassment and a son that would never make her proud or happy, clearly. What else was there to say? He didn’t want to lie to her or give her excuses. His mother deserved so much more than that and the guilt was starting to eat him alive.

“Jungkook, son,” his mother gulped, which made Jungkook’s heart hurt. Why was he worrying her this much when she was in this state? What kind of a piece of shit does that? He took a long puff again, hoping to feel calmer, but nothing seemed to be working, other than making his mind go completely blank. “I’m scared of what you’re going to do when I… When I’m no longer here.”

“Mom, let’s please not have this conversation today,” Jungkook asked, feeling like he was about to start begging her. He couldn’t face this. The day was shit since the very beginning, his head was pulsing and he felt sick to his stomach. Jungkook could not have that conversation today, not today. It was something he was refusing to face. You were the only person he talked to about this, and that was over too, so he fucked himself in that respect too.

“It’s not a conversation, I don’t have any news,” she sighed before continuing, and Jungkook could tell she was sad and worried, which made him feel even more like shit. “I’m just telling you what’s on my mind. I’m scared that you’re not happy and that you’ll be in an even worse state then and that there won’t be anyone around you to help you. That is, if you keep pushing people away. That girl really cares about you, you know? Who would come see your old dying mother if they didn’t? So don’t ruin that.”

“I already did,” Jungkook said, deciding not to touch on all the other points she made because they hurt too much. He wanted to believe she wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon because that made things easier for him. “I told you, she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I know you like her, I do too, but that’s that.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Her question took Jungkook by surprise.

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Did she make this decision because she stopped having feelings for you or because you let her down?” His mother asked a question he didn’t want to answer, once again hitting the nail on the head.

“What do you think?” Jungkook scoffed, stubbing the cigarette. The damn thing wasn’t working at all.

“I think that’s the better option, even if it doesn’t seem like it. There’s hope.”

“Mom… I don’t want to disappoint you, but… She meant it,” Jungkook cleared his throat as he tried to explain what happened without going into too much detail. “I let her down. There’s nothing I can do to make her trust me again.”

“I think changing is a good start,” his mother suggested with a giggle. “Try not going out with so many different women and making a fool out of yourself, I think that would also help tremendously.”

Jungkook scoffed. If only that were that easy. His mom just couldn’t get what happened between the two of you, what kind of a relationship you had, and how he fucked it up.

It took Jungkook such a long time to even get you to consider giving him a chance. It could have worked, Jungkook used to think so, at least. You two could have been great together. All that work for nothing. He managed to fuck it up because of a single joint. One fucking joint and it was all over. How could his mother ever understand that?

“I’m sorry I’m talking about this, I can tell you don’t want to discuss it and while I do want to respect your wishes, I don’t really know how many conversations we’re going to get,” she made a really good point, which made Jungkook’s heart ache so much that he couldn’t even respond. He couldn’t face losing her. What the fuck would he have left? “And I really don’t want to die knowing you’re unhappy. If I knew you’ve found your place in life, it would be much easier to accept… It all.”

“Please, don't say that. Nothing will happen to you. You’re going to make it.”

“Will you, son?”

Jungkook felt terrible. His heart sank to his feet, his stomach hurt, and he felt like breaking down. The woman on the other side of the phone was the only person who loved him in the entire world, who knew him well, and she was going through the worst moments of her life and still, she worried about him more than she did herself. What kind of a fucked up son does shit like this to his dying mother? He really was the lowest of low.

“I will,” Jungkook finally mustered up the courage to speak up. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about getting better so I can take you to the theatre when I’m back. Or even dancing, what do you think?”

“That sounds like a plan, Jungkook. My nurse is here, so I have to go now. Please take care of yourself, eat well, and get enough rest. And try not to embarrass her by being seen with all these women, will you? It will be hard for her to forgive you otherwise, even if you find your way, which I know you will.”

“Okay, mom. Don’t worry about it.”

“I love you, Jungkook, and I miss you.”

Jungkook didn’t get up from bed when his mother hung up. He just didn't have the strength for that. Instead, he lay there and stared at the ceiling. When Jungkook felt hot tears streaming down the sides of his face, he grunted at himself and got up, wiping them away with his sleeves.

No, he couldn’t break down now. That wasn’t an option. He did all of this to himself. His mom was sick and he wasn’t there for her because he was weak. The last time Jungkook saw her, he only went because you went with him and your support meant a lot. Jungkook couldn’t do it on his own, he knew that.

Why was he so alone and pathetic? Because he managed to fuck everything up. He chased you away, and you were the only person who really got him. You, and his mother, but he couldn’t worry her with anything. Man, even his mother was dead sick worrying about him while he was out partying and getting high out of his mind. Jungkook’s head and chest hurt and he felt sick to his stomach, so he ran to the bathroom, just in time to throw up in the toilet and not all over the floor.

Once he was done, Jungkook brushed his teeth and decided to go out. There was no way he was going to stay inside and feel sorry for himself. There were people out there who were starving and dying, and he could have anything he wanted. Jungkook had no right to feel sorry for himself.

Yeah, he fucked it all up. So what? It wasn’t like this thing with you was going to work anyway. You’d get tired of his mess sooner or later, and he’d be in the same place as he was then. Why not go out and make himself feel better? If he stayed inside, these thoughts would end up eating him alive, and he couldn’t handle that, not now.

The next morning, Jungkook woke up in the hotel bedroom, his mind drawing blanks when he tried to remember what happened last night. Where did he go, what did he do? What would he read on social media about himself today? Even worse, what would his mom read? What would you see that would make you more certain about your decision?

Jungkook did remember going out and running into Taehyung at some club, but that was about it. He was pissed off with himself and the entire world, which is why he needed to get high and forget all about it. The girls who worked at the club hooked him up, like always, and one of them wanted to hook him up with some other things, which he didn’t say no to, not last night. Jungkook needed a fucking break.

That’s how he ended up in some seedy room at the back of the club with the girl blowing him while he kicked his head back and enjoyed it. It felt good for a while, to have someone’s mouth on his dick, to feel someone’s touch and breath on him, to imagine she was you. If he closed his eyes and thought of you, it almost felt like it was you, and he wanted to touch and feel you. But, she was being too noisy and her voice wasn’t anything like yours, so it ruined his fantasy.

“Could you keep your voice down?” Jungkook asked, not even feeling bad about his request. This girl didn’t give a fuck about him, so she wouldn’t care about it.

She hummed in agreement and went back to deepthroating, so Jungkook closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch, imagining your face and trying to combine your face and the mouth around his cock hoping it would somehow feel real.

The drugs in his system helped him relax and calm down, not think about bad things, not feel guilty… All Jungkook felt at that point was excitement. His heart was beating loud and he just wanted to touch someone, fuck them hard, feel their hands on him. It was the drugs, though, because he never felt like that.

Or maybe it was the fact that Jungkook was trying to think about you sucking him off, and all of those things were stuff he wanted to do with you. In fact, they were things he could have done with you, if it weren’t for the fucking drugs.

If Jungkook just didn’t say yes to that fucking joint that night, this could have been the two of you, without all the alcohol and drugs and the stuffy room and weird people around. He could have been with you back at the villa, having the time of his life, getting to touch and kiss and possibly fuck you. His cock twitched at the idea of getting to be that close to you. God, he wanted all of it so bad, and he couldn’t have it because of his own fuckups, which was so annoying.

Why was he such a weak man? The girl started playing with his balls, but it stopped feeling good the second he started to remember the night of the accident and that look on your face when you realized he was high. What a fucking tool. He got high that night.

What he should have done was let his band go out and have fun. Jungkook should have gone to see you and spend the night with you instead. Wouldn’t that feel immensely better than the way it turned out?

It was too late, of course. Jungkook had let you down one too many times and you weren’t an idiot. You weren’t the type of girl who’d let men walk all over her if they paid her some attention. No, you knew what you deserved, and you knew Jungkook just couldn’t give it to you.

“Is everything okay, baby?” The girl asked, pulling away from his cock.

Jungkook didn’t get what she meant—was she able to read his mind or was he just that high that he was saying all this shit out loud? Then, he looked down and realized that his cock was completely flaccid.

How fucking embarrassing, he couldn’t even get it up anymore. Served him right for being a jerk.

A couple of minutes later, Jungkook was back at the bar, ordering himself another drink. He couldn’t even have sex to make himself feel better because he kept thinking about you.

After that, he remembered seeing Taehyung, and that was about it.

In fact, he did remember fucking someone in the bathroom. It wasn’t a clear scene, he couldn’t remember all of it from start to finish, but he remember the dark bathroom stall, the girl holding onto the wall with her ass perked up, Jungkook fucking her from behind, loud music filling his ear, his heart beating fast. Jungkook didn’t really remember enjoying it, but did that matter? It was fun at that moment, it beat staying in his room thinking about what a fuckup he was.

So, when Jungkook woke up, he logged onto Reddit and found a subreddit dedicated to him, where people posted anything related to Jungkook, including social media posts and news. Jungkook didn’t visit it that often, but he couldn’t stop lately, not after being seen with you. For some reason, he wanted to see what people had to say about the two of you. It was a form of self-torture, he guessed, a fitting punishment for all his crimes.

Of course, the top new post was one about the two of you and a picture from that night at the hospital from one of the photographers. The second most popular post was one about a statement your company issued, which Jungkook knew nothing about. The original poster asked Redditors if they thought you two were actually together.

“All these incel JK stans really want them to be together as if they can live their creepy fantasies through him, gross”

“Yeah, some of the things these guys write about Dawn is DISTURBING to say the least”

“Not our fault she is pretending to be sweet and innocent, she knows exactly what she’s doing with that look”

“Yeah, not showing her body or acting provocative in any way to avoid comments from creepy ass dudes like yourself”

“Y’all really hate on women for anything these days”

That was true, Jungkook had to agree. Some of these men wrote such nasty things that he felt sick to his stomach reading them. The comments always somehow managed to drag him in, so he kept reading until he found something about him, something that would prove to him what kind of a loser he was.

“Dawn’s management said they worked together on some songs, that’s all there is to it, I don’t know why everyone’s reading into it so much”

“Except she’s never been seen hugging a guy in public ever. I’ve been a fan for years and I’ve been here through all the rumors… I’ve never seen a pic of her hugging a man or being that close to someone. She looked really scared for this dude, so I think there’s something there, sadly. Don’t think he’s right for her in any way, shape, or form. She has the most famous guys lining up to be with her and this is her choice? Sad, but I stan and support her choices.”

“Girl, Jungkook’s pictured with a different woman whenever he goes out 💀 but keep reaching”

“Right!? Dawn chose him MY ASS”

“Why do such nice girls always go for such lowlife creeps? If this dude weren’t famous, no one would give him the time of day”

“Wtf are you on about!? I’d drop my entire life if he asked me to”

“Get help freak”

“Wait lmao you guys really think Dawn would hook up with Jungkook out of all these guys? Yeah right 🤡”

“the fact that people think she’s with Jungkook after going to POL concert with JOOHEON, the hottest man in rock these days… the delusion”

“these stans are really grasping at straws here trying to make it seem like dawn and jungkook are anywhere near the same level”

“I don’t think they’re together because he’s an addict and, based on the way he acts whenever he’s out in public, a total sleaze who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Granted, we’d all probably be tempted in his position, but the guy’s been at it for over a year. I don’t see how any woman would put up with it, honestly, especially not someone who cares about their public image as much as Dawn does. Jungkook is trouble and I follow this sub mostly to see what the fuck he’s up to now because I know he’ll crash and burn.”

“And how would you know about that? You seem a bit too invested, my man, just saying”

“I think there’s something weird going on but she deserves waaaaay better”

“True, the fact that they refused to answer questions about Jungkook and Dawn at the conference was weird, and this statement also seems strange. Why are we just now hearing about them working on their albums together? Seems sus”

“No way in hell someone like Dawn would see anything in Jungkook, other than temporary fun”

“I agree. We’ve all fucked a bad boy or two, but we don’t end up with them for a reason”

“I think it’s the other way around… she’s boring as fuck”

“JK is a fucking drug addict and I don’t know why anyone’s giving him any publicity… He deserves to be canceled and fall off before he ruins the band, and not praised for the shit that he keeps doing”

“Puddle used to be my favorite band but this asshole just keeps fucking shit up for them all”

“Kyubok, we miss you”

They were all right, and Jungkook knew it.

He was a drug addict, he was a guy who didn't care about women and had sex whenever he felt like it. Jungkook was also a guy whose mother was dying. Instead of being there for her, he was getting high every day and just hoping to wish the cancer away, like a total idiot. Pair that with the fact that you decided to cut off all contact with him, and Jungkook really had nothing going for him.

Jungkook ordered room service but threw up the toast as soon as he took the first bite. He couldn’t stand food, his head felt heavy, and it was all a blur. Maybe it was better that way. It beat facing reality.

As if he was looking for a way to hurt himself even more, Jungkook logged onto Reddit again, looking for new posts on his subreddit, dying to hear just how much people hated him. He couldn’t help but wonder how they’d react if they knew how terrible he actually was, if they knew about his mother’s problems and how he was avoiding her, or how he fucked everything up with you.

It hurt but at the same time felt good to see that people were onto him. They knew Jungkook was a terrible person and that he didn’t deserve the fame. The latest top post was about Jungkook leaving that party with those two girls, all of them looking wasted, to say the least.

“I’m sorry, but Jungkook is a total leech. The dude gets the chance of a lifetime and does this with it?? POL must be really embarrassed”

“He could be doing literally anything in the world, like practicing for their performances, chilling, or recovering. Instead, he continues to go out, get drunk and high, and act this way? Man, POL really need to get rid of him”

“LMAO like he ever practices… his voice cracks more than a 15-year-old’s 🙄”

“Jeon can’t-hit-a-note-to-save-his-life Jungkook strikes again 💀”

“I bet Kyubok’s laughing so hard about POL’s downfall without him”

“I thought their downfall started when Kyubok left… Little did I know this asshole would join the band”

“The only reason he’s still a part of POL is that there’s so many dumb bitches like Dawn that blindly support this guy and buy his shitty merch and follow him on socials, so the company things he’s their new golden goose”

“Everything about his dude is mediocre, including his taste in women”

“These girls are also such idiots for doing this, what an embarrassment”

“Imagine thinking you’re cool for fucking Jungkook, who’d literally fuck just about anyone 💀💀💀💀”

“They got their face in the papers, that’s all that matters”

“Brace yourselves for numerous tiktoks about what it’s like to fuck this asshole 💀”

“I’m kind of sick and tired of all of you pretending you wouldn’t fuck him if you got the chance!!”

“Why do I feel this is just a stunt to divert our attention from that Dawn picture?”

“I hate that boring bitch but I have to agree with you. They were just in a car accident and he’s already out partying and hooking up with girls? Please, who’d buy this story!? Nobody’s that wild, not even JK 💀💀💀”

“Omg NO, just NO… Dawn and Jungkook? 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Really? That girl is so irrelevant, I can’t believe you can’t see this is some sort of a promo for her”

“There’s no fucking way JK would be into her… Her stans are deluded 🤡 in thinking she’s in any way better than him or that she has a chance”

“I’m so happy finally someone agrees”

“She’s so desperate for attention! POL ends up in the hospital and she finds a way to make it all about herself !!! someone come get that clown 🤡🤡”

The comments about you hurt Jungkook a lot more than those about himself, mostly because they were completely untrue. These people didn’t know the first thing about you yet felt so free to say such horrible stuff about you. If anything, he was the one who chased you. You didn’t give a flying fuck about Jungkook and he barely managed to convince you to give him a chance. Of course, he blew it.

Did you ever find comments like these? Jungkook hoped not. He couldn’t imagine you reading this shit. Not everyone was as masochistic as him. Other people in the industry didn’t give a shit about what some random people online said about them. Still, it could happen.

Instead of continuing with this torture, Jungkook called Kijung. It was late, but his manager was up—he always was. Something had to be done about this whole situation.

The next couple of days seemed like a complete blur to Jungkook. He just knew that he hadn’t spent more than an hour in his hotel room. Jungkook went out, slept in hotels, on other people’s sofas, fucked random women, drank with total strangers, did drugs in club bathrooms, and spent a shit ton of money. Oh, and of course, he didn’t call his mother to check up on her.

She probably saw him out partying, the pictures were everywhere. The last scandal was especially embarrassing—Jungkook somehow lost his shirt at the club. He was sure the woman he had sex with took it and was going to sell it online to the highest bidder. Still, Jungkook left the club shirtless, and the media had a field day. The thought of his mother seeing these pictures made him sick.

Then, Kijung did another stakeout and waited for Jungkook to return to his room just to inform him they had to attend an award party the next day and that Jungkook had to be sober and look presentable. Now, that day was torture, but he knew he had to stay clean and not take drugs or drink alcohol. He was walking on thin ice and didn’t want to fall in, not just yet.

Since he didn't want to do anything else, Jungkook asked Taehyung to come to his room and work on some music with him. It beat better than being alone, because Jungkook’s thoughts always took him to the same place, a place he didn't want to be at right then.

“Man, no offense, but you look like crap and this place smells,” Taehyung said disgustedly and walked over to open every possible window in the room as soon as he walked in. “Before we work, clean up a bit, will you?”

Seeing no other option, Jungkook did what Taehyung asked of him, appreciating the fact that his older bandmate decided to help him out. A while later, they sat down and Taehyung gave him a worried look. Not him, too.

“I don’t want to be that guy and I know Kijung’s been harassing you lately, but… What’s wrong, man?” He asked, looking sincerely worried about Jungkook, and Jungkook hated that. He didn't want people to worry about him.

Jungkook took a deep breath and shook his head. “Nothing. Everything. I don’t know, man. I just fuck everything up, so I have to deal with it.”

“Then don’t fuck this up,” Taehyung shrugged and said it in a chirpy tone as if it was easy to completely change overnight, learn to face reality, and get your life together. “Don’t even think about drinking or doing drugs tomorrow and you won’t mess anything up.”

“Except at the after-party?” Jungkook looked at Taehyung with a cocked-up eyebrow before bursting into laughter, but Taehyung didn’t find it funny.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t,” he cleared his throat, and Jungkook knew it meant Taehyung was serious. Of course, why wouldn’t everyone except Jungkook enjoy their night? “Everyone will, sure, but if you’re that fucked up, maybe it’s not the best time. You know that drugs drag you from a bad to an even worse place when you’re going through it. Why risk it?”

Jungkook nodded slowly and then sighed, realizing that everyone around him really did think he was a loser who couldn’t control any of his urges. In other words, they knew him well.

“Is it because of Dawn?”

Jungkook’s head snapped in Taehyung’s direction when he heard the question. How did Taeyhung know about this? Jungkook tried so hard not to make people figure it out, even after you were seen together. He’d never be able to really explain it. People would jump to conclusions and think there was something sexual going on and, unfortunately, there really wasn’t.

“What!?” Taehyung chuckled and patted Jungkook’s shoulder. “Do you think I didn’t notice the way you two always had breakfast together and sneaked off to the pavilion whenever you could? The girl didn’t look at you twice when you first met, and couldn’t keep her eyes off of you after. Plus, all the songwriting you two did? The way you danced at the party? It’s obvious.”

“Nothing happened, Tae,” Jungkook wanted to sound as adamant as possible. If rumors spread about you two having sexual contact, your reputation would be ruined, and that was the last thing you deserved. His head was starting to hurt and he hoped he didn’t fuck everything up for you. “I swear.”

“But you wish it did, don’t you?”

When they first met, Jungkook thought Taehyung was the most uninterested person ever. He always seemed to be in a good mood, tried to make everyone feel better, and just went through life believing the best of people. It always seemed like he didn’t understand any drama, and didn’t know what was going on with people. However, as they got to know each other better, Jungkook realized that Taehyung noticed a lot more than he let on, but chose to let people live their lives without interfering. In other words, he played dumb.

“Yeah,” Jungkook admitted with a sigh, finally looking his friend in the eye. There was no point in lying to Taehyung—Jungkook was sure he’d made it pretty obvious he was into you. He ignored everyone except you that summer and didn’t really feel the need to talk to his bandmates, either. They had to notice.

“I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but… She’s way out of your league,” Taehyung grimaced, looking like he was hoping the observation didn’t hurt Jungkook, but Jungkook was already aware of it. “I don’t mean looks or anything like that, you’ve got charm. It’s just that she’s a lot more serious of a person than you are. More mature, let’s say.”

“We’re around the same age,” Jungkook felt the need to stand up for himself, even though he knew Taehyung was right.

“Yeah, but you don’t act like it…” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, knowing he had a point. “I mean, she has her shit together. You, my friend, just don’t. You’ve been acting like a mess lately, and I know you’re the type of person who needs to crash and burn before getting it together, but… I’m scared of that happening. I don’t know just how much you’ll burn before getting it together. I’m sure Dawn’s aware of this.”

“Don’t worry, dude, I know where I stand,” Jungkook said, grabbing hold of the guitar.

He has never spoken about you to anyone, other than Ted, but Jungkook hasn’t seen him in a long time. What was there to say, anyway? Ted would just tell him to get his shit together, to start writing shit down in a diary, to talk to friends and family, to do things that he liked, and Jungkook couldn’t even name a single thing he liked doing that wasn’t terrible for him.

There was no point in seeing Ted anymore, and nobody else would understand what happened between the two of you. So, Taehyung didn’t know the first thing about you, and Jungkook wasn’t about to explain it.

“You know she’s going to be there tomorrow, right?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side and gave Jungkook a big grin.

You would? A spark lit up inside Jungkook—he’d get to see you. But, his mood quickly turned sour when he remembered how you left things off. There was no way he’d even get to talk to you, let alone anything else. And that would fucking hurt. “I, I didn’t know.”

“Well, I think you should be sober tomorrow when we run into her. It will look better,” Taehyung smiled at Jungkook warmly, as if he was trying to encourage his friend to stay sober. “She seems to like you, so I don’t see how else you could ruin this.”

“Oh, trust me, there are ways,” Jungkook scoffed, realizing he’s really been a total tool, but it was too late. Taehyung didn’t know it, but Jungkook did. He had his chance and he blew it.

“We’ll see tomorrow!”

And see, they did.

Jungkook did his best to stay completely sober. Then, the rest of the guys wanted to make a toast. Actually, Kijung did, so Jungkook took a shot too, not wanting people to think he didn’t want to join in because Kijung made the toast. People knew the two couldn’t stand each other, but Jungkook didn’t want to encourage the rumors. However, that’s when he stopped drinking. Taehyung was right—you’d be there too, and he didn’t want you to see him acting like a fool in person. Jungkook knew you hated seeing him wasted, so he didn’t want to put you through that, not again.

He wasn’t in the best of moods because even if you were coming, nothing would happen. You no longer had faith in him, and Jungkook knew that was the most important thing to you. You didn’t want to be with someone who lied to you, and Jungkook did. He told you he wouldn’t use anything, and then smoked weed hours before he was supposed to see you. Only an addict would do that, that was true. But, it was too late now, it was all lost. You had one condition for him and he fucked it all up, so there was no point in getting his hopes up. The most he could hope for was a quick “hello” in passing, nothing more, and even that was more than he actually deserved from you.

So, when he saw you arriving with Jooheon, Jungkook’s heart dropped to his stomach. Were those assholes on Reddit right all along? They’ve been talking about you and Jooheon being a thing for months now, and Jungkook hated the idea. Then, he saw the rest of Red Peaches walking behind you two as you all made your way towards your assigned table and felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions, but your closeness with Jooheon stung.

The reason behind that was that Jooheon was someone you weren’t ashamed to be seen with in public. You even walked into the hall with him, knowing everyone’s eyes would be on you, knowing the media outside would jump on the story and put you two on the cover, sparking even more rumors. Maybe that was your company’s way of trying to get rid of the rumors about you and Jungkook, because everyone knew those rumors could be detrimental to your career, and that’s what hurt him.

Jungkook made such a mockery of himself that people like you couldn’t afford to be associated with him. Their fans would think less of them, their reputation would go down the drain, people would think they have no self-respect, which is what they always said about the girls Jungkook was caught with on a night out. Of course you wouldn’t want to be publicly associated with someone like Jungkook. What would people think of you? But, you could be seen with Jooheon. In fact, Andre seemed ecstatic about the idea.

That’s all that kept running through Jungkook’s mind as he watched you take a seat, Jooheon and Andre on each side of you, making it impossible for Jungkook to come sit down next to you and say hi. Even if one of the guys got up, the other one would definitely overhear any conversation that would happen, and Jungkook knew you wouldn’t like that. What happened between the two of you was private, and Jungkook wouldn’t mention it in front of others.

Then, Jooheon said something funny, and the three of you laughed. You chuckled so heartily that you had to cover your mouth and look away, and Jungkook felt his heart hurt. You used to laugh like that when you two hung out at the pavilion, back when he felt like you were the only two people in the world that mattered. How did Jungkook fuck it up? How did he ruin the whole thing? You really cared for him back then. Or did you? Even if you did, you didn’t anymore, that much was clear.

Jungkook couldn’t help but notice how you didn’t even glance his way. Did you really not care that he was there? Did you not want to even see him, let alone talk to him? Or did you already manage to forget all about him? The thought upset Jungkook a lot more than he thought it would. Why? Was it because he was still stuck on all of it?

“Taehyung, pour me one too,” he said, handing his empty glass to his friend. If he was going to be forced to sit here the entire night and watch you have fun, he’d have to get drunk, at least.

“Erm…” Taehyung looked around, uncertain of whether that was smart since Kijung was right there, and then grimaced at Jungkook. “Are you sure?”

“Dude. I’m sure,” Junkook scoffed, which meant he wasn’t going to have this discussion with Taehyung right then, so the older bandmate gave in and poured Jungkook a glass of wine, which was gone in the next five minutes while Jungkook watched you talk to Red Peaches members and be yourself.

You could never talk to Jungkook that way, in a public place, in front of everyone. Andre would never allow it. The dude hated the sight of Jungkook, let alone seeing him around you. That was his own fault, though, not Jooheon or any of the other guys. They were just nice people who were allowed to be seen around you, who didn’t damage your reputation, or make you get a shit ton of hate online.

Jungkook couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened had he not been high the night of the accident as he drank his second glass of wine and stared at you. A part of him thought this could have been him. If that night played out differently, Jungkook could have been your date for the award show, he could have been in Jooheon’s place, talking and laughing with you, getting all your attention. He could have been the one who got to go home with you, sleep next to you, sleep with you, and the very thought of that made him nervous. He needed a cigarette, bad.

Another part of him told him it was all a lie, so Jungkook asked for another drink, earning a glare from Kijung, but Jungkook didn’t care. Three drinks were nothing in his world, and they all knew it. He’d never get to be by your side publicly, he’d never be that type of guy. He just fucked some random girls the other day and couldn’t remember a single thing about them yet he had the nerve to think he’d ever be good enough for you. Why would you ever humiliate yourself like that for a dude like him? His mother was right about everything, as usual.

The entire night was a shitshow and Jungkook regretted coming, but the worst part of it was realizing you and Red Peaches would be performing together, which meant you and Jooheon would sing to each other and interact on stage and Jungkook felt like he was about to combust.

The feeling got even worse when he watched Jooheon sing, unable to take his eyes off of you. The fact that everyone cheered and loved the song hurt even more because Jungkook knew it would be everywhere. He’d be forced to see gifs or clips of this performance everywhere online and see people root for you and Jooheon.

He drank at least three glasses of wine during the performance and another one right after, to get over it. Jimin gave him a concerned look, Namjoon handed him a bottle of water to show that it was time to stop drinking, and Kijung just kept staring in that way Jungkook hated.

Thankfully, the award show ended two hours later, and it was time to go to the afterparty, which Jungkook wasn’t going to miss. What was the alternative, going back to his hotel room and thinking about you not even looking his way? You were clearly over him. While Jungkook hated the thought, he admired you for being so adamant and for standing your ground. You did tell him you’d never forgive lying, and that’s exactly what happened. He lied and you got over him.

Now, the party was a blur.

As always, one of the most popular celebs at the award show was in charge of throwing the party and inviting practically all attendees, so nobody wanted to miss it. The party was held in a huge mansion and pictures and videos were strictly forbidden. Basically, it was a place where rich and famous people could get as drunk and high as they wanted, and nobody would rat them out. It wasn’t a place you’d attend, surely, but it was exactly the type of place Jungkook enjoyed. It was his second time, and the first one was also a blur.

Because of the type of party it was, Jungkook found it extremely easy to get some high-quality stuff from someone he trusted. He told himself he wouldn’t, but he really needed it badly. The alcohol wasn’t doing that much for Jungkook, except to make him depressed. The more he drank, the more he realized just how much he’s managed to fuck his life up and that’s not something he wanted to deal with.

Half an hour later after getting high, Jungkook felt like he was on top of the world. The alcohol suddenly hit him just right and Jungkook felt like he could drink liters and not get wasted, not have his mood ruined. Nothing mattered. His whole body buzzed, his head was clear but dizzy at the same time like he was walking on clouds, and he was so sensitive to touch. Whenever he’d brush against a person he was walking past, their touch would feel amazing, and Jungkook just wanted to be around people.

It was time to dance and get lost in the music. His bandmates seemed to get the same idea, because Jungkook ran into Taehyung and Jimin on the dancefloor with a bunch of other celebrities, and they seemed a lot more cheerful than at the award show, suspiciously so. Thankfully, Kijung wasn’t there. He never came to these things because he knew there were things he just couldn’t control, like any of his band members. Besides, it was a private party. Nobody would try to sell these stories tomorrow, so everyone got a bit loose.

Things became an even bigger blur once Jungkook got on the dance floor and started dancing with random girls. He liked the attention, he couldn’t lie. The thing is, Jungkook couldn’t even see their faces right or recognize these women, but the fact that they all wanted to dance with him, that each one of them found a way to touch him inappropriately to show him he could get them alone stroked his bruised ego. When one of the women grabbed his cock over his suit pants, Jungkook suddenly thought about you and Jooheon—did you go home together? Were you touching Jooheon the way this woman touched him?

After that thought, Jungkook couldn’t relax anymore, and he didn’t want anyone to touch him.

Instead of hanging around the dancefloor, Jungkook made his way to the bar, where he ran into Jenna, a girl band member who always talked about him in interviews. Whenever he saw her, Jungkook was reminded of just how much he wished you would talk about him the way she did. Jenna always made it clear that Jungkook was her crush, she commented on his appearance, performances, and style, and most of her fans lived for the idea of the two of them getting it on. He was the bad boy of the rock scene at the moment, she was a bad girl who could be sweet when she tried, and people just saw you together.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Jenna joked as she pulled him in for a hug, and Jungkook really didn’t understand why she would do that. He was sweaty, he could feel sweat drip down the sides of his face, and his shirt sticking to his back and stomach, but none of it mattered, not to Jenna, anyway.

“Where else would we see each other?” Jungkook frowned and then waved at the bartender to get his attention.

He didn’t appreciate her straightforwardness because he simply wasn’t interested, and he believed he’d always made it clear. Jungkook knew that if he ever fucked Jenna, she’d talk about it forever, and he didn’t want that, which is why he turned her down whenever she tried anything. The only places they saw each other were award shows and afterparties, so her statement made no sense.

“Anywhere if you give me a call,” she grinned, clearly not getting that he wasn’t interested this time either. “Want a drink?”

“Yeah, but this guy just doesn’t see me,” Jungkook shook his head and tried waving again, but to no avail.

The room was spinning, his heart was racing, and he felt so fucking sad it hurt. If he were alone, he’d probably bang his head against the wall to get rid of the feeling in his chest, but he was at a fucking party, high, drunk, in a room filled with people, but he felt so fucking alone. What was he even doing there?

“Have some of mine,” Jenna offered Jungkook her drink and he took a big gulp before returning it.

“Thanks. What the fuck is this guy doing?”

Jenna placed both hands on the bar and jumped up, using her hands to prop herself up against it and lean forward so she got a better view. SHe was also wearing a very short dress and her leaning over the counter revealed that she was wearing very skimpy underwear. Would you ever wear something as revealing as that? Jungkook’s mind immediately wandered to places it shouldn’t have.

Then, Jenna spoke. “Oh, he’s serving Dawn.”

“He’s what?” Jungkook asked in complete disbelief before doing the same thing as Jenna so he could see for himself.

Lo and behold, you were there, alone, getting shots from the bartender. Jungkook watched you hand him the money, down two shots, and sigh. Then, your gazes met and you looked at him like he was the most disgusting person that ever lived, probably because Jenna had her hands on his chest, and then you turned around and left.

By the time Jungkook made his way through the crowd and reached the other side of the bar, you were gone. He had to find you. He had to know what you were doing here, why you were drinking so much, and why you didn’t even say hi to him, but he didn’t know where to look.

Jungkook grabbed the first familiar person he saw and asked them if they saw you. The guy shook his head and gave Jungkook a look that made him feel crazy. Still, Jungkook didn’t stop, not until he ran into Changkyun, who told him you went upstairs.

“Upstairs?” Jungkook repeated, hoping you weren’t up there with some other guy. What if fucking Jooheon was waiting for you up there? What if you were sleeping with Jooheon? For some reason, the thought hurt Jungkook. He wasn’t angry or anything, he didn't have the right.

But, even if you were, there was nothing he could have done about it. This was all his fault.

Still, Jungkook wanted to hear it from you, so he made his way upstairs, but couldn’t find you anywhere. He opened every unlocked door but didn’t find you inside of any of the rooms. He banged on some that were closed, but the people inside wanted privacy and nobody opened the door. If you were locked in one of the rooms with Jooheon or someone else, he’d never know, and that upset him. He wanted to know, at least. Maybe it would be easier to get over it all if he knew you were already seeing someone else.

Even that idea was ridiculous—you were never seeing him in the first place. You have every right to meet up with any guy you want.

Then, Jungkook remembered that you hate crowded places and that you maybe needed some fresh air, so he tried to check the balconies. The first room was a miss, the second one was locked, the third wasn’t, but there was no one on the balcony. A couple of rooms later, he opened the balcony door and found you staring into the night, leaning against the balustrade in complete silence, alone.

Jungkook took a step towards you after closing the door behind him, but he stopped, unsure of what to say. What if you were waiting for someone else? Maybe you really didn’t want to see him or to talk to him, and he was trying to force you to have a conversation by following you up to the balcony.

The rational part of his brain was fizzling out, and the part that remained wanted to feel you, hug you, touch you, smell that fresh and sweet scent of your skin and hair, hold you close, have your body near him. Jungkook wanted it all so much but knew he just couldn’t have it.

As if you knew it was Jungkook without even looking, you asked a question. “What do you think is your life’s calling?”

You didn’t turn around to face him, you didn’t address him by his name, but somehow, Jungkook knew you knew it was him. Who else would you be having this type of conversation with? Unless… No, you couldn’t have that kind of a relationship with someone else so soon. Or could you? Jungkook wasn't a very special dude. In fact, the only time he felt special was that summer when he went out to the pavilion with you and felt like someone got him.

Since Jungkook didn’t respond, you clarified further, still not turning around to check if it was even him. You just knew. “What do you think you’re here to do? What’s the thing you do that makes you really happy and fulfilled?”

“I…” Jungkook spoke up, but his voice sounded so weak and child-like that he had to stop and take a deep breath. He couldn’t fuck this up, not again, not after everything. “I’m not sure.”

“I think mine is to help people,” you explained, still staring right ahead, not even glancing at him, which made Jungkook feel really small.

Still, he took a couple of steps towards you and stopped once he reached the balustrade himself, placing his palms on it. If he weren’t high and if you two weren’t acting like strangers, it would have felt like your nights back at the pavilion.

You continued, “I try to help everyone whenever I can, even if it means walking all over myself. I feel bad for others, not because I think I’m better or superior, but just because I hate to see people suffering. When I help people, I feel like I’m me. That’s the real me. It’s not a fake personality I put on, not this fake goody-two-shoes persona that doesn’t exist. That’s me.”

Jungkook took a deep breath again, feeling his head spinning and his heart racing. He wanted to reach out and hug you so badly but knew he just couldn’t. “Mine is… Maybe performing. That’s the only time I feel like I’m doing something right, nowadays. But I suck at that, so,” he scoffed, feeling really pathetic about his confession. “Why are you thinking about this?”

“Because of you,” you said, turning to the side to face him, which is when Jungkook realized your eyes were filled with tears. What happened to you?

“I… I don’t get it. Are you okay?”

“I shouldn’t want to help you,” you said with a shrug, turning your attention to the clear skies above once again. “You’ve lied to me, played with my trust, and walked all over your word hours before we were supposed to get together and have a talk about us. You showed me that we don’t mean that much to you. And still, whenever I see you in this state, I have a need to help you get through this because I want to see you happy,” you sighed and stayed silent for a while, fighting tears. All Jungkook could hear was your silent breathing and the loud beating of his heart that filled his ears. “And that’s not normal. If the basis of any type of relationship is the need to help the other person, it’s not a relationship of two equals, not in this case at least. Because this is something you need to want to work on, and you just don’t. Me wanting it doesn’t change a damn thing.”

What was there to say to this? You were absolutely right. The fact that you wanted the best for him always played in Jungkook’s favor. Other than his mother, you were the only person out there who had his best interest in heart, yet he managed to fail you both, and he’d keep doing it for as long as you’d let him.

You learned your lesson, his mother still hasn’t. She’d die and not realize what a user her son was becoming, and the thought hurt Jungkook. He wanted to make his mother proud, he wanted her to feel happy when talking about him, he wanted you to feel the same way, but how could you? He let you down a lot of times, and he’d keep doing it.

“You’re right,” Jungkook said, clearing his throat once he realized it was becoming hard for him to speak as self-pity washed over him. “You shouldn’t want to help me.”

“Why do you do this?”

“Do what?” Jungkook faced you, but you didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him. Instead, you stared right ahead and he marveled at your beauty.

“You really don’t know how you act when you’re… All drugged up, do you?” Your voice quivered as you spoke. “You look like a mess, Jungkook. You groped women and let them do the same in front of so many people whose respect you actually want. Some of your idols were in that room downstairs, but you didn’t even notice. You danced and hit people, spilled their drinks, shoved them without even noticing, but others did. You lose all common sense when you get high and it’s not a good thing.”

Jungkook gulped loudly, taking your word for it. He knew he made a fool out of himself more often than not, his bandmates always told him so. Kijung always told him so, and so did the media, and of course, Reddit. Everyone fucking hated him and thought he was a clown whenever he was high and/or drunk. Hearing this from you hurt even more somehow.

“I… I’m sorry,” he tried to come up with someone good to say, something that would make you realize it was all a mistake and that he wanted nothing more than to just talk to you again, but he couldn’t. Nothing came up. “It’s… I…” Jungkook took a deep breath, exhaled loudly, and said your name once, twice, three times. Why couldn’t he think of the right words? “You’re right about everything and I don’t want to give you excuses. None of them matter anyway.”

That’s when Jungkook noticed the tears streaming down your face. Only two managed to get out before you closed your eyes and sighed, trying to pull yourself together, but it was too late—Jungkook had already noticed them.

“Why are you crying?” Jungkook asked, unsure of whether he was the cause of your sadness. Chances are, he was, but he wanted to be sure if he was going to help you. Did he say something wrong? Jungkook was aware of the things he’d done, painfully so, but he couldn’t figure out what made you cry now. Even two tears were too many to waste for a deadbeat like himself.

“Because I care about you despite all of it,” you admitted with a shrug, and Jungkook could hear the pain in your voice.

This isn’t what love was supposed to be like, even he knew that. What good were all the feelings you two had for each other when his behavior made you this sad and upset? It shouldn’t be that way. Jungkook's never seen you like that, so he reached out and tried to touch your shoulder, comfort you that way, at least, but you moved away and placed both hands in front of your chest as if you were disgusted by the idea of him touching you. It looked like you were getting ready to push him away if he tried to hug you.

What has Jungkook become? There you were, the person Jungkook felt closest to, crying because of him, looking afraid of him, not wanting him to touch you. As if that was your wake-up call, you turned around and were about to walk away from him, probably for good.

“Please, don’t leave,” Jungkook pleaded, and somehow, it worked.

You turned around and faced him again, unable to hide the frown on your face. You were in pain because of him and his stupid childish behavior, and so was his mother. You two were the only people that had any faith in him and this is how he repaid you. All those online commenters were right: Jungkook didn’t deserve a single thing he had. He was selfish, immature, and tried to run away from reality by making everyone’s life a living hell.

Jungkook took a step towards you and suddenly dropped to his knees, wrapping his hands around your thighs, and sobbed into your stomach, feeling like his entire world was about to end. Earlier, Jungkook saw absolute disgust in your eyes and he couldn’t blame you for it, but it hurt. All he felt for you was love and admiration and respect, and you felt repulsed by him, rightfully so. He was a mess, always has been.

Instead of pushing Jungkook away, like he expected you to, you placed one hand on his shoulder and the other on his head, gently petting him. “It’s alright,” you whispered, pulling him in closer. Jungkook felt a tear drop on him, and realizing you were crying again because of him made him hate himself even more. “Cry if you need to. It’s okay.”

Was he crying? It felt so surreal, holding you like that, and not even realizing that he was the one sobbing loudly, holding onto your dress and thighs as if he were holding on to dear life, gripping your body, not wanting to let you walk away from him. You told Jungkook everything he needed to know—you cared about him, but you realized you could never help him. You wanted to, but only because you wanted to help everyone. This was the last time you two would feel close, Jungkook knew it. You were deciding on kicking him out of your life for good, and he didn’t know how to deal with that.

Jungkook wasn’t sure how long you two stayed like that, but once he calmed down, you squatted so you could be on the same level when you looked into his eyes. “Are you alright?”

“No,” Jungkook answered without hesitation. “Are you?”

You shook your head and sighed. “I have to leave now. Please, Jungkook, take care of yourself. Nobody can help you if you don’t help yourself.”

“I know,” he said, grabbing your arms and trying not to hold you too tightly. Jungkook didn’t want to hurt you or seem desperate, but he didn’t want to accept the fact that you were about to walk out. “I care about you. Only you,” he led your hand to his heart and held it there, looking straight into your eyes, feeling like his chest was about to rip open. “When I’m sober, you’re all I think about and I’m sorry I messed it all up. I just want us to be happy, together.”

“Please, get help, Jungkook,” you wriggled your hand out of his and cupped his cheek, patting it lightly. “Remember how you said that you felt like you were floating in the sea? That was your life? You were going where the sea would take you?”

Jungkook nodded, remembering that conversation like it happened yesterday, and not months ago. He was telling you how he had no plans in life and no sense of control either. It was like he was floating and the sea took him wherever it wanted, but the ride was smooth sailing for him.

“Well, the currents are getting to you, and if you don’t start swimming, you’ll drown,” you emphasized the word and frowned as if you were about to burst out crying. Jungkook hated seeing you that way, especially when he knew he was the cause of you feeling that bad. “Don’t let that happen. Take care.”

With that, you got up and left. Jungkook tried to follow you, but it took him a while to even stand up and feel safe on his feet. His legs hurt, his mouth was dry, and his heart ached.

You were right—the current took him all the way to hell, and there was no way out, not for a guy like Jungkook.

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Bunny Do

You and your husband live in a cottage together in the forest.

Welcome to a day in your life.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Fluff, smut, slice of life au, domestic au, DO I EVER WRITE ANY OTHER KIND OF JUNGKOOK? No. I have a problem

Word Count: 5.4k

A/N: Well hey there. Look it’s Aqua, back with ANOTHER Jungkook domestic au. Seriously someone needs to stop me. This is just excessive at this point. Anyways, I freaking love you. Yes you. Hi, I love YOU. Ok bye.

this fic is dedicated to @bulletproofbirdy​ whom I love with my whole entire heart. The war has begun.

IMPORTANT: Please check out this link and do what you can! All lives can’t matter until black lives do. 

https://softyoongiionly.tumblr.com/post/621111679997050880/jakegyllenhaals-here-is-a-carrd-for-blm-here

Warnings: swearing, Jungkook abs, smut (18+ only plz)

Chaos is not something you’ve been apart of for quite some time.

You traded in your busy life of hustling and turned away the bustling city you were born in to retreat into what could only be described as paradise.

Sure, the bugs can be a bit overwhelming and mating season amongst your animal neighbors doesn’t provide the most serene of soundtracks but, it was home.

Home is now a small cottage nestled into the forest at the base of Mount Iridescence.  

The exterior is made of smooth grey stone and the roof, which your husband laid by hand, is made from the finest oak the two of you could find.  

Of course, the exterior is covered in greenery, it wouldn’t be a cottage paradise if it weren’t.

The front of the cottage is adorned with a massive flower garden full of white daisies, pink roses, yellow tulips and tons of baby’s breath.  

Your porch served multiple purposes; housing the ridiculous amount of plants you’ve nursed, providing shelter to the occasional racoon or squirrel and, allowing you and your husband to watch the sun kiss the crest of the mountains every evening.  

The interior of your cottage was intentionally simple. Other than your husband’s many homemade ceramic pieces, the main source of décor was of course, more greenery. White linen, chocolate colored clay and, delicate lace also accented the inside of your home.  

Behind the cottage was essentially a small zoo, complete with a dozen chickens, a handful of geese, a cow named Jezabel, a llama named Su and, two baby bunnies named Floof and Tokki.  

Keep reading

Will You Make a Mess Now?

Jungkook’s never been touched before and, after a hectic end to his semester, he thinks he wants that to change…

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Virgin! Jungkook, established relationship au, college au, smut, fluff.

Word Count: 4.7k

A/N: HELLO YES I MISSED YOU. Guys, I swear i’m working on updating my series (plural) but, I’ve been out of writing for a while and, I needed something to get me back in the groove. What better way than to continue to affirm that my love for Jungkook is unavoidable and, unstoppable. i love youuuuu. This is unedited for now, please forgive any mistakes, I was too excited. 

Warnings: smut, language, 18+ only please.

After 4 grueling months of relentless studying and lectures, you can finally say that your second to last semester of university is finally over.

Finals week is still at the entrance of your subconscious as its literally all you’ve been able to think about for quite some time. You haven’t been able to unwind or see your friends and, if you’re being honest, you don’t remember the last time you actually slept for more than four hours at a time.

The good news is…

All of that is now behind you.

The exams have been taken, the textbooks have been returned or re-sold, the mountain of instant meals have been cleared from your kitchen (for now) and, you are currently on the subway headed to celebrate with the only person in the world that could properly bring you out of your post-exam haze:

Your boyfriend, Jungkook.

Keep reading

— jeon jungkook

— jeon jungkook

— jeon jungkook

— jeon jungkook

— jeon jungkook