My Demisexuality - Tumblr Posts

Omg, story of my life 😂🖤

Being asexual with a high libido

Body: Give me some NOW

Me: What about this one, they’re cute and available

Body:

Personal rant

I really need someone I can write to, when I wanna bitch about my demisexuality. Someone who will understand me. My current friends either (1) don’t understand and don’t take me seriously, or (2) don’t understand me, but pretend that they do. I’m not sure what’s better ... Maybe (2), because then at least I don’t have to look at a smiling overbearing face, telling me that I’m just overly romantic/dramatic, and then listen to some dumb-ass advice like; “You just need to meet someone new” or “Let’s go out, I’ll find you a guy”. 

I never realized how much this actually bothered me, until I realized that there are other people like me. Before I just tried to bury that feeling of feeling different and wierd. But now that it’s out in the open (for me) I can’t stop thinking that i’m never gonna be “normal”, and I can never go back to pretending that I am. Before I could push it down, and spoonfeed myself clichées from Hollywood-movies, but now I just feel frustrated and more misunderstood than ever. Not that I blame people, I don’t understand myself most of the time. 

I like concepts with a clear definition, and although I know that this is not how the world actually works, it’s still frustration realizing that my own sexuality doesn’t have a clear definition. Somehow I didn’t go through this when I was a teenager, like I thought I was supposed to. No, this all started when my real life began, when I was 25, and I got so unhappy trying to live the life, I thought I was supposed to live, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Quit studying, and started looking at myself and my life differently. All of a sudden I woke up. I realized that I was allowed to follow my heart. Question was; what did I actually want? I was used to making my decisions in life based on the outside, not the inside (although I sure thought I was). 

I woke up and started to look at everything completely different. Myself, my surroudings, my childhood, my family, my friends and .. my sexuality. Which I had described as being “shut down” for years. Because I didn’t feel anything towards anyone. I felt sexual desire, but not towards anyone. And I still feel it. I can have a crush on a guy for several months, thinking about him, heart jumping when I see him, but only wanting to talk or maybe kiss him. The sexual desire may come, but I need to know the dude first. Anyway, I could talk long about this. I like writing it down, and somehow this became a tumblr-post instead of a diary-entry (even though it probably should have been). But hey. I’m anonymous here, and maybe my ramblings can help another frustrated soul to understand that; You Are Not Alone.                       --- rant over, big hug if you made it this far, I appreciate it. 

Personal post

Bought a pride flag to show myself that my sexuality actually wasn’t just me trying to pretend that I was special, but that it existed and that a lot of people actually feel this way.

It felt wierd in the beginning, but now it feels wierd not to have it hanging casually behind my couch (not at all in focus, but not hidden either).

The only problem is, now I get all nervous about friends asking about it when they come over, and I don’t want to have to explain myself, because tbh I am still trying to let myself be okay with it, (without feeling like an attention-whore).

But as I look at it hanging, it makes me smile, and it makes my apartment a little more me.

So I’ll leave it. It’s probably good for me to show people who I really am (which I have always been bad at). I took a picture of it, and wanted to share my happiness with people, but was too chicken to put on intagram or something 🙃 baby steps ..

09/01/19

I very actively stops hanging out with people who talks this way to me. I just find it very uncomfortable, but it happened a lot growing up. 

Dating Problem #4

Friend: Why do you always wear baggy clothes? 

Me: They’re comfortable?

Friend: But you have curves. Show them off!

Me: Why would anyone care about my curves?

Friend: Guys like your butt.

Me: Gross… why?

Can you be attracted to someones aura or energy, but not attracted to their body..? But in a non-platonic way... Like I wanna hold their hand and cuddle, learn about them, but not really being interested in looking at their face..? Because I feel like a giant asshole for feeling this way...

Despite the fact that I just started a new relationship, (and it’s scary as fuck!), I actually feel surprisingly good about my sexuality in this frustrating and exciting time. I feel very proud of myself, for only freaking out every other day, instead of every day... 😁