Shame ??? - Tumblr Posts

Personal post

Bought a pride flag to show myself that my sexuality actually wasn’t just me trying to pretend that I was special, but that it existed and that a lot of people actually feel this way.

It felt wierd in the beginning, but now it feels wierd not to have it hanging casually behind my couch (not at all in focus, but not hidden either).

The only problem is, now I get all nervous about friends asking about it when they come over, and I don’t want to have to explain myself, because tbh I am still trying to let myself be okay with it, (without feeling like an attention-whore).

But as I look at it hanging, it makes me smile, and it makes my apartment a little more me.

So I’ll leave it. It’s probably good for me to show people who I really am (which I have always been bad at). I took a picture of it, and wanted to share my happiness with people, but was too chicken to put on intagram or something 🙃 baby steps ..

09/01/19

“Finally, in a low whisper, he said, ‘I think I might be a terrible person.’ For a split second I believed him — I thought he was about to confess a crime, maybe a murder. Then I realized that we all think we might be terrible people. But we only reveal this before asking someone to love us. It is a kind of undressing.”

— Miranda July, The First Bad Man

“after all the terrible things I do how amazing it is to find forgiveness and love not even forgiveness since what is done is done and forgiveness isn’t love and love is love nothing can ever go wrong”

— Frank O’Hara, from “Poem [light clarity avocado salad in the morning]”

“How good it is to love live things, even when what they’ve done is terrible” — Ada Limón, from “The Long Ride”

a woman scorned

rage is scaldingly cold

she treads on my throat and tickles my tear ducts with tear gas 

she chases my heart and recklessly manhandles my muscles  

i wrap her in thick blankets and tie her legs down 

rage is a needy child 

she nestles at my teat and triggers my restlessness 

she thirsts for vengeance and screams like a hungry newborn 

i stick a feeding bottle into her mouth and lock her in her crib 

rage is my prideful dignity 

she looks them in the eyes and laughs at their demise 

she was fed misery and pain and torture and she had enough 

i promise myself to let her scream just once (i break my promise)

~ mom-thoughts-speaketh

I feel like I’m setting myself up to fail tremendously by giving myself a timeline to lose weight. Is it wrong to do so? I bought a dress 2 sizes smaller than I actually am and I wanna wear it so bad when it arrives in 3 months. Is it too much?

TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF REDACTED WITHOUT SEEMING WEIRD IS SO HARD BRO

IM GONAN FUCKING CRYYYYYY ROACH KEEP YOUR FATASS MOUTH SHUT

Forever searching for the sun in the middle of the night and always falling into the streetlight, like a miserable bug. Contemplation before a book, rush of pleasure for a second. There is no time for an afterthougth and I write absentmindedly to kill time… I don't know the time, maybe is 2 am, maybe is already 4. I'm hungry. I should sleep, but the tears might come in. The fly around my ear is driving me crazy. It's the break of the numbness in the blind night. Not very poetic if you ask. I'm always nervous because I'm always ashamed. Shame knows me more than anyone. She drives me crazy just like that damn fly. Sometimes I think I'm capable of killing, then I remember: I'm just a miserable bug.

Queen Ghost (A.O)

How am I supposed to explain to him how I see him as a big sea goddess with her little teeny tiny cold and sophisticated adventurer husband by her side. How am I supposed to explain this to my future boss. Not that I say anything weird but it'll be awkward for both parties. Vos included (somehow)

Overheard words about guilt & shame running life.

I'm ashamed. I feel so guilty. I am so gross. I don't know. I don't know why I am like this...

We are on our challenge of don't text him again, wahoo!

Yeah, no, I feel like shit when I text him and bother him and I even mixed up two days and that was terrible I felt so bad.

But I also feel like shit when I am not checking in with him. I have no idea how he is doing?? He could have been kidnapped or be dying right now and I wouldn't know.

I talked to people form dbt (a type of group therapy) and they knew exactly what I was talking about which was really nice.

But I'm just gonna not text him because that seems less annoying?

(via " Pastel Holographic Watercolor Sticker: Acknowledging Shame, Embracing Self-Worth" Magnet for Sale by Queueka)

(via "Sheepy Rumination - but why?! " Magnet for Sale by Queueka)

(via " Pastel Holographic Watercolor Sticker: Validating Fear, Normalizing Emotion" Bucket Hat for Sale by Queueka)

I messed up some conversations today with very kind people and it makes me feel very sad, I was too self centered and didn't pay attention to their needs. I wanted to stop but couldn't because of the burn out... Sometimes when I feel pain I don't see others, and I am so sorry for that... I wish I could fix relationships i have ruined by not paying attention 😔

The hackers didnt get deleted this week and bumped me from 12th to 20th in the overal rankings. Are we going to see some kind of appolgy medal or jewel gift once these guys get banned?

Believe me, ugh, I noticed. =| 

One of them in Unicornis is even wearing an outfit unlocked at 250. 

Everyone should loudly complain on Twitter.

For reference, the level cap right now is 200. Anyone over this is definitely 100% hacking.

This is not acceptable. These top 5 hackers alone earned 120 million in the past 11 hours. These are rankings for this week on day 1. This problem is not unique to our Union. If anyone has screenshots from the other Union’s rankings, do share. We’ve opened our submit the rest of the day for such. Anyone above level 200 is definitely hacking, so the top 3 or top 10 of your union would be great.

The Heron

I want to weigh nothing and bury myself in a nest of silken sheets and blankets that never crumple or lose their softness. I wish my flesh was made of feathers so I could take off and get away from the mess I am tangled in.

Let me not feel guilt or shame or any of these very human things that are nothing but more weight on my already bulky and grotesque form.

Oh to be a heron; Lanky and graceful in all the most terrible ways. I'd like to wade through water with the patience of a mute and the calm of an empty auditorium. Legs like the kind of grass that ripples in a breeze. Tall, thin, and unkempt. Feet that strike the earth with precision and purpose. A beak sharp as the tools humans use to butcher what could have been my meal. And eyes that bore into souls, yet have none of the sort behind them.

Alas, I am bound to this human form and burdened with thoughts that branch far past what my next meal will be and how I will feed my offspring.

Let me know happiness as simple as the creatures that move around the Earth. Not dependent on others. Carefree and beautiful in my solitude and selfishness.

The heron feels complete even though its existence is truly nothing special in others' eyes. The heron cannot damage things that matter, unlike myself.

If you take this as a personal attack- IT IS.