Open Letters - Tumblr Posts

Dear McSweeney's,

I just wanted you to know that that column you have, "Open Letters to People or Entities Who are Unlikely to Respond" was all my idea. 

I often think about writing to the many entities and objects that exist in my daily life, even if only through the screen of my laptop, and of the necessary hilarity which that would entail. 

The fact that your own column is often hilarious does not diminish the severity of this insult. Rather, it makes me both slightly ashamed that an idea which I obviously had before you and which you obviously somehow stole, perhaps with the aid some kind of Inception-like device, perhaps with the aid of Leonardo DiCaprio, or perhaps even by the aid of Leonardo Dicaprio's character in The Departed, is now flourishing at your hands. 

With that said, though, there are some small changes that I think could be made. Improvements, rather. 

First, I've been pretty disappointed with most of your open letters to food. The funniest, and, if I may say so myself, the most profound of my thoughts and musings have occurred in the form of addresses to food. Yours, on the other hand, leave me a bit underwhelmed. First off, a toddler liking disgusting food isn't that funny, whereas older people having extended love affairs with food are hilarious. Cf: SNL's "Brownie Husband" skit. Part of the problem here is also the choice of food. Smart Puffs? Really?

Also, the particular choice of public figures chosen by the current writer of your column makes me wonder about his/her age. Britney Spears? Hilary Duff? I didn't even read those columns, which is really saying something, because my appetite when it comes to reading long-form content online when I should really be doing something else is nothing short of voracious. Most of these center on the absurdity of the figure, the absurdity of liking the figure, and something or other about celebrity and fame. Well, let me tell you McSweeney's: there are far more hilariously absurd and undeservedly famous people out there. Have you heard of this "Heidi Spencer" person? No? What about the Kardashians? Or Chris Brown? Far more ridiculous, and far more interesting than two singers who are basically famous for being white pretty girls who can kinna sing and kinna act. There are people out there who are far more talented at being untalented and who have made much bigger wrecks of their lives. I'm not even going to MENTION Mr. Tiger Blood's name hurr.

Also, you should tell the librarian that wrote that column about being a librarian five years ago that the reason that "DS.A19" comes before "DS.2" is because in the Library of Congress system, any number after a "." is treated like a decimal. No, listen, I'm not being a douche, I know that it CAN be confusing to think of them as decimals because sometimes they're preceded by letters. But that's still the answer.

I was taught this during training by this ridiculously youth-oriented program. There was this warlock who promised to turn me into a unicorn or some shit if I correctly put "Q435.123" before "QA431.31." Although now that you mention it, i have no idea what to do when I get a "Q100.A144" and "Q100.A1440." If we're still following the decimal system, those two "numbers" should be identical, unless there's a number after that zero, and if there was, then it should be on the label itself! So I sort of understand your pain, guy who writes that librarian column. But mostly just treat them like decimals and it should be pretty self-explanatory.  

But anyway, McSweeney's. We both should probably get back to work. And by your "work" I mean, making "new" content every couple of days which I will then read instead of writing my BA, and by "my" work I mean totally binging on a column of yours...while I should instead be writing my BA. Either way it'll probably lead me to contemplate following David Foster Wallace's footsteps (whether writing a novel or killing myself, it varies by the day (was that off color? oh well whatevs). 

Love, 

Ivy. 

PS. I just realized that your "open letters" is actually open--people can send them in and then if they're funny enough you'll publish them or whatever. I probably won't send this in. It probably isn't funny enough. Now where the fuck's my copy of Infinite Jest. 

Dear you,

I thought I wouldn’t write this but here goes. I didn’t want to admit it and so I didn’t write about this in my last letter to you. But I have to admit it. I really do miss you a lot. It’s just that I have been talking about you in my dreams. I never see you but I mention your name repeatedly to the 3 people I talk to all the time. I missed you. I think in one of my dreams, I think, I, I kissed you. Just a kiss on your lips. I thought you should know.

Love you always, me

~ I miss you (letter 3)

Dear you, You were the only one who understood my silence, my screams, my insanity, my entity. Why did you have to leave too? Love you always, me ~ I miss you (letter 4)

Dear you, I wrote this for you. Love you always, me ~ I miss you (letter 5)