Pisaengkawi - Tumblr Posts

Be My Favorite is digging into concepts of masculinity to a degree I haven't seen in Thai BL before. Since episode 2 we've been seeing the contrast between the kind of man Kawi is and the kind he thinks he should be, and 3 and 4 have drawn a big highlighted circle around what, for simplicity, I'm going to call bro culture: the whole complex of male social behavior that includes competition, ritual humiliation, stark othering of women (both "chivalrous" and not), and a rugged, deflective response to pain.

I'm saying bro culture rather than toxic masculinity because only some elements of it are toxic, although they're so intermingled that it's hard to sift the toxic from the non. You have to work to create a bro culture without misogyny and homophobia - although a lot of BLs (Bad Buddy, for example) do exactly this. Be My Favorite isn't interested in doing that though: it is presenting bro culture unsanitized, and looking at how our two leads interact with it.

On the one hand we have Kawi, who has very clearly always failed to meet bro culture standards, and who still sees success in that sphere as something to aim for. And it's not that the bros reject him outright. Someone like Kawi is great to have around, because for everyone else it means never being at the bottom of the pack. It's not that Not and his group dislike Kawi or want to hurt him. If you asked them, they'd say in all sincerity that they're just trying to help him out. What they're actually doing is using him to affirm their own superior bro-ness: whether they're helping him or mocking him, he lets them feel that they're succeeding where he fails.

Pisaeng sees this much more clearly than Kawi does, hence his facepalm when Kawi tells the other guys he's a virgin. Pisaeng could succeed in bro culture: he could be top dog in that group if he wanted to. It's because he could succeed that he's able to see so clearly that he doesn't want to. When a prize looks hopelessly out of your reach, it's hard to see that it might be worthless.

Pisaeng is frustrated because he's seeing Kawi try so hard to achieve something Pisaeng has already rejected. Kawi is confused because he sees how easily Pisaeng succeeds by bro standards, and yet he's still lonely and discontent. He's always been attracted to Pisaeng (just look at how Pisaeng's introduction, in Kawi's pov, is framed) but he has chosen to interpret that through the bro lens of admiration and envy.

I think we're going to have to see Kawi make a conscious rejection of bro culture. Whether that comes about through his deepening friendships with Max and Pear, or through realizing his feelings for Pisaeng, at some point he's going to have to decide that that prize is not worth winning. I hope we see this, because it's rare for BLs to deal so directly with conflicting views of masculinity, and what being gay or bi means for a young man's sense of self.

BE MY FAVORITE - Novel vs. Series

Chapter 1 | Episodes 1 & 2

SPOILERS - SO. MANY. SPOILERS.

It's widely known by now that the Be My Favorite series is not a faithful adaptation of Jittirain's "You Are My Favorite" but instead an “inspired by” situation. So, I decided to read the novel, and I’m having a delightful time playing spot-the-difference because it’s clear already from one chapter and two episodes that our intrepid director Waa has made some major changes for the series.

Let's dive in!

KAWI'S FATHER

To start off, Kawi has one living parent in the series: his father. He explains to the audience that his father died a year after his graduation from university, and when he goes to the past, the first decision he makes is to go see, hug, and tell his father he loves him.

It's one of the strongest moments of the first episode for me, and it's made clear that Kawi's father was one of the only stabilizing influences on his life. As he says when he's thirty, his life went into an irreversible tailspin after his father died.

Meanwhile, in the novel, both of Kawi’s parents are dead and he was raised by his uncle. (Also, his father was half Italian. Just, y'know. As a bonus.)

So right off the bat, that's a major character and parental influence removed from the series narrative.

INVITED GUEST | WEDDING CRASHER

About ten minutes into the first episode, Kawi sulks over his invitation to Pear and Pisaeng's wedding. (Which then launches the whole "Pisaeng is death"/Gawin Glamor Shot sequence.)

But in the novel, Kawi wasn’t invited to their wedding. The first thing we see him doing is shopping for flowers to give the bride anonymously. And he also, like? Isn’t in contact with her? At all? She’s also his crush from high school, not university, and the translation I'm reading seems to be implying that he hasn’t seen her in over a decade. He has to ask “connections of distant friends” to get his information about the wedding.

This creates a major distance that makes him look wildly creepy to me. Like, you weren't invited, but you're still going to buy her flowers, crash the wedding, and give them to her anonymously? To what end? Right away, his motivation just feels sort of self-serving and pointless. (At least if he put his name on it he'd be creepy but manipulative, something active and dynamic rather than passive.)

THE CRYSTAL BALL

Now for our time-travel McGuffin! This is the by far the most significant difference as far as the plot goes, I think.

The series begins by introducing a secret buddy gift exchange during which Kawi picks the name of his crush, Pear. The story establishes Kawi as broke, and he's insecure about the cost of the gift he can get Pear, so he picks a crystal ball music box from the discount bin.

This sets up a lot of things very neatly: Kawi's financial situation, his struggle with making friends, and his crush on Pear.

In the novel, the first flower shop he tries is closed, so he goes to a rickety, creepy one next door. The mysterious old man inside says he hasn’t had a customer in years, so he gives the crystal ball to Kawi as a “gift”.

(It’s also not a glass sphere with a dandelion inside, but a kind of snow globe with a bride and groom instead.)

Kawi seems to be as unreliable a narrator in the novel as he is in the series. Kawi claims in the narrative to have seen Pisaeng with another woman the day before the wedding to Pear, but I assume it’s one of those “what Kawi saw wasn’t what was actually happening” things.

TIME TRAVEL

The “going to the past” mechanic is completely different, too.

In episode one of the series, Kawi runs into someone, drops the ball (ha), and ends up missing the gift exchange. Twelve years later, he gets the crystal ball fixed by a mysterious old man who strikes up a conversation on a park bench and asks him for directions to the bus terminal. (My guess for this is that our mysterious character used Kawi's written directions in whatever spell or what-have-you that he put into the crystal ball, so it'll give Kawi who what he most desires.)

Later, when Kawi turns the base of the fixed crystal ball, he's transported into the past, but he believes it's a dream. So we see our introverted, downtrodden, sulky mess of a trash raccoon that we've gotten to know for the first half of the episode let loose and act on his wildest, weirdest impulses, ostensibly in pursuit of Pear.

Then, in episode two, Kawi realizes this isn't a dream he's in. We also find out that Kawi has full agency over his ability to travel through time. By turning the base of the crystal ball, he goes back and forth twice in the span of a few minutes, and this both 1) shows the audience some initial rules of the McGuffin (he can use it to go back and forth at will) and 2) demonstrates for Kawi that he can travel through time. He'll soon discover that his choices in the past will affect and change the present, and what he did when he thought everything was a dream has had major influences on the present.

Meanwhile, in the novel, after Kawi returns to his apartment from the wedding where he didn’t bother talking to anyone, Kawi just goes to sleep, and as he's falling asleep, he hears music from the crystal ball. When he wakes up, he's in the past, and he figures it out pretty quickly. He chats with Pear and Pisaeng in class, and at the end of the day, he goes to sleep and wakes up back in the changed present.

He has no control the way he does in the series; he just gets a day in the past. So he's a more active protagonist in the series by virtue of this major change to the premise.

PISAENG THE MENACE

By episode two of the series, it's very, very clear that Pisaeng has been carrying a torch for the quiet kid in class.

My guess for how this may play out in future episodes is that: we could find out that Pisaeng in the original timeline was willing to marry Pear because it's an arranged marriage situation between their families and neither one of them was romantically committed to it. Pisaeng had a crush on Kawi back in university, but because Kawi never talked to anyone and needed to work while everyone else was socializing, Pisaeng never got to know him in any real way, so it was just a superficial crush based on looks (which would tie in nicely with Kawi's fixation on how hot Pisaeng is and his own insecurities about how he feels he doesn't measure up). Now that Pisaeng's seen and talked to Kawi more, the plot may basically become "you're soulmates no matter what you do lolol now let this woman be in peace with her wife".

In the novel, though, Pisaeng isn’t just flirtatious and obviously pining, he’s teeth-on-the-jugular obvious from the word "go".

AND THEN THERE'S THIS

In chapter one of the novel, Kawi goes back in time, chats with Pear, gets egregiously hit on by Pisaeng, wakes up back in the future the next morning to Pisaeng knocking on his door, and finds out that oops, Pear is dead.

Meanwhile, in the series, Kawi goes back and forth about three times by episode two, and by the end, Pisaeng shows up drunk and does this:

(Director Waa is my hero.)

I've only read chapter one so far, and episode two just aired, so it's entirely possible that one of the future episodes might do the "oops we killed someone" thing, but for now, Pear is safe from both of these idiots. <3

IN CONCLUSION

None of this exists in the premise or first chapter of the Jittirain's novel:

Kawi's father, the secret buddy gift exchange, the signature thing that was probably a SOTUS callback because Krist, the dandelion crystal ball, the whole "it's a dream!" character study bit, Pisaeng's mating three-pointer, the club, the gang boss, the iconic running and holding hands, DJ Pisaeng, etc.

The stuff that's the same:

Pisaeng and Pear getting married, the AI, Kawi being an introverted and underpaid subber, time travel, and…I think that's all the major stuff.

So it seems to me like they mean it when they say "inspired by" rather than "adapted from" Jittirain's novel. I think they just took the premise and maybe borrowed a few major events from the novel, but they definitely haven't shied away from making it their own so far!

I'll keep reading the novel and I'll add a new note to this if I see anything else majorly different in future episodes/chapters!

I just keep thinking about how much force Piseang uses both times he's expressed any of his desire for Kawi whether on purpose or on accident. He's been drunk and both times he's forced Kawi's hands, he's pulled his arms, he's wrestled with him and nearly or actually overpowered him.

Kawi is genuinely scared in the future instance and might also be genuinely scared the second time as well. Piseang is taller than him, stronger than him, richer than him... he is a real threat to Kawi on a physical level, on an emotional level and on a societal level.

Piseang not just challenges everything Kawi knows and assumes about himself but also frightens him in a way he's never experienced before.

He is thirty years old and a virgin, likely never kissed, who has spent twelve years pining after the girl he fell in love with in his first week at university. A deadend job, lost friends, loneliness that nothing touched, a heart filled with someone who honestly barely knew him...

And now Kawi has not only be given a second chance at all of that, he's doing that second chance while someone has, twice now, grabbed him, pinned his hands, and either kissed him or tried to kiss him.

(All of this while Kawi is slowly realizing that all the assumptions he made about his position and role in life aren't true and that all the issues he blamed on people around him and his own failure aren't their fault and aren't just a failure.)

But something has to change. Piseang can't keep scaring Kawi. Yes, he stopped this time. And I am grateful for it. That was very well done, especially his choice to find somewhere else to sleep and to finally be clear with Pear on something they both understood but still needed to be said.

Kawi needs to realize that chasing the dream he had of fitting perfectly into some imagined box isn't a dream or even a fantasy but a desperate coping mechanism. He still doesn't know Knot and the other seniors set him up, spied on him, and recorded him with Pear. He has no idea.

I want to love this show but I still have so many fears.

Be My Favorite ep 3 thoughts

So,  I wrote up a whole thing in a chat message, and then decided to post it here because apparently I have thoughts on this show (which, well, I already knew)

I liked so, so many things about yesterday’s BMF, but most especially that Kawi is starting to show moments of awareness of the others around him. He’s been so focused on himself, what he wants, in the first two eps, that he has appeared almost completely oblivious to those around him, even Pear, beyond what he wants from them. He’s also been, in many ways, oblivious to his own reactions to the things around him, or if he is/becomes aware of them, he brushes them off if they don’t match what he expects.

While I can understand and empathize with his disappointment that Pear calls a friend (or… more than 1?) to their dinner, you can see that it does become more than just disappointment. He does recognize that friendship is likely going to be all that he gets, and he doesn’t push it by taking Pear up on her polite offer of a ride home. Is he disappointed? Yes. But, when he and Pear end up having lunch together, again he doesn’t really push for anything more, which sets him up neatly as a contrast to incel-in-training Not.

And while he was visibly unhappy about Not showing up wanting to talk to Pisaeng, and he may have misinterpreted what Pisaeng would have prefered, I don’t disagree with him removing himself from a third-wheel situation. He may not know their full history, but he does know that there is something there that isn’t for him, and as a fellow introvert, I would likely also remove myself from their interaction, though probably not as pissy as Kawi does it. And later, when Pear tells him about how Pisaeng is lonely, and that there had been some sort of fight between Pisaeng and Not and maybe the others as well, even though she doesn’t know (or at least, share) the details, Kawi does see an opportunity to maybe help. Is it selfish, because getting Pisaeng his friends back would make Kawi’s life easier by allowing himself more space after the kiss? Sure. But, Kawi also knows loneliness. And even as he is trying to reduce his own loneliness, he does take the opportunity to try to do the same for Pisaeng. He just completely lacked the context for WHY they were no longer friends, and so this effort backfired spectacularly. 

One of the things that really jumped out at me in their confrontation at the end was how quickly Kawi responded with “and unsafe” when Pisaeng asked him if he made Kawi uncomfortable. I feel like that was probably the most absolutely honest moment on Kawi’s part, and also the most likely response to be misinterpreted. It’s been all of what, a day? for Kawi since Pisaeng out of nowhere kissed him. We don’t know anything really about Kawi’s history before uni, or what has happened between uni and the wedding, but from what we’ve seen… he’s likely never even thought about being gay, or bi, or anything. He’s been so focused on Pear, for better or worse for like a decade, and his complete lack of social skills and social life probably means that if anyone else was ever possibly interested in him……. he didn’t notice? Or never interacted with the person in any way where it might eventually become obvious, just like we see that Pisaeng already saw him and liked him before they ever really interacted, but it is clear that Kawi had less than no idea before the kiss. So, Kawi has just been kissed, and he reacts badly and runs away, and then decides that that is too much for him to think about and he needs to withdraw himself from Pisaeng’s presence instead of (but also, accidentally, giving himself time to) dealing with it in the immediate (to him) aftermath. And he sees a chance to do that with Pisaeng and Not. If he can help patch things up with the two of them, *he* can get the space he desperately needs. Misguided, yes. Selfish, yes. Necessary, yes.

Misinterpreted?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  Pisaeng takes it the way anyone not in Kawi’s brain would take it - Pisaeng is a queer man who has spent the last few days deliberately inserting himself in Kawi’s life because he sees their interactions through his own, infatuated, rose-colored glasses when Kawi starts responding to him.  He has interpreted all of their interactions up to the moment at the lunch table as some form of flirting, not realizing until Kawi flat out tells him that Pisaeng’s “messing with you” isn’t funny, isn’t nice, is hurtful.  That I think is really the moment he starts to second guess himself, but even then, especially at the moment Kawi invites him for drinks, he doesn’t let himself see it as anything more than awkward flirting.  Kawi has gone from this quiet, loner person Pisaeng liked from afar to someone who has inserted himself into Pisaeng’s life, how else is he supposed to interpret it?  But… then Kawi says that he feels unsafe around Pisaeng.  And, well…  it’s not like there are a lot of positive outcomes for the gay community when the straights feel “unsafe” around them.  Maybe that isn’t what goes through Pisaeng’s mind, but that is DEFINITELY something that hit me hard.  Pisaeng doesn’t know that Kawi doesn’t really mean that he feels physically unsafe around him (and, well, maybe Kawi doesn’t quite realize this either?  Who knows), and is really more referring to emotional and mental safety.

And we do see Kawi… maybe not backtrack, exactly, but he doesn’t understand at all why Pisaeng reacted to his response the way he did.  This is what made me interpret the “and unsafe” as NOT meaning that Kawi felt physically unsafe around Pisaeng, but instead being more of the “he just doesn’t know how to deal with all the emotions and thoughts and reactions he had to kiss and it’s all so far outside his wheelhouse that he doesn’t even know where to BEGIN to process it so the best thing he can do is just… distance himself mentally AND physically from Pisaeng”.  He doesn’t understand what a supposedly completely heterosexual man telling a gay man that he feels unsafe around him could lead to in other circumstances.  I don’t see any of Kawi’s reactions in this episode (yes, even the pushing Pisaeng away hard enough that he hits his head) as homophobic or unreasonable.  He was just kissed against his will by a drunk man he has only ever interacted with over the course of… two days?  The drunk man isn’t really responding to him, and he’s so overwhelmed by it all and the time travel and everything that, like…  he just needs to get away.  

These two communicate in very different ways, and there have been a lot of assumptions on both sides, and a large lack of awareness on Kawi’s part.  But he is starting to realize that the others around him, Pear, Pisaeng, Max, Not, his father, are not NPCs in a video game that just do what he wants them to because he has a goal in mind.  He has spent so much time not realizing that he does, in fact, have an effect on the world and the people around him, that of course he isn’t going to be great at it when he finally starts to look away from himself.  He’s socially awkward, very aware of his standing among his peers, and overwhelmed.  He’s not a perfect, completely empathetic lead.  He’s an asshole, in a lot of ways, but an asshole who has potential to be better, if he can start paying more attention to the impact he has on the world and the people around him.  We see flashes of it, already, in ep 3, that we did not see in eps 1 and 2.    

I really like this show, a lot.  

Episode 2 of Be My Favorite not only lays out the time travel mechanic, but brings Kawi's character into sharper view. Fundamentally I think what we're seeing is someone who desperately wants to be taken care of. He wants someone to pet him and spoil him and lovingly buffet him out of his moodiness: the problem is he's A Guy, and guys aren't supposed to want that. He knows he's supposed to want a girlfriend and he DOES want to be loved, so he fixates on Pearmai because she's kind to him. He obsesses about his gift to her because he's supposed to be a provider. Every interaction he has with or about Pearmai is about the role he's supposed to be filling, and his gnawing awareness that he can't measure up to it. (He doesn't want to, but "can't" is easier to accept.)

Meanwhile here's Pisaeng, tall and handsome and extremely ready to take care of Kawi if Kawi will just pull the blanket off his head and let him. And Kawi's responding to it. For a guy with an inferiority complex about money, he's awfully quick to start demanding Pisaeng spoil him. If the competition for Pearmai's affection were at all real in his heart, buying her a gift with Pisaeng's money would be the last thing he'd do. Instead, already, the pretext of trying to win Pearmai is a means to let himself get closer to Pisaeng and let Pisaeng look after him.

I hope the show continues to lean on this dynamic because it's delicious to me.

Be My Favorite is digging into concepts of masculinity to a degree I haven't seen in Thai BL before. Since episode 2 we've been seeing the contrast between the kind of man Kawi is and the kind he thinks he should be, and 3 and 4 have drawn a big highlighted circle around what, for simplicity, I'm going to call bro culture: the whole complex of male social behavior that includes competition, ritual humiliation, stark othering of women (both "chivalrous" and not), and a rugged, deflective response to pain.

I'm saying bro culture rather than toxic masculinity because only some elements of it are toxic, although they're so intermingled that it's hard to sift the toxic from the non. You have to work to create a bro culture without misogyny and homophobia - although a lot of BLs (Bad Buddy, for example) do exactly this. Be My Favorite isn't interested in doing that though: it is presenting bro culture unsanitized, and looking at how our two leads interact with it.

On the one hand we have Kawi, who has very clearly always failed to meet bro culture standards, and who still sees success in that sphere as something to aim for. And it's not that the bros reject him outright. Someone like Kawi is great to have around, because for everyone else it means never being at the bottom of the pack. It's not that Not and his group dislike Kawi or want to hurt him. If you asked them, they'd say in all sincerity that they're just trying to help him out. What they're actually doing is using him to affirm their own superior bro-ness: whether they're helping him or mocking him, he lets them feel that they're succeeding where he fails.

Pisaeng sees this much more clearly than Kawi does, hence his facepalm when Kawi tells the other guys he's a virgin. Pisaeng could succeed in bro culture: he could be top dog in that group if he wanted to. It's because he could succeed that he's able to see so clearly that he doesn't want to. When a prize looks hopelessly out of your reach, it's hard to see that it might be worthless.

Pisaeng is frustrated because he's seeing Kawi try so hard to achieve something Pisaeng has already rejected. Kawi is confused because he sees how easily Pisaeng succeeds by bro standards, and yet he's still lonely and discontent. He's always been attracted to Pisaeng (just look at how Pisaeng's introduction, in Kawi's pov, is framed) but he has chosen to interpret that through the bro lens of admiration and envy.

I think we're going to have to see Kawi make a conscious rejection of bro culture. Whether that comes about through his deepening friendships with Max and Pear, or through realizing his feelings for Pisaeng, at some point he's going to have to decide that that prize is not worth winning. I hope we see this, because it's rare for BLs to deal so directly with conflicting views of masculinity, and what being gay or bi means for a young man's sense of self.

The nature of the first idealized love and a more solid honest love.

Kawi is a teenager. He's 30, but he never got past his teen years. The thing about first love is that people try to become the ideal for the other person. What do they like, what do they expect from me, how can I make this person like me?

Kawi is in the process of being more honest with himself, but he's still very much stuck on the thing and the way he has to be to attract Pear.

We always try to play the best version of ourselves when meeting someone we like, but as we get older, we compromise less of what we present to the world. Additionally, we are more aware of what we need from other people.

His relationship with Pisaeng is ridiculously honest (to a point... Kawi, say hello to your represed queer feelings). Pisaeng knows what a mess Kawi is, how insecure and absolutely bonkers he is. Pisaeng is in love, but he's not blind to whom he fell in love with. He wants that mess of a manboy to be his. He wants to encourage him, to be the one to support him, to give him confidence, to be there for him with his heart (and wallet).

Kawi... he truly likes Pear, and Pear likes him too. It's just that in the long run, trying to be what Pear needs (or what he expects Pear needs) won't be sustainable.

The thing is, Kawi will fight this and hurt Pisaeng a lot in the process. Pear is his ideal, and he won't quite let go of it. But he will lean more and more on Pisaeng and fall more and more for someone who is much closer to what he needs. And that's someone he can be fully himself with.

Be My Favorite and the Perils of Getting What You Think You Want

This show continues to astound me with how smart it is; it truly does get better and better every week. In this episode, Kawi finished fixing everything on his list - saving his dad, growing closer to Pear, repairing friendships with Max and Pisaeng - and headed back to the future to reap the rewards. And once we got there, we realized very quickly that getting what he thought he wanted did not in fact fix his life.

This new Future Kawi is a successful recording artist, he is still friends with Max and Pisaeng, and he got to be in a long-term relationship with Pear. But his dad still died, his relationship with Pear fell apart, and he is now struggling with alcoholism. He is deeply unhappy, and the things he thought he wanted did not actually result in the kind of life he hoped he would have. Connecting with Pisaeng again only seems to reinforce that he’s been looking in the wrong place for what he seeks, and he is not done with the work to get there.

This is a genius turn of events. I am impressed that the show decided to pursue the thread of Kawi’s alcoholism, which they have been seeding the entire time. We have seen him turn to substances to manage his emotions, we have seen him blow well past his own limits, and we have seen him struggle to maintain control. All of these characteristics left unaddressed can easily result in a substance abuse problem, especially in someone who is not doing the necessary work to address their behavior problems and get to the root of what’s causing their issues.

In this episode, Kawi interrupted his own growth arc midstream to go back to the future, thinking that what he had achieved was enough to guarantee a good outcome. But he was not finished doing the necessary work to deal with his underlying issues and become the kind of person who could be a good partner to anyone, and he was denying an important part of himself. He looked away from his growing feelings for Pisaeng and their implications and instead stayed focused on his original goal of being with Pear, even as he wasn’t entirely certain why he wanted it anymore. He stopped thinking about how to be a better person to the people in his life. He stopped putting in the effort to change. And so in this new timeline he made Pear miserable in their relationship and ultimately still ended up alone. 

Another thing this episode showed us is how very much everyone else in this story is affected by Kawi’s choices. Pear spends years in a bad relationship with Kawi and then gets stuck with a cheating asshole of a husband. Kwan ends up used and discarded. Max is still playing the role of frustrated caretaker to Kawi’s emotional mess. Pisaeng alone seems to have found some peace, and it’s interesting that in this timeline, it was getting away from Kawi and moving on from his feelings for him that did it. Despite that kiss at the end, it’s clear that this version of Kawi is not the one who can be the partner Pisaeng deserves. 

Kawi is not done doing the work to accept his true desires and become his best self, and this narrative is not going to let him take shortcuts. Insert jack shepherd.gif here because WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

Next episode might throw this theory in the bin but the preview looks so funny. Like from Pisaeng's POV he showed up at Kawi's place after being unable to reach Kawi on the phone, Kawi is confused, spaces out for a couple of seconds, and then runs into his arms crying about never being being able to see Pisaeng again. There's also no way to explain the sequence of very recent events that lead to Kawi realising he wants to date Pisaeng without sounding absurd, so Kawi probably isn't going to explain anything. It's going to be a wild couple of days for Pisaeng

Without realizing it, you've become an important part of my life.

Episode 5 | Episode 8

Be My Favorite: I’m All Caught Up!

So two nights ago, I kind of lost it, HAPPILY, in a binge of Be My Favorite – I’m here to report that I’m all caught up, I’m VERY SEATED for the ongoing episodes, and hopefully I can get it together to do episodic meta from here on out. 

First off, I’d like to say, publicly, that I had written multiple times in previous posts that I would NOT be watching BMF after having watched SOTUS, SOTUS S, and Our Skyy x SOTUS for my Old GMMTV Challenge. I thought Krist Perawat’s acting in SOTUS, etc., was awful, especially compared to what Singto Prachaya was delivering. While Our Skyy x SOTUS was markedly better than the two full series, Krist wiping his mouth after the airport kiss still gave cringe, and I was like, peace out, cub scout, hope you never do another BL again.

I RECANT. Clearly, much has improved by way of Krist’s acting skill – and, likely, by way of how GMMTV workshops their actors and scripts before filming a BL. (And I REALLY want to thank @rocketturtle4​ here for going very hard in the paint for Arthit and tagging me in your post, because your SOTUS meta absolutely had me thinking about Krist’s acting again. That piece was part of the inspiration and urge that led me to pick up BMF. Thank you! Good things happen when you clown, friend!)

(As well, I want to note that while Krist’s reputation regarding homophobia has not, by way of general public judgment, been fully redeemed, that I think recent discourse surrounding the early days of the pressures of shipper culture and how his comments were received is very interesting to peruse – especially for me, as I develop a MUCH sharper eye towards the toxic, negative impacts of shipper culture. This amazing dialogue between @absolutebl​ and @thelblproject​ has been EXTREMELY helpful to me in setting that history and context for me.)

So, with all that said:

Be My Favorite is a FABULOUS SHOW. The writing is SHARP, the acting is GREAT, and the chemistry between Krist and Gawin Caskey is SUPERB. 

Catching up to episode 7, I want to review what I’m seeing as the major themes of the series, ones that I’m seriously enjoying:

1) As I noted in my Monday night liveblogs, this show is structured in part around the inspiration of a few old yt dudes philosophers and physicists regarding time, space, truth, and relative existence. We gots Nietzsche, Einstein, Orwell, and – gah, the Thai writer of the book that Max was reading early in the series about Thai social hierarchy, and I cannot find the post that explains that book (if someone has the link for that post, please send, and I’ll edit it in here). (EDITED TO ADD: thank you to @grapejuicegay​ for sending me the link! The book Max was reading was The Face of Thai Feudalism, and here’s a wiki link for the book). Otherwise, receipts!

Just to recap what I wrote in underslept franticness on Monday night: the first of the old dudes to enter the ring of this series is Einstein, regarding time travel. I mentioned that I am a huge fan of Jack Finney’s Time and Again – I loved that book in high school. It’s a fantasy about how the American government uses Einstein’s work on weight and light to understand the dimensional aspects of time, the present, the past, and the future, and how multiple existences may be present – if you can create a pathway into them. 

I don’t know at all if BMF is talking to Time and Again, per se, but it IS talking to Einstein and relativity, along with Nietzsche and what’s referenced in the slide above – Nietzsche’s On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense (and, yooo: here’s the text! Read it! Everyone: READ MORE NIETZSCHE! Let’s meditate on power together when we have the time, eeee!)

I really want someone with a Ph.D to not allow me to say this, but let me offer a blasé summary of the text to say: what’s essentially being said in the dialogue between Einstein and Nietzsche is that truth is relative to the moment in time in which truth is being sought, and to the individual to whom the truth may have meaning. Truth is relative to the beholder of that person that is seeking truth. 

In other words: what, exactly, is the truth that Kawi is seeking? 

2) @respectthepetty​ (here) and @lurkingshan​ (here) are writing excellent meta on the dislikability of Kawi, and how this search for his “truth” is fucking him the hell up. First: I TOTALLY AGREE. This dude wants to spin that damn ball to find out if his life gets “better.”

And what we’re seeing is that he’s slowly relaxing the parameters of what “better” means. What “better” HAD meant to him, early on, was that he’d be in love with Pear, and that his dad would be alive. In episode 7′s rock star world, we see neither of those things happening; in fact, in none of his presumed worlds do we see that happening. 

Besides Kawi’s dislikability, which I’ll get back to in a second, I just want to say:

Him jumping to world after world is SO important to this story, and I really like that this series isn’t trying to hone in on ONE world being THE RIGHT WORLD, because – Nietzsche, Einstein, and Orwell aren’t necessarily the guys you want on the bench arguing in favor of a ONE RIGHT WORLD perspective. They’re the dudes who are like – bend some light here (Einstein), throw in a linguistical concept there (Nietzsche), and add some questionable politics and power control issues (Orwell), and, well, you got some messy worlds there, my friends.

In other worlds: this show is set, per episode, in the world in which Kawi is existing at that moment. It has relativity to his other worlds – because he’s an anchor in all these worlds – but not one specific present moment is his absolute truth. YOW.

3) Sooooo, where does that get us? It gets us to episode 7, an episode that really moved us…“forward” (??) (ha) in this series. In that, Kawi changed enough in his initial state at the start of the series to create a new future for himself that was vastly different than the ones in which Pisaeng was going to marry Pear.

What I am loving about this series is that by being anchored by the influence of the philosophers, in part, that we get to see a lot more light into Kawi and Pisaeng. Pisaeng, as we now know, was pressured by his mother to stay in the closet at a young age (cc @brazilian-whalien52 and @respectthepetty on the linked post!). 

What is your truth if you’re in the closet for so long?

In episode 7, Pisaeng has disappeared from the lives of his friends and Kawi for months. We don’t exactly know why at this point. But we get a hint at the very end of the episode – that he is ultimately spending his time, possibly in multiple worlds, being patient for Kawi to come around to Pisaeng’s love. 

Early in the series, as well, Kawi notes to Pisaeng that Pisaeng wasn’t being honest to Pear about not having feelings for Pear. I think this extrapolation has already happened in previous posts, but I’m not finding them at the moment, so let me give flowers to everyone who has said: that Pisaeng’s internal reality is also a world, a present, that Kawi doesn’t necessarily share by way of absolute reality – in that, what Kawi demands of Pisaeng early on is relative revelation for the sake of the people around him. And how will Pisaeng’s truth affect others? How will it affect Kawi, how will it affect his mom? How does it affect Pear?

All of that is relative truth that each individual, involved in these circles, must translate AND accept and digest in their own individual, micro-level perceptions. Pisaeng’s own truth BECOMES a kind of truth that is slightly different for each person that’s receiving it. 

4) And the same for Kawi. Except, we’re seeing it develop differently for Kawi. I think we have known, up until the end of episode 7, what “better” meant for Kawi, as I wrote previously – Pear, his dad’s health, etc.

But I think we’re going to see a change in Kawi now (hopefully). We’re seeing that Pisaeng keeps returning to Kawi, in almost all the worlds, as Kawi improves himself and checks himself against his “present.” Surely, what we want to see in a BL is Kawi warming up to Pisaeng’s affections. The fact that time travel is the modality by which Kawi will experience that change – vis à vis some VERY fascinating perspectives on what “truth” really means – is FABULOUS.

It’s unique, because – I think – in the story of Pisaeng, do we see a macro commentary on the reality of being queer in majority cishet societies that may view queerness as dangerous or something to be kept secret, as Pisaeng’s mom indicates. 

To keep one’s queerness in the closet – FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE, damn it – isn’t that a violation of one’s own truth? And one’s own reality?

5) And, final point (for now) (ha) is: a theme that’s been running through my head on this series is how both Kawi and Pisaeng CHALLENGE EACH OTHER TO CHANGE themselves. Maybe even… for “the better.”

Previously to all of this time travel stuff – neither of them experienced external pressure to change their worldviews. Pisaeng was going to marry Pear as a closeted queer individual. Kawi was going to live out his life friendless and companion-less.

Instead, THROUGH the time travel, and through their growth in all of these different worlds – BOTH of them have been forced to change.

I really like this lesson. One can become complacent. As Theory of Love so deftly demonstrated: behavioral change is really hard. But it might be a little less hard if you have a companion, a friend, maybe even a lover, going through similar changes as well.

Kawi is still dislikable, I think, because he’s not aware of either HOW or WHY he’s changing. But he’s changing, alright. He doesn’t have the context, yet, as to why this might be good for him.

Maybe the crystal ball will tell him that?

OR, MAYBE: he’ll come to realize that contentment in the present is ultimately what will give him the most happiness. As Pear said to Kawi during her wedding in episode 7:

“But as we grew older, lived our lives, and continued to make mistakes, we’d have to accept that this was the farthest that we could achieve.”

What Pear is saying here is: you can stop striving sometimes, Kawi. If you can just – BE – and accept that life is not PERFECT – then your future WILL just BE the result of THAT work THAT YOU DO NOW, THAT WILL CONTAIN MISTAKES.

What I hope to see in the future episodes of this series is Kawi recognizing that that work is what will be his revelation, and his ultimate truth for himself – the truth that makes him the most happy and fulfilled.

We’ll see. I haven’t even gotten into all the subtle references to Krist’s past that this script holds, but @lurkingshan​​ is holding that down in her meta (yay, Shan!).

I am in LOVE with this show, and am SUPER EXCITED to join y’all in watching it! I am VERY IMPRESSED with GMMTV taking another chance on Krist in a BL, and Gawin was a perfect choice as an onscreen partner.

(CCing a few friends who were holding me down during my Monday liveblog, here ya go, some meta for ya – THANKS FOR YOUR PREVIOUS FEEDBACK, FRIENDS! @dribs-and-drabbles​​, @grapejuicegay​​, @rocketturtle4​​, @chickenstrangers​​, @lurkingshan​​) 

P.S. I FORGOT TO ADD:

GAWIN. CASKEY. DAMN. CAN THE HOMEY ACT, OR CAN HE ACT? He is SO GOOD IN THIS, MY GAWD! Their CHEMISTRY! MEEP!

Will you go out with me? No.

a cat and his dog boyfriend

Kawi's Journey with Self-Worth and Pisaeng's Reassurance

I don't know how to put it into words, but there is something so nice about Pisaeng always sticking to his guns about what interested him about Kawi was simply that he found Kawi to be cute.

Yes, there are millions of cute people in the world, but it was specifically Kawi's cuteness that intrigued Pisaeng. There was no ulterior reason that he found himself into Kawi, there was no deeper meaning. It's not like Kawi needed to do something to prove himself worthy of Pisaeng's love (even if Kawi thought that he had to.) Instead, Pisaeng was, initially, simply attracted to Kawi and that had been enough.

It's a simple reason that I think that Kawi will always have to grapple with for the rest of his life, probably because even though he may have found a sense of peace and serenity in his life after all the time-travelling, he'll likely still have some minor struggles with his self-worth. Love is not a fix-all, and (again) like what I'm positive has become synonymous with @bengiyo's brand here on BL reviews, "There's no magical dick. It doesn't fix." Even if it happens to belong to Pisaeng. When you have low self-esteem and issues with you self-worth, even when you take the most pro-active methods of care to combat these ideas, a part of it will always remain. Some days will be more of a struggle than others. So while his relationship with Pisaeng will not magically fix insecurities, the fact that Pisaeng is there to reassure him is incredibly important. I really doubt that Kawi will ever be able to fully understand why it was simply his cuteness that attracted Pisaeng, but the constant reminders are necessary in his journey to self-acceptance.

Combine that with the fact that Pisaeng comes from an uber-rich (and political) family, and Kawi spent ten years dealing with very little self-worth, it makes sense that Kawi will never fully accept it, even ten-years down the line into their relationship. Yet, the fact that Pisaeng's answer remains constant and never changes into something deeper than he just found Kawi cute is so critical in allowing Kawi to rebuild his trampled self-esteem.

While I think that compliments like that could potentially come across as either insincere or even shallow, it does more good than harm for Kawi. He spent ten years alone, in his small apartment with no significant social connection and his last true connection (his father) dead. He was detached from human relationships and he placed higher value on what he could bring to the table, doing so he shattered his own self-esteem because he had a sincere belief that he had nothing good to offer.

Pisaeng's consistent and persistent insistence that he adored Kawi due to his cuteness, at a time when Kawi believed that he wasn't worth much, is so important in ensuring Kawi that becomes aware of the fact that human relationships aren't solely transactional. His presence doesn't mean that he has to offer more solely to be loved and particularly a recipient of Pisaeng's love. Pisaeng's answer serves as a reminder of that, even if it's not said or understood outright.

It's a subtle reminder, a reassurance of sorts, to Kawi that he has worth even when he's not aware of it or when he doesn't recognize it in himself. His worth isn't tied to material objects or titles that are expected in fully transactional, interested, relationships. Rather it serves its purpose by becoming a verbal notice to Kawi that for Pisaeng, Kawi will always be enough just by being himself, that he always finds him cute, and that's was enough reason for him to fall in love with him.

Kawi's journey consisted so much of learning how to live in the moment, of learning the importance in actually making decisions, because there's only one thing certain about life: time moves on with or without us. When we live in such a capitalistic society, we often tie our self-worth to our social capital, the achievements that we make, the people we know. In turn, we can end up neglecting and stepping all-over our self-esteem in the moments that we don't reach those "social tiers" and start believing that in turn we have nothing to offer. When you let yourself believe that you're worthless and time moves on, you end up being left behind.

Kawi is worth more than his accolades and job titles, more than any achievements that he may receive. His worthiness derives from his authentic self and who he is as a person. He's loved for being Kawi. It's enough for Pisaeng to find him cute, because Kawi is enough and will always be enough. That constant reassurance is critical in shaping Kawi, allowing him to find his happiness and peace in life. He's now surrounded by the people that he loves and who love him back. He's no longer alone.

Be My Favorite - Retrospective on Episode 1 and Repression of Desires due to Fear

For a full day in the pilot of Be My Favorite, Kawi operates as if he’s in a dream when he time travels back to the past. This is one of my least favorite tropes, usually. What’s the fun in a character in an exciting scenario if the character isn’t even cognizant of it? Often, I yawn and simply rock back and forth in my chair waiting for the protagonist to realize what has happened and to start thinking with their brain. And when I first watched the show, I also expected a time loop rather than what we got, and didn't realize what was actually going on.

Be My Favorite, would make me love Kawi spending an entire day back in his college life without realizing his actions have actual consequences, because of how many consequences this actually has, and how his remedies what Kawi's first vice was, or at least the first that I feel was tackled.

Kawi – and we realize later, Pisaeng’s – vice is cowardice and letting things happen around them out of fear. This manifests very differently for both of them, but in the case of Kawi, when we examine a lot of his biggest hangups, it is all centered around inaction. Not making friends. Not telling Pear he’s her secret buddy. Not convincing his dad to go to the hospital. Not getting his friend back. Not doing any of these things that he still regrets. And Kawi, when faced with issues, runs away. He always, without fail, used to run away from all of these scenarios.

But thinking he’s dreaming, we can see Kawi for who he really is. A menace! An annoying, bratty, childish menace. And Pisaeng is immediately attracted to Kawi because he’s genuine, and acting out, and is oozing with the same pain he has – loneliness. This is ultimately what changes the past forever. Kawi can’t go back from now on. He’s bonded to Pisaeng irrevocably, to the point that one night is enough for his future to be as his best friend and future best man (and for Kawi to be doing what he never did before, dancing confidently while drunk in front of everyone in that timeline in a way he never would have).

Pisaeng is similar to Kawi, not living his life in full self-actualization. He’s hiding his sexuality, unable to confront it despite knowing about it. He’s unable to fully be honest with Pear, and in fact, we see that in his original life, he never confronts it And it makes sense. We see that he rejects the superficial “friendship” he has with his former friends, namely Not, but while this is better for Pisaeng (and the correct decision to make, as Not is a total asshole) Pisaeng doesn’t have a friend except for Pear, and he cares for her dearly.

And so of course Pisaeng decides to marry Pear instead of confronting himself honestly. Is it a good idea, and what truly caring for someone should mean? No. It’s an awful idea for everyone. But he does it out of fear and an unwillingness to live his life honestly and to act on his true wants and desires (and later, it is Kawi who gets Pisaeng to break from this and to confront Pear head on, being honest in a way the original Pisaeng was unable to).

And what Kawi has to struggle with now is that now that he’s acted, there’s no going back. He’s changed the past by being himself and taking action for once, and he has to stay that way (this is also why Be My Favorite's type of time travel works so well for the show – what Kawi does in the beginning, taking action and fundamentally changing things – it can't be undone).

There is no way out of the maze he’s walked into without choosing things, making decisions, and becoming a fuller person. At this point, he wants Pear. Pear wants Pisaeng. And Pisaeng, now, he will soon realize, due to his actions in the past, wants him. Kawi has acted. And now Kawi has to go down the painful path to gaining maturity, which he avoided in his bubble of miserable inactivity the first time he lived his life.

Redoing your life is the main conceit of this show. But as the future starts to be rewritten, what the perceptive viewer realizes is that what Kawi needs to learn is what he truly wants, and what kind of a life is a truly fulfilling life. And to get what you want, to be happy, you need to always be truly present. You need to live your life with no regrets. To think back on the past a decade later and think I’ve got everything I wanted. For all you'd ever do different after time traveling back be nothing.

This is what Be My Favorite teaches us. To live honestly, bravely, and to inspire the others in your life to do so as well. Kawi learns to make the most out of his life, and because of him, Pisaeng does as well. And they live happily, holding each other's hands, together. And they're so much better off for it.

standard deviation

be my favorite: pisaengkawi, 1.3k

And with the biggest, most strained smile you’ve had since your last job interview, you wave and say, “Pear. Congratulations on the wedding.” That’s what you came to say. You hand her a bouquet you were holding so tightly you worry she might have noticed your clammy hands — it’s cheaper than anything anyone else seems to have brought as a gift, but she smiles back at you, and your smile threatens to drop. You wish you brought the crystal ball, which you wanted to hand her over a decade ago. But it’s broken in a box somewhere in your dingy apartment. (Kawi fails to repair his crystal ball and goes to Pisaeng and Pearmai's wedding, still bitter.)

basically, what if there was no time travel? just a little plot bunny i had in my head.

I can't get over Lunatic Kawi

*stalker-san*

*evil laugh*

*hysterical dance*

SOTUS S The Series Ep.7 | Be My Favorite Ep.9