Semi Verbal - Tumblr Posts

Verbal Shutdown

I know some autistic ppl don't like using "nonverbal (episode)" to refer to briefly being unable to speak, understandably. I think the correct term is "verbal shutdown?"

Anyway, this is hardly the first time I've had a verbal shutdown. That's not what's weird to me. No, the weird thing is, I'm not in emotional distress (that I'm aware of). It just came out of nowhere.

Maybe it's just that I'm super drained and not ready to be around ppl right now?

Maybe I'm the only one who needs to hear this, but if you're semi verbal and use your voice as your main source of communication by 'default', that doesn't mean you're not semi verbal. I've gotten so used to using mouth words that I can, for the most part, force sentences out in bursts (which ends up fucking me over regardless of if it doesn't hit immediately). I speak in full sentences at the expense of my energy (and mood, and sensory threshold), because I feel self conscious otherwise. My thing is, if I can't speak in full sentences in a situation I just don't speak at all (which contributes to me avoiding social situations because it can get strenuous to hold a conversation, and fast).

I've been forcing speech less, though, because I'm working on undoing harmful habits from my masking; if I don't feel up to cranking words out, I will write my words down on paper or a whiteboard, or pull out my phone and contribute through texting. Sure it's frustrating to feel like I take more time to contribute when I technically could physically say my sentence (which, honestly, takes time too because I go around in circles and freeze and jumble words unless the sentence is a simple 'thank you' or a yes/no, or three words), but it has helped immensely to surround myself with people who are willing to take that time with me.

Hey can semi verbal beings — especially ones who can get more 'talkative' — help me out with something? I've been struggling with verbal labels, as I don't know where I lay. The best way I can describe my ability to speak is being 'set off' which can either be positive or negative, and I'll speak a lot (or at least it feels like a lot for me. It feels like a warm up where I'll notice my vocal cords burning after a bit like an overheated engine). Otherwise I'm mostly a listener and will answer in short sentences. I also experience verbal shutdowns, where I can push through if I really have to (I've gotten better at this over the years). I've always been like this the more I think about it; I've had someone say that I 'never felt the need to fill the silence' and I was always predisposed to just... not speaking in class but I don't know if that's because I was pushed away by my peers often and just gave up lol.

I've considered demiverbal and even verbal flux, but that doesn't quite feel right either. I'm like a blend of demi and semi verbal and I've been calling myself semiverbal for a bit, but I keep feeling like I don't struggle enough to fit that label. So yeah, that's my situation lol, I would like some help with this and even consolation.