September - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month I think i like to share some thoughts about it and some realizations I just had. I'll be writting this in English and it isn't really my native language, so bare with me.
It was early December of 2021, I was a few months over 16 when I decided that I was finally done with life. Being honest, the idea of suicide had already crossed my mind since I was really young, when? I couldn't exactly tell you, but I was really young when I came to understand that, I wasn't scared of death like everyone else, instead, I crave it.
I can not by any means tell you what made me and still makes me so sad. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't love myself enough, that I didn't feel loved or maybe I was just born sad and tired.
Since kid, I was one of those smarty pants girls who loved books and praise from anyone around me, I craved validation.
So, in 2021, when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest, I simply dropped, there isn't other word I could use to describe it. I stopped caring about grades or making friends, I only wanted to sleep for hours and to read in a quiet place.
A fact that I always remind myself now that I'm in uni and everyone keeps asking why I choose this career, I always said "it's what I wanted to do since I was a kid" because that was the last time I imagine myself as an adult. After that? I didn't see myself living past my sixteens. Even now it's difficult for me imagining a day where I'll be 30.
That December, when my grades arrived I just knew that I had disappointed my family, and I think that was the last straw at that moment, the only thing keeping me sane was the need of validation. Without that? I was lost.
So, 16 years old me decided that I was gonna take advantage of my family not keeping tabs of the multiple pills we had. I didn't know how It worked, and I'm thankful that it didn't cross my mind to do more research.
I remember my mother screaming at my dad because of my grades as my older brother hugged me, saying that they were just grades, that I least didn't fail any subject or something.
That night, while I was hiding in my family room (where we all slept together except for my older brother), I was lying on my little brother's bed while I was planning.
When it was midnight, I went down stairs knowing mom would be asleep and I checked the pills and grabbed some. I went to my brother's bed again and lay there with the pills.
And yes, as horrorific as it sounds, I was ready to die in my brother's bed, and thinking about that, what the hell was I thinking? The twins were both 10, and they would be the first ones to find my body, how could they ever sleep on those beds again? Knowing that their sister died there?
I was just lying there and processing if I should really go on with my plan when I decided to text my friend to get some help or to simply say goodbye, after all, my parents' goodbye letters have already been written years ago.
So, it was like 2 a.m when I texted my friend, Andrea, and yes, I'm name dropping her because she's an amazing human being and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.
I got into a long talk with her, and even though it didn't change my mind, she made me promise to go out with them some days later. I didn't know that she shared our conversation with our others friends till days later on the outing I saw my friends conversation with another one.
And, it may not sound like much, how could a simple hang out mean so much that it makes you change you mind on suicide? But it meant the world to me, but it reminded me that I am loved, that there would be people who would cry and miss me. It gave me what I had lost sight of, that I was more than some value defined by the things I did or haven't done.
A month later I made a new letter that I personally read to my dad, and I don't think he really understood how deeply hurt I was or how bad the situation was before, but the hug he gave that day cured a lot of wounds that I didn't even knew where there.
Today, I had a very good day, and I'm thankful to say that I enjoyed so much more of life that I would have if I had taken that choice when I was 16.
I realized that, if I had taken that choice, my mom and family would had buried two bodies in a month, my grandpa's, my mom's dad who passed away a few days after my outing, and mine.
Today, I'm 19, because I was reminded by the people who really cared about me that I was more than what I saw in the mirror, that I was more than some bad grades.
Today, I'm 19, studying a career that I can't tell you right now if I love, but that I certainly like. I go to uni Monday to Friday, I work in the morning, I'm studying English and looking to study more languages.
Today, I'm 19, because even if my mom and I fought a lot, I still love her enough to stay by her side, because I love our fights even though I cry a lot during them, because I love how she bakes chocolate cakes and hears me when I talk about Taylor Swift, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson or whatever I'm obsessing at the moment.
Today, I'm 19, because Andrea, Vicky, Jonathan and Maru where there for me and loved me even when I couldn't do it myself. And I'm so very thankful for that, and I swear that I'll live to the fullest with the new life they gave me.
And you, who is reading this, stranger, friend or someone I know that I decided to share this with, know that you're loved, even if you can't see it.
I won't lie to you, it will hurt, you will have your drops, but, and as cliche as it sounds, life is not only about the bad things in our life. It's about that chocolate cake that awaits for you at the table, about that book you still haven't finished, about that friend who would forever remind you as a more than a depressed person, but as their soulmate.
Take care, and thank you for reading.
๐ฏ๐๐บ๐'๐ ๐๐๐บ๐ ๐๐พ, โฏ๐๐ ๐โฏ๐๐โด .แ
หโงโบ ๏ฝฅ ห ยท dividers by @anitalenia
moodboard for the queen of studying and the sabrina fan ever , @gentlehue
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I wished autumn looked like this where I live
โSeptember mornings: crisp air, golden leaves, and a fresh start with every sunrise.โ
itโs been almost a week since weโve entered the ber (brrr) months, you know what that means, itโs going to start getting colder and darker earlier in the day!