Seungjun - Tumblr Posts
U(Seung Jun-KNK)
~I hate you but I need you. I hate you but I miss you. Your beautiful and dazzling eyes, it doesn't shine anymore. Your warm lips speak coldly now~
His POV:
"Hyung, how're you feeling?"
I ignored Jihun, instead focusing my attention solely on the picture frame I held in my palms. The picture that was trapped in between the glass and back piece, the picture of you and me on our three year anniversary. I smiled as I looked at you, remembering how you always managed to look so beautiful even when you said that you didn't try. We were both happy, with huge smiles on our faces as we looked to the camera.
I faintly heard Jihun let out a sigh then walk out of the room, leaving me to be alone. In the room I've locked myself in since you left. I've barely eaten, only when the guys can convince me to. I just sit there, staring at our pictures, at the life we used to share together, and hating myself for letting you go. There was no way I could make you stay though, and I hated myself for that. I hated you, hated you for making me love you so much that I feel like I've lost a part of me completely now that you're gone.
~You, I'm sorry baby say goodbye. I hate you. My hands can't let go of you, my heart still calls out to you. No matter how much I stretch out I can't reach you, that's how far your heart has gotten. I can't hold onto you~
I remember that night, the fight we had about the stupidest little thing then you stormed off crying after I said words I didn't mean. When I told you that I hated you, that I hated our relationship, your face crumpled. I hated seeing it, it hurt me so much watching how my words affected you. Words that I never even meant, but that is the price I have to pay for making you leave. Making you run into your car when it was storming and drive away.
I don't mind living with the guilt, it makes me remember you and I love that. I love living in our memories, remembering our fights then our make-ups. Remembering the way you felt in my arms though, that's my favorite. Sometimes, I honestly felt like if I closed my eyes I could feel your warmth against me. That's what I miss the most, not being able to hold you.
I hated the fact that I'll never get to wake up and see you in the morning, sleeping soundly with little snores escaping. They were cute and they made me love you even more. I remember on our days off, you'd wake me up by giving me little kisses all over my face. I'd smile and wake up, then I'd hug you to me and give you a long kiss. One that would show you how much I loved having you there. And then I messed everything up, and now I'll never be able to experience those things again.
~It's over, why am I the only one hurting? It's over, I curse at you and hate you but in the end, I'm calling out to you again. Hurry and hold me~
"Can't you do just help out around here once?! I'm not asking you to clean the whole flipping house, but it would be nice if you could stop playing your stupid games and help out once or twice!"
I watched as you screamed at me, finally getting fed up with how I acted around here. "Well, I'm sorry that I go to work and want to come home and do nothing but relax! What the hell happened to this relationship?! You ruined it by nagging so frikin much! Jeez, and you know what if you don't like that then get the hell out, because I'm the one who owns this house not you and I'm tired of you doing this crap!"
"Fine," you said as you wiped your eyes and walked into the front foyer. Then after grabbing your wallet, jacket, and phone you left the house.
Now that I think about it, she was right to yell at me about not helping out. I didn't and now I can't do anything to make it right because you were gone. I still curse that car, curse God for making it rain, curse myself for being the reason you left crying. I miss you, so so much. I'm so sorry, I can't ever tell you how sorry I am. With that last thought, I drifted off into a nightmare filled sleep clutching our picture to my chest.
~Hurry and save me from this endless maze, take me out of this darkness without any light. Everything has stopped. My watch is broken, it's ticking in place. I'll be waiting for you~
"Hyung!" I ignored the voice, not really knowing where it was coming from.
"Seungjun!! Seungjun, wake up!"
I bolted up, sweating and gasping for air as Youjin and Jihun were kneeling beside me. They were looking at me with concern and wide eyes, though they knew this wasn't the first time I've had nightmares. Not even close to being the first time. I have them every time I close my eyes, even if I just rest them I see you dying in my arms every time. I didn't really understand it, I wasn't even near you when you died.
"Seungjun are you alright? Was it the nightmare again?"
I couldn't find my voice so I just settled for nodding, wiping my forehead as I let out a shaky breath. I felt Jihun rub my back and closed my eyes in relief, so glad to know that I wasn't alone. I felt tears start to form in the corners of my eyes, but I held them back since I didn't want them to see me break. I didn't deserve anyone's reassurance, I didn't deserve people telling me that it would be okay.
~I can't do anything without you, I close my eyes but I still see you. The more time passes, the deeper my longing grows. In there, I'm drawing you out~
"Hyung, it-"
"Don't! Don't tell me it's going to be okay! It's not going to be okay, and I don't want it to be okay!" I shouted as I stood from the bed and walked to my dressers.
"Seungjun, what are you doing?"
"I'm going out for a while. I need to clear my head, and I don't like taking it out on you guys so I need to be alone."
Youjin sighed and layed his hand on my shoulder, "Alright. If you need anything call us, okay?"
I nodded, keeping my head down since I didn't want to look at them. I didn't want them to see my face, the look of determination as I gathered my clothes and got ready. I was done, done living with this regret and grief. I'd decided to finally get rid of this pain, but I wasn't going to tell them that. I just wanted to see you again, to hold you in my arms once more and bury my nose in your hair. I'd do anything to feel that again and to be able to smell your shampoo.
~It's over, why am I the only one hurting? It's over, I curse at you and hate you but. In the end, I'm calling out to you again. Hurry and hold me~
-time skip-
I stood at the edge, looking out over the water as I debated my decision once more. Did I really want to do this? Leave my friends and family behind, but be able to see you once more. I did, and so I stepped over the railing but my hands kept their hold. I looked out once more, closing my eyes as I felt the wind push against me as if it were trying to get me to go back. To not make this decision.
But I didn't, I'd made my decision and I planned on going through with it. I was tired, sick and tired of not having you here. Of being the reason why you weren't here. And if I were to be honest, I was excited and happy at the thought of getting to see you again. My eyes widened as lightning suddenly stroke across the sky, then watched in disbelief and wonder as it started to rain. Hard.
Well, isn't this ironic? It must be fate that it started to rain. I closed my eyes, your perfect face etching itself into my mind once more as I felt myself relax. I was ready, ready to accept this. Ready to see you. And so, I started to let go of the railing.
~I need you, come back to me so I can breathe again, I don't care if it hurts. I only need you, I need you. I need you U, U, U, U. I need you U, U, U, U. I need you U, U, U, U. I only need you, I need you, I need you~
"No!"
My eyes popped open when I heard your voice, and I was starting to believe that I had actually gone mad. That losing you and then missing you had actually brought me to lunacy. But that proved to be wrong when I saw your sweet face above me. I noticed that you were talking to me, but I couldn't focus. You were here. You were in front of me and I wanted nothing more to grab you and kiss you. So that's what I did.
I grabbed your face and gave you a long kiss, showing you how much I missed you. How much I love you. How much regret I had about that night. And you accepted it, you accepted me. Then after pulling away you cupped my cheeks and wiped away the tears I had not noticed had fallen. You smiled at me and I felt like my soul had been replenished just seeing the sight.
~Your voice that called out to me, your warm eyes, all of you. It still remains so clearly with me but where are you? Where are you now? I can't live without you. I hate you but I need you. I hate you but I miss you~
You shook your head and layed your forehead against mine, closing your eyes as I stared at you. Etching everything onto my mind so I would never forget, not that I had to anymore. I smiled as you opened your eyes, and I stared into them remembering how much I loved getting lost in them.
"It's not time, Seungjun." I looked to you confused, wondering why I couldn't speak. Wondering what you meant. "Seungjun, you need to go back."
I instantly shook my head, I didn't want to go away from you. I wanted to stay here, by your side where I belonged. You let your tears fall as you put your palms on either side of my face and made me look at you, making sure I listened to what you said.
"It is not your time yet, Seungjun. I don't want you to come here this way. Go back, they need you. When your time comes I will be here, waiting for you. But that time is not now." I panicked as I watched you stand and start to back away, reaching my hand out to try and grab onto you so you wouldn't leave me again.
"Oh, and Seungjun? Forgive yourself, alright? It wasn't your fault and I know you love me. I love you too, so forgive yourself and remember the good times. Not the bad."
~I need you, come back to me so I can breathe again, I don't care if it hurts. I only need you, I need you. I need you U, U, U, U. I need you U, U, U, U. I need you U, U, U, U. I only need you, I need you~
That was the last I heard from you before I was enveloped in a bright light, I didn't know it was taking but I knew you wouldn't be there. Why couldn't I call out to you? Why couldn't I stay, like I wanted to?
"Seungjun! Seungjun, come on. Breathe!"
"Hyung!"
I gasped, water spilling from my mouth as I coughed and hacked before finally regaining my breath. I layed my head on the ground and looked around at the worried faces of the guys, my best friends and brothers. Youjin and Jihun helped me up before Inseong covered me with his jacket.
"I'm sorry," I croaked out as I was finally able to speak. "I just miss her so much."
The guys said nothing, instead huddling around me and comforting me like I was finally admitting I needed. I was glad to have them, glad they were here to help me. I looked out over the ocean through the heavy downpour of rain, remembering the last things I heard you say.
"Oh, and Seungjun? Forgive yourself, alright? It wasn't your fault and I know you love me. I love you too, so forgive yourself and remember the good times. Not the bad."
I will, I vowed silently to you over the water. I'll never forget, but I'll try to forgive. I love you.
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Seungjun, (KNK) - 190 cm
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dear youjin and knk,
i am so sorry tinkerbell were unable to make you feel better but we will always support you, as our singer and eldest or as a normal youjin. you've bought nothing but happiness to knk and tink's lives and we are so thankful and grateful for that opportunity. i will miss you, and you will always be knk's oldest brother. health must come first and i know it must have been really hard for you to take this decision, so i am proud of you. thank you, youjin.
and for jihun, inseong, heejun and seungjun, it will be hard, but please don't blame yourself. tinkerbells are so proud of each one of you and we will show you our support with your upcoming album. you are very strong, and it breaks my heart reading such sad words from your letters. but knk and tink will shine again, even more. please take care of yourself and know it's okay, you did nothing wrong. i love you so much and i am sorry i never had the chance to enjoy a full ot5 comeback, but that won't even stop me from loving the five of you with my whole heart.
thank you so much KNK, I love you.